Becoming a healer

[Diane]

About the last two weeks

Incredible things happened in the last two weeks, so I made a list..

• The most incredible one was on this Friday: an ex colleague (and hopefully soon a friend of mine) called me to tell me about a formation exactly in what I want to practice when I’ll be doing integrative medicine and also to tell me about a job offer to do an internship in a medical office that has the same philosophy. As cherry on top of the cake the formator and mentor of the medical office knows me by a friend of mine who actually lives in Sardinia!!

Universe always delivers big time!!

I haven’t said yes to the offer yet as it is for May 2022 and it would mean resigning from the job I have now where I have a one year contract and I also risk to have to pay for the room that I am renting in the new canton but aside from that it’s an amazing opportunity!!

• During the last session with my therapist, she made a great point about my fear of displeasing other people, which is just the other side of the coin of people pleasing. I am awake enough to know now that people pleasing is manipulation, so I release it. Easier said than done but at least the step of awareness is done.
• Another thing she said was to learn to channel negative emotions. I do it more and more. The most helpful for me is the D-Love journal, a journal I started in March where I write to myself in an unconditionally loving way. Thank you Universe for giving me this idea!!
• On Wednesday this week I had a hotseat session with the mentor of the mindset training I’m in. I decided to talk about vulnerability as I noticed that I am still not able to be as authentic as I would like (#backtopeoplepleasing I guess). She said “It’s uncomfortable doing you when you’re not used to it. It’s a birth-giving process.” I just need to lean into the resistance and finding the courage to show myself as I am and speak my truth. There is a nuance though: it’s not about telling all of my thoughts and feelings to the whole world: I need to find what is ok for me to share and be aware of what is appropriate for the situation. She gave me the challenge of finding out how I can be more vulnerable at work. It will be by speaking up when I disagree with or just do not fully understand the why of what my supervisors propose for patient care.
• Last weekend I participated to an online workshop with the mindset training. It was very intense and focused on Self Love. The main lesson I got from it was the fact that anxiety comes from our mind trying to predict the future based on what happened in the past. Yet the future is made by what I decide to think, feel and do in the present moment.

Also, personal growth, inner child and shadow work are all supposed to be life-long processes apparently. Does it mean that I’ll never get rid of anxiety? Idk.. Quoting my mentor, it just means that life will continue to throw challenges to me to foster my growth. So it’s totally possible that one day I’ll stop worrying about things that will probably never happen. Defined like this it’s so ridiculous!! :’) Thank you Universe for all this awareness!!

Here are some gold nuggets I got from the workshop:

• The more you love yourself, the more other people can love you
• Dancing is the language of the soul
• My message to my inner child: You can tell things!!
• I am love, love is not something I give or receive: I can just operate as love.
• It’s all about balance: our best traits can become negative if pushed at the extreme.
• The negativity/positivity that we think creates in the world.
• Suffering comes from resisting reality so get busy only with what you can control: your thoughts, actions and feelings!!
• Dismantling th Ego is understanding how it defines the future based on the past.
• Acceptance is the fastest way to transformation.
• Acting on what you’re intuitively guided towards is challenging, that’s just the way it is.
• Return to love daily.
• Focus on what you want to become and what you want to attract.
• When you’re you all the time you’re less exhausted.
• Love rules and love heals.
• Your thoughts are not your thoughts, until you start creating intentionally (with affirmations, visualizations etc).
• Showing up is the most important thing for a relationship.
• Be authentic, 100%!! Be willing to be vulnerable, being vulnerable is the true act of courage.
• Don’t make it about achieving things, make it about being the best human being you can be.
• You’re always one decision away from becoming a different person.
• Share the growth, not the process!
• Keep leaning into the resistance: go where you’re uncomfortable every day!
• Keep letting go: if you’re meant to be together, you’ll find each other.
• Be clear and stay clear!

New affirmations:

• To let go of what’s no longer in alignment with the life I want: “I deserve the very best that life has to offer. You are not the best so I release you”.
• It doesn’t matter what the mind is saying, I just practice.
• I am love and I only act from love.

