Becoming a healer

[Diane]

Mastery is NOT about perfection

After reading two times Mastery from George Leonard I actually hadn't realized it. Thankfully I stumbled upon Brian Johnson's summary and two other reviews on it (1; 2). Here's the map for you, dear future me!! 

Edited November 30, 2019 by Diane

[Diane]

That's the lesson from the last two weeks.. I felt so many negative emotion while lost in the belief that things should be different that they are.. Thank God the Universe helped me out again and I started listening to the book "A Thousand Names for Joy: Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are" by Byron Katie. It's the old "there's nothing good or bad, only thinking makes it so". Everything is perfect as it is. I am perfect as I am. 

[Diane]

Lesson learned number 1512

I spent the evening with a guy I met yesterday at a party and we had one of the most profound conversations I have ever had.

Here's what I (re)learnt thanks to him:

1. I am the Beyonce of Medicine. He made me remember where I actually want to go and it was very helpful to see the difficulties I'm having now from another perspective.
2. I strong, a warrior --> when do I feel strong? Not only did he remind me that I am strong, he also proposed me as an exercise to notice whenever I feel strong.
3. I am free!! I can choose how to live my life. He made me realize how I structured my life from other people's opinion of what is best, which is not necessarily what is best for me. He also made a very interesting comment about how this mode of action came from how well I integrated my father's strictness..

[Diane]

2019 in review

 

CELEBRATE: I'm alive, I made it trough this year!!! Really, I made it!! 

 

Wins I need to celebrate of this past year:

• Having made it through the transition to Switzerland!!
• Having matured: I am more able to accept myself as I am
• I inspired some people 
• The African dinner I once organized when I was still in Sardinia
• I am more feminine now
• I am more intentional in my relationships.

 

What was I doing when I achieved my best results from last year:

• Studying
• Executing plans
• Reading the best books on self development and applying the lessons I was learning
• Allowing myself to be utterly me.

 

One life lesson I learned from last year:

• I am free. Completely free. I have the right to be me. My greatness will come from being original, not from copy-pasting other great people. I can create something even better than what I get inspiration from.

 

About last year's goals:

• Meditate every day: I tried and then stopped even trying when I realized I was free.. Yet as Tom Bilyeu says: Discipline = Freedom…
• Studying (emergency medicine, internal medicine, physical medicine, French, memory and speed reading): I did study, a bit. Much more can still be done though.
• Becoming financially savvy: I have a saving account. I haven't payed my debts yet but everything is in place to do so, I just need to take the time to finalise it. And I don't have a true budget.
• Going out at least once a week; meeting new people → conferences, lectures and seminars, writing to a different person once a week: I did it, I met a lot of new people and went to seminars and workshops. I could have reached out to more people and more frequently though.
• Being fit →  crossfit, running 2 times per week (at the beginning there was also the goal of being vegan…). I more or less failed this goal. I don't even know when was the last time I went running or to a Crossfit class..

 

-> Other lessons I can bring with me in 2020:

• Discipline = Freedom. I am free to choose what I want to do and being disciplined on what I choose to do will bring more freedom in return.
• I love studying!! I knew it already but some parts of me haven't really registered it.. I'm always incredibly amazed of it when I experience it…
• Courage makes life easier!!
• Truth liberates.
• Crossfit is not a religion nor a God… I can be fit even without it…
• The concept of cognitive dissonance: knowing a truth yet acting against it. The most evident example is the fact that I'm an omnivore while knowing all the problems related to eating animal-derived products. Or the lie I tell myself every time I go for a nap after dinner.. I've recently found out it's something I've been conscious of at least since 2016..

 

--> Things I need to focus on more in 2020

• Being disciplined
• Exercising regularly
• Eating well
• Having a financial plan

Edited December 27, 2019 by Diane

[Diane]

Bye bye 2010s; hello 2020s!!! 

 

Inspired by Marie Forleo I did a decade review..

For the vision part I modified the Vision for the next 5 years I had made last year. 

So here it is:

 

1. What I'm proud of

(obstacles overcome, results created)

• The incredible growth I experienced: transitioning from living life as I thought I should to living it as I actually feel like.
• I am a Doctor!!!
• Having been able to find a sort of balance in the relationship with my father: I can appreciate and accept him while still seeing his shortcomings.
• Having learned to say no and to respect myself.
• I learned what it feels like to be physically fit.

What was most important and why:

Graduating. It marked the end of my life as a student and the official beginning of my life as an adult.

 

2. My learnings

(what wisdom has become cristal clear to me. Look for your mistakes..)

• It's crucial to be 100% authentic in relationships. I can't find someone I really like nor someone who loves me as I am if I keep projecting a false image of who I am.
• People can't read my mind: I must have the courage to tell what I want and feel.
• I need to put myself first: it's good to help others but not at the expense of my own happiness and fulfillment.
• Consciousness: to be more conscious of how I spend my time.
• To ask for help.

What lessons are most important and why?

To love myself as I am. I now know I have the permission to be me unapologetically.

 

3. What I'm willing to let go of

• Old projects and goals:

Crossfit at all costs.

• Resentments, anger and upsets

Towards my father: he can't but be how he is and it's perfect.

• Limiting beliefs or crappy old stories

I need to be perfect all the time.

I'm able to take naps after dinner. Just because I've done it in 2015 it doesn't mean I still can do it nor that it's the right course of action.

What's most important to let go of and why (what has it cost you, prevented you from experiencing or achieving):

People pleasing!! It prevented me from being my best self and attracting what I really wanted.

 

4. What's next? What's my future?

(things you'd love to create, experience or achieve in the next decade) --> be as specific and concrete as possible.

 

My vision of the next ten years

 

• Spiritual

I meditate every day

I practice contemplation

I trust the Universe

• Intellectual

I am up to date with all the research in my domain

I read a lot, personal development material and also lots of different subjects to broaden my culture

• Emotional

I am love

I love what is, I don't argue with reality.

I embody the four agreements (be impeccable with your word, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions, always do your best)

• Physical

I am lean, strong and beautiful AF.

I run and exercise regularly.

I can dance gracefully on any kind of music, particularly salsa!!

• Marital

I have a very handsome husband that I love, admire and inspire and who loves, admires and inspires me as well.

• Parental

-I'm still not sure if I want to have children but in case...- I am a loving and nurturing mother and I give a good education to my children.

