LP - thinking out loud, tips wellcome

[Elisabeth]

58 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Elisabeth I notice a pattern with high intelligence and ego. As in, they have, over the years, identified with their intelligence. They hold the belief that they are intelligent. ... I am so thankful that I am not this intelligent. 

 

Lol yeah a lot of us academics are very attached to being smart It's certainly one of my patterns and my self-esteem does hinge on it unhealthily. I've noticed a while ago. I'm not sure that's the most important component of what's going on right now since I've already understood that however intelligent I am (ok you say brain is illusion but I don't buy it yet ) it doesn't help me with emotions or presence or kindness and there are other abilities to cultivate through the spiritual journey, but thank you for reminding me

Edited May 7, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Key Elements]

@Elisabeth Listen, dear, please take a deep breath. You said a mouthful. I get it. I understand. Make sure you understand that you're hardworking, and that's a blessing! Some ppl, for whatever reason, cannot do this--maybe because of some bad habits or overthinking too much or laziness or whatever. In other words, they have a harder time getting out of it.

The way to get out of whatever it is (for anyone), is to realize that we human beings can only live moment by moment. That's it. Whatever the mind projects in the past, or plans for the future, is only a "projection" of the mind. Sure, it's great to plan ahead, but dwelling on it is different. 

If you ever became aware of what you're doing, you can apply this moment by moment living. It's just like watching a movie. It's only one screen at a time. Notice that when you're doing the dishes or some housework, it can't be done by dwelling on the past or future. It only occurs NOW. Did you notice? It occurs now and it adds up. That's the only way it works. You got to empty your thoughts. Just let them pass by like the wind and be more and more aware of the NOW.

I had an empty notebook that I planned to journal in. Instead, what happened was, I started writing in a foreign language. I kept going--didn't care what my thoughts where telling me. I just let them go. One day, the founder of a school hired me as a bilingual teacher. I have a website, a blog, and written a book. I still have a long way to go. But, my path is no different than letting go of thoughts and doing the dishes in the NOW. It adds up to something wonderful. That's the only way it works.

[Nahm]

@Elisabeth Sounds like you’re in tune with it. ?

I know the paradigm, the whole “brains exist or not” thing, I get it. Here’s a thought, for perspective’s sake, that I hope helps you lighten up on yourself even more, and to never feel ill towards that higher intelligence, and make a solid plan for inquiring & discover what it, is. It’s a good ‘thing’. Think about this for a minute:

(Look around where you’re sitting right now and take a deep breathe).

You could drink five grams of shroom tea right now, on this seventh day of May, at 1:09pm. You could do this, right now, if it was your intention, and you have done a little preparation. At 2:09 you’d be begging God for your life, in some manor, likely scared out of your fucking mind from the intensity of full on awareness. You would become hyper aware that you are a living breathing thing which will die one day, and that life is too short, and you realiza you are now dying and pissed the majority of it away. By 3:30, have falsity about reality and your self will have been “purified”, eradicated from your very consciousness. You would know first hand that brains don’t exist, that you are this God you’ve been hearing about, and every single little worry or frustration you ever had in your life would appear hilarious. You would laugh a laugh you can’t even imagine. You would be literally free. By 5:00, you’d be basking in the love that is the fabric of the universe knowing very well that is what you are.

I’m not trying to get you to do psychedelics. I don’t care if you do or not. I’m just offering  a perspective on these things you’re dealing with. 

 

 

[Elisabeth]

@Key Elements @Nahm You are both being incredible. It helps so much to even have a platform to talk about these things and someone to listen. I mean it. 

I did take a deep breath. And I did the imagination exercise. And I calmed down considerably, and then I went home and made myself soup. (Well I also numbed by watching random videos for two hours, but that doesn't sound as much as a happyend ;)) Point is I did stop trying to figure it out for today. I think I'll be able to meditate and sleep now (6 hours shift relative to Nahm, judging on the psychedelic timestamps ;)) Much appreciated. 