 

The next step now is doing more and being more intentional in what I do. I noticed I’m letting myself go in some subtle ways, like meditating in bed instead of seated; not really exercising and eating things I one ate just exceptionally more regularly. A nation is born stoic and dies epicurean (Will Durant). Fortunately I live in the same era as Ryan Holiday. I’ll subscribe again to the Daily Stoic!!

Edited November 21, 2021 by Diane

[Diane]

How was it supposed to be?

Universe always delivers so one should definitely pay attention to what he/she asks or desires.

I have 100% manifested one of the beliefs I had around becoming a doctor that was one of my motivations to go into studying medicine: after high school I didn’t want to get married and didn’t want children so one of the reasons I chose medicine was that I saw it as an all-encompassing profession that would have gave me no time or energies to reflect on how empty my life was once at home after work.

That was literally my life in the beginning of 2020, work work work and only work.

Fortunately I grew past that phase and now I’m manifesting one amazing thing after another.

I find myself having some trouble to accept all the beauty I have attracted, feeling as if I don’t deserve it or as if I’m not good enough to go to places I’m invited to. I am very good at giving but not yet at receiving.

I watched some Teal Swan’s videos about the subject and now I know that if I have difficulty receiving love it is because I’ve never been loved unconditionally, not even by myself. The silver line is to get in love with what is: what’s happening is supposed to happen. How do I know it? Because it’s happening! All I need to do is to get on board with what’s happening as opposed to resist it and continue to tell myself that it shouldn’t be happening. Worth is inherent to my own existence, I don’t need to justify or “deserve” good things happening to me and on the other side when bad things happen it’s because that’s exactly what I need in that moment.

There’s nothing wrong in getting things “I don’t deserve”. I once had the concept of doing something ex-post to deserve all the beautiful things life gives me but that’s not how it works: all I need to do is to say thank you and enjoy what the Universe offers me as a demonstration of its nature of infinite love.

So next time I recognize love, instead of turning away from it (I normally don’t even finish to read a loving text and pause before answering as I feel as it is too much to take it in on the spot) I’ll take it in fully, be grateful and recognize that I am worthy of being loved as I am and life is so generous it continues to give me proofs in support of this thesis.

 

My research went then back to my current desire to be in a relationship, so I watched some other videos from Teal Swan and she had some questions I need to ask myself:

If I were to accept today that value is entirely based on needs, then who needs me? Someone who needs to be listened to and wants to work on his issues --> I’m not actually looking for a perfect partner/person, just someone who is working on himself (and also reflects my non negotiables though).

Why do I want a partner? To feel a deep and intimate connection at all levels

What does it feel like to have already manifested that relationship? It feels like being home, where there is nothing to prove and nothing to deserve, I am just loved as I am.

She also proposed to do a visualization about the relationship I want to manifest, I’ll integrate it in my evening routine.

 

On the theme of visualization, a few days ago I had the epiphany of answering to anxiety with the phrase “consider the best possible scenario too”. A gentle reminder of the fact that I don’t actually know what will happen and at the same time I have some influence on it with the thoughts I decide to think and the beliefs I choose to hold on to. So why not choose to focus on the best possible scenario? If things go otherwise, I’ll course-correct.

 

Another beautiful epiphany I had was about becoming a friend to myself: since March I started writing in a D-love journal and it’s The place to go for me when I need reassurance or just a little self hug. Now I’m starting to be gentle to myself without needing to write, at a certain point after a self-deprecating session I return to love and to seeing how counter-productive it is to be my own enemy. <3 <3 <3

 

Returning to the title I chose for this post (taken from an Eddie Pinero’s speech I couldn’t find again where he talked about how we don’t really know how success is going to be even if we aspire to it), yesterday I “stumbled on” a video from Kyle Cease about being on a new planet. And that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling for a while: the old story is no longer me and my life has changed so much I sometimes can’t even believe it. But as Kyle said “Unfamiliar does not mean that is not where you belong.” On the new planet I’m enough as I am. So I choose the new planet: it is going to feel like pain for a while (the pain of mourning for the old planet and the safety of being in a known territory) but I choose to not addiction myself out of whatever I’m feeling. Btw: I am the new planet!! ?

[Diane]

Laziness and overwhelm

I’ve been letting myself go in many ways recently, not exercising and doing the bare minimum as of my routines. At the same time, I noticed I get easily anxious and overwhelmed. A coincidence?? I think not!! 

