Anger management

[Charlotte]

Okay, here we go...

My partner has an anger issue. Today, I told him he starts to take action to gain some control or I'm off. He agrees.

He doesn't practice consciousness, enlightenment, self actualisation work. 

He does suffer with PTSD and is on the waiting list for EMDR. 

He's asked me to post this on his behalf for any help you guys could possibly offer. 

Any techniques?

Any help? 

Thanks for reading ♥️

 

[Space]

@Charlotte I know in the US MDMA has recently been announced as a breakthrough therapy for PTSD. Not sure how accessible the treatment is in the UK though. Definitely worth reading up of that if you're not familiar already. Even though he might not be willing to meditate, it's worth mentioning that increasing self-awareness through mindfulness meditation would probably help. Might take some time, and its difficult to say how effective it would be, but my guess is that it would help in the long run.

[Shin]

Create a safeword with him.

The safeword means "You're hurting me"

See how it goes, if he loves you it should help at least a little bit (I hope).

 

Everytime he goes into his anger, if you can, just look at him directly in his eyes and say nothing.

[Hardkill]

5 hours ago, Charlotte said:

Okay, here we go...

My partner has an anger issue. Today, I told him he starts to take action to gain some control or I'm off. He agrees.

He doesn't practice consciousness, enlightenment, self actualisation work. 

He does suffer with PTSD and is on the waiting list for EMDR. 

He's asked me to post this on his behalf for any help you guys could possibly offer. 

Any techniques?

Any help? 

Thanks for reading ♥️

 

Does he see a Psychiatrist and Psychologist regularly? 

[Charlotte]

10 hours ago, Space said:

@Charlotte I know in the US MDMA has recently been announced as a breakthrough therapy for PTSD. Not sure how accessible the treatment is in the UK though. Definitely worth reading up of that if you're not familiar already. Even though he might not be willing to meditate, it's worth mentioning that increasing self-awareness through mindfulness meditation would probably help. Might take some time, and its difficult to say how effective it would be, but my guess is that it would help in the long run.

Thanks so much for your response... He is scheduled to start EMDR for his PTSD which apparently has high success rate but thank you for your advice. He seemed interested in mediation for a while but then decided not to, I also agree it would help. To be honest I think he's scared of his own thoughts (traumatic experiences pop up), I've noticed he's constantly looking for mind stimulation, never properly relaxes, I'm guessing this is a learnt behaviour to avoid memories. Thanks for your help @Space

9 hours ago, Shin said:

Create a safeword with him.

The safeword means "You're hurting me"

See how it goes, if he loves you it should help at least a little bit (I hope).

 

Everytime he goes into his anger, if you can, just look at him directly in his eyes and say nothing.

Brilliant idea @Shin !! As always, thanks for your input ♥️

6 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Does he see a Psychiatrist and Psychologist regularly? 

No, but is on the waiting list for EMDR which is Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing just incase you didn't know. It's a type of therapy. It can't come quick enough. 

 

[Shin]

@Charlotte tell me the results plz

[Charlotte]

@Shin certainly ♥️

[John Iverson]

19 hours ago, Charlotte said:

Okay, here we go...

My partner has an anger issue. Today, I told him he starts to take action to gain some control or I'm off. He agrees.

He doesn't practice consciousness, enlightenment, self actualisation work. 

He does suffer with PTSD and is on the waiting list for EMDR. 

He's asked me to post this on his behalf for any help you guys could possibly offer. 

Any techniques?

Any help? 

Thanks for reading ♥️

 

Read the book of Eckhart tolle the power of now... there is a chapter that you and your boyfriend can help each other.. for that matter..

Edited February 18, 2018 by John Iverson

[John Iverson]

He wants to change... but yes he needs help.. he know he is hurting you... he see you are hurting.. but he can't help his self... another option is go to a psychologist... professionals like that can help your boyfriend.. 

Edited February 18, 2018 by John Iverson

[John Iverson]

It is dangerous that we will advice you some actions but in reality in that matter we are not skilled or professionals... i'm a psychology student.. and i took counseling... we have a law that you cannot say an advice.. or say a solution from you or you are the one who will conduct specific actions that me myself it is not my specialty,. So how can we help you? Right? Go to a professionals... because it is PTSD, that is serious... what if we are saying cause a lot more problem?  It leads to trouble now ...

