LP - thinking out loud, tips wellcome

[Elisabeth]

Tl;dr: Just the bolded parts. 

So I'm in that awkward place in life where I'm doing a PhD on a subject I don't care about all that much and I'm trying to figure out if I should quit or not. I'm 28.

In high-school, I did math-competitions and was a guide at an observatory in my free time. I wasn't the best at either but I'd say it was still my authentic passion.  I'm pretty sure that if I took the life-purpose course back then I would have gotten theoretical physics (or astronomy or math) as my LP, and that's what I ended up studying. 

My studies were not a smooth ride. I wasn't able to handle the amount of work university demanded, in my first year I was diagnosed with depression, I took a year longer to complete my bachelor's and a further half a year longer to complete my master's. At bachelor's I was average, at master's, I was way below average. I did my master thesis in general relativity, which was pretty cool, but I realized that a) there's no possibility for application whatsoever, and b) I'm not as good as to be able to push through the tough subjects all the way to the frontiers of today's theoretical development, i.e. I'm not gonna quantize gravity or understand the early universe. It's a field for the chosen few and there are hundreds or thousands of people in the world who are better equipped to work at it than me. 

So for my phd I switched one tier lower. I'm doing quantum theory of transport, meaning I'm computing current flowing through real small components, meaning some of my research might possibly come true in the next generations of supercomputers. Possibly. It's not completely uninteresting, but it's not extremely meaningful to me either. I'm hyper-specializing of course as I have to. But more importantly, I'm experiencing massive amounts of resistance of a kind I can't beat. It's partly due to resisting working a de-facto office job. I have real trouble maintaining any kind of daily routine. Partly I also resist studying the new and hard stuff. I still have to do some exams, I have real trouble making myself study for them. I already experienced this kind of resistance during my master's. 

Also, throughout university, my values and my understanding of myself shifted big time. Introspection and working with emotions, relationships, connection and understanding between people became important to me. To be fair maybe they always were, but since I'm from a very 'rational' family I had no idea how to deal with any of it or how important area of life that was for me. 

Doing physics today feels dry, although I can still deeply appreciate the geometric-like beauty and simplicity of a good model of reality. I really do care for that, but in practice, it's getting lost in the mathematical formalism, or I'm not in touch with it because I have to fiddle with some damn computer technicality. I hate numerical computing and it's not getting better. I rather like the part where I actually get to play around with pencil, paper and equations, but only if it's relatively easy stuff where I can actually make some progress fast. It also feels like maybe my interest in physics has been already satisfied to it's fullest, as I realized it doesn't have all the answers about how reality works and there are other fields of human knowledge too. 

So I think I'd like to quit, but I don't really know what else would suit me better. Sometimes I think I should do something entirely different, more people focused.  Sometimes I think maybe I've just missed my field of physics, or my style of work. I realize it's hard to do science and not compare yourself and feel like shit - the best of the best are always right in your face.

So I'm at this 'bringing it all together' stage of the life-purpose course where people usually post their values and stuff and get told to think for themselves, and I'm going to post it nevertheless. 

Values: 

1. Passion - doing the things I love (unfortunately they seem to change every few years, which is what got me to this place), 
2. Connection - sharing all kinds of intimacy among human beings,
3. Growth - conscioust improvement of abilities and gaining new experience (somewhat afraid of the last bit, hehe),
4. Authentic self-expression (could be called honesty and openness) - not hiding, making place for every part of myself in my life. 

Signature strengths:

1. Judgement, critical thinking and open-mindedness (the ability to analyze, obviously)
2. Capacity to love and be loved (this is my ability to form strong intimate relationships, although hardly with anyone)
3. Forgiveness and mercy (the ability to be non-judgemental and give people a second chance actually came out as my strongest asset on the test, I was really surprised, but it's totally true)

The virtue I want to build my career around: Truth, closely followed by love and simplicity 

My greatest struggle: Depression (not yet totally overcome, not comfortable dealing with it in others), entering a polyamorous relationship (that's a much more positive struggle, it was hard a fuck but I'm having a pretty firm grip of the field now)

My zone of genius: I identified three abilities of mine 

• thinking, analyzing and finding interconnections
• meeting people where they are without judgement, sometimes even resolving conflict
• communicating concepts clearly and concisely (this post doesn't look like it, lol, but that's my confusion not something I understand)

I don't think any of them is particularly unique, but for sure with every one of those I'm in the top one or two percent of people. I wonder if they could be combined into something that's powerful and unique . 

