Illusion of 'safety' in relationships

[ADD]

Hi!

I've noticed that when i'm in relationship i feel i get some sort of safety from the other person. Then when i want to seperate, i get thoughts like; "then there will be no one to support me if i get seriously ill", "i wont make that 'x thing' by myself". At the sametime i realize these are just fictious fears and i know that we are all going to die alone anyways. So i was wondering how many people are married or in relationships just for the safe feeling?

I feel my relationships always start fantastic, then after some time it turns ugly. It starts to tear me down more than give me anything positive. The feeling of safety is the one thing that remains. When i'm single, i'm happy way more often. Could it be i'm not meant to be in relationships at this stage of my life or am i just being irresponsible mother fucker?

I must not be the only one having hard time in relationships but am i the only one who feels they are better off alone?

[Charlotte]

26 minutes ago, ADD said:

Hi!

I've noticed that when i'm in relationship i feel i get some sort of safety from the other person. Then when i want to seperate, i get thoughts like; "then there will be no one to support me if i get seriously ill", "i wont make that 'x thing' by myself". At the sametime i realize these are just fictious fears and i know that we are all going to die alone anyways. So i was wondering how many people are married or in relationships just for the safe feeling?

I feel my relationships always start fantastic, then after some time it turns ugly. It starts to tear me down more than give me anything positive. The feeling of safety is the one thing that remains. When i'm single, i'm happy way more often. Could it be i'm not meant to be in relationships at this stage of my life or am i just being irresponsible mother fucker?

I must not be the only one having hard time in relationships but am i the only one who feels they are better off alone?

I literally could of wrote this!! It's creepy to read. 

Your right, it is a false sense of security and yes I believe many people stay in relationships because of this reason, wether it be financial security or whatever. 

Basically, like me, I'm reading this as you get into relationships for the wrong reasons (up to you to find that reason) and then as you progress into the relationship you start to slowly feel and realise that your not happy? Why? Because you got into the relationship for the wrong reasons in the first place, the illusion drop's away. 

I got into my current relationship for the wrong reasons and everyday I live with this, let's call it a 'gut feeling', it tears the relationship down. Like you, I crave to be alone BUT I don't know what I am feeling is true or not, I don't know if what I am feeling is just another illusion. 

I guess a lot of contemplating on this issue would be a good start for you?

I hope your able to work things out for YOU ♥️ *hugs*

[ADD]

@Charlotte

Good to hear i'm not the only one! I recently broke off from my disfunctional relationship. It's amazing how relationship with so caring and loving person as my ex is, can turn to so needy, controlling and ugly. It's like i started to feel i'm not in control of my own life anymore. Now that i'm single again, i feel it's easier to breath, like a heavy stone was lifted off my chest. This is because deep down i know this is better for us both. But on weak moments i get these fears like "i made a mistake, she was loving me so much" "i can't make it without her" etc.

[taleen]

My opinion is that the peace inside you should be built without incounting your partner at allllll, they should be an addition not a base, and that can be set even during the relationship "i have experienced that", can be so painfull but can happen.

Also you should know exactly what you need your partner for, and that should not be at something vital for your servival, and this point prevents you from getting emotional easily.

I do not mean to act as an expert, am still learning.

[aurum]

@ADD

You got a couple different questions going on here so I'll hit them one at a time.

34 minutes ago, ADD said:

So i was wondering how many people are married or in relationships just for the safe feeling?

Personally, the answer is zero.

Everyone wants to feel safe, including me. And women can bring amazing things to a relationship.

But because I understand gender dynamics, I know a relationship is not where I should be looking to get that need met.

Safe is how I want her to feel when she's around me. If she's saying things like "baby you make me feel so safe", that's perfect.

My safety is irrelevant. I could get hit by a train tomorrow and not give a fuck.

And it's not because women aren't capable of taking care of you, themselves or whatever misogynistic things people want to say. It's because that perspective helps preserve the masculine / feminine dynamic.

She has to feel a bit like you are this sturdy pillar she can lean on. And no, you don't get to do the same. Sorry.

57 minutes ago, ADD said:

I feel my relationships always start fantastic, then after some time it turns ugly. It starts to tear me down more than give me anything positive. The feeling of safety is the one thing that remains. When i'm single, i'm happy way more often.

Welcome to most in relationships. They're incredibly challenging and most people have no idea what they are doing.

You're basically talking about the honeymoon phase. Everything is new and exciting and everyone's needs are getting met. But as soon as those needs stop getting met and the novelty wears off, things change real fast.

I'm with you man. If it was only a choice between what you described and being single, being single is 1000x better. But what I believe is that it doesn't have to be like that.

It starts with you though. You handling your own emotional needs and becoming an independent person. And then being crystal clear on what kind of girl / relationship you truly want.

Without both those pieces, you're gonna fuck up. You need to handle your shit so that you can be that "pillar" I was talking about earlier before and attract a high quality girl. You need to know exactly what kind of girl / relationship you want because great people with a bad strategy is still a recipe for disaster.

If you do that, I truly believe you can have a great relationship.

1 hour ago, ADD said:

Could it be i'm not meant to be in relationships at this stage of my life or am i just being irresponsible mother fucker?

I don't at all think you're irresponsible.

It's possible it's just a phase. I went through a phase where I was single for like five years while working hard on cold approach, and that was a great decision. All I would say is don't feel pressured into one because you feel like it's what you "have" to do.

[Spiral]

Alternatively you can derive safety from friends and family. If you lack proper friendship you kind of become dependent on  your partner and that’s not good.

Preferably you don’t want to be dependent on other at all but your partner is especially bad.  

Edited February 24, 2018 by Spiral

[ADD]

Thank you guys. Good insights, much appreciated.

I've kinda grown apart from my old friends because our friendship has been so shallow and it's hard to deepen it because they don't want to discuss emotional stuff. I have lots of friends but none of them is very proper emotional friendship. So i was dependent on my partner cause she was the only one i could discuss about anything with. Now i would like to be not dependent of anyone.

[YaNanNallari]

You're allowed to feel safe without being in a relationship. You can do an affirmation for it, for example "I always feel safe and secure"

[Nahm]

@ADD What do you give? 

Focusing on what you get will let you down.  Read on self reliance and emotionable responsibility. When you are in a relationship that you want, but don’t need - to be whole, to be happy -  bit of a full circle happens and that relationship will be better than you could ever imagine. 

[Shin]

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@ADD What do you give? 

Focusing on what you get will let you down.  Read on self reliance and emotionable responsibility. When you are in a relationship that you want, but don’t need - to be whole, to be happy -  bit of a full circle happens and that relationship will be better than you could ever imagine. 

?

[Nahm]

@Shin thanks. 

It’s just how love is, no? We can roll the dice and get it sometimes, but if you give it, you feel it every time.  

[Shin]

1 minute ago, Nahm said:

@Shin thanks. 

It’s just how love is, no? We can roll the dice and get it sometimes, but if you give it, you feel it every time.  

 

?

[Ether]

@Shin

 

my dude noah