Staying in a relationship while dealing with my stuff?

[claireael]

I've been in a relationship with a guy for the past 3.5 years, and after all this time playing hide and seek with my emotions and problems, I "broke down" 2 months ago, left him and our apartment, moved a different house. 

 

I started to feel lonely with him. I wasn’t getting enough attention. I m now realising that, at that stage I have had “forgotten” myself. I blamed it on him. “He” wasn’t giving me enough time, attention, love, care… I now realise I was SO wrong. I wasn’t giving myself that love, attention, understanding. And that is what I was truly lacking. I needed to deal with my own shits, all that stuff that I’ve been swiping under the carpet for a long time (family problems, relationships, sexual harassment, touching base with my emotions and myself)

I think I fear loneliness. By loneliness, I mean “not being loved by the people around me”. Therefore, I am craving any kind of intention, especially male intention. I’ve been cheating on my boyfriends, it made me feel desired, loved, for a short period of time, while hating myself for doing it afterwards. After breaking up with him, I’ve seen another guy and went on a few dates with him, to distract myself of dealing with the real issues lying down there. It reinsured that insecure part  of myself for a moment, but I hated it, I was fully aware of what I was doing, so I ended up leaving him as well. Now, I start to understand how my subconscious has been working for the past years. Now I want to break that pattern. I’ve realised I need to fight that fear of loneliness. 

My boyfriend of 3.5 years made me grow so much, loves me and supports me. He is so aware, stable, emotionally intelligent. He is still around, as understanding, supporting and loving, while I’m dealing with all that self-development. He wants to be there for me, but want a certain sense of “ownership” over me to make sure I won’t go and see other guys (which I really don’t want to). 

I feel I need time, a lot of space, to reconnect with myself, deal with all my problems and past traumas. But I want to invest time and love to also make that relationship work, but there, it is a “me” first. I don’t know what to say to him, because he wants to get back with me while giving me a lot of time and space, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I love him, but can’t deal with the relationship part of the problem right now. 

Any advice please?