The impact: Well, that one is real tricky. After being stuck for several months, I wrote down: Making discoveries, deepening understanding and communicating ideas that make people's lives better in profound ways. I'd really like to discover or understand and communicate something that makes a real difference, OR promote understanding among people and make a difference that way. But I also have an alternative (admittedly influenced by all I'm going through ), which is: Helping young people to find themselves sooner. 

When I did the exercise about giving a speech, my message was: There is always more to the world than you think there is. 

So as you can see, the scientist is in there, but it's not all there is, so I feel like a huge chunk of my personality has been left out with my career choice. I spent a lot of my free time on a forum dedicated to polyamory, first for my personal problems but later because I really enjoy giving advice there - it takes all of my best abilities: analyzing the situation and picking an important aspect, meeting people where they are and concise communication, while being 'safe' through the distance. So I was thinking if I should switch paths entirely and become some kind of alternative relationship coach, or if I should try to make a difference in social science since these ideas seem to be more needed nowadays than the technical stuff. But it also doesn't feel quite right.

Understanding is the common denominator here. I care about understanding.

Anyway, going through this process is frustrating. If anyone has read all the way through, ideas welcome.

[Nahm]

@Elisabeth I did read through the whole post, and this may sound like it’s coming from left field, but, what is your experience with daily meditation and psychedelics? Have you had ‘breakthroughs’ in terms of your Self, and others? 

[Elisabeth]

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Elisabeth I did read through the whole post, and this may sound like it’s coming from left field, but, what is your experience with daily meditation and psychedelics? Have you had ‘breakthroughs’ in terms of your Self, and others? 

Thank you for the effort of reading that!

No, I haven't had breakthroughs. Not beyond 'oh wow, I can really calm down / experience bliss while sitting still (sometimes)', which certainly was a personal breakthrough for me. I do have a daily meditation practice, but it's just 20 min in the evening + I recently added a breathing exercise in the morning. 

I haven't done psychedelics. I don't know where I would get mushrooms or some milder drug, but to be honest, I haven't searched. It's both the illegality and the riskiness aspect that's holding me back. (Ironically, a bufo alvarius/5-meo ceremony would be legal, but I've been advised on this forum NOT to start with that directly.) But I plan on doing a holotropic breathwork session soon, which should be similar to psychedelics with the breather being somewhat more in control. I already thought that finding my calling could be a good intention for that, but of course I don't know if I can get an answer there or not.

Are you suggesting that one's life purpose cannot be really found without breakthroughs into the nature of self? 

[Elisabeth]

@Serotoninluv What would you tell one of your students if you saw they are not all that passionate about science?

[Nahm]

@Elisabeth

26 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

you suggesting that one's life purpose cannot be really found without breakthroughs into the nature of self? 

Hi, That’s great to hear about the practices. IMO, we can always count on them.        No, I’m not suggesting there’s an only way for anything, that’d take all the fun out of it - and at the same time, looking at values, etc, to help with LP is looking into the nature of ourselves. When I read your values, and zone of genius, along with the rest of what you wrote, a practice I do came to mind, and I am able to do this practice because of the breakthroughs I’ve had with practices and psychedelics. It’s simple in nature, I think of it as zooming in & zooming out. I’m usually aware of how zoomed in, or out, I am, and can do either. I learned about quantum mechanics as an amateur outsider (did not go to school for this, nor work with qm’s). It was a deep interest of mine for many years a while back. My journey of what I am, was preceded by a longer journey of what this reality stuff is. One naturally lead to the other for me. While I was in my ‘learning & qm’s’ years, I was sooo zoomed in, that I didn’t have any bird’s eye view of my life. 

So, of course I’m projecting my experiences on your post, but I have to tell you, I have strong senses very often when I see a someone on the forum for the first time, some kind of foreshadow emotion. I knew a specific few members would be banned soon months ago, the first time I saw their avatar pic, before any comments, and I knew a handful of members would have x,y, & z breakthroughs the first time I saw their avatar pics. I’m not saying I’m psychic at all, as I am at a loss to explain this in any way. It just doesn’t go into words well.  The first time I saw your pic, I experienced a much bigger whatever-we’d-like-to-call-it. Probably the biggest one I’ve experienced. Then I went ahead and commented on your posts a while ago, and it all just came out wrong / weird. Lol. (Sorry) It’s hard to use words to communicate ‘seeing’ something that did not come from words / knowledge / anything someone has said / no prior comments.