• Social

I have a group of friends with common values and aspirations. I see them regularly and we always have a great time together

I take part to a lot of work and non work-related events and I network easily

I have friends all over the world

• Vocational (career)

I have finally found what "being a healer" means for me 

I do volunteering work in Burundi

• Avocational (hobbies)

I cook delicious meals for me, my family and my friends

• Financial

I am financially free!!

 

--> My most important goals for 2020

 

• Being fluent in physical rehabilitation = studying every day.
• Self care = doing my morning and evening routines and exercising daily.
• Finding someone to love 3000 = nurturing my relationships.
• Being financially free = acting on the book I will teach you to get rich.

 

Why are they important?

• I love my job and I love being great at it.
• To become the best version of myself.
• I want to experience what's possible.
• To have more emotional and mind space for the other three.

 

Who do I need to become in order to bring them to life

• A disciplined and organised student.
• A visionary: someone able to see  the big picture and understand why having certain priorities and making certain efforts will bring her far far away that doing the next hyper urgent thing that isn't even that urgent anyway..
• Someone who loves herself unconditionally and unapologetically.
• A financial conscious person.

 

5. What future me wants me to know now

 

Dearest D,

Just have faith and keep going.

You can't even begin to imagine how great is sex with your soon to be husband. He's just A M A Z I N G !!!

Now back to work, there's a lot to do!!

Stay loving.

D

Edited December 27, 2019 by Diane

[Diane]

Gratitude

Both the two reviews I did lacked the item "what I am grateful for" but I'm too grateful not to write it also here, apart from my Five Minute Journal.

I'm thrilled at the idea of going back to work!! I've just read some emails and in more than one of them my supervisor talked about how I had done a great job!! I love my job, I'm so lucky to have he opportunity to something I love as a job!!

I'm grateful for many many other things too..

Like all the times the Universe didn't let me choose and always made the best choice for me. 

Or my super little brother who this morning made me watch The Witcher. I really wanted to see that show and in the end I didn't like it so I didn't go beyond the first episode.. Isn't it just perfect?! That gave me more time to do other things.. 

Talking about TV, thanks to him I also finally watched Endgame!!! Just amazing!!! *spoileralert* At the beginning I was a bit disappointed by the narrative of modifying the past but the ending was too great not to love the whole movie!!! 

I also watched the movie Last Christmas. Soo beautiful, I cried so hard... "You're made of everything you do" 

I had an incredible Christmas!! I even taught my mum and my brother the basic steps of Salsa and Bachata!!! It was really a great week of vacation!!

In summary I am grateful +++, really!! 

[Diane]

So...

There is a friend of mine in a difficult psychological situation who wants to move to Switzerland to change her environment and ideally change her life. While on the front I want to support her and I am more or less doing it, there is a part of me very reluctant at the idea.. So here I am finally trying to clarify that to myself, hopefully I'll be able to be more honest with her too then. Welcome judgmental me!! 

Reasons I think it's not a good idea

• She doesn't speak French nor English so well and doesn't appear to me as in the process of trying to improve her skills at that.
• I'm afraid that the impact of changing everything at once will be too stressful for her.
• She's got a lot of psychological issues on and would better work on them first.
• I'm not sure if the co-habitation with her would go well. For example: she almost doesn't eat vegetables and I'm considering going vegan again and in general a meal without vegetables is not a real meal for me.

Reasons it could be a good idea

• She actually told me she managed to communicate with some clients in English a few days ago.
• I can't really know how resourceful she is.
• A physical distance from the people she has issues with may make it easier for her to solve her problems.
• She already has an experience with living with roommates and I could learn something from her experience.
• Who knows, maybe I could have the chance of satisfying my curiosity around being sexual with a girl...

Finally it looks like there are more reasons it could be a great thing, I'm just afraid of breaking my equilibrium yet there is no other way to grow too..

So welcome V!! 

 

Expanding my consciousness

When the student is ready the teacher appears so I guess I'm ready..

The guy (W) who saved me from totally entering a burnout reminding me of the big picture also made realize how shallow is my relationship with my parents, in particular with my mother, even though I say I love her so much. I was sexually abused when I was 6 from a guy who worked for us as a houseboy in Burundi. It has never occurred to me to even question if to tell it or not to my parents, I just went on with my life.. W suggested I should tell them, also in the idea of having a more authentic relationship with them. He is probably right and I noticed how him revealing to me parts of his past made me more at ease talking about my own so it may work at the same way with my parents if I decide to open up. He's so sweet!! He waited for me to be ready and let me be the one to make the first move when we kissed. I had never done "the first move", not sober at least...  I learned the verb "to dare" from him. He said I should have the courage to shake things, totally defying my people pleasing tendencies.. I don't even know how to start telling them about what happened to me. It was very interesting that he told me I explain it just like a child.. 

 

_ . _ . _ . _ ._ . _ ._ . _ ._ . _ ._ . _ ._ . _ ._

 

I noticed I have never really dealt with this trauma so I started doing a little research on the theme..

At first I didn't see why I would bother looking on it as I don't really have a memory of what happened (post-traumatic amnesia?? maybe..) and I don't feel traumatized as a consequence. Thankfully I remembered my own predicament that "consciousness is the answer to all questions" and went on with the research. I now realize that this trauma (I even have difficulty describing it as such, I was tempted to just use the word "event"...) had an impact on many levels, not only on my sexual life. I remember how when we went back to Burundi for the first time in 2011 (after leaving in 1996), the old friends I reconnected with said that I had totally changed, they remembered me as very social and extrovert and here I was shy and afraid of everything...

So, here's what I've learnt in the last four hours or so:

 

RECOVERING FROM RAPE AND SEXUAL TRAUMA

"Rape is a crime of opportunity. Studies show that rapists choose victims based on their vulnerability, not on how sexy they appear or how flirtatious they are." A very basic concept yet always important to keep in mind.

Step 1: Open up about what happened to you

It can be extraordinarily difficult to admit that you were raped or sexually assaulted. Yes, it is.

There’s a stigma attached. Yes, a lot.

It can make you feel dirty and weak. I felt both but recently thinking about it makes me mostly feel weak.