Edited May 7, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Azote]

22 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

when I sit down to meditate I lose the intention within two minutes and just succumb to a random impulse to get up. 

I can last for like 10 minutes and then usually burst in tears because of thoughts about all this LP stuff.

How are you doing today?

[Elisabeth]

@Azote Rather numb and inactive. Depressed thoughts are coming up, but they are quickly covered by tiredness.  I suppose it's not a bad thing to feel that way, the travelling has been demanding. 

[Key Elements]

@Elisabeth One other thing that just came into my mind: we can't take anything with us when we finally go. Nothing. If we have possessions, we have to give it up to someone we love, right?

Speaking of giving, it's not easy for a human being to be generous. Think about it. How much materials can we give even if some of us may have a lot? Not much, right? I mean, it won't last. Even if an entrepreneur like Trump invested in an apartment complex and inherit it to his child, it won't last forever, although it's better than nothing, but if the entrepreneur isn't careful, he can spoil the child.  The child may think he may never have to work in his life. In a practical sense, what does last that you can give generously? A skill. Mastery. Think about it. Do you need to get a PhD for it? Not necessarily. Even Mother Teresa was teaching geography to many poor children, and she spoke very little. She showed through her actions.

What do you love to do? How can you turn that into a marketable skill?

[Elisabeth]

On ‎08‎.‎05‎.‎2018 at 2:00 PM, Azote said:

I can last for like 10 minutes and then usually burst in tears because of thoughts about all this LP stuff.

How are you doing today? 

I got way better over the past two weeks. I can sometimes get peaceful with meditation again. For me, meditation Is when I just get present with the body, and "practical" life-purpose thoughts usually don't come up that much. 

I attribute my April depression to the antibiotics for the tonsilitis destroying my gut bacteria (in conjunction with the anxiety of having my first conference talk). I never made that connection before, but it was quite obvious this time. 

Dropped you some material that I'm now looking through in your thread. 

On ‎08‎.‎05‎.‎2018 at 3:47 PM, Key Elements said:

What do you love to do? How can you turn that into a marketable skill?

Well these are the stumbling questions, right? I'm not sure how to answer the "what do you love doing" question. Sometimes it seems like the answer is "nothing". Sometimes I come up with "psychology", or "being present with people". Sometimes it's "physics". I do like the analytical calculations part, and I appreciate the understanding I gained. 

I think I'm gonna put understanding somewhere high up on my values list. I'm increasingly noticing how the notions I learned both during my formal education and from spiritual teachers influence my world-view, my values and my decision-making. I've also known for a long time that I see beauty in the simplicity of an idea and enjoy their interconnectedness. And, my notion of understanding also crucially involves compassion. 

I feel this is a real important hint towards the kind of impact I want to have. If understanding can really change people's lives, I want to build bridges. I could be some sort of educator (although a school teacher in any formal institution doesn't feel right), I could do this by writing scientific papers about my work, I could help find a common language between different fields (be it within science between eg. relativity and condensed matter or on the periphery between science and the public)... or in many other ways. Building bridges feels very right to me, although I feel that a creative element is missing.  

One of the aspects of Leo's work I admire the most is building this bridge between rationality and spirituality. I've benefitted immensely from him doing that, and it's also something I try to do for the people around me when I get the chance - telling my more "rational" friends about do-nothing meditation, denouncing misconceptions about quantum theory with "spiritual" people, and generally providing the opposite point of view to anyone's opinion 'cause I can hold them all ... 

[Key Elements]

18 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

Well these are the stumbling questions, right? I'm not sure how to answer the "what do you love doing" question. Sometimes it seems like the answer is "nothing". Sometimes I come up with "psychology", or "being present with people". Sometimes it's "physics". I do like the analytical calculations part, and I appreciate the understanding I gained. 

Yup. So, let's break it down. These questions were hard for me too, but ppl in general kept referring to them when I told them that I didn't know what to do.

So, the what do I love to do question... hmmm...I thought. I decided that I'm just going to go with one topic that I'm passionate about. I didn't care at first if it's marketable or not. So, I went with art. Ok. It's broad. But, let's narrow it a bit more. How do I narrow this? I went out there and took actions on it. I knew how to make cute baskets with chocolates in them. So, I made and sold them. I think I already had a link for you on that in this thread. It didn't work cause it didn't pay much. So, I did foreign language + art and became a bilingual teacher. In other words, first you start with a broad topic and then you narrow it down by taking actions on your passion. Try to market your passion in some way. If you follow the link above, there is a link to a good book that got me started.

 

 

[Elisabeth]

Today, I decided to take a leave. I sent an email to my boss that I will. We'll be talking about the practicalities sometime soon. I still want to finish my state examination, so that I can come back and have that out of the way, should I decide to. So I'll likely quit in about 3 months.

My plan is to have no plan for a while. That's gonna be a difficult exercise for an ambitious person like myself. Important nevertheless.

Edited November 22, 2018 by Elisabeth

[okulele]

@Elisabeth   Good luck with anything that comes your way

[exhale]

@Elisabeth Is there any possibility of changing your research topic so that you can find something interesting (that you are passionate about), so that you don't have the scrap the last 'x' # of years you've been training?  (I speak from experience, I became disenchanted with my career choice, and was exploring alternative options.  Fortunately, I stumbled across a sub-discipline within my field that I am incredibly passionate about.  It is a shame to throw away those years of training if it isn't needed).

Be strategic.  I always worry about people quitting their careers overnight and subsequently realizing that the logistics of earning income as a "coach" is almost impossible.  Keep exploring your feelings. Try to rekindle your interest in your career.  Measure twice, cut once. 

[Elisabeth]

1 hour ago, exhale said:

@Elisabeth Is there any possibility of changing your research topic so that you can find something interesting (that you are passionate about), so that you don't have the scrap the last 'x' # of years you've been training?  (I speak from experience, I became disenchanted with my career choice, and was exploring alternative options.  Fortunately, I stumbled across a sub-discipline within my field that I am incredibly passionate about.  It is a shame to throw away those years of training if it isn't needed).

Be strategic.  I always worry about people quitting their careers overnight and subsequently realizing that the logistics of earning income as a "coach" is almost impossible.  Keep exploring your feelings. Try to rekindle your interest in your career.  Measure twice, cut once. 

I'm keeping my doors open to come back, I could take a break for 6 or 12 months and than resume study - with no formal problems, although with a substantial financial loss as I'm out of the running grant projects by doing this.

Trouble is, I don't enjoy the day to day work a scientist does, which is not that much a matter of choosing a research topic. Reading articles feels like a drag. Working with computer programs - huge part of all of it - feels impossible. When doing the work of a post woman or a waitress for a few months starts being more appealing than science, you know there's something wrong.

I've explored the world of feelings for quite a bit, but I'm running around in loops, so I feel I lack data and I should gain real world experience. Maybe I wanna teach kids, and travel, and try whatever job I can find just to see what's right and wrong about that.

I'm also fucking tired. I can't find a passion for anything within science - maybe not forever, but for now.

My body is tired too. I just spent a MONTH being ill. I need to do something else than sit in an office for at least one summer, otherwise I'll just fall appart. So in that sense it's an emergency break. The main purpose is to get some rest from striving and see what drive emerges on its own.

I'd be surprised if there is no realistic occupation that's more fun for me than an office job in science, but even if there isn't, knowing that can only help.

But thanks for your experience. I may look into those subfields.

Edited November 24, 2018 by Elisabeth

[exhale]

@Elisabeth I understand and respect your perspective.  Good luck with the next chapter Elisabeth!

[Elisabeth]

Ehm O:) I'm staying after all. I negotiated some free time after my last exam to hopefully help with the tiredness. No idea about my career after the phd, but I'll just finish it. Why? Honestly it was a somewhat desperate decision made while I was down and felt like I could not go on. Now I think I still have some debt in science, in that I haven't tried some stuff that I wanted to try out.