Becoming a healer

[Diane]

The last Impostor

 

The cool thing about writing regularly is that I can see clearly when I do not do the things I decided to do.

For example the task of programming the month of May: we’re nearing the end of the month and I haven’t really “prepared the month”, in the sense that I didn’t have stuff written in advance for every day in my agenda.

I did fill in the page regarding my habits and it’s almost sad looking at how empty some parts of it are.

The good thing is that I’m decently regular with my morning and evening routines, even if I know that there is still plenty of room for improvement there too.

The most empty parts are the habits of studying and sending 2 CV per day.

 

I re-watched Leo’s videos on procrastination and here I am “procrastinating more”.

I gave myself 30 minutes to write then I’ll be full in study mode!!

 

The one and only concept to remember, dear future me, is that “You can act your way into right thinking, but you can't think your way into right action.” And, allow yourself not to do things perfectly, done will always win over perfect.

 

I know now that this “aversion to studying” (I have an important exam on June 18th) is a form of Ego backlash : passing this exam will definitely put me on a higher level professionally and it means I have to become a new person. I had just started being acquainted to the fact of calling myself a doctor that we are already talking about being a specialist in something…

 

Impostor syndrome is back..

 

Like in: I’ll be tutoring a medical student from the first of June and I’m scared I won’t have nothing to offer her and she’ll just find out the scam that I am..

 

I’m really glad I kept this journal here. In a paper journal I couldn’t have done a word research and find out that if you look for the word “impostor” in this forum, my journal comes out like 13 times…

 

I guess it’s time for us to find a final agreement dear IS!!

 

But first, let us take a moment to celebrate all the work that I’ve done, it’s breathtaking how many times I fell and bounced back again and never gave up!! 

 

So now, about the Impostor Syndrome:

 

Dear future me,

recognize that it comes with the territory. Expect it and be ok with it (isn’t it funny that its acronym is “IS”… ) and take the chance to learn what it has to teach you: if you are in a certain position it means you belong there and you have the qualities required for the task. And no, you won’t be perfect in the beginning.

Here are some new affirmations and quotes for you:

• Everyone who starts something new feels off-base in the beginning. I may not know all the answers but I’m smart enough to find them out.
• “Wow, everyone here is brilliant – I’m really going to learn a lot!”
• Courage comes from taking risks. Change your behavior first and allow your confidence to build. 
• Starting is the hardest part, once you begin, it’s all downhill!!

 

There is nothing wrong with not knowing everything, it’s like dancing: you’ll become a pro with time, just keep dancing!!

[Diane]

On the other side of fear is responsibility and courage.

 

This weekend I participated to a three-day event with my mindset coach Mahima and it was simply transformational.

I walk now with a renewed sense of confidence and peace knowing that whenever I go, I will never be lost as I am always home: I’m with me.

The event was focused on fear and it brought out the fighter in me, ready to fight until the last breath for me this time. At a certain point I was in mode “it’s me or Ego and I’m all in: I win, or I die”.

 

Another breakthrough I had is to mind my own stuff and give advice / feedback only if asked. And on the backflip side of it to actually invite invite feedback. In general I do not give unsolicited advice but I’ll help people even if not asked (namely financiall supporting my mother). So the new attitude is to take care first of my own unresolved problems and let people around me live in peace.

Talking about my mother, one of the challenges that came for me form the event is to carefrontate my mother regarding finances: how is it that I felt obliged to help my parents pay my brother’s Universe and at the same time they can afford to buy properties in Burundi?? It is a self-evident paradox but for some reasons I had never thought about it and even less to confront my parents about it. The deadline is two weeks so I have the time to find the right words (ideally using the sandwich technique: "I love this about you and I think you could improve in.. I love you and I'm telling you this because I care".) I’m so grateful to have the opportunity of being surrounded by people who help me become more conscious about the choices I make!!

 

 The other challenge is more for work : Stop talking, start doing!! And only talk form your soul. It’s about the many way I am not confident at work as I know I don’t know everything (as no one does yeah…). So now the motto is that 50% sure is ok. I can say wat I think even if I am not 100% sure.

 

Another very liberating inspiration that came for me from the weekend is “What if I was everything?”. I really felt it, I am everything so I can be anything I set my heart and desire to!!

 

During the retreat I even learned a lesson about intimate relationships: “Money before sex!!”.  It came from a woman older that me talking about the importance of speaking about money before engaging seriously with someone “because at the moment of divorce it’s too late”. It was so funny how she stated it. I loved her way of establishing very clear boundaries and making her prefernces respected, things like having her partners have a protein shake before sex.. Super inspiring!! So I decided to delete the dating app I’m in until I have my own list of non negotiables.

 

Here are other pearls I got from the events: 

• Ask directly for what you want.
• Listen only to people who have what you want and know what it takes. The rest is noise!!
• If you can control your body you can control your mind.
• Don't be concerned, go deeper.
• If you're not happy now, you're not going to be happy when xyz happen.
• Abundance comes from being proactive instead of reactive.
• Loving fear is the answer, not avoiding it!!
• Go out and do your beast!! 
• External validation is a deep human need but it will NOT happen until you start validating yourself.
• When you do you life becomes beautiful.
• Stop using excuses: you're damaging your life when you repress your voice!
• Carefrontate using the sandwich technique: "I love this about you and I think you could improve in.. I love you and I'm telling you this because I care".
• I live in a friendly Universe that's designed to support me. Wherever I go I am not lost. I am always home: I'm with me.
• Trust. Love. Honor. Respect.
• You always have two choices: fear or love. Choose love!!
• Accept you're not going to be perfect as a leader.
• Your choices are part of the manifestation: take control of your choices and you'll take control of your life.
• Own your story and choose to embody your best self.
• TRUST IS KNOWING. But you need to prepare get to work to create you that is going to be worthy of the things you say you want.
• You can't loose, as you have nothing to loose: you came into this world with nothing and you’re going to leave with nothing.
• Make the actions consistent with what you're praying for.
• Go all in, that's the only way you'll know.
• It's about who you are, not what you're doing.
• Vulnerable people are sexy!!
• On the other side of fear is responsibility and courage
• Be responsible and start speaking the conscious language.

