Did a thing that I am ashamed of

[Ariel]

Before you read this, know that this post contains sexual things. So if you are too young or something stop reading and get out. I'd want some mature advice.

 

Hey. I am a 18 guy. Been a kissless virgin.

Now you probably think that it's not related to self-actualization, but I think it does. This thing been bothering me for a few months. It's not the act itself that I need help with, it's the emotional problems and the thougths that come to my mind that prevent me from being a self-actualized.

I went to a prostitute with a few friends and lost my virginity. Now I feel like crap. 

I was 17 back then. Didn't have an experience with a girl and wanted to get more sexual. My friends recommended going to a prostitute and I accepted. I didn't think about it (like the saying "Think before you do"), and went in. Honestly? Didn't really enjoy it. Went out and went on for a few days. Then it started to bother me. I was really invested in the opinions of other people. People at my age always ask about sex. Some people know that I never kissed a girl. I always thougth about what to say if someone asks me that question. I didn't know what to say, should I keep that as a secret? Should I be honest and share it? Should I hide it because it's now something that is socially normal? It really messes up with my head, I don't know what to do. 

I acutally had sex at 17 but never kissed anyone (and now I am 18). This messes up with my head, about what other can think, and what I think.

On the one hand, I don't want to be invested in other people perception over me. On the other hand, I don't think that it's a really good idea to share it.

Another thing, I don't like the idea of prostitution, and I am ashamed of the act itself. I wasted my first sexual experience on something like this.

I am sure it sounds stupid for you, but I have some problems within myself. I think too much, I worry too much, can't clean my mind, can't stop until I find an answer, a solution, something that will feel fine for me.

I can't keep things simple. 

Would like some help here.

Edited February 14, 2018 by Ariel

[Shin]

I did the same thing.

I would recommand to start daily meditation, and learn how to attract a decent girlfriend of your age (Models by Mark Manson) and have real sex with her.

The thing is, you didn't have sex, but still have, and since it's so much important in your present state of mind, it really is fucking with your mind.
Everything is in your head, but the good thing is that you don't have to believe what your heads tells you  
Not only that, but what others think too, it's irrelevant, I hope you'll see this at some point with enough meditation practice.

BTW, I wouldn't say it turns women on (some are), but a lot of women doesn't really care that much if you're a noob, not if you're honest and confident (which is weird combination I admit).

Edited February 14, 2018 by Shin

[Ariel]

3 minutes ago, Shin said:

I did the same thing.

I would recommand to start daily meditation, and learn how to attract a decent girlfriend of your age (Models by Mark Manson) and have real sex with her.

The thing is, you didn't have sex, but still have, and since it's so much important in your present state of mind, it really is fucking with your mind.
Everything is in your head, but the good thing is that you don't have to believe what your heads tells you  
Not only that, but what others think too, it's irrelevant, I hope you'll see this at some point with enough meditation practice.

BTW, I wouldn't say it turns women on (some are), but a lot of women doesn't really care that much if you're a noob, not if you're honest and confident (which is weird combination I admit).

I've actually read Models by Mark Manson. I put the concept of neediness and vulnerabillity here (being less invested in the perceptions of other people). The problem here is that I still don't know what to do, if I should I hide this thing or being open with people. To get real relationships I need to be comfortable with my flaws. What did you do? 

[Shin]

8 minutes ago, Ariel said:

I've actually read Models by Mark Manson. I put the concept of neediness and vulnerabillity here (being less invested in the perceptions of other people). The problem here is that I still don't know what to do, if I should I hide this thing or being open with people. To get real relationships I need to be comfortable with my flaws. What did you do? 

I was a mess, not a good example lol
What I did years later though was what I told you.

Just don't lie about any of this, there is no point about it, there is no shame to have.
If someone can't handle the fact that you did that, then it's their problem not yours.

@Ariel Don't wait too long to get your very first real relationship, the more you wait, the more it will sucks your mind.

At the same time, don't go for a girl you don't even like though, it will just be a mess.

Edited February 14, 2018 by Shin

[Ariel]

1 minute ago, Shin said:

I was a mess, not a good example lol
What I did years later though was what I told you.

Just don't lie about any of this, there is no point about it, there is no shame to have.
If someone can't handle the fact that you did that, then it's their problem not yours.

And has it worked for you?

[Shin]

Just now, Ariel said:

And has it worked for you?

Yes it worked, it's just not pleasant, but you gotta have to do it at some point anyway.

[Ariel]

2 minutes ago, Shin said:

Yes it worked, it's just not pleasant, but you gotta have to do it at some point anyway.

Not pleasant? Why?

Also, did get any negative reactions?

[Shin]

6 minutes ago, Ariel said:

Not pleasant? Why?

 

Meditation will bring all your inconscious shit in front of your mind and you'll have to deal with it practically. 
Being vulnerable to grow as man requires you to accept rejection and to really work yourself deeply.
Most men never do at least one of the above, if not both.

It's the most gruelling work you'll ever do, everything else is childplay in comparison.

@Ariel 

Quote

Also, did get any negative reactions?

What do you mean ?

Edited February 14, 2018 by Shin

[Ariel]

Just now, Shin said:

Meditation will bring all your inconscious shit in front of your mind and you'll have to deal with it practically. 
Being vulnerable to grow as man requires you to accept rejection and to really work yourself deeply.
Most men never do at least one of the above, if not both.

It's the most gruelling work you'll ever do, everything else is childplay in comparison.

@Ariel 

What do you mean ?

By negative reactions I mean like being disgusted by you, or saying some shit.

[Shin]

3 minutes ago, Ariel said:

By negative reactions I mean like being disgusted by you, or saying some shit.

Other people or myself ?

[Key Elements]

@Ariel

Research the topic: "mentally strong people." I find this helpful:

Another thing is, watch out who you hang out with. Make sure you hang around ppl who will not pressure you to make decisions that you will later deeply regret. Remember that good friends who truly understand you are hard to find. This will be true as you go further into your adulthood. Before you make crucial decisions in life, research and look at it from as many sides as you can, and then make a wise decision. There is a saying:

Another useful saying that has to do with wise decision making:

You said this:

"The problem here is that I still don't know what to do, if I should I hide this thing or being open with people. To get real relationships I need to be comfortable with my flaws. What did you do?"

No. Don't go around telling ppl. Ppl in general don't need to know. You may end up telling the wrong ppl, and all you'll get are judgements, criticisms, and gossipings for no reason. But yes, if you start a real relationship, you will have to tell her. She will have to accept you for who you are and what you did.

I really think you need to work on yourself first before you start a real relationship. Be prepared. Break ups hurt ppl too. That could easily happen if you're not prepared. I recommend that you go for your interests and meet ppl along the way without rushing into a relationship. Try making real friends first. Developing a life purpose will eventually allow you to discover yourself. It's a lifelong journey.