ANYWAYS...lol... I used to get so zoomed in, I would lose the big picture of where I wanted to be headed. Sometimes I would be so zoomed out, I had very little inspiration to do anything in the present moment - overwhelmed. Now, I zoom in and out at will, as is beneficial and useful for the moment.

I think you’re consistently very zoomed in, in your work and studies, like using a microscope all the time (feels like overworked, tired, can trigger depression, headaches, tension), but if you used a telescope so to speak, you’d see a bird’s eye view, and you might see how all the pieces fit into the life path you want most. Psychedelics are one hell of a telescope, and you are wise to take the advice of the slower & easier path with them.  It’s not about the trip, it’s about the integration. I have not done DMT, but I’ve done 1g of shrooms, and 8g’s of shrooms, and they are not the same in any way. I “zoomed” out of Nahm, or directly “into” Nahm (same thing really) to the source, or everybody’s favorite word lately, the absolute. This revealed to me that the study of qm’s Is the study of the self, love. If I could give you this perspective from insight, I would have UPS’d it months ago.

Sorry this is so long, having some trouble with brevity. 

So when I read your post, I feel like your values and zone of genius scream - changing people’s lives for the better - “waking people up”. But in the “real world” you ‘ve obviously got a lot invested into your career path, which is science oriented.  So the head is looking for how to do this with work / society, and the heart is looking for how to do this directly with love - simply just the experience of love. 

I should try to make a point here soon. Lol.  I guess the point is, I’ve also had relativity revealed to me. Like, exactly, experientially, right now, how everything that is sensed in my awareness is relative to ‘me’, everywhere I ‘go’. Beyond that it is me, the connecting dots are visible.  I guess the point is, I’m attempting to understand you more, and express I can relate.  Overall, you’re one heck of a thinker (zoomed in stuff), and the practices & psychedelics (zoom out stuff), imo, would very likely be what leads you to a big experience of everything you’ve done in your past, all the learnings, and studies and work, etc - “lining up” or illuminating your way forward, showing you that all the pieces have always been fitting together perfectly, culminating right under your nose, leading to something... kinda, big. I am excited to see what it is. You too I bet. ❤️ I think you’re going to get a ‘glimpse’ of this soon, very outta the blue. 

I don’t know if this was a waste of time for you to read, or if it was helpful. I have a strong feeling there is something big in me, for you, but articulating it is a different matter. It’s as if relativity is an emotional sense too, and a strong one for / to you, though I can’t explain that as much as I would like to be able to. 

One last thing, so much misinformation gets posted on the forum about psychedelics by people who have not even had them. Imagine if you were able to stand behind your physical self, and just watch you go through your day. No burden of effort, or having to do the thinking, solving, etc. Just getting to take it all in. Then imagine you could zoom upward and behind you 20 yards, and now you can also see the relationship relativity between you and each person you interact with. Then zoom out a mile, seeing the “ants” we are, the bigger picture of society, desires, perfection, etc. Then zoom all the way out to see that all of that is like a tiny little dot that what you really are, is just dreaming and looking at. 

Then, eventually, you’re ‘back’ to being Elisabeth again, but now you’ve seen so much more of your ‘person’ and your ‘life’. Upon returning, you feel free, liberated, and that things are generally much easWords can’t communicate any of this. This is a weird, long, atypical post for me. Huge sense / feeling to give you something, without a logical understanding of what it is. Maybe I did. Maybe it’s still forthcoming. Maybe it’s nothing. Who knows. 

[Elisabeth]

Quote

The first time I saw your pic, I experienced a much bigger whatever-we’d-like-to-call-it. Probably the biggest one I’ve experienced. Then I went ahead and commented on your posts a while ago, and it all just came out wrong / weird. Lol. (Sorry) It’s hard to use words to communicate ‘seeing’ something that did not come from words / knowledge / anything someone has said / no prior comments.

I found that post! It was ways to change society , a thread I started and never expanded on. Yeah, I thought you were a weird person (which I don't mind) unable to come down to earth to the appropriate communication level , so I disregarded you. But I did stop to feel a sense of wonder.

This long post of yours is conveying a sense of hopefulness. And something important about zooming out ... you're very right that I have trouble doing that. I have to reread it tomorrow, it's past midnight here already. 

Thank you. 

I've prayed for the insight into my purpose. Then I went and reviewed my course notes and re-phrased my zone of genius and wrote that initial post. I'll pray again. 

