Long-term Resentment

[CuteCornDog]

I don't think one person on this planet has any clue on how to deal with how resentful I am.

 

The fact is I can't forgive anyone or let go of the past.

 

You will be surprised at what little things I'm holding onto that everyone else has forgotten about regardless of how much better things get for me.

 

I have improved a lot, but at the end of the day, I'm still resentful.

[GrowingUp]

It's interesting. Your post is a statement - not a question or request for help (i.e. "How do I stop being so resentful?") 

I think you're perfectly fine. You're having a human experience of "resentment" which millions (possibly billions) of humans have experienced and/or continue to experience. So you're in fine company. Nothing wrong here.

In fact, what you have is kind of a gift. You have a strong emotion - some might categorize it as a "negative" emotion - that you can use as a window into your deeper self - to see where other people's actions have touched a "wound" you believe you have.

Something happened "out there" (in reality) - and then you labeled it "in here" (in your mind) - and then you resent those who did the thing - because you believe "the situation" created your inner feeling/emotion. But it's your mind that crafted the emotion from the situation on the outside. And your mind crafted the emotion because of some internal soft spot you have that you believe it touched.

If we have a deep well of feeling unworthy - someone doing something that we judge as "rejection" or "disrespect" can touch that wound of inner unworthiness. Instead of investigating our wound and learning to drop our own inner story line - we often react or repress. In this case - with resentment - we hold up the wall of anger in order to keep them from touching this soft spot within us again. We hold onto this resentment to keep guard... knowing that at any moment they may do it again... so we continue the thoughts and feelings that block them.

If we see that what they did is neutral - and it's our own mind that created the pain - then we can drop the walls of protection - and look inside at what soft spot we believe they touched. What inside me felt rejected, unloved, hurt, fearful, unworthy, disrespected, etc.? We go inside to learn about ourselves and our story of ourselves - instead of repressing our learning and simply building walls of protection.

Our painful emotions can be our greatest teachers. When we feel someone or something has touched a soft spot inside of us... when we feel an inner pain... that's our alarm to look within and see what inside of us was touched. Not to blame the outside world for causing it. We create our own feelings from the inside out - and we can solve our own feelings from the inside out, too.

Your resentment is a very bright spotlight on a prime place for you to grow and create deeper compassion for yourself - and ultimately, for others, too.

Just a thought - from someone who is walking on this exact path, too.

[CuteCornDog]

1 hour ago, GrowingUp said:

It's interesting. Your post is a statement - not a question or request for help (i.e. "How do I stop being so resentful?") 

I think you're perfectly fine. You're having a human experience of "resentment" which millions (possibly billions) of humans have experienced and/or continue to experience. So you're in fine company. Nothing wrong here.

In fact, what you have is kind of a gift. You have a strong emotion - some might categorize it as a "negative" emotion - that you can use as a window into your deeper self - to see where other people's actions have touched a "wound" you believe you have.

Something happened "out there" (in reality) - and then you labeled it "in here" (in your mind) - and then you resent those who did the thing - because you believe "the situation" created your inner feeling/emotion. But it's your mind that crafted the emotion from the situation on the outside. And your mind crafted the emotion because of some internal soft spot you have that you believe it touched.

If we have a deep well of feeling unworthy - someone doing something that we judge as "rejection" or "disrespect" can touch that wound of inner unworthiness. Instead of investigating our wound and learning to drop our own inner story line - we often react or repress. In this case - with resentment - we hold up the wall of anger in order to keep them from touching this soft spot within us again. We hold onto this resentment to keep guard... knowing that at any moment they may do it again... so we continue the thoughts and feelings that block them.

If we see that what they did is neutral - and it's our own mind that created the pain - then we can drop the walls of protection - and look inside at what soft spot we believe they touched. What inside me felt rejected, unloved, hurt, fearful, unworthy, disrespected, etc.? We go inside to learn about ourselves and our story of ourselves - instead of repressing our learning and simply building walls of protection.

Our painful emotions can be our greatest teachers. When we feel someone or something has touched a soft spot inside of us... when we feel an inner pain... that's our alarm to look within and see what inside of us was touched. Not to blame the outside world for causing it. We create our own feelings from the inside out - and we can solve our own feelings from the inside out, too.

Your resentment is a very bright spotlight on a prime place for you to grow and create deeper compassion for yourself - and ultimately, for others, too.

Just a thought - from someone who is walking on this exact path, too.

I feel really rejected because of my family.

 

I'm doing the best I can.

 

They're really really bad people preventing me from moving forward.

 

CAN'T GET A JOB BECAUSE OF THEM!

 

REALLY REALLY DEPRESSED BECAUSE OF THEIR LACK OF COMMON SENSE AND BEING GANGED UP ON!

[GrowingUp]

Some of THE hardest work we'll ever do is to realize that other people and other circumstances don't actually cause our feelings. Our feelings are a direct feedback of our mind's thoughts - not outside circumstances. You said "I feel really rejected because of my family". In reality, you could say "I feel really rejected because of the thoughts I'm having about my family". 

This basic concept has been taught again and again...

*** The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but the thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is. (Eckhart Tolle)

*** There’s “what happened” and there’s “my story about what happened”. Assuming these two things to be the same is the source of much pain and conflict.

*** We don’t see things the way they are. We seem them the way we are. (Talmud)

*** It isn’t the things that happen to us in our lives that cause us to suffer, it’s how we relate to the things that happen that causes us to suffer. (Pema Chodron)

Your current life experience ... your feelings and actions ... are based on your internal thoughts and beliefs.

* You believe they're making you feel bad.

* You believe they're preventing you from moving forward

* You believe you can't get a job because of them

* You believe you're really depressed because they're ganging up on you

The most painful way to live life is to believe others and the world are causing your feelings. It makes you a "victim" to others. And victims need villains. So family and bosses and the economy and everything seems "against us".

When we take responsibility for our thoughts - and, in that process, the feelings they generate within us - we're now an "owner" in life. We see circumstances as neutral - and how we react or respond to them as our responsibility. (Response - Ability)

Yes, your family may say and do things toward you.

But you have the power to make what they say and do whatever you wish.

You can make it mean something about you...

Or you can awaken yourself to the fact that it really simply says something about them.

When a family member says something to me that's negative, I think...

"Hmmm. They have a fascinating viewpoint of me. Very interesting. My own viewpoint is completely different - and very more positive than theirs - so I'll just let them have their idea - and I'll live with my own."

And in that - they get to be who they are... and I get to be who I am.

And I'm much happier.

Angry family, I'm happy.

Happy family, I'm happy.

Rejecting family, I'm happy.

No family, I'm happy.

My happiness has to do with me. Their anger or anything else is about them. And I don't have to label their words or deeds as anything about me.

I own my thoughts, feelings, and actions - and create my life from there.

Family, no family, angry family, happy family. I let them be how they wish to be - and I do the work inside myself to be who I want to be. No approval or acceptance needed. I've got enough for myself - regardless of anyone else.

When we've practiced so long to believe we're the victim of others - it can be difficult to let this go and take responsibility.

But it's the best work you'll ever do.

Let go of your blame of your family - and start to accept yourself fully - regardless of what they say or do.

You own your life experience. It's all you.