[Diane]

May in review

 

In the last two weeks I kind of lost the good habit I had installed of writing in my D-love journal every day and the result were still rather good but mostly chaotic days.

So, even if with one week of delay, here I am to review the month of May and prepare for June.

 

How am I better?

I know I have something to offer as I received so many job offers.

I am also ore conscious of me as an identity and as a unity: I know I have the right to do what I want with every cent I gain.

 

How can I improve?

On internal validation, knowing I am worthy as I am and doing everything I can to avoid negative self-talk.

 

What is my next step?

There is this challenge for me of telling my parents I want to stop financing my brother’s university. I could write an entire book on how difficult it is but the easiest and most productive thing is to just do it. Action mode on!!

 

I didn’t expect this to be so short, we’ll add this to what has improved!!  

[Diane]

Rules

 

Is a virtuous life a life of deprivation?

I recently eliminated from my phone the fb app, then youtube and today I realized it’s time for me to say a definitive goodbye to Netflix, as once I start, I am not able to stop in a reasonable time.

I guess my question is like asking if cleaning up is necessary, couldn’t we just let dirt be?

I really have plenty of knots to untangle in my mind: studying makes me happy, yet I chose to spend the afternoon on Netflix instead. Do I think I do not deserve to be happy?

Dear part of me that thinks so: I know you are scared af to try new things and become an even better version of the D we are right now but it’s ok, the Universe got our back, always!!

So yes, in a sense a virtuous life is a life of deprivation: I’m depriving myself of shallow and inconsistent pleasures to get the chance of savoring true happiness, which only happens in stillness and doing the right thing.

 

Thank you Universe, and thank you Ryan Holiday for the book “Stillness is the key”.

Here is a passage from the chapter “Beware desire” that I was so fortunate of being on just before writing here:

 

<< What will happen to me if I get what I want? How will I feel after? Indeed, most desires are at their core irrational emotions, and that’s why stillness requires that we sit down and dissect them. We want to think ahead to the refractory period, to consider the inevitable hangover before we take a drink. When we do that, these desires lose some of their power.

To the Epicureans real pleasure was about freedom from pain and agitation. If wanting something makes you miserable while you don’t have it, doesn’t that diminish the true value of the reward? If getting what you “want” has its consequences too, is that really pleasurable? If the same drive that helps you achieve initially also leads you inevitably to overreach or overdo, is it really an advantage?

(…) None of us are perfect. We have biologies and pathologies that will inevitably trip us up. What we need then is a philosophy and a strong moral code—that sense of virtue—to help us resist what we can, and to give us the strength to pick ourselves back up when we fail and try to do and be better.

We can also rely on tools to help us resist harmful desires. Saint Athanasius of Alexandria wrote in his Vita Antonii that one of the benefits of journaling—Confessions, as the Christians called the genre—was that it helped stop him from sinning. >>

Edited June 8, 2021 by Diane

[Diane]

About the last two weeks

 

It was two weeks worth remembering: I was at home preparing for a big exam and after a period of initial assessment, since last Sunday I’ve studied 8 hours per week while doing an 11 day reset challenge comprising of two cleanse days in a row and exercising. I was so focused that this Friday, after the exam, I had the same sense of having to find a new meaning to my life that I often had after spending nights after night watching a series. Fortunately I know what I want from life. Everything!!! 

 

How am I better?

I own my truth unapologetically: I released myself from helping support financially my little brother and accepted the fact that my mother thinks I am “dieting for no reason” while actually taking care of my health in the best way possible for me right now.

 

How can I improve?

Keeping up the consistency with my routines no matter what.

 

What is my next step?

 Writing in the 5’ journal, posting on fb for the challenge and preparing for tomorrow.

 

 For future me: I am currently listening to “Crush it” by Gary Vaynerchuk and his three rules for life are : love your family, work hard and live your passion. I was debating whether not paying my brother’s university is loving or not but I know it is loving myself enough to say no when I’m not giving from overflow and loving him enough to trust he’ll find a way.

[Diane]

Readiness

Recently I’ve been struggling a bit about never feeling ready for what life offers me.

Things like “I’m not ready to consult by myself, even if my boss trusts me for that” and similar.

Then the friendly Universe designed to support me I live in put these phrases in my awareness:

• You can change any belief with repetition!!
• I am ready and I can manifest anything.
• I have done enough. There is nothing more to learn. I have all in me.
• Everything I know is all there is to know.

 And voilà. Now I have no more excuses and can’t even go on complaining. 

The real secret is trust: I’ll never be given challenges I cannot overcome or learn from!!

 

Personal branding

I also learned about the importance of having a personal brand. And not only for money purposes, it goes as far as in dating: people will want to date more easily someone with an established personal brand. And in the end, it’s mostly about answering to the questions “Who am I?” and “What is my passion?”. And for earning purpose adding “to what problem am I the solution?” and “where is my audience?”.

Let’s do it then!!

Who am I?

On the core I am infinite possibilities.

In the world I am a junior doctor aspiring the become the Beyoncé of Medicine!

What is my passion?

Personal growth and understanding all the intricacies of health issues and how to deal with them.

To what problem am I the solution?

