Accepting vs Rejecting Yourself

[GrowingUp]

Today - I noticed that I "felt bad". I found myself really pushed to distract myself from the weird negative feeling... the heaviness in my head... with gum, food, social media, Red Bull.

Then I stopped and did a "thought download". I just wrote down every thought swirling around in my head. And it was pretty ugly stuff. "I'm not good enough. I'm lazy. I don't know enough yet. I'm terrible". The stream of consciousness was really throwing the worst at me.

When the last thought spilled out... "I hate me"... it felt good. All of the nasty stuff inside was there on the page.

And in looking at it, I didn't see self-loathing, I saw fear. I saw "scared". A scared inner voice trying to do what? It seemed like it was trying to protect me.

Protect me from what? The more I looked at what I wrote, the more I realized that all of the thoughts were rejecting me. Rejecting every part of me.

My inner voice was trying to protect me from rejection "out there" in the world (as I launch a new business in a field I'm brand new in)... by rejecting myself first.

My inner voice was rejecting me first... rejecting me in advance... to protect me from outside rejection.

After all, if you say "I'm not good enough" or "You hate me"... well, I beat you to it. I already said that to myself - so the poison of your words really doesn't matter. Or maybe the self-rejection was to get me to stop. As in "You're not good enough. Please stop! If you go out there, it'll be dangerous. You could be rejected. Put on the brakes now and let's not even face the possibility of being rejection. I'm sorry... but I'm doing this for your own good".

Either way, I saw the self-rejection as myself trying to protect me.

And then I fell in love with my self-rejecting voice.

Why?

Because it's part of me. It's a part of me doing what it thinks is best in the moment to help me. Maybe going about it in a wonky way - but it's there, it's working (overtime), and it has a positive intent.

And inside that acceptance of that part of me - it went away. Because I didn't resist it and instead shone a bright light on it and it's intent - it opened up a big space for me to love that part of me, understand the message, and allow it.

Now - it'll probably be back. It's part of me. Just like the part of me that's confident. The part of me that's loving. The part of me that's selfish. The part of me that's so focused on being right. The part of me that feels anxiety all the time. The part of me that's a little too serious. The part of me the that loves fun new experiences.

When I don't label the parts of me as "good" or "bad" and just accept that I'm a whole human being - I can stop running away from myself.

I can stop worrying about how to life hack my way out of feeling bad... or how to turn off that inner voice... or how to be happier all the time.

I simply accept all the parts of me... love all of the parts of me... and let them have their space.

I listen to their real message (not the scared voice) and see that they're all here just trying to help me out.

Nothing to change. Nothing to avoid. Nothing to hate about me.

I'm just me - whole and complete and human.

And now that I've loved on my self-rejecting inner voice, it's had it's chance to let the fearful chatter out - and I'm moving on with my big new project.

If you're having a hard time "deleting" a part of yourself that's frustrating you, maybe it's time to go inside, identity it, see what it wants, and then love it for being part of you. When you love yourself fully and completely - you stop spending so much time trying to become "super human" - and you start creating and growing - even as the different parts of you pop-up from time to time.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're a human being with lots of different parts. Accept it. Accept yourself.

(I know it's hard. After all... C.G. Jung said "The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.")

Just something that helped me today - that may help you, too. 

[egoeimai]

Amazing!  Thank you!  

[Nahm]

@GrowingUp Enjoyed reading that. Thanks!

[Faceless]

Accepting vs Rejecting Yourself

 

both are reactions to what is. Instead of reacting watch, observe, attend, without any attempt of changing anything. The attempt to change what is to what should be will only lead to further confusion, contradiction, conflict. 

Just watch?

[deci belle]

A good point to consider in regard to Faceless' post is taking into account the fact that there is a degree of subtlety in terms of one's followthrough.

I loved your whole process~ excellent, really.

At a certain critical juncture, it is then necessary to suspend further considerations and let it lie void of intellectualism. The amazing thing is that your attention continues to work non-psychologically if given the opportunity to do so in unfathomable ways. It's really up to potential itself— but it's up to the person to recognize it in the first place.

In Buddhist terms, there is "stopping and seeing" or concentration and insight.

Concentration produces insight, but further concentration destroys insight.

