Unhappy with my thoughts

[Courtney]

I have been learning about enlightenment by watching almost every Leo video there is, as well as reading countless books about the topic over the last year.  I understand the concepts and truthfully, it's a bit of a depressing "realization" (if I can even call it that) that life isn't what most of us currently feel it is.  That being said, it also makes me feel like I somehow knew this all along and I'm now on my journey home, as I continue being more and more present and aware.  I must say that as I type this out right now, I know I'm really just talking to myself... anyway.  All this being said, one thing I'd love to bounce off a few of "you", is that I am having issues with too much "self talk" throughout the day, and even though I know not to take my thoughts personally (sounds so funny to say that), some of them put me in a pretty shitty mood.  Any suggestions from myself out there?? I know I'll conquer these "issues" the further along my journey I go, however does anyone have any suggestions on being able to be more compassionate and accepting of the thoughts that go through this human experience? Leo? Anyone? Me? 

[Courtney]

Forgot to put @Leo Gura (new to this forum) 

[Vinnie]

Maybe taking the opposite attitude?.. Like telling the thoughts to f*ck off or something. Just don't scream it aloud in public. Works for me. Honest

[Vipassana]

@Courtney What i've realized is that i cannot escape negative thinking by thinking more. Whenever a negative thought arises, i've noticed that there is always a subtle uncomfortable sensation in the body like pain, itch, or just any discomfort and I've also noticed that I am reacting to the subtle sensation by negative thinking although at the moment It feels like its justified self talk, not me reacting to a discomfort. I dont know if that made any sense but i would recommend you to pay attention to your breath whenever you're in a loop of negative thoughts. Your respiration is your best tool because you can always shift your awareness to whats true on your direct experience. The ego dies everytime you focus on whats directly true. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPUWdhHDKS4

[Nahm]

@Courtney A “depressing realization” of being alone is not a realization of enlightenment. Knowing you’re alone conceptually, understanding it, can be misleading. Without the practices, without changes in awareness, there is no direct experience, and there is no real-izaltion. Self talk / “monkey mind” is one of the first things we’re free off through daily morning meditation. Don’t be discouraged. Have some faith in the practices. 

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”

— Buddha

[Shin]

Focus on the negative thing you sense in the stomach instead of the thought that creates it.

Don't try to escape it.

After a few weeks/months you should be ok with whatever you let go like that.

[Torkys]

By thinking that these thoughts are negative, you create even more negative thoughts. Ta-da!

This doesn't justify you suppressing your commentary on your self-talk though. It's just resistance and it speeds up the metaphorical treadmill even more.

Other than that, I will give @Nahm a non-existent reputation point. You most likely haven't experienced deeper levels of comprehension yet. If you aren't aware this shit you are talking about in your current direct experience, you have just scratched the surface while thinking you are at rock bottom.

[Leo Gura]

@Courtney There is no magic pill. I have been meditating for nearly 5 years and I still get plenty of monkey mind. Much less than before, but still lots of it. When I first started, I literally couldn't sit still for 5 minutes. 5 minutes was hell.

It usually takes decades of serious practice to be able to totally silence your mind. And that doesn't include conquering your fears and inner demons. When those get triggered, of course the monkey mind will flare up big time and spoil your mood. That is your entire dynamic of staying alive we're talking about. You'd basic need to conqering death to be calm and collected in those situations.

Just start doing the practices and remember to set realistic expectations with a long term vision, otherwise you'll get discouraged and quit. See my video on Setting Proper Expectations.

Welcome to the work.

[Saumaya]

6 hours ago, Courtney said:

I have been learning about enlightenment by watching almost every Leo video there is, as well as reading countless books about the topic over the last year.  I understand the concepts and truthfully, it's a bit of a depressing "realization" (if I can even call it that) that life isn't what most of us currently feel it is.  That being said, it also makes me feel like I somehow knew this all along and I'm now on my journey home, as I continue being more and more present and aware.  I must say that as I type this out right now, I know I'm really just talking to myself... anyway.  All this being said, one thing I'd love to bounce off a few of "you", is that I am having issues with too much "self talk" throughout the day, and even though I know not to take my thoughts personally (sounds so funny to say that), some of them put me in a pretty shitty mood.  Any suggestions from myself out there?? I know I'll conquer these "issues" the further along my journey I go, however does anyone have any suggestions on being able to be more compassionate and accepting of the thoughts that go through this human experience? Leo? Anyone? Me? 