Helping people understand their health problems and how to solve or deal with them.

*This exercise is just illuminating: a while ago I reprased my mission statement as “using integrative medicine to help people own their healing” and now I realize that’s indeed what I do best and love more about my job: explaining things to people so that they can take charge of their health!!

Where is my audience?

I want to impact adults, 18+ people so it’ll be Facebook and Instagram.

 

I’m so happy and grateful of having “stumbled into” Gary Vaynerchuk’s book “Crush it”.

Now I just need to follow the steps!! And work my a** of, of course!!

 

I really do live in a friendly Universe designed to support me!!

 

D-Rules

Another challenge I had was about sharing with people the nutritional system I am using right now: I could earn from it and actually help people at the same time but I worried about ethical issues without even thinking of first checking the facts. Of course the friendly Universe I live in came to my rescue in the form of two incredible women and here’s what I learned:

• Always double check beliefs with facts (AKA “never make assumptions”): go out and get as many facts as you can and then with those facts, make an intuitive decision about if this is going to suit to what you want to be getting up to.
• I have the freedom of choice, no matter what.
• I can create my own reality within the reality.
• I can play outside f the box, winners do.
• You wanna be the Beyoncé of Medicine?! You gotta break some rules! Nobody wrote the rules that you are going to live by. And if somebody wants to stop you, let them dare!!
• My new mantra “I’m showing the new way, I’m the Beyoncé of Medicine!! I’m new, I’m revolutionary and I think we should be thinking differently: we should be offering people meditation to heal themselves and better nutrition.”
• Get radical!! Stand in you truth.

It’s just incredible!!

All of this came from me wanting to increase my income with the ultimate goal of becoming a millionaire and the short-term one of having my current apartment paid as I’ll have to live in another city from November. And of course the Universe gave me the best of money mantras: “I am so happy and grateful, that money comes to me, in increasing quantities, from multiple sources, on a continual basis, while enriching lives.”

Thank you, Universe!!!!

 

Love

I did so many things this month!!

I also finally clarified my 5 non negotiables for love relationships:

 

• No kids and doesn't want kids
• Honest and deep communication
• Exclusivity
• Invested in personal growth
• Respectful

 

I expected Prince charming to fall on me the next moment but he still hasn’t. But I’m ready, and that’s all that counts!!

 

Half year done!!

Generally I do a yearly review only but this time I felt like doing something in-between: there are things on my 2021 vision board I have already manifested so it’s time for a refresh!!

I think I will update the vision board eliminating what I have already manifested and maybe being more specific about my goals for the next 6 months.

Soo..

 

Wins of the first half of 2021:

• I resigned from my current jobplace AND manifested a new job for Novembre 2021 right as in my vision board!!
• I unhooked myself from the feeling of being obliged to help financially my family and now my money is totally mine to manage!!
• I learned and experienced self-love : I know now that self-love is action: it is doing things for myself because I deserve it.
• I clarified my path and exactly what I want to do professionally: I want to practice integrative medicine in order to help people own their healing and I know the steps needed to get there!!
• I OVERCOME ANXIETY!!!! At worse now it’s just a far away sensation of agitation but I can easily catch it and start asking questions like “really D, you’re worried about THIS???” and remember that the present moment is all there is and it is (at least 80%) perfect as it is.

Life lessons I learned:

• I deserve the very best that life has to offer.
• Life can be easy: I just need to release that which is no longer serving me.

About my top goals for 2021:

• Continuing and clarifying the path towards practicing integrative medicine: DOONE!! I had a specialist in integrative medicine on the phone in February and he told me what to do: I’ll be a generalist and use integrative medicine in my private practice. And when I’ll want to seriously invest, there are plenty of trainings I can do!!
• Having plenty of fun: DONE pretty well too: I went on a luxurious vacation with a friend I love and esteem at the highest, I went to parties with friends and colleagues and even had some people over at my place!!
• Going back to CrossFit: almost done: I’m exercising at home every day. I learnt the importance of consistency, on the long run that’s what really makes the difference, not the one time I did 100 burpees in a row but all the days I did 20 burpees divided in two sessions.
• Living in a big apartment with all the place to live with my partner, host friends and relatives, dance, and study: DONE!!! It’s not enormous but I definitely have ll the space I need to feel comfortable!!

Also, had decided that 2021 would have been the year of abundance and happiness.

So, one of my quarterly goals was to “Manage and optimize my finances.” The big result on this side was having my money be completely for me for the first time in my life and integrating the concept that the amount of money I have (or not) tells nothing about my value as a person. I am very aware that there is still a lot of space for improvement though so I’ll take it as my focus for the next two months.

 

And of course the Universe already gave me all the tools on How to laser focus to get results:

 

1.    Choose an area you want to transform: financial abundance

2.    Be specific about the results you want to create : I want to create a side income that can pay the apartment I’m in right now à 1240 CHF / month

3.    Create a simple action plan: create a budget and respect it. See all the legal documents about what I can and cannot do as a doctor. Work on my personal brand. Crush it!!

4.    Work on your mindset and your why. Mindset: my money mantra!! My why: creating the mental space to be able to do more interesting things than worrying about money.

5.    Prioritize what you want to create, no excuses: just do it!!

6.    Take action from a place of being.

7.    Have someone hold you accountable: my lovely accountability partners!!!

 

Voilà!! 

[Diane]

I’m ready!!!

Despite last week’s reflections, the feeling of not being ready followed me into this week.

The Universe was again very kind to me and I found a video titled exactly “How To Take Action When You Don't Feel Ready”.

Here’s what I learnt:

Ready is a feeling of certainty that sometimes comes after you start.

