On The Verge Of Giving Up

[99th_monkey]

I see my self in everything. i dont see anything i dont create. i cant give myself up and i dont experience anything that feels genuine. i feel like i am ( and everyone else) is in a box of our own creation. and even a box within a box within a box. I dont see how there is any sort of enlightenment of anything. i've shed parts of me. but everything that comes in seems to be something that im looking at in a mirror,. but i also create the mirror. i'm probably not making sense, but i'm lost. i know theres no "I" to be lost but thats not in my experience at the moment  

i almost wish i could just go back to living conceptually. at least then i had more fun haha

[Anna Skywords]

I'm more intrested in knowing what kind of fun you think conceputual living offered ? If it's more sex....then I'm grabbing your hand and running off into the conceptual sunset with you. !!! 

[99th_monkey]

2 hours ago, Pinocchio said:

Someone explained to me recently that if you see a pimple in the mirror, you can't squeeze it out of the mirror, you have to trace it to the pimple on your own face.

You do create those mirrors, but then what do you do with them?

hahaha i see what you did there. but seriously though, how do i trace it back? that feels like something else i just create 

[99th_monkey]

@Pinocchio

I know the concept of family what is always has been, but i'm not sure how to proceed with my kids. i see me saying things to them and setting rules that i know are not "true" and it drives me crazy. but then i'm making myself crazy by bla bla bla bla bla... you know what i mean. i feel like a dog trying to do calculus, as leo put  it some time ago.

 

@Anna Skywords easy girl. 

[Anna Skywords]

Yeah I get a little free when I write. No harm done I hope

[Ayla]

8 hours ago, 99th_monkey said:

I know the concept of family what is always has been, but i'm not sure how to proceed with my kids. i see me saying things to them and setting rules that i know are not "true" and it drives me crazy. but then i'm making myself crazy by bla bla bla bla bla... you know what i mean. i feel like a dog trying to do calculus, as leo put  it some time ago.

 

Concepts are seen. Chose other concepts to deal with that concept. 

BUT you need to become VERY clear of who (the heck :P) is the chooser ! 

 

 

[Ayla]

12 hours ago, 99th_monkey said:

I see my self in everything. i dont see anything i dont create. i cant give myself up and i dont experience anything that feels genuine. i feel like i am ( and everyone else) is in a box of our own creation. and even a box within a box within a box. I dont see how there is any sort of enlightenment of anything. i've shed parts of me. but everything that comes in seems to be something that im looking at in a mirror,. but i also create the mirror. i'm probably not making sense, but i'm lost. i know theres no "I" to be lost but thats not in my experience at the moment  

i almost wish i could just go back to living conceptually. at least then i had more fun haha

After the initial "seeing", there's always some kind of a penduling back and forth, like a baby starting to walk. This too has to be seen as coming and going and discarded as it not being you. 

You're on the right track. These are just fears and trauma coming up. It is not you. Also, no external changes are necessary now. Just keep with what comes. That is also Grace, nothing is ever out of it.

[99th_monkey]

so all the doubt is just a way

1 hour ago, Pinocchio said:

So trying to squeeze the pimple out of the mirror, means trying to find solutions outside of yourself or with that crazy mind. Tracing the pimple back to your own face means sitting with that feeling, the somatic component in your body, keeping attentive to that while not letting the mind fool you with its interpretations etc. and while not letting subconscious avoidance patterns trick you into abandoning this effort.

So simply sitting with that feeling and letting it do its thing, until it's ready to leave. That's how you free that energy and heal that trigger. If you do this right and you take the time for it, you'll see that next time in a similar circumstance there will be nothing to trigger anymore

 

am i totally tricked by this deep feeling of doubt and insecurity ? It's like im in a deep fear that im wasting my time. so i see what your saying.

50 minutes ago, Ayla said:

After the initial "seeing", there's always some kind of a penduling back and forth, like a baby starting to walk. This too has to be seen as coming and going and discarded as it not being you. 

 

I've always said that to myself, but forget in the experience of it.

[Ayla]

Just now, 99th_monkey said:

I've always said that to myself, but forget in the experience of it.

There's no forgetting. Mind is tricking you

 

[99th_monkey]

 

 

 

Breathe And sit....... or sit down and shut up

[99th_monkey]

Right at the end when he mentioned what someone had said "I don't want anymore clothes, I don't want more thoughts, I want to be naked and un-associated" I instantly had to watch it again because I Said the same words (more or less) yesterday.

[Ayla]

12 hours ago, 99th_monkey said:

It's like im in a deep fear that im wasting my time.

MY time... ?

Mind is trying to get you back to sleep. I know it seems difficult, but all these insecurities, are just thoughts. There are still some that try to sneak in into this body! Just thoughts coming and going. Detach. Discard. 

[99th_monkey]

if i close my eyes and shut my ears(?) stand perfectly still with nothing on, smell no smells and taste. what notices what?  what sees the thought images and sounds?  what sees the memories and the feelings, what notices the projections into the future and the ideas about what should be? what?

[99th_monkey]

when i open my eyes and ears. put on clothing and dine at a fine restaurant with an interactive waitstaff. smell the smells and taste the tastes ..... what notices that? what notices the notice of that?

[Ludwig]

@99th_monkey Is there an "ear" to be shut? An "eye" to open? A "smell" to notice?

[99th_monkey]

its a perception. just a window. not the world. or a mirror. or a movie screen. ... so humble to carry the world to me while staying the same and never changing. places the world on it to barely ever get noticed. passive, non judgmental and perfectly clear with no blemish.

[99th_monkey]

there is a pull. and there is a stationary. ...   what is  the  force that keeps a barnacle to its rock? what is the force that pulls it away?

[99th_monkey]

fuck......................

[99th_monkey]

 

"I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom."

[Ayla]

@99th_monkey