In the taoist analogy, there is always the point where (if one goes far enough) one should "withdraw the fire", in alchemic terms.

Potential can be seen to have a life of its own if we are able to sense its operative characteristics, so this is a valuable point that can provide further insight into in everyday situations as well.

[h inandout]

Love this!  Thanks.  I feel like I am swimming in a deep ocean of shadows right now, and there is so much going on, so it's really helpful to read your empowering post.

 

Let me see if I can understand Faceless and Deci Belle in my own terms:  This process is going to be continuing for some time to come.  For now I have realized that I am not my thoughts and I am not my emotions.  In fact, I can channel them and give them space and a voice so that they no longer operate on a subconscious level.  I have no need to identify with these freshly channelled thoughts and no need to act on them, just hold and love them for the brief moment that they hold their tang then swallow and take another bite.  Their instantaneous presence is enough to consider the work complete.  And now there is space for new things to arise, and I can simply do the same process with those things, including for suppressed joyful emotions and thought and ideas.  Perhaps my entire future is one giant suppressed potential, so shall we get going?

 

IDK, am I even on the right track?

[Shin]

20 minutes ago, h inandout said:

Love this!  Thanks.  I feel like I am swimming in a deep ocean of shadows right now, and there is so much going on, so it's really helpful to read your empowering post.

 

Let me see if I can understand Faceless and Deci Belle in my own terms:  This process is going to be continuing for some time to come.  For now I have realized that I am not my thoughts and I am not my emotions.  In fact, I can channel them and give them space and a voice so that they no longer operate on a subconscious level.  I have no need to identify with these freshly channelled thoughts and no need to act on them, just hold and love them for the brief moment that they hold their tang then swallow and take another bite.  Their instantaneous presence is enough to consider the work complete.  And now there is space for new things to arise, and I can simply do the same process with those things, including for suppressed joyful emotions and thought and ideas.  Perhaps my entire future is one giant suppressed potential, so shall we get going?

 

IDK, am I even on the right track?

Yes you are.

[effy]

Miercoles   21:32  21 febrero 
Hello this is samar ,
im 25 years old , so i have been living in this planet earth for a quarter century NOW
its pretty BIG IS it ,when you look at it that way 
but until today  ive been struglling with writing ,every time i pull my pen and initiate the writing work , i felt this mess of ideas in my head then a feelin of nasty disconfort start quickin in my chest as i hold the pen i feel like a defense mechanism is activated that makin me quit as soon as  i formulate the first sentences , 
im thinkin roughly if what  i will write explains really my state
 if MY EYES WILD OPEN gonna be okay to see my deepest FEARS and all my useless daily ruminations TOMMOROW  write down in a piece of paper  
so i ll get back to get lost in MY own head 
Despite my ANXIETY , im gonna start today NOT TOMMOROW 
I SAID NOW.....
sick of this CHILDLICH  game that my mind is playin on me  , 
i feel stucked for 2 years in a ROW , sure there have been UPS and DOWNS 
a rollercoaster of bad emotions kept going full circle 
yeah A VICIOUS CIRCLE 
confusion and uncertainty fools me , i cannot lomger have a clear vision of what my purpose in life is 
i GUESS i never figure it out actually  just randomly  reacted to  whatever experiences  life had offered of me 

i no longer have interest in mechanical engeneering but only 3 semesters LEFT 
I miss the flow state ,
my capacities of concentration are weak noow 
  i know that smokin pots is the number one cause at makes me  feel DIZZY ALL DAY
come on stop listng all your defaults 
shut up little voice 
i love you anyway 

WOW .... i relate to you so much as i start forcing my self to journal
ANY HELP 
SORRY FOR my bad  ENGLISH ,im tryin to get better 
I ACTUALLY MADE IT TROUGHT WRITING THIS COMMENT , baby steps go gog go go

 

[Ether]

On 20/02/2018 at 8:34 PM, Faceless said:

Accepting vs Rejecting Yourself

 

both are reactions to what is. Instead of reacting watch, observe, attend, without any attempt of changing anything. The attempt to change what is to what should be will only lead to further confusion, contradiction, conflict. 

Just watch?

watch with this eyes: ???? hahaha