So, I’ll lighten a bit my morning and evening routines and focus on nailing them for the next two weeks.

Then for the overwhelm part I’ll do a brain dumping at Mel Robbins’ style.

It couldn’t be easier!! 

Btw I downloaded that 2022 will be the year of Contemplation. I’ve been wanting to do a 10 days Vipassana meditation for a long time. I guess it’s time!! 

[Diane]

The physics of success

I watched a very impactful and transformational Keynote from Tom Bilyeu.

He talks about the physics of success, how success is about using a scientific method to achieve specific and clear goal. I had never thought about it from this lens yet he’s 100% right.

Here’s my answers to the questions he suggests to ask:

1. What is my goal?
2. What is the thing that stands between me and my goal?
3. What is the best guess to what I need to do to get over to that goal?

My goal:

Becoming the Diane of Medicine: being an excellent integrative medicine doctor and giving life-changing speeches.

Impediments to becoming the Diane of Medicine:

·         Having the two specialty titles I want (physical medicine and internal medicine)

·         Anxiety

·         I’ve never given a true public speech aside from my thesis

·         Being unfocused and easily distractible

Solutions:

1.       Getting clarity around my career

2.       Continuing psychotherapy and moving my body

3.       Using every time I get to present something as a public speaking training

4.       Getting organized and blocking out time for important tasks

 

I did get more clarity around my career: I know exactly what is left to do to finish my formation.

I have my weekly appointment with my therapist and today I went running for the first time in 2 months and a half, I’m definitely back!! I also danced btw. Did you know that dancing I a powerful way to prevent neurodegenerative diseases?! I’m definitely going back to Zumba too!!

There is a lady who always complains of not hearing me very well at meetings: I’ll start talking as if she’s the only one I’m speaking to!!

And I’ll definitely start doing one thing at a time!

[Diane]

2021 in Review

CELEBRATE: I'm alive, I made it through this year!!!

 

Wins I need to celebrate of this year:

• I love myself as I am, I am my number one priority and I give myself the best as I know I deserve the very best that life has to offer
• My money is now all mine to enjoy and manage
• I passed the written part of the exam to become a specialist in physical medicine and rehabilitation
• I learned to express myself and I’m practicing it more and more
• I arriver third in my category in my very first running competition
• I moved into a new and much more spacious apartment that I love!!
• I’m out of debt and on my way to becoming a millionaire at 40!!

 

What was I doing when I achieved my best results from this year:

• Studying!!
• Eating healthy
• Dancing
• Running multiple times per week
• Staying focused on my goals

 

One life lesson I learned from this year:

• Return to love, always.

 

About last year's goals:

• Continuing and clarifying the path towards practicing integrative medicine done!! I know what the path is and I manifested a formation for 2022 doing exactly that and also a mentor who practiced the same thing.
• Having plenty of fun: done!! Little examples are the party I had to celebrate my new apartment, my birthday, the vacation in France.
• Going back to CrossFit: I just did one trial lesson two weeks ago but I think it’s going to happen in 2022!! ?
• Living in a big apartment with all the place to live with my partner, host friends and relatives, dance, and study: 100% DONE!!!!!

 

New year's goals:

Professional goals

• Passing the two specialty exams

Fun & Recreation

• Giving lavishly to myself

Relationships

• Deepening and up leveling my inner circle
• Finding the man of my life

Body time

• Getting into the best shape ever
• Going back to Crossfit
• Running regularly
• Doing the Sierre-Zinal run

Personal growth

• Making it the year of Contemplation:
  • social media to the minimum
  • meditating 2 times per day
  • doing less and being more

Skill Building

• Finances: clarifying my finances and my financial plan

 

Other lessons I can bring with me in 2022:

 Enjoy the present moment, it’s all you have D!! ?

 

Actions in the next 3 months for achieving my goal:

-Writing to confirm the internship in Internal Medicine for November 2022

-Clarifying my finances

-Re-starting online dating

[Diane]

And now what?

