Old breakup, new issues - what can I do to be peaceful?

[billiesimon]

Hi guys, my problem here is with an old breakup, happened 6 months ago, and it came back biting her and then me.

We've been together for 8 months, (I'm late 20s, she's 22), and she broke up with me at the end of summer peacefully, asking to remain sincere friends, actual friends. I agreed, because I appreciated her as a friend too, and I also already introduced her to my group of old friends, so I wanted her to stay with them.

In the first month I was aching inside because of the breakup , but i kept cool and after 3 weeks we ended up in a """"friendly""" date and had sex again. I fell again in love, while she tried so fucking hard to hide her feelings for me, saying bullshit like "I don't want you to get attached, it was just a mistake because I like you and I find you a cool guy, but I don't feel love anymore", which I DON'T believe, because she kept contacting me as a "friend" every single day, including confidential talk, and confessing her deepest fears to me. 

Then we decided to stop texting, and became loose friends. Then she finds a new guy to go out, but she never kissed him, only 2 dates to try to know him. She comes to me to confess these dates and she reveals to me that "he is not on your level. you are still my best boyfriend, i've never been so close to someone as with you. i want to find someone similar, so I ditched him". In the meantime I went out to find girls and new people.

At new year's eve she freaks the fuck out with me, even though the friendship thing was already cool to me, since I already was thinking about finding new girls and I was ok with her. But at this party she freaks the fuck out because I'm "too close" to her as a friend, and she feels like all the old problems of the pre-breakup are coming back, and that I don't understand her. I try to calm her since i was already calm and cool. I had no problem with her, and was a perfectly fine friend. 

In the first of january she tells me on the phone that she is SICK of hearing me. I am TOTALLY shocked since we had NO problems, only normal discussions as friends, and a simple fight as normal friends two weeks before. She tells me that that stupid fight as friends is the cause of her sickness of me, and of course I tell her that it's BS, since it was a stupid fight about organizing my birthday party in december. A fight which was already resolved the day after.

She insists that she is sick of me, sick of the feelings related to me , and sick of all the problems we had in our couple (What the fuck?!).
She blocks me on all social media without warnings, closes the call brutally, and since then I have zero clues about her. I'm moving on with my life.

 

Can you explain what happened? where did I fuck up?
I'm still somehow sad but I want to learn and go on. And rescue our friendship maybe

[Nahm]

@billiesimon I don’t think you messed anything up. This is pretty much just being 20 - 22. The experience is how we expand. There is the feeling of love, and there is the fear of losing the feeling of love. The feeling of love, you’re stuck with. The fear of losing it, can be cleaned out with meditation, establishing the center of your experience in the center of your being. In our 20’s, we put the center of our world on the other person in the blink of an eye. We don’t even notice will did it until the shit hits the fan.  The only way to completely be free of it, and free of it in the future, is to practice the centering of one’s self. Meditation is weird in that it should be done preventitively and therefore isn’t “needed”.

 

[Spiral]

@billiesimon If you break up and want to remain friends avoid each other for 2-4 weeks first. The more the better.

I did what you did ended up being together again, broke up a few months later. A waste of time.

Edited February 16, 2018 by Spiral

[billiesimon]

I get what both of you are saying.

My mistake was accepting her "magical friends frame" in an instant. And she payed that mistake too, since she freaked out. I need to set some distance the next time I break up.

 

Do you think I can regain the friendship with her in the long distance? After months of no contacts I mean.

[HII]

Why did she break up with you? What were your/her problems before that?

[billiesimon]

1 hour ago, HII said:

Why did she break up with you? What were your/her problems before that?

Because I was insecure about the relationship. She was the one asking me to become a couple, and I accepted it, but I kept on expressing insecurity about wanting to be with her (never cheated, never insulted, just insecure). After a lot of time she started to become sick with it and asked to breakup politely.

[Samra]

The trouble with being so young and energetic like yourself is , that you are going to get a lot of good advice here and there, but you won't listen to any of it at the end. Why? Cause heart knows no logic. So you go on and make your mistakes. And you will learn from them. And hopefully you won't be bitter, and bounce back. And then you will give advice to younger kids  and they won't listen to you either. You will be fine, no matter how hard this seems right now Here is my advice that you are not going to apply : leave this relationship. Forget about the friendship. Out Grow your self and intelligence. There are a lot of interesting people out there for you to date and befriend.

[HII]

@billiesimon It can really hurt the ego on a very deep level to feel like you're not good enough for someone to love you and commit to that. Maybe that's what happened for her when you were acting insecure about the relationship.