Having the thing be new for you means it is outside of your comfort zone --> unknown, uncertain and “therefore” scary.

Steps:

1. Decision = cutting off indecision. Know that you’ll get pain either way à pick your pain, the pain of staying stuck or the pain that’s going to be required to move forward. Be mindful that the later pain feels like nothing just because it’s not here now.
2. Preparation. If you have enough preparation to take a step ahead, take that step!! Every day is preparation for the next day. You are already prepared to take the next step.
3. Trigger. It is the first action you do. No thinking needed anymore. Your trigger is your schedule, ready or not, just go!!

You can start, even if you don’t feel ready, you have enough and you are enough. You can bring your brilliance with you.

I am ready for the next step.

 

Be excited by the challenges life throws to you, they’re your stepping steps for greatness!

 

 

[Diane]

A new phase

 

I feel like a new phase of my life has begun: now that I accomplished most of the things I had planned for 2021 I find myself having spare time to fill and it’s such a strange feeling for me, being able to decide what I want to do moment by moment.

I decided that going for the path of sharing the nutritional system I’m following will not be the right thing for me: I’ll be happy to share with those who ask me, but I won’t especially promote it otherwise.

I was “forced” to finally recognize that what I really really want right now is not more money but a relationship. So this evening I signed up (again) to Tinder. So far so good: I launched a challenge to a guy that will help me go back into being a runner!!

One thing I noticed about myself is that I need challenges to create results in my life.

The ultimate challenge is that of becoming the Beyonce of Medicine. Hopefully, I won’t let Tinder distract me too much from this goal.

Excellence, D, that’s what we’re striving for!!

 

_ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _

 

About this week:

 

How am I better?

I love myself as I am, pubic hair and tummy included!!

 

How can I improve?

Starting my days strong and finishing them stronger (aka acing my morning and evening routines!)

 

What is my next step?

Going to sleep and recharging for tomorrow’s run!! 

[Diane]

Don't stop: start 2022!!

Since my big exam in June I more or less rested on my laurels with the idea of having already achieved most of my goals for 2021 (moving in a bigger apartment, finding a new job for November 2021, passing this exam..) Then the last week a friend suggested that if I really have finished dealing with 2021 I totally can go on and tackle my projects for 2022. So true!!

I thought my next big focus would be finding The One but after a bit of soul searching, I realized my big goal for the moment remains professional excellence. Within the next year I want to feel very competent in my domain. A call from my mindset training reminded me that big goals require dedication and the willingness to give up something in order to make space for working on them. What I am willing to give up is wasting time on social media, Netflix and superficial relationships. --> study 1 hour per day, no matter what!!

So far I haven’t been very good at it as distractions are never lacking and I tend to want to do and engage in plenty of things at the same time. Fortunately, I abandoned Tinder but I decided to do a 20k on September 26th and I need to do it in less than 1h32min. That means training 5 days per week for approximately one hour at the time. And this week my mother (and probably a friend of hers and my father) will come visit me so I’ll need to take care of them. All seasoned with an intense week at work. I’ll just accept that for this week studying is on pause and get back to it next week.

Another great insight I got from the call of my mindset training is that Success and comfort live on different planets. I can’t expect achieving greatness while staying in my comfort zone all the time. I hope I’ll remember it the next time I’ll want to go for easy. As Leo said the hard way is the easy way, and also the most fulfilling!!

During my two weeks on Tinder I had a huge reactivation of my (hyper?)sexuality. I didn’t act upon it IRL and just did some sexting, but it took a strong will not to just swipe right on the people with shirtless pictures as a profile picture. I decided that I will act on my fantasy of having a lesbian experience and a threesome as a prize for nailing the oral part of my big exam that is planned for June 2022. In the meantime, I’ll just date and have eventual sexual experiences with people I meet IRL.

Another question that came out of this brief experience on Tinder was “What are my rules and boundaries in dating?”. Fortunately I have my non negotiables and I started  implementing them, inspired by the same friend I was talking about who knows the kind of guy she wants for herself and doesn’t give even a second of her time to people below that level. So welcome to people with no kids and not wanting them in the near future; open to true and deep communication and exclusivity; invested in personal growth and respectful and bye to all the others.

The other question was “How do I know if can I trust someone?”. The truth is that I cannot control other people and the only thing I can really trust is my gut instinct with the caveat of always being careful in the beginning of a relationship.

A few days ago I read this profound quote by Beverly Adamo on the Five minute journal: “It's not about time, it's about choices. How are you spending your choices?” I need to remember it every moment: it’s all about what I decide to focus on in thoughts, feelings, and actions. With the reminder that when feeling negative emotions, I can shift them almost instantly by focusing on my body and just moving or even better dancing. At the same time though it’s ok to not be ok. It is only once I have accepted the nature of reality as it is that I can go and change it: the place from which I act is the true determinant of the result I’ll get.

_ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _

 

How am I better?

I’m learning to listen to myself more and more. Instead of just doing what I think I have to do I now have the courage to do what I feel is most important and most of the time it is going for the inner work first and only then going for the outer work, even when the outer work. And that is especially true when I feel so overwhelmed that I just freeze and stress out.

How can I improve?

Doing less things.

What is my next step?

Sharing today’s insights on the forum of my mindset training and preparing the day.

[Diane]

I am Divine

 

Recently I had the idea of “embodying Divinity”:  focusing on the Divine in myself and making the effort of embodying it through my actions. Then, after a group call with my mindset mentor, it went even deeper as a realization: I really saw and felt the fact of being Divine as the answer to the question “who am I?”, not just something to faithfully act upon. I’m starting to understand Leo when he says that he has insights and realizations that are difficult to express with words.. That’s not the point anyway, right?! It just needs to be clear to me, and the best way to communicate it is living it and showing others what’s possible, any talking will inevitably result limited in its usefulness.