I really really want to manifest a love relationship yet I also know that when we say "I really really want", we're saying "I don't currently have" and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

So all I have to do is to let go and have fun. But what kind of fun? I’m very tempted to go back on Tinder for the easiness of it yet I know the man I want is probably not on Tinde. Also, I have decided to make 2022 the year of contemplation by doing less and being more. So I officially declare I am done with Tinder, I’ll subscribe to some more “serious” dating apps where the chances of finding the man I’m looking for are higher. It’s a bit judgy but I’ ok with it.

The other aspect of the matter is that actually everything I want is already inside of me. So if I want a deep and intimate relationship all I have to do is to develop one with myself. I’m working on it. I loved the idea I downloaded of “giving lavishly to myself”. It definitely will create abundance also, as people will start to see me as someone worthy of giving things to!! 

In my obsession with finding a partner today I listened to a course about how to be irresistible to the eyes of a man. It turns out I need to ask for help.. The one thing I’m not comfortable at all doing, so funny!! The key to healing is vulnerability and people who attract people who are emotionally unavailable apparently tend to be people with a certain level of emotional unavailability so I cannot but embrace it..

What can I do about all the suffering in this world?

I found myself asking this question as I heard conversations about all the evil that happens in this world. My father gave me an answer: he suggested to start with my own family. Right now it would mean going back to not owning my own money so it’s a no but I’ll keep in mind the suggestion. IT’s true that it would be a nonsense to go help other people if my own family is still suffering.

Why do I want to become a millionaire?

This is a question my colleagues asked me when I shared my goal of becoming a millionaire at 40. It’s something that just arrived to me, like the date of my marriage (October 22nd, 2022,btw, get ready!!). The why is form one side negative in the sense that I want to avoid at all costs being in need and in the other side positive as I want to be able to afford the finest things in life. Their argument was that I already can afford a lot of fine things, which is true, yet I know I can’t really afford ANYTHING I want so I’ll keep that goal!!

[Diane]

Key word: Imperfection

I'm not perfect and it's ok. It's part of the reality of being a human being.

The being so, my job is not to try to hide my imperfection but to have the courage of being vulnerable and ask when I don't know.

Because that's when it starts really counting: when I feel as if I should be something or someone I am not (yet) in that moment and I am able to disrupt the old patterns.

I wasn't able to do it the last time I had the opportunity to, hopefully next time I will!!

Edited January 16, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

Open to greatness

I still find it difficult sometimes to fully receive the amazing things that life gives me.

I know though that the only way is to fully take them in, the same way that the only correct answer to a compliment is "thank you".

So today I take fully in that there are people in this world who admire me for what I do and who I am.

I take fully in that I am worthy of receiving wonderful gifts, like the articles that my mentor decided to send me every week. 

It's a true diamond because they reflect exactly what I want to do later in ma private practice.

I promise that next time he writes me I will take the time to answer right away and take in the joy I feel in reading his emails.

Welcome to the new Planet D, where people love just because it's who they are: you don't need to prove anything to anyone to be loved and taken care of. <3 <3 <3

[Diane]

Paradoxes

I decided that this year I will "lavishly give to myself". Now I'm starting to see the downsides of this attitude, at least as compared to delayed gratification. Instant gratification is thrilling and satisfying for a moment but I rapidly remember why I was doing The Work to begin with.

Yet delayed gratification is no fun at all and the waiting can become very frustrating.

I guess that's where meditation comes into help: to feel happy and satisfied also without the external stimulation. I'll meditate more!!

The other problem I have is that I cannot even consider speaking to people I find ugly.

So superficial right?! Yet I feel like I can't help myself..

And at the same time of course I put on a pedestal people I find beautiful and feel hurt if they don’t like me back. 

I recognize I’m not perfect yet I’m not willing to settle for less than “perfect”.

Maybe I just have found a standard of mine. I only date people I like aesthetically.

That’s just it and now I accept it.

The next step is recognizing I am worthy of being with someone I find even extremely attractive.

I’ll become it!! Not to other’s people eyes: I’ll transform myself into someone I find extremely attractive.

And for the rule of “you get more of what you focus on” I’ll inevitably attract someone I find very attractive!!

 

 

What do I want?

Clarity is everything. Yesterday I subscribed to Tinder for the third time in 2 weeks and then I finally realized I’ll never find anything significant if I don’t know what I’m looking for.

