Spontaneous Awakening: Overwhelmed

[Ranz Kafka]

Hey Party People!

Tonight while going to bed in a relaxed, sleepy state I randomly searched for that which never changes ....and boooom: I found NOTHING. (No psychedelics involved) Everything fell apart moment by moment, nothing to hold on to. BUT: I could not fully let go. "I am not ready yet, overwhelmed, this is too much at once" ...couldn't really sleep, My heart was beating pretty heavy for a couple of hours, I ve been freezing and shaking time to time.

My question: is there a way to make egodeath at least a tiny bit smoother?...in a lot of books it is reported as more of a gradual process (eg. Science of Enlightenment by Shinzen Young). I'd rather go in steps than in leaps...

Feels like it really hits me way too early, there are soo many fears and questions coming up at once....and I have huge resistance letting go of them, because that probably brings me closer to that black hole again...

Any guidance, any ideas?

 

Thank you so much

___________

Background of my spiritual journey so far:

 

3years daily meditation (0,5h)

3*allad last year...(75/150/300)

 

Last November (2017) I had my first breakthrough dosis (300ug AL-Lad), but in the moment of egodeath unfolding, I opened my eyes and my ego fearfully engaged with my tripsitter. Projecting the feeling of dying onto "reality" it interpreted: Ok, the universe is testing my matureness and the only way to show that is to physically kill myself. I was in an existential crisis with daily flashbacks for a month. With daily yoga (hatha) and bodyscan meditations I got pretty grounded again, but always had a subtle fear of having to kill myself in the back of my mind.

The last 2 weeks I did a lot of releases with the Sedona method. On some personal goals and some random emotions. Yesterday I noticed the fear in the back is much lighter/ maybe even gone. 

[Leo Gura]

@Ranz Kafka That sounds pretty smooth to me.

You have no idea yet what "unsmooth" looks like. Be grateful you got that glimpse at all and carry on the work.

Never forget: this is RADICAL, SERIOUS work. What you experienced is perfectly normal and reasonable.

You ARE going in steps. That was ONE baby step! You've merely scratched the surface so far. A few hairs on the ox's tail, to quote Shinzen Young

[Ether]

Accept your death ahahaha