intuitive writing

[dangerousSnail]

i feel free. now i have lots of free time for a month. i am excited. i hope these unmotivated days are over now.

i have plans. i made myself two inspiring goals.

firstly, finding a group of friends. generally becoming more social and taking up opportunities to be social.

secondly, i want to build one resume project. it should be something like a small bet that leo talks about in the lpc.

i need clear inspiring goals to move outside of this playpen. that should then be like a internal force which is pulling me outside rather effortlessly. then i experience that i am able to change my life on my own. then my self-esteem will grow.

i feel very excited that spring is coming, finally. after all these months of cold and a dead nature.

i now got a meditation bench, half self-made. my posture is now so much better. it makes meditating "fun" again somehow. its easier to sit there for longer periods of time.

[dangerousSnail]

i cant believe that its going to happen tomorrow. these moments when you have been looking forward for something for months and then suddenly it will be there the next day. like a little child looking forward to its birthday or christmas.

uncertainty. nervousness. insecurities. what-if thoughts... are arising.

it could be the best thing ever. or a big disappointment.

[dangerousSnail]

dreams are coming true - i think so. its not easy, but with the right psychological mindset you can do anything...

many exciting opportunities are arising. kind of out of nowhere. where 5 months ago has been utter despair is now a lot of hope.

time is going quickly. soon i will be "waiting" again, but it wont be a waiting anymore, but using time to work on two important areas of my life - relationships and spirituality. on my own pace, fast, depending on my personality type.

my environment - there is a lot of tension. i have too much stuff and its creating lots of unconscious tension - for years now. i finally - with help - have made a big change in my living environment. i ask myself why i havent done it much earlier. i still have too much stuff - but i now slowly will get rid of much of it, so that in the future i will feel more free and at peace at the place that i live and spend most of my time at.

i feel also lots of unconscious tension when i am around people. i constantly look out for "catastrophes" and try to prevent them. when i am around children i am constantly looking after them so that they dont break something or do other unwanted stuff. i need to relax. its tensing me up a lot.

psychedelics are AMAZING...

i want to implement a few morning habits. a few years ago i have been listening to something that zen monks do daily at the zen monastries. they clean every day for 20 minutes or something. it is a set time, and this time is just dedicated for cleaning. it doesnt matter how much they clean or how fast. they just clean in that time - mindfully. the outcome isnt important. only the mindful cleaning is important.
i want to do something like that. spending the first 45 minutes for cleaning stuff. my living environment. my body. ordering my clothes. cleaning away stuff that i dont need. or getting stuff ready so that i can leave later. or helping others or doing something nice for others. i should do that mindfully, without hurry, because this time is only dedicated for mindful cleaning and not for the outcome. this way no tension should come up in my body. 

the books radical honesty and the 5 love languages are a MUST READ for anybody...

there is a lot changing in my environment and in my mind at the moment. its so amazing... all of the sudden. my perspective on live changes a lot at the moment. there are OPPORTUNITIES and i am actually FREEEEE.

[dangerousSnail]

I feel like I have been given a fresh start in life. All of a sudden i have become aware of all the opportunities that are in front of me. i just have to take them. i feel like this is a trap i keep falling into; realizing that i have a fresh start and new opportunities, only to get bored of them within a few weeks. Why does this happen?? its such a waste of time and energy to begin new things and change all the time. i need to commit to mastery. what would happen if i spent decades mastering a few things? it also feels like a trap.

the hours you invest in yourelf and your skills when you are young are the most valuable because they pay back interest for the rest of your life, but since you are young and inexperienced it is difficult to decide where to invest that time. a catch 22.

 

COFFEEEEE

[dangerousSnail]

weird emotions, good emotions, sad emotions...

what is going to happen to me soon? no idea. what emotions will gain the upper hand?

it will be sooo weird.

but i can enjoy the solitude and refill all of my introverted energy reserves. i will have lots and lots and lots of stuff to think about and lots to process.

but soon my work stuff starts again. i will be so busy. lots and lots of work plus handling all of my emotional shit.

well...

hearing that one voice in my head all the time, imagining it...

its weird

"i am gonna be just fine"

[dangerousSnail]

spring is coming

no waiting. i am using my time to develop myself.

why waiting? this is literally a waste of time.

you need to be patient until the great things in life will come. and at some point they might be floating towards you effortlessly.

i am observing the energy within my body. its weird. but cool. very cool to observe it.