You may also be afraid of how others will react. Will they judge you? Look at you differently? I think it's the principal reason I didn't tell my parents about it. Yet would it really be so bad if they started looking at me differently? My mum always tells me she wish nothing bad happens to the people she loves. It already has happened and I actually survived and dare I say thrived in many ways. Also, how arrogant is it from my part to think they wouldn't be able to handle it!? It comes back to the situation with my friend. Maybe she will suffer or maybe not, all I can do is love her and let her do her thing.

It seems easier to downplay what happened or keep it a secret. But when you stay silent, you deny yourself help and reinforce your victimhood. I noticed I have the tendency to be very passive, in sexual situations in particular and in relationships in general. I mentioned the making the first move thing above.. Elaborating more on that kiss, we were on my bed (a minuscule one btw) and there was a moment I think he wanted to make me lie down, I froze for an instant and he just kept kissing me staying seated. I don't know if it really happened that way or he just noticed it was impractical yet it's a pretty likely it went this way. That means in general I have the tendency to freeze and let people do what they want to me hoping it's for the best. So yeah not saying things (what happened to me when I was a child, how I feel AND most importantly what I want and don't want) is definitely NOT the best way to go..

You can’t heal when you’re avoiding the truth. And hiding only adds to feelings of shame. As scary as it is to open up, it will set you free. However, it’s important to be selective about who you tell, especially at first. Your best bet is someone who will be supportive, empathetic, and calm. If you don’t  have someone you trust, talk to a therapist or call a rape crisis hotline. I listened to a podcast with Wendy Waltz as a guest and will start listening to her book "The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse". I also ordered the workbook "The Courage to Heal Workbook- For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" by Laura Davis. Thankfully I don't expect it to be something I'll be able to solve in an afternoon. I may also start going to a therapist in the near future, we'll see.

Step 2: Cope with feelings of guilt and shame

Even if you intellectually understand that you’re not to blame for the rape or sexual attack, you may still struggle with a sense of guilt or shame. These feelings can surface immediately following the assault or arise years after the attack. But as you acknowledge the truth of what happened, it will be easier to fully accept that you are not responsible. You did not bring the assault on yourself and you have nothing to be ashamed about.

Ok, I have nothing to be ashamed about. Roger that.

Step 3: Prepare for flashbacks and upsetting memories

I have never had any until now but it's useful to know already they may re-surface.

Step 4: Reconnect to your body and feelings

In the interview with Wendy Maltz she mentioned her Relearning Touch exercices, it would be amazing to have the opportunity to do it with W. I definitely need to propose him, maybe he'll say yes, maybe not but I will never know if I don't ask him...

Step 5: Stay connected

I'm doing more and more effort in that sense. Did I mention that on Monday I'll start taking salsa dance lessons?!?! Tai Lopez would be proud of me!!! 

Step 6: Nurture yourself

Once again, thank you W. He's vegan and since I met him I'm more aware of the cognitive dissonance I'm in knowing that meat and dairy are not good for me (nor for the environment etc) and still eating them. I did feel some shame yesterday buying a mixed salad with an egg, ham and cheese. Good, friction is good. Today I finally had the courage to enter a shop just in front of where I live I had always idealized as being too organic for me as I'm still not so eco-friendly.. I found out they actually sell animal-derived products too so now I can return there with  more peace of mind and I know where to go to find better quality nuts, fresh fruits, vegetables and similar.

 

HEALING FROM CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ASSAULT

"Healing".. What a beautiful word!! 

Common Challenges for Adult Survivors
Intimate Relationships and Personal Boundaries

Trust is a crucial issue for many survivors throughout their lives because it was broken as such a young age by the very people who were supposed to care the most for them. Because survivors of childhood sexual abuse may have had to keep the abuse a secret in order to protect the family, as a result, many survivors may feel they have to put the needs of others above their own. Someone would call that people pleasing...

Because their personal boundaries were invaded when they were young, adult survivors may have trouble understanding that they have the right to control what happens to them. Yep.

Fear, anxiety, and being ‘always on guard’ and the Art of Remembering 

Fear and anxiety are normal responses to trauma. Some survivors have experienced traumatic amnesia or delayed recall of memories of child sexual abuse. Traumatic amnesia is a particular response of the brain that prevents a child from having any conscious recall of the abuse. It is associated with extreme emotional trauma. Memory loss has a reason: we may have been so young when abused that we were unable to form thoughts or put our feelings into words. Memories can’t be forced; they will come back when the brain is ready to handle them. My current fear is loosing control. I think it comes from the belief that loosing control (I spent a good five long minutes freaking out before finding the courage to kiss W...) means that something bad will happen to me and I won't be able to stop it until it's too late..

 

Final takeaways:

• 6 years old me was courageous too. I did say no in the end. You rock 6 years old me, I love you from the deepest of my heart. As Marie Forleo's mum says: everything is figureoutable, we'll figure it out, don't worry!! :*
• It's of the utmost importance to express myself, even if it feels uncomfortable and it may provoque some disharmony.

Edited January 4, 2020 by Diane

[Eph75]

On 2019-11-30 at 0:40 PM, Diane said:

Mastery is NOT about perfection

After reading two times Mastery from George Leonard I actually hadn't realized it. Thankfully I stumbled upon Brian Johnson's summary and two other reviews on it (1; 2). Here's the map for you, dear future me!! 

That is a great image - thank you for sharing that. 

Edited January 4, 2020 by Eph75

[Diane]

@Eph75 Thank you!! 

[Diane]

Let go and forgive

I've just finished watching Leo's video on letting go.

One of the thing I noticed I need to let go is the anxiety I feel towards the number of things I have to do. I just need to star doing them..

Then I stumbled on a post on Instagram about forgiveness. It was such a great reminder!! The guy I went out with a few times during the last weeks totally disrespected me. I was angry and pissed off but didn't show him, I just decided not to have any more contact with him. Now that I also decided to forgive him (I don't know why he acted as he did) I don't have anymore the underground resentment I was feeling. I won't invite him to my table but I forgive him, and I love him at the same time. I wish you the best W, thank you for everything.

[Diane]

I made a list!!

There are so many things I want to contemplate!! Ready go!! 

Total empathy - Robert Greene

I listened to a podcast from him talking a bit about The Laws of Human Nature. I don't remember all the details but I was struck by the concept of total empathy. It's not easy, at all. Also, what does it mean in practice? I can choose to be empathetic with a person but if he/she is acting wrong? How do I communicate it? Note to self: re-watch Leo's video on communication and maybe take a course on communication in the future.