[John Iverson]

Trial and error is not safe... dealing that problem... i hope there is a professional here... not just say do this do that... wtf.. the case of your boyfriend is serious.. so only serious people who also seriously study that matters can also help you... 

[Charlotte]

@John Iverson whilst I appreciate your input and advice, I somehow believe his PTSD and anger issues are separate, so therefore I'm not asking anyone on how to manage his PTSD but his anger. 

Edited February 18, 2018 by Charlotte
Grammar errors

[Nahm]

@Charlotte I’ve been with very close, long time friends who have ptsd and to me the anger is directly linked. It just takes a thought related to the incidents of their past and the anger is triggered. That process could be called ptsd / the triggering of emotions suppressed. I have a friend who was in the military, saw horrific things, killed people, and he was convinced he was fighting the good fight for the good guys, and Christianity was heavily laced into convincing him to moralize what he was being told to do. Many years later, he had ‘glimses’ of how he was convinced, and much emotion suppression that required. It seems, though I have no direct personal experience myself with ptsd, that those emotions need to be allowed to surface. This purifying, I wouldn’t wish upon any human being. But, it’s either spend the remainder of life with suppression, or do ‘the work’ to be liberated. The more one does for themselves, the more results. As much as he possibly can, little changes each day, it would be hard to go wrong with therapy, healthy eating (especially no processed sugar, triggers anger), every morning exercise and then meditation. May take months or a year. If memory serves, you were departing that relationship...? And decided not to? Also, if memory serves, you had some reservations about posting a pic with a smile..? (Not sure) Anyways, beautiful smile, and hats off to you for not just sleeping through all of this. It gets hard before it gets easier, and I really do hope all this works out for YOU. ❤️

[Charlotte]

6 minutes ago, Nahm said:

I’ve been with very close, long time friends who have ptsd and to me the anger is directly linked.

Thank you for bringing this to my attention @Nahm, with my partner, I sometimes feel he uses his PTSD as an excuse for his anger e.g. 

After outburst

Me, "You have to gain some control of this anger?!"

Him, "I'm on the waiting list for therapy, I can't help it"

You see I feel he sometimes uses the PTSD as an escape route, especially since the anger is usually directed at me. 

My thinking is, because someone is mentally ill doesn't mean I'm their verbal punch bag ?

14 minutes ago, Nahm said:

It just takes a thought related to the incidents of their past and the anger is triggered. That process could be called ptsd / the triggering of emotions suppressed

I see where your going with this! I think your absolutely right.

15 minutes ago, Nahm said:

I have a friend who was in the military, saw horrific things, killed people

This is exactly one of his main problems, he was in the military. Seen and done things I can't even imagine. Before he went into the armed forces he also had childhood PTSD from years of abuse from his mother, so it's like PTSD on top of more PTSD. 

17 minutes ago, Nahm said:

It seems, though I have no direct personal experience myself with ptsd, that those emotions need to be allowed to surface. This purifying, I wouldn’t wish upon any human being. But, it’s either spend the remainder of life with suppression, or do ‘the work’ to be liberated.

I see this in him ALL THE TIME! Your spot on @Nahm, I've asked him does he want to be enslaved in his own mind for the rest of his life. The emotions and memories surface from time to time, especially when he's had alcohol or via a nightmare but also they have penetrated deeeeeep within his subconscious, so much that it's warped his version of reality and his perseptions. 

23 minutes ago, Nahm said:

little changes each day, it would be hard to go wrong with therapy, healthy eating (especially no processed sugar, triggers anger), every morning exercise and then meditation.

He's shown interest in meditation but I think he's to afraid to be left alone with his thoughts (he's always looking for mental stimulation). Is there any type of meditation that would be safe enough for him to try? To understand?

26 minutes ago, Nahm said:

If memory serves, you were departing that relationship...? And decided not to? Also, if memory serves, you had some reservations about posting a pic with a smile..? (Not sure) Anyways, beautiful smile, and hats off to you for not just sleeping through all of this. It gets hard before it gets easier, and I really do hope all this works out for YOU. ❤️

Your memory does serve you well Nahm yes ? I did decide not to, I just sat with how I felt at the time and observed, see what came of it, what came of it was that I decided to give it another try. Yep, your also right about the smile, thank you for the compliment! I managed a little little one .

