Journal of how I feel

[Robert]

This journal will be about how I feel. In this journal I don't claim to say any of this is what I am, I just want to write about how I feel right now.

Right now I feel like giving up on my life purpose. I'll never accomplish anything. Everyone else is right. Why do I even try? Why do I even fucking bother? Impacting the world? Yeah fucking right, lmao.

[Robert]

I try to avoid talking about my life purpose to everyone, but every time it comes up in a conversation where, for example, someone asks me about my future, I kinda tell them a little about my life purpose and then they always give me these fucking stupid ass reactions. I know they view me as a failure already.

But maybe I'm the stupid one. Maybe I really am wasting my fucking time.

[Robert]

Right now I feel like I'm back to normal. I just finished crying, so I'm good. Sometimes you need to just let stuff out.

I feel like I'm back to normal, but I also feel confident.

I need to train more. I need to transform myself. I know I can do it.

[taleen]

I really don't know how to gelp you.

But i like that you are simply expressing yourself.

[Shin]

Don't listen to anyone about what you can and can't do.

Not even yourself.

If those people don't stop putting you down, cut them from your life, that's a good sign they aren't supposed to be in your life anymore.

You can literally become evrything you want ...

Just imagine it again and again ...

Edited February 22, 2018 by Shin

[Robert]

@taleen Thanks for caring. 

@Shin Thanks for the support, Shin. I agree with you about imagining. It's important. And I was thinking just earlier today that I need to visualize more.

I don't have toxic people in my life, really. It's just different people that I meet / interact with, such as acquaintances and stuff like that who get in my way. But I know I must overcome this.

Again, thanks guys!

 

[Robert]

Right now I don't feel good. I don't feel bad, but I just don't feel good. I don't feel as good as I'm suppose to feel, or how I know I CAN feel.

I wanna feel more peace, happiness, joy, and calmness. I also wanna feel amazing in my mind and body.

It's easy to reach higher consciousness states. I reach so many amazing states. The hard part is making them permanent. I make a lot of progress and experience amazing fucking things, but nothing is permanent. I always go back to how I was before. How do I solve this? I don't know. I know I can find out, but that takes forever. I always research stuff, contemplate, etc., but the shit takes fucking forever. I don't want my life to be researching 24/7.

My life is all work, work, work. Get money just to live and then more personal development. This needs to change. I need to make more space to just relax. The only problem is that in order to relax properly and figure myself out I have to spend so much time learning just to do it. I can't wait until the day that I master myself. It will be amazing. I will actually feel good.

[Robert]

My life is already pretty empty and minimal but I'm gonna have to empty it more. I'm gonna have to cut off so much more stuff and slow down the pace of my life purpose by like 75%, I think. Idk, we'll see.

I'm starting to get excited.

[taleen]

Good luck

[Robert]

@taleen Thank you! 

[Robert]

Right now I'm lost and confused. This hasn't happened to me in so long. I remember when Leo came out with a video "How To Deal With Confusion" or something like that, and the techniques actually worked for me. Any time I became confused after watching that video I would be able to deal with it. I would admit that I'm confused and then take care of my mind problems. But recently I just couldn't do it as easily as I did before. I've been staying confused.

As for being lost, ever since I completed Leo's life purpose course and been doing personal dev for a while, I haven't felt lost in life at all for the most part. There were some things I still wasn't succeeding at, but I never felt really lost like I'm running through a maze/forest and can't find my way out. Right now that's happening. It's so weird... I thought I was doing good.

I'm just gonna continue emptying my life. Empty as much as I can.

 

[Robert]

Okay, I'm seriously considering giving up on my life purpose altogether. I'm about to take it out of my mind altogether and just do nothing for the rest of my life. After all the work I've done already, all the planning, visualizing, dreaming about it, telling some people I would do it, reading, note taking, taking the life purpose course. After ALL OF THAT. I'm about to just give up on it.

Life is so short. It's just too much work. I don't know.

I might take a week or so and just think about it then make my permanent decision. Maybe I will update this journal when I make a true decision.

[Aquarius]

You just need a stronger vision. Also try accepting your feelings, everything is how it should be. Just do what feels right to you, even if it's not something you would hear from, say, a zen master or whatever. Be our own master and live by your own terms. Create your own life and live it by your own rules. Follow your heart. Good luck to you! 

[Robert]

@Aquarius That might be true, I probably need a stronger vision. I've been wanting to update my vision for a while now, too. It's been a long time since I've done that. I need to get on it!

And thanks for the other advice. There's no reason why I should do what doesn't feel right. I need to accept, and stop beating myself up. Thank you so much! 

[Robert]

Right now I still feel lost and confused. It's like I've been running through a maze, going in circles and not finding a way out, and now I just want to sit against a wall and give up. It's like I've been hacking through the woods and I'm out of energy now. I'm considering just staying where I am and letting the wolves eat me. Forget getting shelter.