The thoughts are not you but just a collection of meanings, perceptions and judgements. Contemplate this...Also the point is not to stop the thoughts completely but create distance between yourself and your mind i.e disidentifying with your mind and its content.

[Courtney]

@Leo Gura Thank you so much for your prompt response!  

I have seen your video on setting proper expectations, however it was a while ago so I will watch it again!  Meditating is definitely something I will start doing daily.  This is one of the main pieces I am missing.  

One thing I do now (thanks to you) is I will notice the "monkey chatter" and tell myself that's all it is while it's happening... however it's still me telling me something which is just more monkey chatter lol.  

I also really want to try DMT and actually have an "ego-less" experience.  I want to feel infinity!  

I will continue watching your vids and I'll make meditation a priority.  

Can I ask what motivates you to continue this human experience?  I don't mean that to sound "dark" at all, it's just that sometimes I find it hard to find a motivator when there really isn't a purpose to life at all!  Also - this strange loop never ends does it?!  

Thank you so much for trying your best to communicate this Truth to others.  I stumbled upon your videos after watching a few videos on personal growth, and I haven't stopped watching or listening.  

Video on not giving a fuck what others think was a game changer.  Thank you.

 

 

 

 

[Courtney]

@Vinnie thanks for the advice - I think yelling that out in public could totally be entertaining, and would give me a ton of time to meditate while I'm in a mental hospital! Lol 

 

[Courtney]

@Vipassana great advice! I absolutely notice an extremely uncomfortable feeling (heavy heart, breathing weird, etc) when these thoughts are being entertained.  I will absolutely try focusing on my breathing next time this happens.  Thank you so much for your response.  Also - thanks for the video suggestion, I'll watch that one today. 

[Courtney]

@Nahm thank you for responding!  You're right, I'm at a stage now where I know most of the concepts very well, and I believe them wholeheartedly, however without working more on meditating and distancing myself from myself, it's a very messy ride lol. 

Also, thank you for that Buddha quote - that hit me hard and that also makes me realize how much work there is to do. 

[Courtney]

@Shin thank you so much for your response! 

I did notice that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach when these thoughts arise and your advice to focus on the feeling and not the thought is exactly what I'll try next time. 

Thank you.  

[Courtney]

@Torkys thank you for replying! 

You're right - I haven't experienced deeper levels of comprehension.  I think meditating more will help get me there! 

 

[Courtney]

@Saumaya thanks for responding!  

You're right.  I do need to disidentify myself from my mind and thoughts.  I appreciate your words and I will continue trucking along this journey.  Meditating more seems to be a good starting point! 

[Shin]

4 minutes ago, Courtney said:

@Saumaya thanks for responding!  

You're right.  I do need to disidentify myself from my mind and thoughts.  I appreciate your words and I will continue trucking along this journey.  Meditating more seems to be a good starting point! 

Your body too.

Otherwise you'll be very sad in 20/30 years.

[Nahm]

@Courtney Thank you. You’re whole post is very refreshing. You have a lot of clarity and seem very open. I’m so excited and happy when I imagine what’s to come for you. It’s beyond worthwhile. Enjoy! ❤️

[SOUL]

Well, even though you have been "learning about enlightenment" and "watching almost every Leo video there is" you still can have fulfillment, joy and peace in life. That might not make much sense at the moment but eventually you can have more clarity of it.

Keep in mind that you create your own inner life of your own spirituality and right now it may seem like an out of control and chaotic space. Others will try to tell you what is "truth", what you need, how you should do it and will try to get you to fill that space with endless distractions of their ideas.

You are the caretaker of it, find your own "truth" and create in that space wisely.

Be at peace.

[Courtney]

@Shin thank you, yes, body too. Good point!