On The Verge Of Giving Up

[99th_monkey]

"if looks dont matter, how do you pick out pants?" 

 

[abrakamowse]

5 hours ago, 99th_monkey said:

"if looks dont matter, how do you pick out pants?" 

 

Just observe the pants but don't identify with the pants

[99th_monkey]

GRATEFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

[99th_monkey]

hello world

 

 

[99th_monkey]

Another round of yet what seems like agony

more stories of water thats red and washing back and forth

more stories of end it all

less and less me

less and less you

what is this that all seems to appear in front of?

when does it die?

out with a bang?

or a slice?

lose a little more and see whats left

fall over again, and again 

take it or leave it. 

then move until still and listen, 

[99th_monkey]

Hello friend

you make me feel better.

all the big scary things go away

I'm the only big scary guy left.

GIMME ANOTHER

pour it on, i love it!

i cant take it or be it or feel it or live it or love it.

I HATE IT!!!!

gimme more. YOU FUCK!

 

[99th_monkey]

i never heard a shit-fan anology work so beautifully

[99th_monkey]

so. After a night of mental attacks, 

Of being,

Miserable

Misunderstood

Alone

Taken advantage of

No friends

Disconnected 

Depressed

Sad

Unhappy.

A few others I can't remember (go figure). 

Something inside said "when is enough enough?" when is it going to stop? This little beacon of light, this little gift was enough, even in my lonely pathetic sobbing state while doing dishes, to ask, what is feeling these and to be open to what came. 

Guess what came. Me.

But not me. It was the "remembered" me. The me from my story kicking and screaming, the scared little boy who had no friends and no family around to take care of him when he was young and scared and alone, the scared little boy who when he woke at night from a bad dream tried to get comfort from the passed out baby sitter on the floor, the scared little boy who was never alowed to be scared. 

And it donned on me. This is my story. Things are falling away from me by the day. Habits, hobbies, friends, family, my needs and wants, as these meaningless distraction are exposed for what they are. And are dropped, dissattached, and the story gets shorter, I get scared, I get lonely, I get depressed,.... Seemingly. 

At the end of the day im fine. Nothings changed except there's a little more clarity into the emotions that come up and why. When guilt and regret can't get it done something else will try. The beauty of it all is nothing can work if you're vigilant. 

So that was my night last night ?

[99th_monkey]

So. Here I am. Being, and what am I doing? My doing is my doing. Im verbing. Yet pretending to noun-innng. to be an it, so to speak. I Am. Isnt real, there is no I Am. I am nothing, no-thing. Lack of thing, a lack of any ness to lack a thing in. What?! no noun, my me-ness, is an activity, an action, a happening, a happening without a happeninger. There isnt seer and seen, to try to see things "differently" is no different then the way you see them now. 

I Am, yes all of it, and no none of it, and so can you Lol

 

[99th_monkey]

What's to become of the flower seed after full bloom

It does not exist yet is told of its magical transformation 

"You were once a small seed in the dirt" the flower hears.

"You will become a beautiful expression of nature" the seed hears.

Non of this is there reality.

Just stories of others from others,

I am a seed in the dirt, catching water soaked mud and fleeting glimpses of sunlight.

I am a brilliant flower blossom that gets bludgeoned by rain and misses the feeling of soil.

Of all this, who is what and what is not? 

[99th_monkey]

I am something claimed, an appearance after the fact, everything is claimed and used and filtered and Im thought to be the one doing it. Then the thought of being the one doing it is claimed by a thought of the one claiming. 

My gates of perception, are claimed, and called my own. My thoughts are claimed and called my own, my behavior's are claimed and called my own. 

Any change atall, any movement is claimed. And used. Manipulated, changed, mmorphed, how can I exist? Its impossible, how can a separate entity exist after the death I go through every night?. 

I feel like a machine at a machine shop, thinking that it has a choice and perform all duties as it sees fit, when in fact at the end of the day, the switch gets flipped, and the work stops, only to be resume when the switch is flipped again. 

 

The world around me is nothing without a me.  

[99th_monkey]

There's a strange sensation of cognition that is interpertating, but no meaning, . a cup. A dog. A feeling. 

TheMEANING of these interpretation are after, or seemingly spawn from the cognition of the world, 

"My" is one of those meanings. 

Maybe that's where the label Maya comes from lol

"Hey bro, that's my ah...car there yea" 

 

Observing, the labels put on the labels seems to happen in time,

Thing not there, now thing there, its a presupposing that the thing should be there in the first place and it isn't.

How does it get there? Maybe it doesn't. 

Every my label is "after the fact" and never before, but the label itself assumes it is, like there's a sticker on it saying "thank you for purchasing the idea of me before you"

Every experience is observed and then claimed, and the claiming is the content of a thought. 

 

[99th_monkey]

I love you,

I need you 

Please come home 

[99th_monkey]

so I had finally challenged that which I had been putting off and running from for a long time. and, actually  quite convincingly I might add, convinced myself it was something that wasn't worth challenging in the first place.

its painful to admit, but gee I wonder why that is.

ive struggled with alcohol addiction for long time.  like a parasite, it had me convinced it was me for like, forever,  I took these thoughts of drinking and other things as "part of who I am"

its so slippery because we all know (or may not know) why were here, and there was an assumption I could do away with all of it in one fell swoop.... not the case.

see my addiction is part of my body, and while its nice to pretend that a "realization" will wipe that addiction away is nothing but a pure thought.

thoughts and feelings come from the body, and this parasite has convinced the body that its part of it.  and while the content of all this is subject to interpretation, the fact remains that while this is happening its so fucking distracting and loud that it has to be dealt with, by whatever means possible.

so even if this is just a dreamt event, I gotta use dreaming to dream myself out of this event... so to speak.

id appreciate any and all input on this matter,

of everything this is the realist, and I'm feeling the most vulnerable... gotta be a good thing because it also feels so fucking good

[jjer94]

The only way to get out of this is to see through it. Don’t renounce it, see through it. Understand its true value and you won’t need to renounce it; it will just drop from your hands. 

---Tony de Mello

I used this method for my 10+ year video game addiction. Haven't picked up a game since. What I did was I started writing down the benefits I thought I received from video games, and why I thought they were benefits. And then I kept digging deeper and deeper below the surface until I uncovered the roots of my addiction. It's almost always personal.

Here's an example of this in action:

Why do I like playing video games? Because they make me feel good. What part of it makes me feel good? The part when I beat a level, acquire new weapons/armor from loot, gain a skill level, kill an important character, etc. Why does it make me feel good? Because it's an achievement in the game that makes me feel more powerful, and it's more exciting to think that there are more enemies to kill and more loot to acquire. So it's not as much the achievement itself that makes you feel good, but rather the anticipation of making higher achievements? Yes. What happens when you beat the game, acquire the highest level, the best loot, and kill all the enemies? I start a new game so I can get high again chasing more achievement. So in the video game you're always searching for something better: better loot, higher levels, etc. Yes. Do you enjoy the process of playing as much as you do the anticipation of the achievement? No. Then what's the point of playing if you're not having fun all the way through the game? What's the point of chasing after all this loot just for a fleeting cry of victory? Because the video game world makes me feel worthy. Otherwise, in real life, I feel worthless. 

There are many layers to addiction, and writing it all down can help uncover each one of them.

You can also do experiential inquiry into your addiction. Realize that you're chasing after apparent objects, in this case, the inebriated feeling. Get an experiential sense of what "value" or "importance" feels like in your experience. Discover its illusory nature. During that moment where you put importance on alcohol, become aware of how much physical pain occurs when you scramble to fulfill your desire. It may be a good idea to watch Leo's video "Awareness Alone is Curative" for more tips on that. 

Cheers.

[99th_monkey]

Thank you sir, it takes a higher level awareness to get over these addictions, funny part is after the bottles got put down the hands started going for the game controllers. 

I am distracting myself, and trying to escape from "my problems" 

My mental disconnectedness seems to be oozing out and taking shape as distracting addictions, even reading is absorbed into it. 

I do a similar method of inquiring "why?" for urges or thoughts, sometimes they're seemingly coming from outside influences. Sometimes its more subtle thought like "hey the kids are in bed grab a brew, you earned it. " I guess that could be considered seemingly outside influenced as well. 

Day number 3 without a drink is in the books.  

Thank god

Thank you for reading and sharing.

 

Edited August 30, 2016 by 99th_monkey
Wasnt finished

[99th_monkey]

Day 4 in the books, yesterday  was easy and lighter even though there was not much time to sit much, the kids all half orientaion for school, had to go school shopping, took the dog to the park, and hit the gym for the first time in 2 years.

All very nice and healthy distractions. 

Heard from and old friend which was a breathe of fresh air and very grounding,

Today will be the first day of school. The oldest is going to 1st grade and the twins are starting kindergarten.

There's going to be a lot of time alone with the girlfriend today, which we haven't had in 5 years. (Aside from the occasional "date night" or sleepover at grandmas)

I've had these little monkeys right by my side everyday (for the most part) for the better part of almost two years sense I quit working, 

Then tomorrow girlfriend goes back to work... 

The biggest distractions will take a break for a bit and maybe something will come up, maybe not . Im looking forward to it :).

I am missing the shit out of the monkeys though, I might cry a lot today... Or maybe kick something

[99th_monkey]

Day 5. 

Life has quite the sense of humor.

Took the day off from the gym to let the body rest and all 3 vehicles broke down. Nice and busy while the kids were at school,

While I was pulling a driveshaft there was nothing really there, the driveshaft came out and was fixed, seemingly all by itself, and seemingly like I did it.

I wanted to say I did it, but it felt like a lie, so I didn't say that.

Now that everyone is home and there's noise once again ill be able to look ;). 

[Ayla]

13 minutes ago, 99th_monkey said:

 

Now that everyone is home and there's noise once again ill be able to look ;). 

LLLoooooLLLLLllllll

[Ayla]

@99th_monkey  

 

look for what? Can you find anything that you dont know?  

if there seems to be something that you don't know, how is it that you actually know that you don't? 

And.....'what is noise? Can you separate noise from the hearing of the noise? is there any difference or separation? Can you hear a noise that isnt noise? Or if there is noise is there a way for you not to hear it? Isn't it that the hearing and the noise are one single "unit"? and the fact that you are aware of the noise ("you hear it") doesnt it make you the aware (hearing) a single unit with the awareD (noise)? 

And if you are one and the same thing as the noise, how can you be bothered by you?

All the things a thought says, is just a thingy. One thingy based on another thingy. Oh...plus another thought that says thzt you believe the other thoughts.

Can you see all that?