Acceptance, responsibility and defencelessness.

I stumbled on the book "The seven spiritual laws of success" by Deepak Chopra. It's just one hour long yet so dense of wisdom!! I ended up listening to it and then also reading it.. When I listened to it I was touched by the concepts of "acceptance, responsibility and defencelessness". And between the three mostly by the dea of responsibility. It's something I thought about yesterday, the idea that I am totally responsible for my life and in part also for how things go outside of my little life. I realized I have more power than I thought, I can make a difference. Unfortunately in the specific situation I realized it too late but it was a good lesson. I am powerful!! Adding to that, Deepak Chopra defines Responsibility as "the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now", and it's in the chapter about the law of least effort. It's so brilliant and true!! Accepting the situation as it is now I don't waste precious energies debating with the universe and wishing things were different, I just do the right thing to do given the reality I'm confronted to. Also, the defencelessness part reminds the importance of desisting from the need to defend our point of view. On the same note he then talks about remaining in a state of self-referral, not to look at ourselves with other people's eyes.

That's not the point

I came to this illumination a few days ago  while going to work. I don't remember exactly how I came about it but it's the concept of "when we lead an extraordinary life, finding someone great is a byproduct" (#thankyou Matthew Hussey!!). I realized a lot of my activities were centered on finding someone, AKA The One, but THAT'S TOTALLY NOT THE POINT!!! I knew it already but it's only now that I'm starting to understand AND act on it. For example for this year I chose to start to go to a church where I thought there were more people of my age but that's utterly not the point!! If I decide to go to church it's for attending the Mass, praying, being with God and being in a spiritual mood and environment that enriches and expands my consciousness. This last point being the actual goal of my existence: I'm not here to find "The One" but to explore the vastness of what is possible. Then, if I also find someone to share this journey with it will be a nice cherry on the top of a cake that would have been great anyway!! It's amazing how the simplest things can take so long to understand.. Thank you Universe for this too!! 

Truth telling

I see myself not telling the truth more and more often recently. It goes back to the concept of wanting to uphold a certain image of ourselves at all costs. And as Brad Blanton perfectly wrote "When we are trying to protect and preserve our image of who we are, much of our time is spent in worrying. When we try to improve our image, much of our time is spent in fantasy. You go crazy when worry and fantasy are your only two options." I worried and fantasized so much this week.. What a waste of time and energies!! Better let go of the image of perfection I will never sustain anyway and use the energies I have to find solutions to my problems.. Bye bye perfect self. I don't know if I would really enjoy being you anyway. In the larger scheme of things actually not, even God in his/her perfection decided to spice it up a bit by creating imperfection... 

Rejection

Talking about the beauty of not having a perfect life: yesterday I realized the guy I went out for a while with actually gave me what I needed and kind of asked for too. At a moment when we were in a sort of foreplay before kissing, I realized I had never been rejected in love and I had never made the first step in fear of being rejected. So he played on it a bit refusing to place the cup he was holding on the floor as I asked him but it was just a game. THEN he did truly reject me by not answering to my messages and playing it cool when I saw him a few days later... At the same time, going on with the exercises on the book "The Sexual Healing Journey" I decided to set the goal of asking out people when I want to go out with them with a spirit of total equanimity and detachment. There's no shame in being rejected, it's part of life and it's just fine.
I saw a Ted Talk from Marisa Peer on the subject and she suggests five ways to respond to rejection and criticism in general:

1. "Thank you for sharing that". Tell self: I don't have to let that in; what's the point in arguing?
2. "I am sorry, I didn't hear it all, can you repeat that?"
3. "Are you trying to hurt my feelings? why would you say that? I am not going to let that in"
4. "Well that's not going to work, I am not going to let that in"
5. "While we are sharing, did you know the most critical people don't like themselves? Their inner workings of themselves are projected outward. So, when you are critical, you are showing everyone your criticisms of yourself and your internal bitterness"

IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE REJECTIONS THE PERSON IS LEFT WITH THAT.

While listening to her I realized that a similar response can be offered also to our self deprecating thoughts. It's incredible being able to do it in that context, it nurtures the seeds of love in us while gently cutting out the weeds of self-hate.. 

Humble ++

In this week of not telling the truth I also judged other people, a lot. I finally realized everything I was finding as a fault in others was just something I didn't want to see in my own behavior and actions...

Take the lead

This goes back to the concept of being powerful. I chose this phrase after noticing it in my vision board..

Yep, I'm the boss, the chief, I'm a motherf*ing GODDESS!!

Now the question may be "can you reconcile being humble with being a goddess-leader-chief-diva-thebeyoncéofmedicine"? Yes, of course!! Leading by example!! 

[Diane]

It's been two pretty hard weeks for me and I ended up self diagnosing a burnout. Not the worst of the cases but I did correspond to its definition.

Doing some research in search of a solution I finally subscribed on BetterHelp so thankfully I'll be getting some professional help, also for my other issues.

This afternoon I also did The Work on the belief "I will always be late on everything".

Here it is: Being late.pdf. It helped me see once again that it's ok not to be perfect. I'll never be and it's perfectly fine..

Then I watched Teal's Swan video on "The Secret To A Happy Life".

Here's what I learned and re-discovered:

The way to purify your life is to realize that even though life seems complicated, it's actually very simple.

It's as simple as figuring out what you value and then living unconditionally according to those values.

Values = what you consider from your most authentic core to be most important.

Deep inside your hearth, what do you really want?

Your values are about how you want to be in the world relative to others and to yourself, what you want to do and how you want to go about doing it.

Your strong emotions in life are always connected to a core value --> when you get upset it's important to see what value is getting threatened.

NB: there is no future, we live in a universe where all that exist is the now. And what you do now is what's setting up your point of attraction for the future = the Universe is just looking at you and saying: "either you live according to your top priorities now, or the future will never change, it will only stay a match to what you're telling me through your actions is your actual priority"

Do today as you would do in the future, unconditionally!!

 

Defining your values

1. Looking back at your life

When were you the absolute happiest? The period when I was working and also managed to do Crossfit, Pilates and even the climbing course. At the same tome I ran regularly AND studied AND had a social life!!

Why? I had it all in my own terms.

What were you doing? All of the above.