I need to live intentionally, otherwise I’ll just casually exist.

So.. Do I want to go and have sex with anyone I find on Tinder (and is sufficiently attractive for my standards) or do I want to patiently do the work I’ve started following Shan Boodram’s book The Game of Desire? Which is fantastic btw!!

If I had to choose right away, I’d choose the first one without hesitation. Mr Right will ultimately come (pun maybe intended) but I’m ok with Mr Not So Right too for now.. So it’s ok for Tinder but we’ll only go for 10s, nothing less!!

I already feel better. Now that it’s no longer something “forbidden” I don’t even feel the urgency I felt yesterday to return on Tinder!!

I just need to remember to still prioritize sleep, that’s a true nonnegotiable!!

As my therapist always says and as I'm finally starting to understand: it's all a matter of balance!!

[Diane]

New standards

 

I was wondering : what if all of my efforts end up not having any results?

Like, what if I died tomorrow: no boyfriend, never tried a threesome and haven’t even done my permanent hair removal!!  It wouldn’t be so bad for permanent hair removal as I would be dead anyway (sorry for the people who will have to take care of my hairy body but who knows, maybe they’d like it..). But for all the things that I am “sacrificing” in order to have access to the best in life - and keep myself safe and alive -, wouldn’t it be a shame if I didn’t get to experiment them before dying?

So maybe the goal is to live a life I am satisfied about, idk if it corresponds exactly to “the good life” where one strives to do the right thing as often as she can but at least I wouldn’t have any regrets if the ultimate result doesn’t come about.

On the other side there is the question “What if it turns out even better than planned”? I would do much more gladly and joyfully the tasks I otherwise find tedious and annoying right now.

Is it possible that the quality of life depends on the type of questions we decide to ask?

Attitude is the key!!

 

January is already over but I haven’t done yet a proper plan for 2022.

The good thing is that I’m ok with that: I do have my vision board for the year and during this month I was able to see what it really means to dedicate this year to Contemplation and Embodiment: it means saying goodbye to the old standards I had of having to to EVERYTHING now, to always be on the run doing doing doing and at the same time always beating myself down for not doing enough.

I found a very illuminating video from Kyle Cease titled “Lower your standards”. It’s funny that also my therapist alluded to this idea once and I had dismissed it seeing it as just absurd, not knowing that the really absurd thing in the whole story were my standards.

Here are some quotes from Kyle to remember, dear future me:

• Your should-based motivation = abandoning yourself.
• Just because you're not used to it, it does not mean it's not you!! I bought a very elegant and beautiful coat and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to wear it yet again, I do deserve the very best that life has to offer!!
• Let the Universe be the Boss.
• You're supposed to be exactly where you are. Start from "I am loved".
• New standard: the standard of now = the now just loves you, as you are. It's a much "lower" standard but also a much higher standard in another way: you receiving the love of this now is actually much more powerful than you being stressed and always needing to be somewhere else.

 

I can do everything, one thing at a time.

 

Let February begin!! 

[Diane]

Life is now

After yesterday’s session with my therapist, I finally understood on a cellular level that I am already enough: it’s praiseworthy that I want to improve myself in every way possible but that shouldn’t stop me from allowing myself to live life now.

I don’t need to be perfect to start. And I'll never be perfect anyway!! Thank God I got it now that I’m still young!!

So I restarted Tinder but with a whole new approach. My therapist made me notice that staying in and out of Tinder in lapses of maximum one week wasn’t the best approach.. Apparently finding love takes time and patience….

As Kyle Cease said “In the new world you have patience. You don’t structure things so much because you let the Universe structure things for you.”.

The other point that came out from yesterday’s session was the idea of focusing on doing the best that I can and letting go of the goal of being perfect.

I also have an answer to overwhelm : consciously choosing peace. And, as always, returning to love and to the present moment.

I started listening to a book called “Let it be easy” (the new motto for 2022!!). Here are two quotes for you dear future me:

• Confidence is being willing to feel uncomfortable.
• Wear emotional scars as badges of honor, you made it through so many things!!

I’m proud of you!! 

[Diane]

How to love me

 

I completed Shan Boodram's workbook and here is what came out:

 

Dear world,

My name is Diane and I am a charming young lady with a great sense of style.