 

During the “tribe call” with my mentor she made us do an exercise where we had to complete the phrase “I give myself permission to..”. Here are my answers:

I give myself permission to love and be loved as I am.

I give myself permission to be extraordinary and excellent.

I give myself permission to be enough.

 

Being the ambitious and perfectionist persona I have embodied until now, it is difficult for me to see the whole picture of things; I am always looking at what could be improved instead of starting by acknowledging how beautiful and amazing things are (and I am) already. Things like how privileged I am and always have been: I’ve had my fair share of difficulties in life but at the same time I am the firstborn child in my family and it’s clear that I am the favorite at the eyes of my parents; I never suffered any kind of lack growing up; I was free to choose my career; my parents supported me financially with my studies and now I am freer than ever to choose what to do with my life. Life has been good to me, all I have to do is being good to me too.

 

About the last two weeks

 

How am I better?

I trust myself and express my truth more and more. I’m so grateful for all the work I’ve done on expressing myself, I still silence myself sometimes but I’m getting better and better at it: instead of just listening to my parents as they complained and attacked each other (my mother is contemplating divorce but she doesn’t seem decided yet even if it would be the best decision from my point of view), I suggested them to do couple therapy and my father said yes to it (my mother had already tried to do it but my father had stopped going after the first session). I don’t know what it will bring as I do see my father as a narcissist so it would be best for my mother to just end the relationship but at least they’ll try this option (and I’ll have a little more peace of mind… yep, it was a pretty selfish advice too but boundarieswise it’s not my role to solve their couple’s problems and I’m tired of listening to the same things over and over without them doing nothing to change the situation..).

So here’s one thing more I am better at: defining and enforcing my boundaries!!

 

How can I improve?

Being more clear about what I want and committing to one (or at least just a few) thing at a time.

The idea of doing a 20k turned to be a bit too much for me right now, so I decided to do a 5k in less that 23minutes, still a big goal in just 6 weeks. I’ll still need to train almost every day but I’m happy with it and I’ll be happy even if in the end I fail the goal of doing it in 23 min. It’s all about the process so I’ll enjoy it and see what comes out. I love this approach, pretty Divine, isn’t it?!

 

What is my next step?

Getting clear about my goals for the remaining of 2021: I had already done a plan for the second half of 2021:

Creating a second income (July ÷ August)

Manifesting a deep and passionate love relationship (Sept ÷ Dec)

Specifically for July - August:

Create a budget and respect it.

See all the legal documents about what I can and cannot do as a doctor.

Work on my personal brand.

Create a side income of at least 1240 CHF.

I did two of the things I had planned for July-August: seeing all the legal documents about my profession (a long 200pages read but I’m proud to say I read it from cover to cover) and working on my personal brand. I decided not to go as far as creating a site or a blog, it was more about better clarifying my mission statement, that I now call the D Statement.pdf!!

As for the other two goals for July and August: I did create a budget but didn’t respect it at all as I didn’t spare any expense on the party I organized at the end of July, my one-week holiday in France and to host my parents when they came visiting me last week.

I’ll have to start again on that and re-read for the umpteenth time the first chapters of “I will teach you to be rich”.

As for the relationship part, I want to find The One but if I had to choose from having a partner and not working on my career and the contrary, I’d choose the career (as it is now: doing great at work while also having great friends that I esteem and who love me too!!).

From the perspective that everything comes from the inside out, He’ll come when I’ll feel inside of me the kind of love that I want to feel with him so actually, what I have to do is not being on apps but continuing the work I’m already doing. Being in a relationship with him will be the cherry on my cake, not the cake itself.

Thank you, Universe, for accompanying me back to the source et again.

So my next step will be to focus on my formation and share my knowledge once I'll have finished it.

Big goals ask for big sacrifices : I commit to studying at least one hour per day and I an willing to let go of spending time mindlessly on social media and watching movies/series (I strategically binge watched the third season of Pose two nights ago so I know I'll be fine...). The true challenge will be reminding myself not to complain as I REALLY have nothing in the world to complain about!!

 

Last but not least: give it your all D, you deserve to give yourself the best chances of winning at this game!!

Edited August 22, 2021 by Diane

[Diane]

Intentionally ever after

This week I finished listening the book “How to not die alone” from Logan Ury and it was one of the best reads ever!!

Thanks to this book I now feel 100% ready for a relationship as I am conscious about all the practicalities involved with creating and maintaining a thriving relationship.

Also, it reminded me of the importance of Intention: being clear on what we want, communicating it clearly and acting upon the intention.

Focus and clarity are everything!!

The other major insight of the week came from my therapist who made me notice how I often make impulsive decisions: I don’t even allow myself the time to crave the thing that I have already acted on the desire. Fortunately, I have never had major consequences (apart from all the money lost on things and clothes I didn’t need and at least two people I regret having had sex with) but it’s something to manage and fortunately we’ll be talking about it tomorrow. What I know is that the best things for me came from taking decision by writing in my D-love journal so I could use it for every decision. It won’t be as funny as acting on every impulse I have but in the long run it will help me become a person I am proud of.

As always, it all comes back to consciousness, the real cure-all in life!!

 

_ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _

 

Reviewing August

 

How am I better?

I know what I want and I have the strength to say no to everything else.

This is specifically in my love life: I could have indulged in some easy one night stands while I was on Tinder but I know it is not what I want and for once I didn’t act on the desire of sleeping with someone just for the sake of it.

 

How can I improve?

Being more intentional and specific in the way I plan and spend my days.