What factors contributed the most to this happiness? Having balance between the things that I love most: I love my job and also doing sports and being social.

When were you the most proud of yourself and why? During my runs after a night shift. Surpassing people running (#theswoosh)

When did you experience the most fulfillment and meaning? Explaining things to patients.

Why? I was able to help them understand their health problem which means more probability of them taking the medication and being more on the healthy side of life in general (#consciousnessistheanswertoallquestions)

2. Looking at your life now

What situation makes you the unhappiest? Being unprepared for things and being late on deadlines.

Why? It makes me look imperfect…

What desire or need is missing from your life now? Running, Crossfit, studying.

What part of your life now makes you feel the happiest now? Salsa!!

Why? It's just the best thing ever, I love every single part of it!!

What provides the most meaning? Helping patients understand their illnesses, accepting what cannot be changed and motivating them to work on what can be changed.

What makes you feel the most proud and the most fulfilled in your current life? Seeing patient start walking.

3. Look at each aspect of your life (relationships, career, leisure..) and ask yourself:

A. What personal qualities do I want to bring to this aspect of life?

B. How would I behave,  what would I do if I were the ideal version of myself relative to this aspect of my life?

Relationships:

A. Love, kindness, empathy , authenticity.

B. I would have the courage to always say what I think. I would never judge people.

Career

A. Professionalism, optimism, hope, joy.

B. I would do my work with joy and lightness.

Leisure

A.Discipline, consistency, joy.

B. I would do my exercises no matter what.

4. Looking at your future

If you could design your perfect life, what would it look like? Work-exercice-study-social life

What would you be getting out of your life being that way? Joy, fulfillment, a fit body, a fit mind and a fit spirit.

What is the best part of your ideal future life? DANCING!!! And Crossfit!!

What would make you the most proud, most fulfilled and give you the most meaning? Being excellent in my job.

And why? I could deliver the best service to my patients.

 

--> My core value: Balance

What steps could I make to live it?

Running in the morning

Doing my exercises no matter what

Studying no matter what

 

 

 

I still have an underlying sensation of fear and anxiety toward the near future (will I be ale to do all the things at work? Will I be able to do my exercises and also study?). But I feel way better than the last few days. I'm not crying anymore and don't envy my patients for doing more physical activities that what I do. They're just the Universe's kind way of reminding me of my core values and what I need to incorporate in my daily life to be the best version of myself. So, once again: thank you Universe!!! 

Edited January 26, 2020 by Diane

[Diane]

Speechless

There's an italian wine called "Senza parole", "Speechless". And that's exactly how I feel now, in the most positive sense possible..

I'll try t verbalize it anyway..

So.. Yesterday was a incredible day.

I had my first live session with my therapist on BetterHelp and it was amazing!! We mostly just got to know each other, she said she found me to be an enjoyable and caring person. 

Then in the evening I went for a night out with a friend in Lausanne and it was just the best of experiences from the beginning to the end, I even found out I actually have a club in Lausanne, the D!Club, and it's amazing of course!! 

I'm learning to be more authentic and also vulnerable in my relationships.. Who knew the wonders it could work? I have a phone appointment with the guy I flirted with in Sardina tonight. I still have a mega crush on him, it almost hurts.. Reflecting on it I had realized that if I want a loving relationship with him that's how I need to be in his regard. We had a chance to text on Instagram this afternoon and instead of responding in funny or even sarcastic ways as before I actually answered him from my hearth and it ended up in him proposing to call me this evening to talk more about my long story from Italy to Switzerland. My mind of course went right to how we can organize a date for Valentine's day... Then I realized that also enjoying the moment as it will be will be more than good enough.. #that'snotthepoint...

Talking about overthinking/getting lost in my head this week I read a a super article from Darius Foroux about the subject and the lesson is: 

Which thoughts are useful?

1. Thinking about how you can solve problems. A problem is just an unanswered question. Put your brain to use and think about how you can solve problems. There are a lot of those on this earth.
2. Understanding knowledge. That mean this: Try to internalize knowledge and think about how you can use that knowledge to improve your life, career, work, relationships, etc.

That’s it. You can ignore every other thought.

Also, you’re probably thinking so much that you’re missing out of life. Did you notice the sunshine this morning when you woke up? Or the raindrops? Did you notice the smell of your coffee? Did you feel the texture of your cereals?

If your answer is no, you definitely need to get out of your head. Stop thinking and start feeling.

I shall feel (and do) instead of thinking useless thoughts..

The other lesson learned this week comes from the one and only Matthew Hussey..  It'a about learning to not only invest as much as the other but also to be vigilant that the investment / effort we're doing doesn't come with gigantic expectations attached.. In his words: 

Attention is NOT intention.

2 principles:

1. Don't give what you're not prepared to loose. Littman's test: can you be happy with what you're doing simply being a good memory instead of an actual future? Can you be happy if it doesn't turn out into something more?
2. When you get to the sweetspot, have the conversations that allow you to make the distinctions (the conversation about what your needs are, what your boundaries are and where you want something to go.)

Thank you Matthew. Thank you Universe!! 

[Diane]

Epiphanies

It was a very interesting week from the emotional point of view..

• On Monday I spend almost an hour talking at the phone with the colleague in Sardinia I had a crush on (he didn't call me on Sunday, I did nothing and he called me the day after.. Doing nothing rocks!! ). We mostly talked about me and my story going from Sardinia to Switzerland. As I talked to him he noticed I'm struggling right now, he said I'm not the Diane he used to know, always happy and cheerful. He did like that version of me more.. I didn't tell him but it's sad because the gloomy version of me I am now is somewhat stronger and better that the happy face he was used to..  Maybe we'll continue keeping in touch but more probably not, at the very least because he told me he's seeing someone and he really likes her (at the point of spending almost one hour with me at the phone.. Idk.. I can only act on what I see and hear..)
• The Universe talks me about para-athletes!! Yep, it does!! At the Clinic I work to we're not actually specialized in treating para-athletes but sometimes there are patients who for one reason or another become para-athlete or wish to continue their previous sport as para-athlètes, so fascinating!!
• The Universe is on my side. It totally is. Sometimes I forget it though.. In the end things always go as they should and it's for the best!!
• 

Using my therapist's words: what's good for my neighbor is not necessarily good for me too.. I already have had this "epiphany" on a conscious level but I keep seeing how believing I should do things in a certain way because "that's what Leo said" or "that's how Beyoncé/Mimi Ikonn does" etc can be detrimental. There is not an absolute perfect way to do things, it's mostly about finding my own specific way of doing things to achieve the same results (if not more.. ).