"i" am just an extension of this source energy. and i need to direct this energy properly. raise the vibration of this energy. chanell this energy into something greater. then everything might flow effortlessly towards me.

i can see life becoming so great.

[dangerousSnail]

ester hicks and abraham are great!

[dangerousSnail]

too much is happening. all at once. i need time to breath and to reenergize.

[dangerousSnail]

"Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself."

— Jalal ad-Din Rumi

 

...i will become the snow

i am shit. and i will wipe all that shit away. like wiping my ass. well. makes sense to me

lots of shit, lots of tension. but wipe it away. wash it away...

oh god, this one moment boaaah ey

 

i have loooots of work to do. it will become quite stressful. i see my new schedule unfolding. where is my free time gone?? oh well... i will be able to handle that and everything will become peeerfecct. so perfect

i am able to handle anything. i feel strong and capable. spring is coming. no, its already there. lots of challenges are waiting for me this year. and i will master all of them. i am able to do that.

[sarapr]

24 minutes ago, dangerousSnail said:

"Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself."

— Jalal ad-Din Rumi

 

...i will become the snow

i am shit. and i will wipe all that shit away. like wiping my ass. well. makes sense to me

lots of shit, lots of tension. but wipe it away. wash it away...

oh god, this one moment boaaah ey

 

i have loooots of work to do. it will become quite stressful. i see my new schedule unfolding. where is my free time gone?? oh well... i will be able to handle that and everything will become peeerfecct. so perfect

i am able to handle anything. i feel strong and capable. spring is coming. no, its already there. lots of challenges are waiting for me this year. and i will master all of them. i am able to do that.

It made me feel a sparkle in my tummy  

[dangerousSnail]

[dangerousSnail]

 

[dangerousSnail]

walking in nature + neti neti meditation + shamanic breathing -> no self

[dangerousSnail]

so attached to that little voice inside. the spiritual ego doing its thing.

there are high expectations from my ego onto myself. what would people think. what if i dont get my work done? what if i dont get the 100%? what if i dont get x done in time? what if... worst-case secenarios. well, lets make a worst-case asymptotic analyis. what if ego->0 and surrender->infinity. what would be the worst case? i would die. so what? runtime = O(infinity). naaaah, runtime = little-omega(infinity)!

work, work, work, work, work, work. you see me i be work, work, work, work, work, work.

[dangerousSnail]

work work work

unhealthy eating and no exercise

disconnection from myself

disconnection from others

no potential for spiritual growth - thats what it seems like

the 8 hour work day is like a conspiracy against consciousness

oh well

[dangerousSnail]

'cause God loved the world so much...

[dangerousSnail]

humble / humbleness:

• the good quality of not being proud or not believing that you are important
• not proud or arrogant; modest
• having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience

 

mother teresa

 

devotion:

• loyalty and love or care for someone or something
• the act of dedicating something to a cause, enterprise, or activity

 

"one thing must be surrendered in order to gain something else that is desired."

 

forgiveness:

• to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)
• stop feeling resentful towards someone for an offence, flaw, or mistake

 

what if i devote my life towards giving love and diminishing the suffering of others? in an absolutely altruistic way?

with balance and strategically

i have taken so much and never given anything back.

i have made sooooooo many mistakes

i soaked up love and energy of others like a black hole. i caused suffering.

expose my fakeness, my dishonesty, and surrender.

[dangerousSnail]

1.5 years ago i have been a very different person. i got off track with spirituality. where did this lead me?

selfishness is my problem.

selfishness doesnt lead to love. selfishness leads towards misery. wanting to feel superior.

i feel humble. so humble. selfishness kind of gone.

having stopped daily mediation has been a huge mistake.

as well as regular exercise.

im such a fool.

[dangerousSnail]

it feels like an internal fight is over

isnt all of life "just" an internal fight?

the ego fought with itself. about self-honesty.

afterwards it felt like an internal workout has been taken place. the whole day i did nothing physically, just sitting. but i felt like after a physical workout.

 

i havent been getting so much work one in a while in one day, although i have "wasted" my whole morning.

its so draining, but it feels good afterwards.

its such a pain in the ass when its complicated and vague and nothing is working out. and i just sit there, think and think and think, and just dont get anywhere.

well, im done with that task now.

i feel the neurons in my brain making more and more new connections and my brain is evolving every day. at the end of every week there has been a noticable "improvement" in my mental capacities along this certain line of thinking. thats cool to see.

[dangerousSnail]

talking about what i want to do is making me not taking any action because it already feels like i have achieved something by talking about if when in fact i havent achieved anything