From the bottom of my heart Nahm, thank you for taking the time to write this to me, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support & care ♥️

[Hardkill]

On 2/18/2018 at 7:29 AM, John Iverson said:

Trial and error is not safe... dealing that problem... i hope there is a professional here... not just say do this do that... wtf.. the case of your boyfriend is serious.. so only serious people who also seriously study that matters can also help you... 

I absolutely agree. I went to school for a Master's in OT and my mom is a very highly experienced Doctor in OT, who worked in the mental health area for decades. Plus, she has always been very street smart. She has always said to me that someone with PTSD MUST receive INTENSE THERAPY ASAP and for a LONG CONSISTENT TIME. I too have studied a lot of psychology in my spare time and know the gist of PTSD. Even though PTSD does not always correlate with anger management issues, the undeniable fact is that someone with PTSD has been extremely traumatized emotionally. This means that he is having extreme difficulty processing the horrors they just experienced. Right now, it's too much for him to remember or think about the thoughts and emotions associated with the traumatic event he went through with the right consultation and guidance from a psychiatrist and psychologist.

Consequently, he cannot accept reality for what it is at all and is unable to emotionally connect with others at a functional level. It is extremely unlikely that you, his family, or any of his other loved ones can help him get through this kind of suffering without the aid of a competent psychologist and psychiatrist. Veteran soldiers who came back from battle or war usually come back shellshocked and become very distrustful of other people, even those very close to them. Some may be able to put on a facade of still appearing to be a strong, confident, and charming individual even though they just went through the worst kind of hell. However, they can suppress the massive amount of negative emotions pent up in them for only so long, until some random or unplanned situation that would be considered very normal to most people end ups triggering the memories of the hellish ordeal they were forced to partake in and witness. Whatever word or image is said that is related to war, battle, maiming, killing, etc. will very likely caused the traumatized victim to instantaneously have flashbacks of that or those same dark moments and re-live them as if they 100% real and happening right now. You also said that he had PTSD before from his abusive mother he may have PTSD complex, which according to its terminology is a psychological disorder thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving sustained abuse or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic.

Also, to be quite frank, someone like him could be very dangerous around others and yourself. He could be great liability around others until he resolves this properly with qualified mental health professionals. I really hope he hasn't physically abused you and/or one day becomes extremely violent to the point of doing something horrific to you or others he is close to.  As a veteran soldier, I assume that he owns a gun of his own. I really hope that he doesn't because that would be very scary for you, him, his friends, and other family members of his that are close to him given his mental state and the lack of mental health treatment that he undoubtedly needs. 

He can take all of the street drugs and alcohol he wants and smoke as much weed as he desires, but those substances will never allow him to truly face the feelings and thoughts of those traumatic memories. In fact, those substances will make it much worse for him overtime because he will never learn to fully cope with his real emotions and thoughts, let alone the fact that heavily abusing drugs, alcohol, weed, cigarettes, etc. will cause great physical damage to himself in the long run. This is not to say that all drugs are bad. In fact some are good if not essential to certain people. As long as they have been properly prescribed by the right medical doctor for you. Xanax is commonly prescribed to patients who have PTSD and/or Panic disorders. Have him ask his doctor about that (ideally a Psychiatrist as they of course specialize in prescribing patients with all sorts of psychiatric/psychology issues). There's no shame in seeing a qualified psychology and psychiatrist. Lots of people who are relatively normal see them all the time for various personal reasons. Hell, I've seen my private Psychiatrist who happens to hold both an MD and PHD in Psychiatry/Psychology for well over decade for my own issues. I've even seen many different kinds of therapists too when I haven't been able to afford to see my Psychiatrist during a certain period of time (mine is kinda expensive). I've been to a number of group therapy sessions including ones that dealt with managing my social anxiety (that group definitely helped a lot, thanks to their CBT methods).

I understand that he's on the waitlist for EMDR. That is very unfortunate as EMDR is indeed a very effective method for treating patients with PTSD. However, I strongly urge that he join a peer support group for veteran soldiers with PTSD. This will allow him to primarily discuss his PTSD issues and in relation to his time as a soldier and really help him relate to others who have gone through very similar situations that he has gone through. In addition, he absolutely MUST find a Psychiatrist and Psychologist to see regularly ASAP to help deal with this at a personal level.