I am inclined to constant improvement, and I am very dedicated when I am passionate about a subject or project.

I also have a lot of stamina and am inclined to sports.

My love language is acts of service: if you want to show me love, help me out with the things I have/want to do.

My attachment style (aka the way I relate to others in the context of intimate relationships) is Secure:  once in a relationship, I don't fear losing it and I feel comfortable opening up to the other person.

My apology language is: "make restitution" - through my love language - : I love it when someone who wronged me tries to do something to show me they are sorry.

My reasoning style is "journalist": I am open to new experiences and enjoy learning about others.

I trust my intuitions and act on them, sometimes falling into the trap of believing in false evidence.

My current ideal relationship structure is: modern monogamous (serial monogamous): when I love someone I'm all in for that person. At the same time though, I am ready to let them go if we are no longer compatible.

Regarding my personality, I am mostly extroverted: I love being surrounded by people, especially if they appreciate me, and I like to make them feel good. My Jungian Personality archetype is the Consul, ESFJ-A: I am a social creature who loves taking care of people and being recognized for it. When I have a plan, I execute it without getting too much distracted.

On my sexual orientation, I am strictly heterosexual. I love D*ck!!

My turn on trigger is Desire: I am turned on by dirty talk.

I need to know how and how much the other person wants me, in details.

My orgasm recipe: for me sex has to start with kissing and gradually climax from that. I like it when someone has power over me, in the sense of arriving to almost making me come and then slowing down to begin again and do it until I'm almost begging to come. I loove receiving shallow rapid strokes alternated by one deep and slow one here and there. And of course, I love it when the experience is a mix of all the above!!

There you have it peps, handle with care, I’m precious!! 

[Diane]

I cracked the code of BDSM!! ?????

I've been fascinated by BDSM for a long time now.

Recently I met a guy on Tinder who can switch but prefers being submitted. Through him I learned that there are a lot of rules in BDSM (it makes sense as the D stands for “Discipline” but I didn’t know that either). He substantially likes to be insulted. #preferences. Reading on the topic I found out that the ultimate goal of BDSM is not orgasm but meeting a need. I then realized that the need for me was being able to let go of control trusting that I am taken care of.

Then on Monday (yes, on Valentine’s Day!! ) I had the most perfect date with another guy. There is no one thing I would change about that date. I went to see him in his town as he kept saying it’s the most beautiful city in the whole world. So he showed me the town, as it was raining and I didn’t want to open my umbrella he always kept me under his and always ran after me if I adventured in the rain to see something outside a covered area. He paid for everything, which was not needed and maybe not fair but I appreciated it anyway. His body was screaming desire form everywhere the whole time but he didn’t act on it: I was the one introducing the topic of having sex. And when we went at his place he told me the address two times (I could have find it on gmaps too but he made it easier to tell my friends where I was). And of course, having sex with him was amazing!!

What I learned is there are other ways of meeting the need I once felt like needing BDSM for.

He took care of me from the first moment we met and my need was already 100% met long before sex.

I feel sorry for the other guy who didn’t answer me when I asked him what was the need he felt like being met through BDSM. I hope he’ll find his answers too.

We’ll see how it goes with the healing one but for the moment I am just infinitely grateful.

Another piece of wisdom I got from my Tinder experience is: “Go for 10s with things, and 8 with people”. Because I’m not perfect neither and it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve good things.

 

Thank you, Universe, thank you Tinder!!

[Diane]

I already have all that I need

 

I do live in a friendly Universe that was designed to support me.

Yesterday I was feeling sad about the Valentine's day guy not texting me back and not being able to dance as well as my friends and then I remembered how lucky I am to have this kind of problems!!

I am so grateful for my first world first class problems!! 

Also, because I already have the solution for every one of them.

 

I found in my notes on Onenote a file called “positive automatic thoughts”.

It’s full of positive affirmations and there was also what from now on I will consider

 

My Prayer

I am grateful for every breath, as it is not granted.

I am careful with my body, as it can break.

I am loving with myself, as this is all I have.