I realized the other day that I'm going through my next existential crisis. This hasn't happened since my Dark Night Of The Soul 3 years ago. I don't know what the result of this will be. I know it will grow me, that's obvious. But I don't know what's gonna happen. We'll see.

[Robert]

Right now I feel uncertain. I see people doing amazing things and it's extremely inspiring. I get inspired when I see other people do amazing things, whether it's an artist, musician, athlete, scholar, enlightened being, or anything else. I see it and it inspires me, but right now I have a hard time believing that I can accomplish what I want. Maybe I really can't. Maybe I just have to peacefully accept this. It would be completely okay if that was the case. I would seriously not be angry, I just want the truth.

I was given great advice by people who posted in this journal: "imagine, imagine" "have a stronger vision." But I've been doing that for years and I'm still not where I want to be. I'm just not doing good right now.

I have no problem staying where I am. I just don't want to waste time trying if I really can't do what I want to do.

So I want to make a true decision. I want to either give up completely on my life purpose or I want to go forward and never doubt myself ever again.

I'm sick and tired of the doubt. I don't want to doubt at all. I want to be able to believe in myself regardless of what's happening to me.

Leo said in his life purpose course that the hero's life purpose journey feels like you're hacking through the woods. It's not all fun and games like you expect when you first start. When I first started I expected my life purpose to be constantly exciting. Leo and George Leonard are so right when they say constant excitement isn't the master's path.

Which road do I take? Do I just give up and stop all this struggle? Or do put in all the effort I've got, permanently? I don't know, we'll see.

My life is empty right now so I have time to contemplate a lot more, so I will update this journal when I make a true decision. I need to really decide and never look back.

[Robert]

Another huge insight I had recently was that I'm so confused because I DO NOT want to admit that I'm confused. And also I don't understand enough about life.

I thought I knew what I wanted and I had my life completely figured out. But I don't.

[Robert]

In my above posts I wrote about how I might give up on my life purpose. About that...

I don't think it's possible for me to do that. I mean, it's definitely possible, but at the same time my life purpose is something that I'm being pulled to do. Even before I got into personal development, before I watched a single video of Leo, I had a life purpose. I had a mission, ever since I was 16 years old.

So, with that being said, I don't think giving up on my life purpose would serve me at all.

But at the same time, I've been doing some visualizing within the past week. Not the visualizing of my life purpose being realized like I usually do, but instead the visualizing of what my life would be like if I gave up on my life purpose. I've literally been visualizing what my life would be like if I didn't have a life purpose. And it's funny, because my life purpose is such a big part of my identity, my ego, that it's hard for me to imagine myself without a life purpose. It's crazy to me. But what's even funnier is that when I visualized myself without a life purpose it felt like such a huge weight was lifted off my back. If I didn't have a life purpose I would be able to relax so much more it's ridiculous. Instead of doing all that life purpose work, trying to improve the world, I could just be a normal person. Still a spiritual seeker, but aside from that, a normal person who doesn't want much success. Life would be soooooooooo much easier. I could work a 9-5 job and then go home and just meditate and raise my consciousness not really have to worry about anything.

However, I think trying to quit on my life purpose would be a trap. You can still raise consciousness while working hard on a life purpose. It's possible. Plus, I'm already at too high a stage of consciousness to give up. I care too much about others. I NEED to help as many of God's creatures as possible. I can't just sit down and do nothing.

Aside from that, I'm still thinking over what to do with my life. I thought I knew before, but I didn't, so I will continue to think about it. And maybe I will update this journal another day with the results of my contemplation.

[Robert]

I'm excited. Soon I will make a permanent decision on who/what I plan to become. I have many options, many opportunities, but I know I will not become anything great unless I dream big. I also need to be decisive. I can't stop 5 years later just because my vision didn't manifest. I need to be able to be infinitely patient and push forward until I either succeed or lose consciousness.

I'll update this another day.

[Robert]

I only have one chance to have my impact. Just one. I'm 22 years old right now and time is passing. In 20 more years, I will be somewhere, but where? Will my vision come true? I don't know. My vision is really big.

I'm currently planning out how I will make my impact. I've been planning for years, but for the past few days I've really been putting stuff together, so soon I will have a solid and specific plan for what I will do with my life purpose. It's pretty exciting, I'm not gonna lie.

On one hand, I hate that I have to compete against people for everything, but on the other hand, I really want my vision to come true. I want everyone to be happy, and I want everyone to love each other. But it seems like I will have no choice but to play this game of life, competing with so many people. And I know these people are hungry; hungry for money, hungry for power, etc. Hungry for all of the wrong things. They don't know better, sadly.

What is a saint? I mean a true saint. Would someone who was that close with Source be doing what I'm doing now? Would they just stay in one spot or would they play the game? I still don't know.

I will continue to contemplate.