P.S. The avatar picture is the default, but now that you've pointed it out, I kinda like it. 

Edited February 19, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Elisabeth]

Quote

I learned about quantum mechanics as an amateur outsider (did not go to school for this, nor work with qm’s). It was a deep interest of mine for many years a while back. My journey of what I am, was preceded by a longer journey of what this reality stuff is. One naturally lead to the other for me. 

I understand what you mean, to some degree at least. From the rationalists' perspective, physics seems to cover the very fundamentals of ... maybe not what the world is, but how the world works. There's an underlying order given by the laws of physics! Understand physics, understand the universe! I believe that's something that attracted me in the first place. As I had to deal with my own psychology (which really only happened later in life for me), I quickly understood that this mechanistic view is of very limited usefulness in the vast world of subjective experience. Lol. 

Quote

While I was in my ‘learning & qm’s’ years, I was sooo zoomed in, that I didn’t have any bird’s eye view of my life. 

I think you’re consistently very zoomed in, in your work and studies, like using a microscope all the time (feels like overworked, tired, can trigger depression, headaches, tension)

Thanks for sharing this. That's accurate.  I struggle with gaining birds-eye view big time, and I do feel overworked despite not doing much actual work. 

How would you describe zoomed-in? Detaile oriented and (perhaps) goal-focused?

I strongly noticed something after reading your post: I did this work of trying to find a LP while ill and and on a weekend, hence out of work, and I got into the mindset of trying to feel the big picture although not quite seeing it. I read your post on Sunday evening and intended to answer on Monday after work, yet I couldn't. I lost all sense of understanding it, and I lost all clues I had for what my vision could be. 

I believe this is due to being very goal-focused due to setting the intention to finish the article I'm writing (is that perhaps part of what you call zoomed in?), also anxious, and tired after work. So I can now better see the mechanics that stopped me from seeing the big picture while at university - it's a life with always a deadline ahead. 

Quote

Overall, you’re one heck of a thinker (zoomed in stuff), and the practices & psychedelics (zoom out stuff), imo, would very likely be what leads you to a big experience of everything you’ve done in your past, all the learnings, and studies and work, etc - “lining up” or illuminating your way forward, showing you that all the pieces have always been fitting together perfectly, culminating right under your nose, leading to something... kinda, big. I am excited to see what it is. You too I bet. ❤️ I think you’re going to get a ‘glimpse’ of this soon, very outta the blue. 

Very hopeful and exiting indeed  

Quote

So when I read your post, I feel like your values and zone of genius scream - changing people’s lives for the better - “waking people up”. But in the “real world” you ‘ve obviously got a lot invested into your career path, which is science oriented.  So the head is looking for how to do this with work / society, and the heart is looking for how to do this directly with love - simply just the experience of love. 

Maybe that's part of my confusion too. I got a glimpse of love/connection clear enough to shuffle my value system (and I'm sure it's gonna stay high up there), but I haven't been able to actualize it much out of my closest relationships. It's related to the struggle to shed the rest of my depression and anxiety, with the self-centeredness that comes with it.  It's a journey for the coming years. 

Quote

 I guess the point is, I’ve also had relativity revealed to me. Like, exactly, experientially, right now, how everything that is sensed in my awareness is relative to ‘me’, everywhere I ‘go’. ...

I don’t know if this was a waste of time for you to read, or if it was helpful. I have a strong feeling there is something big in me, for you, but articulating it is a different matter. It’s as if relativity is an emotional sense too, and a strong one for / to you, though I can’t explain that as much as I would like to be able to. 

I'm confused as to what you call relativity. Do you mean ... and I'm at a loss for words here too ... an experience (and constant sense of) how our perspective, our story, our thoughts, our mind or self color everything we experience and perceive about the world?

Anyway, not a waist of time at all. I have a feeling that the message still has to ripen, you getting more clear, and me getting more ready to listen, so we may speak again in a few months' time. But for now, I feel very cared for.  

edit: @Nahm I didn't tag you. 

Edited February 23, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Nahm]

On 2/21/2018 at 2:50 PM, Elisabeth said:

I understand what you mean, to some degree at least. From the rationalists' perspective, physics seems to cover the very fundamentals of ... maybe not what the world is, but how the world works. There's an underlying order given by the laws of physics! Understand physics, understand the universe! I believe that's something that attracted me in the first place. As I had to deal with my own psychology (which really only happened later in life for me), I quickly understood that this mechanistic view is of very limited usefulness in the vast world of subjective experience. Lol. 

