Wanting Truth but desperately trying to avoid it at the same time

[Max_V]

I've been experiencing this for a while now. There is a pull towards Truth but at the same time it's like I don't want to wake up from this dream I call life. When I will, there will be nothing to hang on to anymore and that scares me to death.

As Adyashanti calls it, and it really does feel like this, skydiving but being resistant to it and trying to grasp at air to keep me from falling.

What the hell will I do when I become conscious of the fact that all that I've been doing up until now is not real and actually just part of some dream?

[tsuki]

What I did is at first carried on like nothing happened while being completely insane on the inside judging by my previous standards.
Then, when I calmed down and changed my standards, I continued like nothing happened, smiling to myself silently. 

It took some practice, but you wouldn't believe what you can hide amongst unobservant people ;).

Your life won't crumble simply because you've changed. If it was all dream from the start - all of it was just a story that played itself while you were being deluded. Have some trust in yourself.

Edited February 15, 2018 by tsuki

[nightrider1435]

@Max_V Life just goes on when you wake up, that's it. Nothing really changes. The mind will probably get uncomfortable at first, you become more at ease as time goes on, at least from my experience.

[Shin]

13 minutes ago, Max_V said:

I've been experiencing this for a while now. There is a pull towards Truth but at the same time it's like I don't want to wake up from this dream I call life. When I will, there will be nothing to hang on to anymore and that scares me to death.

As Adyashanti calls it, and it really does feel like this, skydiving but being resistant to it and trying to grasp at air to keep me from falling.

What the hell will I do when I become conscious of the fact that all that I've been doing up until now is not real and actually just part of some dream?

Unless you were very far off track of what you're genuinely interested to do, that won't happen.

Even if it happens, you'll just do something else, you won't care lol

[cirkussmile]

You living under the illusion that you are something other than what you really are. To be conscious of it doesn't change who you are. You just know what you are not! 

And then change will happen but you don't try to stop it anymore. 

But first step is to let go of who you think you are and then we can ask questions in how to move on

[Vingger]

You are not living until you realize who you are

[snowleopard]

57 minutes ago, Max_V said:

As Adyashanti calls it, and it really does feel like this, skydiving but being resistant to it and trying to grasp at air to keep me from falling.

True enough, it can seem like that ... But the good news is, there is no bottom ground ... just free-falling. 

[Max_V]

Yes it’s a very weird system. I am mindful of how I completely want nothing to do with Truth since it endangers who I feel I am. But at the same time I have this deep intuition that tells me something else is going on.

So why am I trying to run from something that inherently is and will always be?

Everytime my mind opens up and I get into a place where I can really question stuff and look into what’s really going on, everything immediately goes into panic mode, resistance coming up, heartrate rising, my mind jumping up and down like crazy.

It’s exactly what Leo told in one of his videos what often happens, I want to see Truth and find out what existence really is but I want to do it with a ‘me’. When the ‘me’ part of exploring this gets taken away there is no interest anymore and I feel a deep rooted resistance.

[Shin]

You have to keep going until you go a bit too far and the ego can't go back on its own.

That's how I feel it's gonna happen, nothing complicated about it.

[nightrider1435]

@Max_V The character you've been playing won't go down without a fight. It doesn't want you to wake up from the dream, hence why you feel disinterest whenever you get close, it's going to try to steer you away. Mind is very very sneaky. Its a tug of war.

[Shin]

It's so simple it can be summed up in one meme

 

[snowleopard]

@Max_V Those self-identities are so deeply rooted, instilled from day-one, as soon as one is given a name, and conditioned into a paradigm completely based on egoic pursuits that they aren't going to just be easily dispelled without a struggle. There is such a powerful investment in them by the psyche that their disappearance indeed feels like the end of its existence and its modus operandi. But in actuality it's just a return to the unique individual expression of awareness that was never not present, before all that conditioning took hold. The difference is that it's now free to just be what it naturally is, without the encumbrance of being other than that. In keeping with the sky-diving analogy, imagine you're an eagle clinging desperately to a parachute, when all it has to do is let go of that baggage, and trust in its true nature. Only such faith will overcome the fear.

[haai14]

@Max_V Mate i feel the same way, the only thing you can do is dive deep whit trust that everything will be good and embrace everything. Easier said then done. But even if you surrender to a small part of it its good. The trick is to not overthink it and create stories. I recently started to embrace it and after some time its nothing like your mind is telling you its going to be. for example:

What the hell will I do when I become conscious of the fact that all that I've been doing up until now is not real and actually just part of some dream? 

this is a story that you tell your self its going to be like this or that... its not :P. It will in theory but will not have that emotion like you think it will have.

Edited February 16, 2018 by haai14

[Saumaya]

It doesn't matter, anyway you're going to die..It's only matter of when. The you who is afraid never existed in the first place.

[Max_V]

@Shin Loooool 

@nightrider1435 Yes I guess I just have to keep slowly releasing attachment from this self as I’ve been doing up until now.

The backlash gets me very often lately. I’m aware that it’s happening and I know why it’s happening, but when I feel a strong pull towards watching some tv-show instead of self-inquiring, it’s like I have no choice. I just go do it.

[nightrider1435]

@Max_V Give yourself space too. You want to go watch TV instead of inquire, that's ok. Keep progressing at your own pace and balance.

[JustinS]

@Max_V The ego wants enlightenment, yet as it slowly moves towards it it realizes that it’s its demise. It still thinks enlightenment is something that will feel good to the ego or separate self haha. It’s a suicide mission. When you take an elevator up to the highest floor of the skyscraper you look down the window and say “oh god why did I go all the way up for this?” You jump! This is just an example, please don’t do this.

[Shin]

Too late to go back !

We so gonna die 

[Patang]

@Max_V everything is just fine. now, if you want to go on the fast track, then you have to sort what is true and what is not. all that is false, must be thrown straight out the window, torn from what was once called "you". blissful times ahead of you (just after some miserable ones). otherwise, keep it cool, it will happen anyway, but in a slower pace.

[Max_V]

@nightrider1435 Yes indeed, I should find a good balance for myself.

Forcing stuff hasn’t really ever helped, so I guess I should do it on my own pace