 

• I'm learning to accept not being liked by everybody all the time. Yesterday I had lunch with a patient I met while dog the cue at the canteen and found out came from the very same town were I worked in Sardinia. It was amazing chatting with him but then there were the other patients who were a bit perplexed about that. I have no one regret!!
• Yesterday I had my second live therapy session on BetterHelp. Among others I told her about the bout of depression I had on Thursday morning: it was not a stressful day and I wasn't interrupted so frequently so on paper everything was set for me to do the things I had to do with calm yet I felt so sad and desperate I could barely fonction. And that's what I did, the bare minimum trying to survive one minute at a time. But I really couldn't understand where that sadness was coming from.. And when I told here she just started explaining me about automatic thoughts, it was so clear and evident for her!! So after the session I looked a little more into it and here's what I found out:

 

Automatic thoughts

NB: Thoughts are not necessarily true, accurate or helpful. Ask: Is this fact or opinion?

Automatic thoughts are images, words, or other kinds of mental activity that pop into your head in response to a trigger.

Automatic thinking refers to automatic thoughts that stem from beliefs people hold about themselves and the world = Self-concept or how people perceive themselves and their past experiences, their abilities, their prospects for the future, and any other aspects of the self. The basic idea of how our self-concepts and cognitive biases affect our lives has to do with automatic thoughts. --> cycle self-belief --> automatic thought --> emotion --> behavior --> self-belief reinforcement.

As the name indicates, these automatic thoughts cannot be controlled by people directly, since they are reflexive reactions based on the beliefs people hold about themselves and the world. However, people can indirectly control these thoughts by challenging the beliefs that lead to them.

Identifying the negative thought can be challenging because as the thought is more familiar, more accepted, like a part of the personality, it is more automatic, and the more automatic the thought is, the more difficult it is to detect it.

 

My automatic thoughts and a little processing

“How am I going to do all this?” --> I'm afraid I won't make it -->  “I can’t do it.”

What does it mean that I can't do it?

I am not good enough

What happens if I am not good enough?

I loose confidence in myself.

What does self-confidence mean?

Being confident that we have the tools to deal with the situations we're faced with in life.

--> I can handle the situations I'm faced with. I can do it. I am good enough, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. 

Edited February 9, 2020 by Diane

[Diane]

Culture and parenting

I'm tending more and more toward the side of wanting to have kids one day yet I'm immensely grateful for not having any right now and for the fact that I haven't had any before learning what I learnt in the last few days..

The first lesson came from Jada Pinkett Smith talking about how she raised her children and the relationship she established with them. She never treated them like "children", she treated them like any other human being. She and Will Smith let them follow their hearths. She beautifully said she gave birth to them but is conscious they're not hers.

On the same line my missed mother in law, whom I've decided to consider an aunt from now on, repeatedly told the phrase "a failure at school is not a failure at life". She came to visit me yesterday and stayed the whole day. We talked about many many things. The quote about school came out while talking about my brother who did not finish university, wich remains a big shame for my parents. So "a failure at school is not a failure at life" is something he was never told, at least not in family and it must have been very hard for him, also being confronted with the outward success I was getting. She also told me about how she raised her children (4 amazing adults now): she openly spoke to her daughter about sex and told them to ask her everything they wanted to know so that she could answer as long as she's alive and still in all her mental capacity. She told them (and me) about her sexual education: she grew up in a region of Burundi very strict about virginity until marriage and she lived by that rule. Not at the letter but as a guiding and foundational principle. She made sign the guy she had sex for the first time with a sort of document stating he was the guy who took her virginity away and was committed to marring her later. Also, after graduation, when she started working and was physically free from the watch and constraints of family, she decided to take 5 years of celibacy: even if she was beautiful and brilliant and had many suitors she stayed to her decision and it was for the best. She told me that in the culture of Burundi normally, before marriage a girl stays one month with a paternal aunt who takes the time to teach her everything about her future life as a woman and as a wife, in very specific details (for example in the region she grew up in, girls wear pearl waist belts, when they're still kids they're told it's for measuring their waist as they grow up but it's actually to entice the man's desire as he touches them..). From what she told me all this is something I would have probably missed also if I stayed in Burundi, some parents just think that children who grow up in modern society (as for example in a big city in Burundi rather than in a village, which would have been the case for me if I stayed n Burundi) don't need/want to have this knowledge. Besides that, immigrating is a big emotional trauma for them and talking about the traditions of their birthplace can be felt as re-opening the wound. So I totally understand my parents for not having done that. Thankfully they're still there and I can ask them. Another thing my new aunt taught me is the fact that one is a parent for life, it's not that just because your child is 18, 21, away from home, married, with her/his own children or so on that you stop having to parent him/her.. I'm so grateful for all that!! 

 

About my sexual healing journey

So so so...  Last week, exactly on Valentine's day my therapist on BetterHelp taught me what healthy sex is. In the previous session she had asked me what were my objectives for the process I had started with her and regarding dealing with my child abuse I told her I wanted to know what healthy sex is as I was beginning to see how actually distorted my vision had been till then. As it is often the case, it was something pretty obvious but I definitely needed to hear it.. So I now know that health sex is:

• Consensual. Totally, not only at the surface --> it's not consensual if I say yes while actually not really wanting it. In other words I can say no, it's totally fine: the other person won't die because of it and he is capable of providing for his sexual needs even without me.
• Respectful. I am 100% in charge all the time, I can say no at any time: saying yes does not mean I'm ok with everything the other person wants to do.
• Safe. One time I did slip into the unsafe side of sex, it definitely was one of the lowest moments of my life. The interesting thing is that he wasn't able to penetrate me: even if I wasn't able to protect myself my body did it for me as he could (cf vaginismus, I never had any another episodes apart from a yeast infection I had once...) Fortunately I didn't get any std (the yeast infection was years later). It was interesting how my therapist told me "yeah, on this point you know much better that me". Yes, as often knowing something doesn't necessarily means you actually do it..
• In the right context. She told about how jumping form one bed to another is not healthy, as seeing someone who is in some way involved with another person at the same time. She also said that relationships with a big age gap are not healthy as well as there is frequently something else you're looking for in that person (mother/father figure, financial gain..). Very very eye-opening!!