Yes!   One day and ever since, psychology and qm’s are the same,  all ‘me’. 

Thanks for sharing this. That's accurate.  I struggle with gaining birds-eye view big time, and I do feel overworked despite not doing much actual work. 

How would you describe zoomed-in? Detaile oriented and (perhaps) goal-focused?

zoomed in to me is focused on anything in comparison to being completely present by having no personal presence at all, just witnessing without thinking, responding, talking, etc. Zooming out is a practice for me that started 20 years ago with meditation. This will likely sound ridiculous, but now I can zoom out of myself to the universe as in witness it, then out of the universe to the perspective of the being the universe is taking place within. Just sharing honestly. This is a result of decades of practices, lots of learning/mind expansion, and many ‘trips’. 

 

I strongly noticed something after reading your post: I did this work of trying to find a LP while ill and and on a weekend, hence out of work, and I got into the mindset of trying to feel the big picture although not quite seeing it. I read your post on Sunday evening and intended to answer on Monday after work, yet I couldn't. I lost all sense of understanding it, and I lost all clues I had for what my vision could be. 

I believe this is due to being very goal-focused due to setting the intention to finish the article I'm writing (is that perhaps part of what you call zoomed in?), YES. 

also anxious, and tired after work. So I can now better see the mechanics that stopped me from seeing the big picture while at university - it's a life with always a deadline ahead. 

You really nailed it there.  Yes.  Yes. Yes!        All of the tension, ‘axious’, ‘tired’ - (you’re gonna wanna slap my face lol, but...) it’s you doing that. It’s a matter of perspective, because in truth, you’re the only thing here. There is literally nothing else. There is no second thing. There is no assertion, just an illusion of it. You could do everything you do, and more, without any of the tension etc. The practices must come first, how you feel must be the highest priority. It takes a long time, but the progress along the way just feels better and better as you go. I think maybe you just now opened this door.  Trust me, I can relate, I run a multiple businesses, have multiple houses/maintenance, a wife and 3 kids, hobbies, writing a book, practices & fitness every morning, ‘life coaching’ some people, doing 4 hr ‘wake up to what you are’ sessions with people, etc, etc, etc. It really is all perspective, rooted in how I feel right now. I am lucky - I have teachers with me every second, from Leo to Huey Lewis to every “atom” around me. 

Very hopeful and exiting indeed  

Maybe that's part of my confusion too. I got a glimpse of love/connection clear enough to shuffle my value system (and I'm sure it's gonna stay high up there), but I haven't been able to actualize it much out of my closest relationships. It's related to the struggle to shed the rest of my depression and anxiety, with the self-centeredness that comes with it.  It's a journey for the coming years. 

I know I’m coming on strong but....there is only one relationship - you and source. If you perceive other than love, source remains perfect love, if you feel bad, it’s cause you went somewhere that source doesn’t go. It is possible to be in a perpetual state of falling in love. 

I'm confused as to what you call relativity. Do you mean ... and I'm at a loss for words here too ... an experience (and constant sense of) how our perspective, our story, our thoughts, our mind or self color everything we experience and perceive about the world?

Yeah, that’s pretty much what I mean. Everything perceived, IS you. Play the game of connecting the dots. An extreme example....I could drive three states away, go into a gas station bathroom, and if I stare at the toilet paper holder long enough, I can see how it’s relative - every nuance of it is there because it’s contained / produced from my experiences so far. It would otherwise appear to be arbitrary and have nothing to do with me, but it IS me. Lol. 

Anyway, not a waist of time at all. I have a feeling that the message still has to ripen, you getting more clear, and me getting more ready to listen, so we may speak again in a few months' time. But for now, I feel very cared for.  

❤️ Elisabeth, don’t get me started on how cared for you are. One day all that superposition is going to be revealed as infinite love. That entanglement will be revealed as nothing more than how all was you all along. Schrodinger’s cat Is you, neither alive nor dead, but infinite eternal  love, having this sweet adorable “Elisabeth” experience. Gonna take a while, took me a while, hell, Einstein wrote the math articulating relativity, and it took him a while too. A funny thought....we all know love is the most powerful force. We know this. You know this. You can use it, too. It is more powerful than stress, tension, anxiety, depression. The darkness of all the universe can not extinguish a single candle. That is the power of love. It has no rival. 

edit: @Nahm I didn't tag you. 

 

[Elisabeth]

I realized one more thing after letting all this sink in. Some if not all of this pain and struggle in the last year, as well as some of the pressure to change paths, has been releasing the identification with being a scientist. I'm definitely shifting more towards 'physics is what I do' then 'a physicist is who I am'. Interesting mechanism. 

I had a consultation with the holotropic breathwork facilitator today - he insisted to talk to me before the seminar, because of my psychiatric history, insecurity and all. But he said I should come, just to make sure to also have a supportive therapist and enough time for integration. I'm looking forward to it!

@Nahm Thanks again ❤️ 

[Nahm]

@Elisabeth Awesome news! I’m sure it will help.  ❤️ I hear you on disidentifying from the role. That’s really great. Gives us more ‘space’.

[Leo Gura]

@Elisabeth There is no point is entering a field for which you have no passion. It would as silly as entering a marriage when you already know you don't love the person. That cannot possibly end well. And it will affect your mental and physical health. Look, it is already happening. Going through with this PhD will ruin you psychologically.

If you could construct any dream job your imagination could muster, without any limits, what would it be? What would you do if you had zero chance of failing and all the money in the world?

P.S. I quit a 2 year degree in engineering for the same reason: it was too dry. It was a huge relief. That would have been a disaster if I didn't quit, even though I was a straight A student.

P.P.S. Why don't you become a sage and awaken the world? This doesn't have to be complicated Some mushroom or LSD will show you the way.

[Elisabeth]

@Leo Gura Leo, thank you for answering. I must admit I had a serious case of ROFL because it reads so much like "Stop PHD and pop some LSD instead" ;), but I know that's not all you're saying. 

On 10. 3. 2018 at 6:23 AM, Leo Gura said:

@Elisabeth There is no point is entering a field for which you have no passion. It would as silly as entering a marriage when you already know you don't love the person. That cannot possibly end well. And it will affect your mental and physical health. Look, it is already happening. Going through with this PhD will ruin you psychologically.

P.S. I quit a 2 year degree in engineering for the same reason: it was too dry. It was a huge relief. That would have been a disaster if I didn't quit, even though I was a straight A student.

3

I see what you're saying there. Yes, my studies have affected my health, and likely my psychology, in a very negative way. There's no fire, I'm already in my second year of phd, and I actually managed to make the workload less and direct more energy towards selfcare and spirituality. So there's no fire.  Selfcare /healthcare is a sticking point for me, I do have a shitty diet and minimum excercise , but I became more willing to do the changes lately. Thank you for actualized.org, I don't think I would have the inspiration to change otherwise. 

There's a tug of war going on inside me when I see you writing that I have no passion for the field - although I pretty much wrote it above myself, when I see you telling me I feel that's not quite true. Like I do have a love for physics, after all, something has sustained me throughout all these years, and it wasn't just sheer desperation. Yet I've come to accept that I'm not on the right track and a career change is what I must do as soon as possible.

I'm not at a point of just quitting without a plan though. I guess I still have to endure the discomfort of not knowing for a while.

On 10. 3. 2018 at 6:23 AM, Leo Gura said:

If you could construct any dream job your imagination could muster, without any limits, what would it be? What would you do if you had zero chance of failing and all the money in the world?

 

When I read that I thought "I'd still do physics, just the exciting kind, I just wouldn't do it all the time". I imagined the universe. Then I thought off all the technicalities cosmology involves and realized I likely wouldn't do it really. I had the chance, I've already failed that attempt. 

I've started watching your QM video, I may give you feedback later. I guess I did want to become the visionary kind of scientist. Yet I see now that even if I succeeded at that, I would not be happy because it's so distant from people. 

Aside from that, I have real trouble answering that question, even with all the good hints you gave us in the course.

On 10. 3. 2018 at 6:23 AM, Leo Gura said:

P.P.S. Why don't you become a sage and awaken the world? This doesn't have to be complicated Some mushroom or LSD will show you the way.

 

Well, this is the ROFL line  Me... awaken... what?  How do you make a career out of that and not mimic Leo, which wouldn't suit me anyway? Am I going to join the rows of your followers who discovered that their purpose is to "raise consciousness" without really knowing what that means?

I guess IF I take psychedelics (or go deep enough with the holotropic process), we'll talk later. 