I’m learning to create realistic goals for myself.

The next step is to organize my schedule hour by hour.

 

What is my next step?

Organizing my schedule hour by hour.

I had stopped doing it as I never respected my schedules when I did but maybe with this new understanding of being human and having just so much energy and time I'll be able to create a schedule that is actually actionable..

 

I am a Divine Entity in a human body: my soul is limitless, but my body is not.

Therefore I need to take care of it and use it consciously.

Edited August 29, 2021 by Diane

[Diane]

All good things come to an end only to make space to even better things

A lot of things are changing around me and me myself I am in a transition phase and tonight I had this deep sensation of nostalgia about everything I’m leaving behind : the friends I’ve made and the comfort of being in a place I know very well at work and outside.

Then I passed from a the feeling of « why do all good things come to an end » to recognizing I can’t have better things if I don’t make space to them and it also means leaving behind some of the good stuff I had.

So I choose to be in a state of appreciation of what I have in the present moment, knowing that even better things are coming so there is no reason to be sad or nostalgic.

Thank you Universe for this life I get to live and experience!!

[Diane]

You get nothing for nothing -  Clarity is everything

Last weekend I went for a brief trip in Sardinia. The official reason was that I had some matters to discuss with a professor concerning the validation in Switzerland of the years I worked in Sardinia, but the main reason was that I craved being on Sardinian beaches. I ended up manifesting every single thing I had so much desired!! I experienced what people mean when they say that to manifest something you need to feel like you already had it: as I was envisioning and preparing for the trip, I felt all the happiness of the world as it was already happening, and it happened!! ??

I was able to go on with the documents I needed from the professor and then I spent the whole day at the beach with a friend. Talking with him was very instructive: among other things, we talked about investing and it turned out he's very knowledgeable about it as he's been investing in different fields since a few years now. He opened my eyes on the unproductive approach I was having towards investing: I wanted it to be easy and automatic and super profitable but as in every other field of life if I want good if not great results I need to put in a lot more effort than that making myself knowledgeable too in the matter. I felt a mini rush of anxiety rising as it is one more thing on my never ending to do list but I'm also conscious that my problems are for the biggest part first world problems, and I have all the tools that I need to face them.

As for example the fact that I seem to always wake up last minute, not as the alarm rings.. On one hand I know that I have a body that performs very well and makes me able to prepare very rapidly. Fortunately, I prioritize meditating now so I always make the time for it and wake up on time for it. Another problem is my tendency to not prioritize my sleeping time: I don't know how many hours I really need. When planning for my routines I scheduled 7 hours of sleep: going to bed at 10.30pm and waking up at 5.30am. Yet it is very rare that I go to bed at 22.30. So I could try to focus on that: respect the times I set for myself to go to bed. Another rule I came up with is letting go of the things I become late for. It worked well on Monday morning: I was late for a Zoom webinar I wanted to participate in and not participating gave me more time to do other things at work.

Another problem (not first world, unfortunately it’s pretty ubiquitous) is my tendency to say yes (or not say no..) very rapidly to things and then find myself in uncomfortable situations. The last one was accepting to host a friend for one month in my apartment (I only have one room so he was supposed to stay in the living room). We never really talked about this co-habitation : things like when exactly he arrived and left during the week as he didn’t stay for the weekend (at the beginning it seemed from Monday morning to Thursday morning, at a moment it seemed less and then it was more); if he was to pay me something etc... I found myself being his Uber in the morning for work and we hadn’t really discussed that either. It was fun for some days but then I started questioning the whole situation. I have the immense fortune of having amazing and well-meaning friends: one of them was simply shocked that I had put myself in a similar situation and she opened my eyes on the fact that once again I was helping someone who didn’t need help. I opened up the discussion with him yesterday night: we were able to clarify the days of arrival/departure and the financial aspect but something stayed unsaid as I remained conscious of the fact that he is not only the funny and carefree person he shows: EVEN his mum calls him the “invader”!! He has the tendency to take advantage of people and situations and I was the perfect prey.. Fortunately for me he is not so insensible in the end: I guess he felt my discomfort and he’s leaving definitively next Tuesday. The Universe always provides!! <3 <3 <3

It’s funny because this situation made me think at integrative medicine: I definitely need to apply to myself what I’ll be preaching: prevent instead of curing!! In the beginning I wasn’t even going to talk about the subject with my soon to be ex-roommate but then a friend made me realize that just because the situation isn’t severe (yet), it doesn’t mean that my discomfort doesn’t deserve to be recognized and expressed.

Last night I felt again the lump in the throat I once felt because of not expressing. The throat chakra is indeed the way connecting hearth and mind. The way to open it is acknowledging my emotions and expressing them so here I am (besides from talking about with my friend).

What am I feeling? Right now relief as I’ll be free from this roommate situation next Tuesday. I am also grateful for all the personal development I’m doing and I’ve done: this morning while listening to my playlist “listen et re-listen” I stumbled upon a video from Brendon Buchard on how to prevent burnout and one of the things he said was to say no first to EVERYTHING!! I just need to tattoo it in my mind..

What are am I afraid of? As a recovering people-pleaser, I am afraid of not being liked by other people. Yet the objective would rather be to act in a way that makes me proud of myself and let other people have their opinion that anyway I cannot control.

What am I resentful of? Giving too much and not protecting my space.

As always consciousness is the first step, there is still hope for me!!

Another solution to open the throat chakra apparently is singing.. I guess it can have also a negative connotation: my soon to be ex-roommate and my father both have the habit of singing in tense situations.. So I’ll go for expressing first and singing just to be happier when things are already clear with myself and with others.