In the book "The Sexual Healing Journey", Wendy Maltz stresses a lot about the importance pf building a friendship first before moving on to sex.. Here's an excerpt:

You need to know people as friends before even considering sex with them.

In healthy non abusive sex, intimate relationships are ALWAYS based on friendship.

In friendship, the focus of the relationship is on such things as common interests and a sense of trust. You get to know someone for who they are and you let them know you for yourself. In friendship you learn to be vulnerable and share your feelings candidly, without the added pressure of worrying about whether you will be seen as attractive, feminine or manly.

Little game to escape from sexual stereotypes: when you meet someone pretend they're not the sexiest man on earth but a 60 year old woman.. = Relate at people as humans instead of objects or stereotypes.

Having friendships first helps us create relationships that are based on respect and equality.

Other step: nonsexual courtship. Dating without even considering sex (several months!!!)

The healing vacation ends when you feel ready to explore sex as an expression of self caring and nurturing or intimate sharing with your partner. You will need to go slowly and take gradual steps toward sexual intimacy.

Thank you BetterHelp, thank you W, thank you Wendy Maltz and thank you Universe!!!

The super good news is that I'm starting to actually apply all this knowledge: I do consider people as people even if I find them attractive. And I now have standards, I pondered a lot about virtual sex and similar, which ultimately gets to the question about casual sex: right or wrong? Ok or not ok? Because one can say that if it's consensual and safe, why not?? I was tempted to contact a guy I know who is available at any time for anything yet I finally refrained from texting him. To test me further the Universe made him text me and I was able to say no even if some parts of me would have wanted to say yes to his offer (no pun intended... or yes, you choose!! ). I'm so proud of myself!! "You'll loose something familiar but gain something much better", very true!! Bravo me!!

 

Stress (AKA life) management

The other subject I'm working on with my therapist is stress management. Stress will always be there, it's about befriending her (yep, stress is female for me. I see calm in the masculine. Very stereotypical but so it is..). I had a super epiphany last week realizing that I will never really finish what I have to do at work, it's just utterly impossible. I was beating myself up for something I couldn't even do and didn't even need to do.. With my therapist I learnt the importance of setting realistic goals, and scheduling my days in a realistic way. For example I had planned to study every day yet it's clear that I can't so I now accept to plan on studying one day per week, it's not much but it's a lot more than nothing and accepting it as enough frees me of the culpability of never being or doing enough.

Thank you Z!! 

Edited February 23, 2020 by Diane

[Diane]

Thank you Universe for making me stop

I've just realized that most of the times the moments of sadness happen in times when I'm not focused on the right thing so the Universe in her magnanimity forces me to stop and reconsider things. Last week was very charged at work, I was coming from a week of vacations and had the double of the normal work as I was also replacing my colleague who had some vacations too. Instead of becoming sad and overwhelmed this time I became very angry and at the moment it was very energizing.  I talked it over with my therapist all happy and proud of what I perceived as a great progress and she was more like "uhm, ehm yeah, not bad but..." She reminded me of how it's not productive on the long run being motivated by anger.. I researched a bit about anger and the answer as always was unconditional love. I once more registered it on a superficial level and this afternoon the reminder came in the form of being utterly destroyed by a comment from my supervisor. Talking about a document I was late on she was surprised and said "do you have too much to do?". It's the feeling of injustice that hurts most. I texted a friend and we suffered a bit together as she was having a bad day too.. Then I put on some youtube videos and re-learned the lesson of unconditional love.

It applies to everything: myself and my imperfection, a difficult patient and my supervisor too (she actually completed a document I was REALLY late on and I'm grateful for that). The last video I watched was a speech from Don Miguel Ruiz titled "Change your Reality". I was deeply attracted by the title because I know we attract our reality but at the moment I had some difficulty imagining how and why would I have attracted such a difficult situation and then how to change it. Here's what I learned from him: The truth is that I have no idea of what I am. But I am. And I can be whomever I want.

A beautiful thing I then realized is that despite the difficult moments I am actually attracting and creating the life I want. I realized ex post that the outfit I chose today was very close to the ethnic chic style I want to have and was very in line with how I imagine the Beyonce of Medicine looks like. Then there is an assignment to present an article of our choice at the journal club we weekly have. It will be hard yet it's totally in line with the purpose of "doing plenty of research and public speaking to make people healthier through consciousness".

So far so good then!!

[Diane]

I wrote a prayer

I suffered a lot this week, 100% of the time unnecessarily but this beautiful prayer came out of my tears:
    

Dear God,
    Thank you for creating me and preserving my life and my health until this day.
    I surrender to your will, I know there is a purpose in what happens and that I am on a path of purification to become the One I was meant to be.
    D

 

Acceptance is definitely the word of the year. Here's the things I need to accept and peacefully surrender to:

    • Myself as I am. I am a human being and as such I have some limits. The only thing that I can do is the best that I can and that will always be enough.
    • Being perfectly imperfect and being seen as such. Accepting myself as I am also means giving up the mask of perfection and accepting being vulnerable around others.
    • I need to rest, sleeping time is not wasted time. Again, even machines need time to recharge!! So instead of fooling myself with the idea of taking "night naps" it's totally fine to decide at a certain point that the day is over and I can go to sleep.
    • Life is not supposed to always be easy and I am not supposed to be happy all the time. Life is also made of challenges to overcome. What I can be all the time is calm and accepting of the present moment as it is. And accepting reality does not mean I passively surrender to it. If something bad happens I recognize it and take action to change it if it's possible.
Yes, thank you Universe for all this.

Little reminder of the 5 agreements:
    1. Be impeccable with your word.
    2. Don't take anything personally.
    3. Don't make assumptions.
    4. Always do your best.
    5. Be skeptical, but learn to listen.

Thank you, Don Miguel Ruiz.

 

[Diane]

I am an artist

My life is my art and every tiny decision I make is a brushstroke on the canvas I was given.

Actually, it's more of a sculpture that I'm creating, I add and subtract material as needed and color it with the most vibrant colors at my disposal.

Subtracting is painful at times but oh gosh how wonderful is  my creation after eliminating all those trivialities!!

What does becoming a healer means then?