Edited March 13, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Key Elements]

@Elisabeth I'm learning something when I read your post. Great post, btw. And, that is resistance. That is probably the thing right now that has to be slowly introduced into my awareness. See, I know what's my next step, and I slowly have to take action on it, and find out to see how it goes for me. I should not think too far into the future. My next step, baby step, is just to make a video of myself on my new phone camera. That's it. It doesn't matter if I make mistakes. I could always learn from them. But, I find myself doing other things during the day and not getting to this -- resistance. Ok, our days are busy. We do other stuff. So, I just played around with it. And, slowly but gradually I'll learn how to use it and post it on my website. You could use the same idea to take your next baby step gradually. 

So, in other words, if I was getting my PhD, and feel reluctant and resistance to do so because I find it not my cup of tea anymore, then, I suppose my next baby step would be making a few phone calls to ppl I know or looking online for opportunities for a job I'm qualified for or interested in. Do I really want to be Dr. Elisabeth?  I would ask myself. Am I trying to prove myself to anyone? Probably not. 

I used to want a PhD when I was growing up. For me, the life purpose is what I really want. I try to make room for that.

[Elisabeth]

@Key Elements  Thank you very much for your kind answer. I have been thinking about it. Is it resistance that's holding me back? Well, for sure I'm resisting a job change / abandoning academia. That's a huge decision for me.

I just realized yesterday that I tell myself how I've got things to lose, but I don't balance it enough with the things to gain. 

However, for the "baby step" approach ... you seem to have a direction. I don't have one. I'm still all over the place with my intentions. During just the past two weeks I've had phases of 

• Let me do a degree in psychology and become a therapist. (No, I don't actually want to be a therapist. I'm about as excited about talking to clients all day long as I'm about sitting in the office all day long. )
• The job's basically right, I do like science, let me just focus more on calculation rather than computer stuff. (Today, again, I feel that's wrong, but I do still believe it sometimes.)
• Maybe I'm missing some other aspect of my life. I'm just gonna have a baby and work from there. (LOL)
• I wanna teach. Let me stick to math and physics, but find some, like, private college, where I can teach basic courses.
• Oh no, let me go teach teenagers at some alternative school where I can have more influence on their personality. (I actually did a search of job offers in education, just to see if I resonate, but not really. )
• Let me do popular lectures on quantum theory. 

And today I'm like

• Gonna go into the PD field after all. Let me listen to Leo (LOL) and awaken people. Let me start a blog. Oh no, actually, let me try starting a PD peer group just to know how some friends deal with that stuff. 

The peer group may be a good idea for it's own sake  (if I can gather the courage), not necessarily to make a career out of it, but I don't expect the drive to work with people to last more than a few days till the mid point of my period comes and I go back into introversion. 

On ‎13‎.‎03‎.‎2018 at 9:28 PM, Key Elements said:

@Elisabeth

So, in other words, if I was getting my PhD, and feel reluctant and resistance to do so because I find it not my cup of tea anymore, then, I suppose my next baby step would be making a few phone calls to ppl I know or looking online for opportunities for a job I'm qualified for or interested in. 

See? I'm having trouble determining what that would be. All of the ideas are nice in the abstract, but when I imagine the real details they don't really make the cut. 

On ‎13‎.‎03‎.‎2018 at 9:28 PM, Key Elements said:

Do I really want to be Dr. Elisabeth?  I would ask myself. Am I trying to prove myself to anyone? Probably not. 

I used to want a PhD when I was growing up. For me, the life purpose is what I really want. I try to make room for that.

I want a life purpose too. I'm doing phd not to get a degree, but because I thought science would be it. I guess it hurts to let go. 

Hm It does read like excuses. But I'm also genuinely confused.  

[Key Elements]

@Elisabeth What you said is interesting!

I bet it's not easy for anyone to find what they really, really want to do. I used to be really stuck too. Here's my journey so far. See, this is not so easy to explain. In life, there is such thing as higher consciousness. Life itself is also higher consciousness, and it invites all of us to live it to the fullest. Did you ever feel like doing something freely without any resistance? And then, once you do that, you discover something? It's like a huge "AH-HA" moment. Then, it really leads to something else, but in the process, you're just going with the flow of life, like a river. And, when it's over, when the river finally meets the ocean, it's free! You feel like you're given a blessing. You feel awakened and learned a lesson. That's how one discovers what to do in life.

Check out this woman's story. 

Life tells us, but then the ego gets in the way.  Question: Where is life pulling you right now? Do that -- if you get what I mean. 

But!

If Dr. Elizabeth is what you're going to become, then that's awesome. Do notice the invitation of life moment by moment.

[Elisabeth]

On 18. 2. 2018 at 2:00 PM, Elisabeth said:

I'm not as good as to be able to push through the tough subjects all the way to the frontiers of today's theoretical development, i.e. I'm not gonna quantize gravity or understand the early universe. It's a field for the chosen few and there are hundreds or thousands of people in the world who are better equipped to work at it than me. 

 

Today I realize I'm still very sad about this. 

I realized that to follow the advice of  @Key Elements (and @Nahm ) I would have to change my metaphysics. A month ago I didn't believe in any kind of universal force with the ability to guide me. But I also saw how my approach of trying to figure everything out fails and makes me miserable. So I was thinking that maybe I could give the other paradigm a try. 

Anyway, what happened is that a month ago I decided to give the thinking about LP a break and focus on work in progress since I had a physics school in Italy and a conference in Turkey planned. Well, that didn't work - the universe hit me hard by 1. bringing back all my relationship doubts (so that I nearly broke up), and 2. with another tonsilitis. So I didn't go for the physics school , and I was ill and depressed for a few weeks, and I lost my meditation and breathing habits/practices I implemented in the months prior. I'm still not quite back on track, my mind is so distracted that when I sit down to meditate I lose the intention within two minutes and just succumb to a random impulse to get up. 

I'm just back from the conference Turkey though, and I did have a presentation (and survived the anxiety). If was an intense week emotionally, the first two days I was watching my utter disinterest in the experiments (superconductivity and magnetism in nanostructures) which were presented, then some theory talks came about, and I flipped a switch to hope. "Yai, math, maybe I do wanna do this." 

My supervisor wants to send me to another school on superconducting electronics since the last one didn't work out. There will be some theory, so far so good, but I still have a hard to explain bad feeling about it. I guess the direction is wrong. I tried to find some more general event to help me do a course correction. But the only one I found is so highly mathematical that it's gonna go over my head, like possibly "I got lost in the second lecture and haven't caught up since" over my head. I felt like going anyway, but my supervisor said no way.

Maybe I should be more assertive in talking to him, but I don't really know how to do that, especially if my argumentation is based on a gut feeling, and his... on my performance. I mean, I can get all excited about a topic but then I don't follow up with the work. I don't grasp things as fast as my former theoretical physics classmates. I know that. Sigh. 

[Nahm]

18 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

just succumb to a random impulse to get up. 

Whatcha afraid of?

[Elisabeth]

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

Whatcha afraid of?

I looked. It's more like riding a wild horse, trying to get rid of me (the intention) in every curve. I think I just don't wanna let go of all the things I'm thinking about. Just sitting and feeling the body as I used to suddenly doesn't feel good because this state of agitated "concentration" has a certain appeal (it is no real concentration at all, but has a certain quality similar to single-pointed focus). As if I'm missing out when I try to bring my mind and body not follow on impulse. 

I also realize that I'm numbing pain a lot of the time. It's more of a feeling of failure and worthlessness than fear. 

[Elisabeth]

2 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

I also saw how my approach of trying to figure everything out fails and makes me miserable. So I was thinking that maybe I could give the other paradigm a try. 

 

 

10 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

 I think I just don't wanna let go of all the things I'm thinking about... As if I'm missing out

 

Ah, it's a backlash, right? 

(Well, could be. Could be one of my manic-depressive-type cycles. Shit, I'm doing it again.)

Edited May 7, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Nahm]

@Elisabeth Just one idiot’s perspective here, might be way off...really not sure....

I know some incredibly smart people, multimillionaires even, and I notice a pattern with high intelligence and ego. As in, they have, over the years, identified with their intelligence. They hold the belief that they are intelligent. As in, they are unaware they are actually infinite intelligence, and the brain is an illusion. The intelligence is not “theirs”, as there of course are no “who’s” in actuality. 

So they don’t meditate. Why would they? Right?       I say they would if they knew where “their” intelligence is coming from. But these are very smart, very busy people I’m talking about. They’re very important people.  They dont have time for this spiritual stuff. They don’t know that meditation is a way to release all their thoughts, to empty their cup, so that the answers - the path - to what they’re seeking can be revealed to them. I am so thankful that I am not this intelligent. 

I was diagnosed manic depressive. Went to therapy couple times a week. Was taking 3 medications daily. Killed my sex drive. I put on 60 pounds. My outlook was grim. Then I started meditating everyday.