 

Lessons (re-)learned:

• My voice matters
• I am worthy
• Even if the situation is not severe (yet), I have the right to express my discomfort
• All good things come to an end to make space to even better things
• Clarity is everything

[Diane]

Loving what is

I completed a Judge-your-Neighbor Worksheet on a recurring frustration I have with a friend of mine who is always complaining about her situationship with this guy and never does anything to improve it.

I didn’t expect such a result: now I really love the situation as it is.

The final turnaround was: “ I look forward to listening to my friend complaining about her situationship without ever doing anything about it”. Contemplating this sentence, I saw how apart of the fact that I’m sorry that she suffers from it, it is almost funny and it is a constant reminder for me of the importance of having boundaries.

The other insights I got from this reflection are:

• I cannot really know if all her problems will be solved by psychotherapy
• She has her own path to take, and it is not my job to force her to do anything if it is not something she wants to do: my job as a friend is to support her and avoid catastrophes.
• I just want her to find a way to solve her problems, it doesn’t necessarily need to be through therapy
• I want for her the same freedom that I want for myself
• She shouldn’t have therapy once pre week: the proof is that it’s not happening!!
• The truth is that I need to set boundaries with her and clarify what is ok and not ok for me when we are in a conversation.
• Actually I am the one blind to her issues (she has a true OCD and I hadn’t noticed it until yesterday) so she definitely shouldn’t be listening to me!!
• I cannot really know everything about what is going on with her AND I AM NOT HER THERAPIST!!

Take Home Message:

I need to be a Boundary Boss: I’m in charge of what I let other people bring into my life!!

 

Thank you Byron Katie and thank you Universe for reminding me of this worksheet!!

[Diane]

Gratitude

Lately I have so many things to be grateful for!!

Life is really good to me right now!!

Like for example last week was one wonder after another, everything just went perfectly well, even the less pretty things like a patient that was emotionally shocked and the time I risked falling into a scam.

Amongst the many amazing things that happened:

I went to a Zumba lesson, and it was amazing as always!!
My brothers came to visit me this weekend. They came with two other friends and we spend a really good time together. They also brought me an incredible bouquet of flowers!! I am very proud of having finally let go the idea of trying to fix people and in particular one of my brothers: while he was with me I saw how many good things he does, he helped me in many ways without me even asking!!

I went out two times with my colleagues. We watched the movie “Respect” that beautifully reminded me of the importance of this concept and then we went out for dinner.

“Make sure you're enjoying your life today” said Ralph Smart and I think I’m doing it!!
Then there still some moments I feel a little stressed and overwhelmed but it’s becoming easier and easier to get back on the thought that I am so happy ad grateful to have this kind of problems in my life!!

A beautiful quote that came to my mind while running the other day was “I get to do this with my life”. Running at the threshold is hard but at the same time it’s such a wonder to have the opportunity to do something like that!!

 

Law of attraction

Being that external events and circumstances are the mirror of our internal world I was wondering about how I attracted my current job, of which now I am not very satisfied. I know that I was 100% in my Orange phase and the Clinic is vey Orange in its functioning so maybe it’s that.

The new question is: what do I want from work? Clarity is everything so:

• Excellence
• Time to understand what I do and why I do it
• Time to study and do research around the topics I’m interested into
• Compatible with an extra-work life
• Satisfying

I basically need time.

I’m thankful that right now I have some (I started writing this post 3 days ago and today I’ll finally finish it as I woke up at 5am).

The secret is not to take up 100 projects at the same time.

I’m happy I took the project of doing the 5km though, I restarted running and I hope I’ll be able to keep running multiple times per week.

But for the rest the first answer must be NO! With exceptions of course, I’ll do a group cleanse with the nutrition group I’m into.

 

Win the morning

I’m happy to be writing in the morning today.

I see how every time I decide I don’t have time to do my morning routine everything starts to fall off, starting from my mood.

Also, I noticed that what I shortened as M&E (morning&evening) routine can be read as “ME routine”!! And that’s exactly what it is, something that literally keeps me sane and ensures I can live a happy life. Because only being productive is useless if I am plenty of negative emotions inside.

I’ll rename it the D-Routine!! 

 

Love is the answer

I had a resurgence of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed by all the things that I have to do and would like to know. Then during today’s mediation (always on point btw, I definitely live in a friendly Universe that is designed to support me: today’s meditation was on Love), I remembered my own quote about loving my first world problems: I do have challenges to face but any one of them is life threatening and I have all the tools I need to get out victorious form every one of them!! Also, I deserve to treat myself with TLC and beating myself up for not being like xyz is not loving so it stops now!!

 

Reviewing the last month

How am I better?

I am getting more and more equanimous: the lows are less low, I guess the highs too but I enjoy them a lot more!!

How can I improve?

Remembering how lucky I am to only have first world problems in my life.

What is my next step?

Writing in the mindset group, planning my day and excelling at it!!!

[Diane]

The past is gone

 

Thank God !! 

Today I participated to a Masterclass on personal finance and for the first time I was able to define the feeling I have every time I have to look at my finances even from far away: shame!!

I was ashamed of the fact that I have wasted so much money in so many ways.

But the past is gone and all I can do now is do better with the better knowledge I have now and have compassion for the me of that time as she did the best she could with what she had and she also brought me here!!

Thank you me of the past, I love you and appreciate you. You rock!! 

[Diane]

The past is gone - part 2

I spent the last weekend doing “nothing”. I felt tired and a little ill. Turned out it was not Covid but my body telling me to slow down, as I was experiencing a rebound of worry and overwhelm thinking about all the things I want to accomplish and how not prepared I feel.

It was very beneficial, if I had resisted the feeling and just bulldozed into action, I think I would be more ill and still in that mindset right now.

Also, I didn’t really do nothing: I was able to do all my household chores, which is a lot more than nothing.  I am a great person but sometimes I fail to recognize it. It was so heartwarming when my friend congratulated me for doing half of the chores on Saturday. For the old me this was actually a failure as I hadn’t finished the task but in the conditions I was in Saturday, it was indeed a success!!

Also, I started the exercises in the book “Set boundaries, find peace” and it was eye-opening to say the least!! One of the insights that came out of this work was “I am worthy and valuable just for the fact of existing”.

I also re-watched Leo’s videos on worrying and stress and was reminded that worrying is useless!! Which couldn't be truer: all the energy spent worrying could be used to do something about the thing I’m worrying about and actually find a solution if it is a real problem..

Another insight that came from slowing down a bit was that I can ask for help to people and people are generally happy to help me, the same way that I am generally happy to help. There are people out there who are happy to reciprocate my love language, how incredible is that?! I used to be very resistant to asking for help because of what I experienced in my family, especially regarding things I couldn’t physically do. I felt like my father and my brother weren’t willing to help so I ended up doing what I could by myself and accepting the rest as it was. But I’m no longer in that situation and not all people are as I felt my father and my brother were. The same is true for boundaries btw: I realized that I can have boundaries with people and still be in a relationship with them: not everyone in this word is an insensitive abuser..

Slowly but surely, I am transitioning from innocent to wise. I’m so grateful for all the support I have around me!!

 

Dear future me,

For the next time you feel lost and start thinking “why put in so much effort?”, here’s a little reminder:

Also, TRUE IMPOSTORS DO NOT HAVE IMPOSTOR SYNDROME!! 

You got this!!

Love you!!

D

[Diane]

You get more of what you focus on

I had almost forgot about this truth, and it came out right on time.

The one thing left to manifest from my vision board for 2021 is a love relationship.

I had a one-on-one call with a coach on the Mindset training I’m into and thanks to him I now have more clarity around my non negotiables for a love relationship:

1. Invested in personal growth (NO workshop junkie!)
2. No kids and doesn't want kids for the next 5 years
3. Deep communication and intimacy
4. Respect
5. Exclusivity
6. Open to travelling
7. Financial stability (same level as me or more)
8. Sense of humor

The coach also asked me t “follow my bliss” and I did it very well: I went out a lot and had plenty of fun.

But the guy is still not in my arms..

Then I realized that since July I’m spending an average of 2 hours per week speaking to a guy I met on Tinder and with whom I have a sexting-based relationship. He doesn’t have the first and most important non negotiable so I should have stopped already talking to him to make space for other people or just more space for myself and my growth..

So..

I want to attract (AKA I focus on):

• Excellence
• A fulfilling and thriving love relationship
• Being the best version of myself at least 80% of the time so that I can continue to attract the best that life has to offer.

 

_ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _ . _

 

Reviewing October 2021

I am very happy about this month yet looking at my goals I failed to achieve most of them. I didn’t study, run, dance, nor meet new people as much as I had planned. The good thing is that I love myself anyway: I don’t beat myself up anymore for failing to achieve any given goal. #failrecommit!! That’s the way it works: I can love myself and be happy even while not being yet arrived where I want to be. 

As Elliott Hulse says:

• Failure is an experience that lends to wisdom the ultimately makes you the best version of yourself.
• Failing shows that you’re growing stronger!!
• Every time you feel failure it means that you’re moving forward.

How much time did I spend in my soul presence?

I’d say “more” as I can’t quantify it. I’m learning the importance of living my life from the inside out, focusing first on taking care of me and my soul and then the rest. And it works!! I am imperfect and happy on purpose and amazing things happen to imperfect and happy people!! Like the way I got to celebrate my birthday this Friday: in the past I would have done everything to be perfect in every detail while preparing myself but in the end I did the “bare minimum” to look pretty and that made me able to enjoy the time while I was preparing, arrive without rushing to the restaurant and we had an amazing night even if I was a little bit more hairy than I would have liked.

How am I better?

I take more time for myself.

How can I improve?

Creating a more actionable plan for November and December.

What is my next step?

Right now it is reflecting on the last one on one coaching call I had on anxiety. The answer the coach gave me was just brilliant!! She said “our medicine for anxiety is dancing”. And it is sooo true!! One pf my homework from that call was to dance before meditation every day. I’ve been doing it this week and I love it!! The interesting part is that I’ve wrote many times to dance every day in my schedule, but I hadn’t been able to do it regularly. So now I am conscious that I am my own medicine, I have inside of me the answers I need, all I have to do is trust myself and stay in radical action (as self-love is daily action).

[Diane]

Becoming me

Maybe I should have named this journal like this.

But I am also a healer..

I used to feel very badly about not belonging to some a group. Now I just feel the difference between me and the people around me. It feels weird but at least now I don't want to be like them or necessarily to be liked by them. The strange thing is that it feels weird not having to depend on other people's approval to approve of myself.

I can be me, even it it's stupid /wrong/not enough or anything else for the other people.

I get to choose what os ok for me, what I like and what I don't like.

The only one I am competing with is myself.

Then there is politics, a game that is still useful in society.

So how to reconcile being authentic with playing the game of politics in society?

I guess one has to choose whom to trust enough to be authentic with and the people with whom play this game.

The only thing to remember is that I can be loved as I am.

[Diane]

Self pep talk

Dear D,

I know you don’t like when things are not so clear and  worst of all not exactly as you would like them to be but guess what? That’s how growth happens!! So keep on keeping on, you have all that you need to achieve the greatness you strive for!! And every moment is a new opportunity to do better and be more, take it!!

Love you,

D