Searching for more vividness in life

[Marcell Kovacs]

I'm going to start this topic with a little story just so you understand the full picture.

In 2016 my girlfriend and I broke up and it's the most painful I ever felt, I had probably experienced the greatest ego backlash in my life to this day. The continuous suffering that was present for months at the time felt unbearable and made me try and escape it every chance I got by stepping outside my comfort zone with regards to nearly everyting. Social situations, my life purpose, my fitness, my school studies at the time and many other areas of life in general. This was the time I started exercising daily, this was the time I would walk for hours on end in the city listening to music and singing lyrics loudly without any care about what others were thinking about me. This was also the time I first discovered Actualized.org as well and started meditating on a daily basis. I would always think I'm going through the worst phase of my life and was doing anything and everything to avoid turning inwards to conquering the fears that this relationship left me with and would do all these activities to escape the self-reflection process. I would always push my self outside of my comfort zone in every single situation I could encounter. My energy levels were the highest they have ever been, I could basically be the most alive I've ever been with 3-4 hours of sleep every night. This might have something to do with the fact that I had not fapped for more than half a year back then, which included not having sex either, so my testosterone level was always high. Thinking back, during those times I experienced such a connection, such vividness through all this suffering that I feel like I have not been able to establish ever since.

Now, just the other day as I was listening to a song that I used to listen to a lot during those times made me feel nostalgic towards that period of time, and it's very funny, because ever since then in a sense all areas of my life improved. My LP is advancing in greater levels than before, I'm more fit, my diet is cleaner, my level of overall growth and consciousness is night and day compared to before and although by not much, but my meditation sessions are better as well. I did fall back into fapping and pornography addiction though, which I'm trying to overcome as we speak, as I'm noticing how harmful it is to my overall being. One thing, however which I feel like my life is missing and what I haven't been able to advance in is being able to reconnect with that vividness, that "presence" I was feeling even if I was a mess inside. I felt much more connected to life than ever before through the suffering and I feel like that connection has somewhat been missing since then even though I've grown so much ever since and I don't even feel like I'm the same guy anymore. Whenever I go for these walks I used to take I'm just unable to appreciate life as much as I did back then, I also noticed that even though I'm better at meditating, I'm still caught in monkey mind much more than I used to be during those times, even though I was hardly meditating at all back then. Now, I do know that escapism is not the best answer to suffering, but self-reflection is, however this escapism process made me more connected with life itself. Those times were undoubtedly the best times of my life, even if back then I thought they were the worst.

So, enough ranting, now that you get what I mean, time for the question: How do I re-establish such a connection with life, how do I create such memories again, how do I make my life so powerful again?

[aurum]

@Marcell Kovacs

Think of your progress more like the stock market. It goes up, then it goes down, then it goes up, then it goes down.

But always, the overall trajectory is up.

I'm saying this so that you don't feel like you did something "wrong". This is just the nature of growth.

You felt alive because you were leaning into your edges. The only way to get that back is to start leaning into them again.

[snowleopard]

@Marcell Kovacs  I can only speculate, but it sure seems that there are still some shadow issues that are in need of resolving, as they are almost always at the root of any addiction that seeks to numb some repressed emotional pain.

Edited February 17, 2018 by snowleopard

[NoSelfSelf]

Well this work is all about coming back to that "presence" and "have it" forever....no quick fixes...whats your Lp(im curious)?

[Marcell Kovacs]

5 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Well this work is all about coming back to that "presence" and "have it" forever....no quick fixes...whats your Lp(im curious)?

Electronic music production/DJing.