On The Verge Of Giving Up

[99th_monkey]

"I" look and sound exhausted. thats what everyone says. "What's wrong?, Are you ok?" thats what everyone is asking...  Do "I" talk about my walls to a wall? 

thoughts, process, meaning, everything. I I I

I dont want anymore clothes i want to be naked... I dont want anymore thoughts, i want to be free..

let go. just let go. all of it. it all has to go. even the things that "hold you"

I AM a boy with my hand in the soda machine, and trapped in a prison because i cant let go of the can.

[99th_monkey]

i feel the things. i feel the simple things come in. they come in with beautiful intelligence, and they swirl in the thoughts. they get caught up in a vortex that is the only portal to the being. they get lost. forgotten and ignored. fuck........ 

[99th_monkey]

"Hey there you, do you like my mask?" Good bye. Farewell. I am not that. I am not this.

The pain of loss is from the fire of cleansing. Disguised. A ruse. Maya. The name of the dog is Maya

 

 

 

 

[99th_monkey]

ok .. i see the difference.. i see the difference between mind in control and mind controlled. oh boy does it fight, hard fight, like fighting with your child to take a bath, or eat broccoli. its obvious. but you get lost in it. lost in the argument. lost in the fight.  

its all a game. a sick game... like manipulation... twisted manipulation  to survive and be "comfy" 

 i see you there. i see all there. im not you, or you or you. i am that. thats that sees... but thats not all.

drop it ... fucking drop it. all of it. it must go. 

burn it. 

pain is the fire that heals. coteries. disguised by that wish "wont" be healed. why people sleep. 

 Why i want to sleep. i want to drink the Kool-aid. but i cant. 

cant "unsee" 

i love you, deep beautiful you. i love all . but all must go, i dont know what love is. and you going will be the death of me. bring the fire and the water, i will float and not be either. i will fall and i will rise. the dream will end, and i will see. 

to hell and back.. ......bring it on......

[99th_monkey]

 

 

[99th_monkey]

 

[99th_monkey]

 

 

[99th_monkey]

 

Edited March 22, 2016 by 99th_monkey

[99th_monkey]

I AM jack's inconsolable inner child.

[99th_monkey]

Off I go, I'm not doing this anymore, what's done when done? Be it as it may and turn the other cheek. I am,what? No I Am. No Am. No I.

Just a dancing rock? Or a rock at rest? Good night sweet Prince, may the diamonds in the lake take you to oblivion.

 

[Ayla]

7 hours ago, 99th_monkey said:

Off I go,

There's no way to go or not to go. Nowhere. No I. Where does a wave come from? Where does it go? Why is it born? Or is it born? Does it go???? What's its purpose? How would ocean look without waves? Can a wave go where it wants to go? Does it want to... does it not want? When it's gone, is it? When it crashes into another wave, do they form a third wave? Does a wave splashing a rock hurt more than one landing on the sand? 

This theme of giving up is called FEAR! Fear is the way beingness is showing you that you are out of alignment with who you really are. How else would it do it? While you eat in a restaurant enjoying...whatever it is there to enjoy??

Your wound becomes your healing. YOU you real you designed this so that you can come back home to yourself. Your mind goes into fear because it can see the castle dissolving, the castle it put all the energy into for a long time. 

Try to stop a wave from landing.  

 

 

[99th_monkey]

15 hours ago, Ayla said:

 

This theme of giving up is called FEAR! Fear is the way beingness is showing you that you are out of alignment with who you really are. How else would it do it? While you eat in a restaurant enjoying...whatever it is there to enjoy??

Your wound becomes your healing. YOU you real you designed this so that you can come back home to yourself. Your mind goes into fear because it can see the castle dissolving, the castle it put all the energy into for a long time. 

Try to stop a wave from landing.  

 

 

Thank you. perfect. the moment i "lose my prize" I panic, and "buy" the thought that "I lost it" and down to hell i send myself. 

Thank you once again Ayla for holding up the mirror

[Ayla]

@99th_monkey

Anytime 

[99th_monkey]

An important day. Spent a part of the day with my father. He was the embodiment of pure misery. The look on the faces of everyone here, the feelings of disconnect. Like we were putting on a play, an act to entertain ourselves,  God, my poor kids, I wish I could scoop them up and rush off to an island and start over. No wonder why this stuff is so powerful, we've been fed it since birth, Maya's grand palace of illusion, it's incredible. 

But anyway, just wanted to share this little rabbit hole moment while it's fresh

 

 

[99th_monkey]

Shortly after posting this a serious Fucking body purge came, thoughts of "family, friends, girlfriend, kids, everyone " came pouring, in thoughts of shells walking around pretending to be to be that. All I could picture was Peter Ralstons "dancing rock" scenario.  had tears, limbs were Shakey, vomiting and cold sweats. Almost unbearable. 

This is what happens this is purging. This is the walls of my castle cracking and "forcing" me back into deeper rooms as the outer ones crumble. I thank God for the strength to get through it.

 

 

 

[99th_monkey]

If I got hit by a bus today, I would have never lived a day in my Life.

[Steven]

check this one out...

 

 

[99th_monkey]

this bear can read my mind.

[99th_monkey]

so, im nervous to post this here. but i cant sleep. I've come to the conclusion that its time for me to move on. i've seen through my self with some help. I cant say enough how important a guide/s is/are. because of the strength of your illusion you will trip and trap yourself everytime everywhere. 

i'm going to be leaving my family and country. going to Europe. its a MASSIVE massive struggle. and i  wont go into details, but everyone's illusion is different and tailor made for them. and its a ....task.... to really do anything against it. 

im horrified, terrified, completely lost, and i dont care. 

[Steven]

1 hour ago, 99th_monkey said:

going to Europe.

why?