 

Another amazing source of inspiration is my Mindset Mentor Mahima:

• “There is no end goal, only the journey. And the journey is always now”. Thinking about this takes all the overwhelm away: I can have projects for the future but the only way to realize them is staying focused on the present moment. I may even not achieve the result in the end, but I’ll have lived the journey and that’s all that matters.
• “You get more of what you focus on and of what you surround yourself with”. I need to pay attention to what thoughts I choose to dwell on and what kind of people I choose to surround myself with as I’ll inevitably become them.
• "Only give from your overflow”. The symbol song we chose with the Valentine’s day guy is “All of me”. Now I realize how making that song the leitmotiv of a relationship is in truth a recipe for disaster: it can only create the unhealthiest co-dependent relationship ever. Sorry John Legend, your intentions were certainly good and maybe you were talking about self-love in reality. Either way, I commit to always give to myself first and only give to others from my overflow!!  Also, I don’t want to make other people thiefs giving them what I need for me, that wouldn’t be loving neither.

 

 

This image is actually on my vision board for 2022. I really really already have all that I need!! 

Edited February 18, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

The only way is in

 

Thank God I got a week of vacation this week.

It gave me the space to refocus, as I had entered 2022 running around like a headless chicken.

Fortunately I attracted many good things anyway but now I see how much I deviated from the goals I had set for myself.

This evening I had a moment of doubt wondering why I do what I do. It seems like other people don’t question everything so much and don’t buy courses on courses on how to live life.

Love of learning is one of my core value so I guess that’s just how I’m wired.

Maybe it’s a blessing maybe not.

All I can do is to accept it and continue nurturing myself with the belief that even if there will always be more to see/learn/do, I’m already good enough as I am, I am lovable and worthy.

My external results have to come from internal shifts, not the other way around.

The more I love me and the more people around me will love me, no one can love me more than how I love myself.

Other people and the world around me are a mere reflection of my internal world.

So I’d rather take care of my own garden as it will brighten all the neighborhood!!

 

I was listening to a Podcast from The Minimalists and they said this wonderful quote: “Find pleasure in meaning and not meaning in pleasure.”

 

I commit to being consistent and to follow through with what I plan this year, especially when it becomes difficult and less sexy because that’s when it starts counting. I also commit to trusting Universe and its timing. I’ll let it do its job while I do mine.

 

Thank you Universe!! 

[Diane]

My life, my rules!! 

Alignment first and then action, right?!

Regarding love this time I went into action before aligning as I wanted to prove to myself that I was already enough. Fortunately, I live in a friendly Universe that is designed to support me so I got my proof by the perfect and magical date I had on Valentine’s day.

And then I remembered the five precepts, in particular the third one, that has always been tricky to me to uphold.

This thought was linked also to the advice one of my coaches gave me to wait at least 2 months before sex if I’m aiming to a serious and long lasting relationship.

At the same time I know it was more about making love than “mere” sex what happened with the Valentine’s day guy.

Also, there are people who start as friends with benefits or just f*ckbuddies and end up getting married.

So, is there really something wrong in making love with someone before being committed to that person? In the sense of: does this complicate things? Like making a relationship last longer than it should just because sex is great?

I once had come up with the rule of not having sex with someone I hadn’t seen elsewhere than in a bedroom before at least 2-3 times. 2 or 3 then?

The fact is that I don’t see making love with someone as “giving away my body” or “sexual misconduct”.

So the new guideline could be to commit to only making love / having sex with total respect for my body, having the courage to say if I feel pain and to continue expressing my preferences and my desires.

Idk how all this can transform in a long term relationship.

What I’m starting to see is that in the end there are no one-size-fits-all rules in life and in the end I’m the only one who can really know what my Truth is. I have all the answers inside of me, from now on I am the Ruler!!

 

At lunch yesterday, half joking and half not, I spoke about how the 22 February 2022 is for me the date of the wedding with myself. Without thinking too much about in the morning I had danced “I do” by Aloe Blacc. I’m doing this little ritual of dancing love songs and dedicating them to myself.

And in "I do" Aloe Blacc talks indeed about commitment.

 

I think the ultimate path to the long-term relationship I’m looking for is self-love as I attract who I am.

The rules will naturally come out from me loving myself enough to uphold my own standards.

Also, I am the love of my life: the only thing that stays is my inner being, everything else is destined to come and go, including relationships.

 

Another thing I recently understood is that value ultimately comes from needs: I’ll be valued by someone who has needs I spontaneously meet and vice versa.

The needs I feel like needing to be met by a love relationship are: Security, grounding, caring, affection and understanding.

Now I know.

 

Thank you, Universe, thank you Diane.

All is one actually so: thank you, Me!! 

 

I’m even a poet now.

Here’s a mini poem inspired by Matthew Cullen:

 

 

Love

I found you, as I found myself.

Edited February 22, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

Clarity

 

"I have no idea how this is going to happen, but this is what I want".

This is the mantra my mindset coach shared this week. So powerful!!

All I need to know is who I am and what I want, the rest will figure it out by itself.

 

So what do I want?

• A powerful couple
• To excel in my studies and at work
• An inspiring group of friends
• A strong and fit body
• To nail the 33km trail in August
• Financial wisdom
• Being fluent in German

In one word: Excellence!!

 

Voilà, the asking is done, now I just need to allow it to happen.

The funny thing is that allowing is not passive at all: it requires me to be very intentional in how I think, feel, and act, as I need te be the fertile ground where the manifestation can flourish.

 

I will do that by embodying my Divinity.

 

I’ve been doing it with the Valentine’s Day guy already. It gave me a lot of power and peace, in a situation where I could have otherwise put myself in a passive-aggressive and very negative position: we had started to plan for a second date this weekend but I felt he was too busy to make it and instead of passively waiting for his confirmation/cancellation, I made it easier for him to cancel by gifting him freedom with my words. In the end it was for the best because I was tired too last night, and I am grateful I had the time to just relax.

But of course, I still think about him A LOT!!

 

There may be some wisdom in this idea of being committed to someone before having sex with them. It’s not even about being saintly but just to keep the more clarity of mind possible: as much as I liked a lot of things about this guy, what distracts me the most is still remembering what I felt while being in bed with him…

I think I will be able to do it with the next person with whom I’ll have a connection: I decided to put Tinder on pause and continue the work with The Game of Desire. At the end of it I’ll have a clear image of what I want so I will be able to communicate it and also to wait without anxiety, as I’ll be in a long-term oriented mindset.

 

Another point to get clear on is my true motives for what I do.

I was talking with a colleague the other day and she asked me why I seem to always be striving for more/better.

Fortunately, right now I am happy with where I’m at so the question would be: “why not just keep things as they are?"

I think that’s just who I am: at this point I already have internal and external validation (I’ve just received a promotion at work!!).

So, I’d say it’s just for the fun of it.

It also fits with what I found out to be my Jungian Personality archetype is the Consul, ESFJ-A.

Hence, I don’t have any profound philosophical answers for the moment: I strive for more because I enjoy it.

I think I’m doing it right seen that the ultimate purpose o life is to enjoy it (and expansion)!! 

[Diane]

About this week

 

My highlight of the week:

The importance of letting go. When I let go of my attachment to desire and I just fully experience the present moment, that’s when magic happens.

It was like that for my promotion at work and also with the Valentine’s Day guy, the moment I made peace with the possibility of him never reaching out to me again he wrote me and now we have fixed the second date and are back to being two birds in love. It’s sooo beautiful!!   I can definitely relate with the studies saying that when people fall in love, they have a temporary cognitive impairment. I have to force myself to function and do the other things I have to do but I motivate myself saying “I’ll do this and then I can check if he has answered”. Fortunately, he tends to wake up very late in the morning too. 

 

My lowlight/learning:

Not living intentionally. Time flies by when I don’t live intentionally, and I end up not doing the things I want to do when I want to.

 

My focus for next week:

Clarifying my finances (it will be the focus of March, I let go of the book The Game of Desire for the moment) and catching up with papers.

[Diane]

 Note to Self

I am perfect s I am. 

I have always been.

And I will always be.

Edited February 28, 2022 by Diane

[Diane]

The End

This is my last post in this journal. 

I decided that "becoming a healer" no longer represents my journey: I'm more into healing myself and becoming more me right now.

Also, in a way I already am a healer as I am a doctor so it's not something I really need to become anyway.. 

See you in the new journal!!