The fact that there weren't any problems before she freaked out doesn't mean she didn't still carry a lot of resentment that just might not have been present or visible.

You weren't clear about what you want. Whenever that's the case, don't be surprised if things don't go your way. This not only applies to relationships.

You asked for peace, so here is what I would try in your position if I wanted to attain that: First, I would try to assess what happened as clearly and honestly as possible. (The fact that you didn't share the reasons for your breakup, as if it wasn't relevant for the current situation, might indicate that you can do more than what you did so far in that regard.) Then I would try to pinpoint situations in which I could have acted more honestly and more in line with my ideal self. Where could I have improved the conversation about one another's wants and needs and other feelings? Then I would try to reframe the whole thing as an experience that I can learn from. Then I would go on with my life and do the learning. Try to get a good connection to my values and focus on pursuing my goals. Let interactions and connections with people come as they come and happen as they happen, keeping in mind the knowledge I've gained from past experiences.

As long as it doesn't hurt too much, I would consider bringing the other person along this process, if she so wishes, to whatever extent seems beneficial.

And lastly, I would remind myself that humans are strange creatures in a strange universe, in which many things can happen at many times, but ultimately, I'm never really in danger and in the end I can always be fine if I let myself

[billiesimon]

On 18/2/2018 at 1:02 AM, Samra said:

The trouble with being so young and energetic like yourself is , that you are going to get a lot of good advice here and there, but you won't listen to any of it at the end. Why? Cause heart knows no logic. So you go on and make your mistakes. And you will learn from them. And hopefully you won't be bitter, and bounce back. And then you will give advice to younger kids  and they won't listen to you either. You will be fine, no matter how hard this seems right now Here is my advice that you are not going to apply : leave this relationship. Forget about the friendship. Out Grow your self and intelligence. There are a lot of interesting people out there for you to date and befriend.

Thanks ahah   well, I'm not so young, I'm in my late 20's. She is 22. 

I will follow the advice, since I want to self actualize and learn how to love better  I've already improved since my previous relationship, which was 3 years ago. And i will continue to work on myself. 
Regarding being impulsive.. yes, I tend to be impulsive with girls and passionate, and I make mistakes, but I'm ready to learn more.

[billiesimon]

6 hours ago, HII said:

@billiesimon It can really hurt the ego on a very deep level to feel like you're not good enough for someone to love you and commit to that. Maybe that's what happened for her when you were acting insecure about the relationship.

The fact that there weren't any problems before she freaked out doesn't mean she didn't still carry a lot of resentment that just might not have been present or visible.

You weren't clear about what you want. Whenever that's the case, don't be surprised if things don't go your way. This not only applies to relationships.

You asked for peace, so here is what I would try in your position if I wanted to attain that: First, I would try to assess what happened as clearly and honestly as possible. (The fact that you didn't share the reasons for your breakup, as if it wasn't relevant for the current situation, might indicate that you can do more than what you did so far in that regard.) Then I would try to pinpoint situations in which I could have acted more honestly and more in line with my ideal self. Where could I have improved the conversation about one another's wants and needs and other feelings? Then I would try to reframe the whole thing as an experience that I can learn from. Then I would go on with my life and do the learning. Try to get a good connection to my values and focus on pursuing my goals. Let interactions and connections with people come as they come and happen as they happen, keeping in mind the knowledge I've gained from past experiences.

As long as it doesn't hurt too much, I would consider bringing the other person along this process, if she so wishes, to whatever extent seems beneficial.

And lastly, I would remind myself that humans are strange creatures in a strange universe, in which many things can happen at many times, but ultimately, I'm never really in danger and in the end I can always be fine if I let myself

Thanks a lot!
I was always honest with her, since I always told her my insecurities, my fears and my ideals about love. I was affectionate and very present with her, but at the same time i was VERY insecure about leading this relatinship. She wanted me to be confident and positive about it. But I kept on telling her that this relationship might end badly, and that I was so scared of making mistakes... that's why I was always "ready to leave", like wainting for the moment to be dumped....

Until it happened. She dumped me saying that she's sick of hearing me being scared of potential problems in the couple.
We had a great emotional and sexual connetion but I completely made her paranoid about my confidence of wanting this couple. 
Never cheated, never left her alone, and yet...  I made an emotional mistake.

 

I will go out and interact with new people. And start over again. 
I hope to regain the friendship with her one day

[art]

pickup

[HII]

@billiesimon Where did your insecurity come from? What were you scared of?