Edited February 25, 2018 by Hardkill

[Nahm]

@Charlotte Thanks!! ❤️  As far as meditation for him, maybe just start with 5 minutes once or twice a day. Focusing on stomach breathing in a good posture, and more time outside if he’s a nature guy. Does he read? The right book along with being new to meditation can go a long way in shifting our outlook and perception. Also, does a ‘higher reason’ come to mind, on his behalf? Maybe something he wants to do, jobs, college, write, start a business, or a family? It sure helps to have a dream of a bigger thing.  Maybe see if he’ll try the meditation, and then shift your focus to pulling out of him what he wants in life. Might not seem like a big thing to a female, but, let him know you believe in him once and a while. That he can do anything he puts his mind to. Guys love that shit. Lol. It works. 

[Phill]

@Charlotte I suffer from severe anxiety, and that makes me stressed and then very easily irritable, then I become very very explosive with my girlfriend, I AM SO SORRY for that, but it's just something really out of control.

One thing I was going to suggest is doing the Wim Hof Method Breathing, 2 times a day, for 5-10 minutes just each time, here how it goes:

1) Lay down comfortably

2) Breath in deep (into the belly, putting force but not too much)

3) Let the air go out (do not push it out, just let it go out)

4) Repeat that cycle 30 times (in and out, 30 times)

5) After 30 cycles, exhale and stop breathing (if he does correctly, he should start feeling some tingling through his head/face and body)

6) Listen to the body, and don't breath until the body asks for air, when it does, breath deeply in again, hold it again until the body asks to exhale and then do it

That's it, in my case this always trumps the anxiety, and the anxiety in my case is the main cause of my angryness/irritability, I become so angry sometimes that I do not want to see or talk to anyone, I just wanna lock myself in my room forever, I think this could be worth a try, it was the strongest technique I have ever found for myself together with a proper diet.

This method is scientific proven, and have many other benefits other than dealing with anxiety, it helps with stress immensely and so many other stuff, you can read more about it here: http://www.icemanwimhof.com/files/2016wimhofmethod-revealed.pdf

Take care

[Charlotte]

@Hardkill wow, very insightful thank you for sharing your knowledge. You cannot legally own any type of fire arms here in the UK so I'm safe in that department, thank you for your concerns. He doesn't do any type of drugs or smoke and rarely drinks. But yes I've seen 1st hand what happens to him when he has consumed to much alcohol, it's frightening, terribly disturbing (not for my safety but for his state of mind). 

I hope, when he starts his EMDR therapy the therapist might then forward him onto some sort of group sessions or support group. 

On 25/02/2018 at 4:32 AM, Nahm said:

@Charlotte Thanks!! ❤️  As far as meditation for him, maybe just start with 5 minutes once or twice a day. Focusing on stomach breathing in a good posture, and more time outside if he’s a nature guy. Does he read? The right book along with being new to meditation can go a long way in shifting our outlook and perception. Also, does a ‘higher reason’ come to mind, on his behalf? Maybe something he wants to do, jobs, college, write, start a business, or a family? It sure helps to have a dream of a bigger thing.  Maybe see if he’ll try the meditation, and then shift your focus to pulling out of him what he wants in life. Might not seem like a big thing to a female, but, let him know you believe in him once and a while. That he can do anything he puts his mind to. Guys love that shit. Lol. It works. 

I'll forward the meditation information to him, thank you. He doesn't read unfortunately. He is interested in martial arts though. He has a good job, he enjoys it to a degree, all employees at the company are treat very well and very respectfully. I can't say he has some sort of 'dream', not that I'm aware of anyway. I'll work on this with him as you suggested, thank you ♥️

@Phill Thank you for sharing your experiences and method! Your anxiety does sound somewhat familiar to my partner's. I'll share the information and technique you've given me, thank you ♥️

[Shin]

So, does it worked ?

Btw I saw you in my dream, you're one crazy motherfucker lol

Edited February 27, 2018 by Shin

[Charlotte]

2 hours ago, Shin said:

2 hours ago, Shin said: