Growing a pair.

[spicy_pickles]

I’m in the process of leaving a bad and abusive relationship that’s about 7 years in the making. 

I am certain there’s a personality disorder on his end. Narcissistic, controlling, gaslighting, etc. 

Of course, this has managed to successfully quash any confidence I had, so because I was never allowed to have a voice or opinion, I lack the courage to leave.

i want to leave. I envision a life without him and I love every second of that thought. I have no problem being alone. I’m excited to start a new life. 

I deserve better. 

The problem is I just lack the courage to stand up and say - I’m leaving. This relationship is done. I’m waiting for either him to leave, or for us to have some big fight again and use that as an excuse to leave. 

I’ve never broken it off with someone. Granted there’s lots of times I should have. I just lack that confidence. 

[Leo Gura]

Just do it.

Stop looking for a trick or shortcut. Just doing it is the shortest path.

Clearly that relationship is long dead.

[Nahm]

@spicy_pickles Pickles!!!! Very shortly after you do it, it won’t seem like as big of a deal as it might now. You don’t even have to say anything or really do anything. You just walk out. Think about only the smallest steps, he at a time.    Could you just say, “runnin up to the 7-11”, or something, and go to a parent or friends house? You’ll surely get better perspective after a night or even just a few hours. Can go get your stuff as needed with a parent, friend, etc, tomorrow, or next day?  You’ve clearly decided. You can totally walk or drive from one place to another. You’ve done it thousands of times before. Keep it simple. 

[Courtney]

@spicy_pickles I was stuck in the exact same type of relationship!  I was with a very manipulative, controlling man.  We were together for 5 years.  I finally left last year.  I walked out and never returned.  The immediate feeling of freedom I felt and relief..... words can’t describe.  Do this now!  I don’t have any regrets in life, but the sooner you leave, the better your life becomes.  Do this now! 

If you want to ever chat more about this you can also personal message me!  I’d LOVE to give any advice/support I can in order to help! 

[Nahm]

@spicy_pickles

https://m.wikihow.com/Get-Out-of-an-Abusive-Relationship

http://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/broken-heart/how-to-get-out-of-an-abusive-relationship

https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

https://www.livestrong.com/article/179800-how-to-get-out-of-an-abusive-relationship-with-no-money/

 

 

[Shin]

Leave him now, then study female/male attraction and some basic psychology to be able to stop those kind of assholes way before they show their true nature.

One of the biggest problem every women have is that they almost never try to be analytical, and ok you don't love that, it feels stupid and boring as a girl I got that.

But at some point you got to make a choice, do I want to get constantly fucked by players and abusing assholes, or do I take total control of my dating world by studying what needs to be studying ?

Is there really a choice here ?

Edited February 18, 2018 by Shin

[Arman]

6 hours ago, spicy_pickles said:

The problem is I just lack the courage to stand up and say - I’m leaving. This relationship is done. I’m waiting for either him to leave, or for us to have some big fight again and use that as an excuse to leave. 

You're still giving him the power!

 

 

 

[Joseph Maynor]

Make a list of pros and cons about staying in and leaving the relationship.  Count the pros and count the cons and add them up.  Look at the two numbers.  Then, disregard the analysis and follow your heart.  But this will get you huge awareness list by making the list.  And awareness is what will give you the sense of knowing what to do.  It will get you off the fence one way or the other.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[Epiphany_Inspired]

 @spicy_pickles, I did it, freedom from that shit is one of the best fucking things in the whole fucking universe!!! 

It can be quite dangerous to leave, be careful and watch out for the reaction (in my case it was obsessional stalking, in other cases it's straight up escalated violence, etc). I had three different transition houses help me with safety/ escape plans. 

Getting over the control is a bit like escaping a cult, there is a lot of brainwashing as you know and it's a tricky recovery....but so worth it...the freedom is sweeter than fresh ripe garden strawberries!!!

My fingers are soooooo crossed that you do not have a child with this person. I wish you the best! Feel free to message me if you want any help, I am so stoked for you and your awesome new life!

Edited February 18, 2018 by Epiphany_Inspired

[Charlotte]

8 hours ago, spicy_pickles said:

I’m in the process of leaving a bad and abusive relationship that’s about 7 years in the making. 

I am certain there’s a personality disorder on his end. Narcissistic, controlling, gaslighting, etc. 

Of course, this has managed to successfully quash any confidence I had, so because I was never allowed to have a voice or opinion, I lack the courage to leave.

i want to leave. I envision a life without him and I love every second of that thought. I have no problem being alone. I’m excited to start a new life. 

I deserve better. 

The problem is I just lack the courage to stand up and say - I’m leaving. This relationship is done. I’m waiting for either him to leave, or for us to have some big fight again and use that as an excuse to leave. 

I’ve never broken it off with someone. Granted there’s lots of times I should have. I just lack that confidence. 

@spicy_pickles that life you envision without him, this new life your excited to start, use this as your guide. 

Believe me when I say I know how hard it is to leave one of these types of toxic addictive relationships, like you, I was a people pleaser so I felt I couldn't just grow a pair and say "I'm leaving" let me tell you, that didn't serve me in anyway positively. 

 

You seem to be at a crossroads in your life where your starting to take back some control, use what you've learnt in your counselling sessions and implement them into the biggest positive life changing decision you'll make. Imagine your life in another year, 2 year's even 3 years with this man, how does it look? Bleak? Don't wait around for the next big fight or for him to leave, your still giving away your control, don't leave it up to someone else. You CAN do it, as Leo says "Just do it", try not to catastrophies things in your head on what it will feel/look like. 

This is your year @spicy_pickles I have the up most faith in you. If you need a handhold or someone to talk to, I'm here for you ♥️.

 

Set YOURSELF Free

[Samra]

@spicy_pickles Don't think twice. Get out of this now. And don't let anything intimidate you. When I was much younger, I was in an abusive relationship too. One time I tried to break up. We ended up in a random park, late night. When I started the conversation about splitting, the dude took out his big pocket knife and started playing with it, meaning I cut you if you break up with me. I was sweating my lady balls out, but I did it anyways, and just started walking away, praying that he won't stab me from back. Mind you, the effin idiot that I was, he managed to lure me back again soon after, cause he was mentally abusive and I was just pathetic and weak. Mental abuse is so much more powerful, dangerous, and hard to navigate than physical abuse. So, leave now. Don't look back.

 

Edited February 18, 2018 by Samra

[WaterfallMachine]

You might want to know about CPTSD - a type of trauma that is not one time like PTSD but often comes from prolonged abuse, especially over the years like you. If you can, get some of Pete Walker's book on the subject or at least visit his free website on the subject. Maybe come visit the forum Out of the Storm for people with similar experiences for help.

It is okay to be angry. Anger is needed in life because it allows us to stand up for ourselves against people who hurt us. When people think of healing, they often think of forgiveness. But people misinterpret forgiveness to mean absolute acceptance for someone doing something horrible. In that case, the problem isn't too much anger, but too little. 

If you can find a way to deeply feel that anger - fully and deeply, you can find the courage to respect your worth. You can practice by thinking angry, and maybe later feeling angry could come as well.

Edited February 18, 2018 by WaterfallMachine

[spicy_pickles]

Thank you all. Honestly, just reading your replies has given me a jolt of power and confidence. I’m being so brutally honest here, it’s like I feel I have so much courage to walk out, to reclaim my power back again. To live MY life. 

Besides, I am completely independent if the good or bad opinions of others!  Let him think I’m a bitch!  Let him think I’m abandoning him and his kids who are so fond of me. Let him think whatever he wants!  I owe him NOTHING, but I owe myself a fuckton more. 

[Shin]

9 minutes ago, spicy_pickles said:

Thank you all. Honestly, just reading your replies has given me a jolt of power and confidence. I’m being so brutally honest here, it’s like I feel I have so much courage to walk out, to reclaim my power back again. To live MY life. 

Besides, I am completely independent if the good or bad opinions of others!  Let him think I’m a bitch!  Let him think I’m abandoning him and his kids who are so fond of me. Let him think whatever he wants!  I owe him NOTHING, but I owe myself a fuckton more. 

So, did you do it ? 

[Charlotte]

4 hours ago, spicy_pickles said:

Let him think I’m a bitch!  Let him think I’m abandoning him and his kids who are so fond of me. Let him think whatever he wants!  I owe him NOTHING, but I owe myself a fuckton more. 

@spicy_pickles

 If you think about it he's done this to himself, he abandoned you a long time ago, he gave you no choice with regards to his children, he's caused HIS suffering himself!! He made this choice when he decided to treat you the way he has.

I don't know where your located but in the UK there are programmes ran for people that have been abused or need help to leave an abusive relationship (safeguarding) or wish to gain knowledge for future potential relationships (to make you aware of early on and what to watch out for) it's called the 'Freedom programme', maybe something like this could be of use to you?

 

Sending you strength and love ♥️

[Markus]

Please get outta there fast. Like Leo said, don't wait for courage or an opportunity, just make this the only option in your mind and do it.

[vibrate]

Open up to someone in your real life who will get you and helps you to do it! Have a girlfriend or sibling or parent help you pack up your stuff.

[Shin]

@spicy_pickles Updates ?

[Sri Ramana Maharshi]

@spicy_pickles It would be great to hear that you managed to leave. It is usually the right thing to do at the outset and in general.

I suffered from several abusive relationships, the first of which was with a girlfriend who was abused by her mother. The way she identified with "love" within her sense of self was feeding off the cathersis from the remorse her mother would feel after beating her and locking her into a closet for while afterward. Her mother would then open up the closet and they would cry together and feel better again. This catalyzed the cycle of abuse, where the only time she felt worthy of love was post-violence and so would pair up with men whom she could provoke. Unfortunately I had problems, like a Severus Snape complex of being picked on as a kid - intellectual, nerd, etc. So I wound up retreating into intellectualism, feeling a contracted ego, etc.

This cycle was easily picked up by my ego over the years and sadly was brought, through my body, to other relationships in the "future". Only after seeing the links of dependant origination in real time (and now in this very arising) do I understand the chain of events that would flag "vulnerability, fear of loss of security/existential flaw moha, etc." and I would go into animal mode and even memory would go, while I lashed out pushing or grappling and victim who had the misfortune of being one of the beings I loved the most.

What is most important in these issues, after ensuring the immediate safety of the transitive "victims", is to understand why a man or a woman would come to a place where they would be appearing to originate abuse to another body in the first place, or at least how this process takes place algorithmically.  At least on a forum such as this. But then I have ventured outside the confines of "growing-a-pair", or well... It takes a big pair to leave an abusive situation, which is also tantamount to emotional security, nesting, etc. But it takes a much bigger pair to look into yourself (no one else can do it for you) and determine what those factors are that trick you into acting out in belief of the defiled thoughts and emotion and gut assumptions that launch these propensities in the first place. My 2 cents.

[Sri Ramana Maharshi]

...and yeah, one of the biggest personal, yes personal reasons for persuing vehicles toward Enlightenment and Transformation was to enumerate and be freed from the suffering of my own abusive human patterns, and in so doing engender the same for the world. It can be done, as some on here seem to be touching, and maybe see way more than "I".