Creating the most beautiful creation I am capable of and at the same time adding color to the creations of others, even if it's only with a smile.

 

[Diane]

I already have the answers!!

Recently I started wondering about things like "who am I?", "what do I really want, what is my role in the world?".

Then I realized I actually already have the answers in the form of my mission statement and my vision board.

I felt lost because I was moving away from my very own Path.

So I reconnected with it and it manifested itself like this:

My life purpose is "to do plenty of research and public speaking to make people healthier through consciousness" and here I summarized it as "to live an an amazing life and heal through consciousness".

The next question was : what does "healing" mean?

To heal means "to restore or be restored to health".

And health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being.

 

Thank you Universe for giving me this clarity. 

[Diane]

Peace?

My mind is wondering all over the place right now. 

I made a list and yesterday I learned somethings about Mandala.

So I'll print a Mandala and paint a section at the beginning of every point.

We'll se what comes out..

 

Orange Clinic

This week I realized how the Clinic I work at is totally Orange on the Spiral Dynamics model and how totally being in Orange myself I couldn't but end up working in an environment like that. 

It was a good reminder of the Path I'm on. 

I had already listened to the videos on Orange and Green and took notes on how to transcend Orange but I guess I'll need to listen to them again, mostly as the last thing I noted was that "to transcend orange you have to go through all of it." Idk if I already did. What is sure is that I'm totally starting to notice its side effects..

 

Burnout touches people who are intelligent, competitive and engaged

I was listening  to a book on burnout and that's what they said..

I wouldn't label myself as having been 100% in a burnout phase yet it was very awakening learning that it can take up to a year to recover from a burnout and the first thing to do is to focus on sleep. And then all the other basics of a healthy lifestyle..

 

Sustainability

Right on the topic of going from Orange to Green. I am conscious that the lifestyle I've been having in the last months isn't sustainable and won't neither get me to where and what I want to be. That means re-calibrating. A lifestyle cleanse that is. It makes me very uncomfortable and maybe it's a good sign: some parts of me I don't need any more are fighting to stay. So..

Dear perfectionist and I-can-do-it-all Me,

thank you for helping me get where I am now.

I see now that I am limited, wich may be a bad thing from your point of view yet it is also what helps me connect with others to a more profound level.

It helps me understand, accept and love myself too.

We are one so we won't really separate, I'm just expanding my point of view.

I love you

D

In practical terms it means starting to have fixed hours to go to bed and to wake up.

As I'm on holiday right now, it could be bed time at 11pm and waking up time at 6am.

Ok.

 

Authenticity and self-confidence

In one of our sessions my therapist noted I have some difficulties with self confidence and self esteem.

The three are tightly interconnected.

Self-confidence = a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.

Self-esteem = confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.

Authenticity = the quality of being real or true

"Authenticity requires vulnerability, transparency and integrity." Janet Louise Stephenson

I was listening to a book this morning and they talked exactly about that, how there cannot be authenticity without self-esteem, self confidence AND accepting to be vulnerable. A few days ago my supervisor asked me if I was ok, if I was tired or so but on the spot I didn't have the courage to tell her how tired I was in fear of bursting into tears if I only started talking about that. Then I realized admitting it and putting down the perfection and I-can-do-it-all mask was the only sustainable solution and I told her (in an email).

I've spent too much energies pretending to myself and others.

I am good enough as I am, that's a fact.

I have all that I need to do well at work and there's no shame in showing my vulnerability, that's just part of being human.

 

Assuming my vulnerability

As Brené Brown beautifully says: "What makes me vulnerable makes me beautiful."

A quote to remember..

Imperfection is beauty.

Or better: perfection is the best I can do.

I think I've already wrote it but as always repetita iuvant.. Perfection is what I do when I do my best!

 

What are my needs? What are the other's need?

This question came from a book on communication and relationships I listened to, the idea being that to have productive communication I need to be clear on what are my needs and what are other people's needs.

About my needs: in general it's to be aligned with my life purpose ("to do plenty of research and public speaking to make people healthier through consciousness").

Right now the need I see not being satisfied is having the time and energies to study.

Talking about it, my therapist proposed me to start by having the goal of studying on weekends so I'll start there.

Hopefully this week I'll be able to do a little more as I'm on holiday.

About other people's needs (in this case my Clinic's needs): first that administrative work is well done and done on time. It's something I realized just recently: I'm mostly praised for the bureaucratic work than for the medical work per se. Of course they're strictly interconnected, if I wasn't good as a doctor I couldn't do well the bureaucratic work but still, it was an eye-opening realization for me..

So now I structure my work a little differently so that this need can be met as best as I can. 

 

Anger in the sign of an unsatisfied need

And the solution is not necessarily to satisfy it right away yet just recognizing its existence and seeing if it can or cannot be satisfied.

The Wounded Healer : Dr Gabor Maté; Jonathan Foust

I can be healer while still healing. Good to know!!

From a "non dual" point of view by working on my own healing I am already healing the Universe..

Not bad!!  

My values

Know thyself they said..

So, dear Self, here are my 11 most important values:

BALANCE, Personal growth, Passion, Professionalism, Honesty, Optimism, Learning, Friendship, Contribution, Travel, Beauty.

How can I embody them more?

I'll let consciousness do its magic.. 

 

My strengths

Another book I was listening to reminded me the importance of recognizing and focusing mere on my strengths than on my weaknesses.

So here are my top 5 strengths:

Love of learning

Gratitude

Spirituality, sense of purpose and faith

Diligence, industry and perseverance

Hope, optimism and future-mindedness

This is who I am. Impressive!! 

 

Can't relax

In all my orangeness I realized I don't have the concept of "relaxing" in my universe.. I may allow myself to do things with calm, take some rest but I don't have things I do to "relax". Good? Bad? Idk.. I just feel like needing to be productive all the time, there's no such thing as doing something just to do it.. Apart from dancing.. And Zumba!! There are plenty of benefits from doing both of them yet I like them too much for there to be a second purpose in doing them. I really need to implement them more in my ife!! They'll be my relaxing activity!! There's also cooking btw..

 

Doesn't need to be symmetrical

This is the lesson I learned painting my pseudo-Mandala.. I started painting it symmetrically then suddenly realized I don't have to, there isn't even a model AND there are good chances it will come out even more beautiful by being asymmetrical than symmetrical.. 

Here's how it looks like right now: