Unwell estranged father contacting me

[exhale]

My estranged father is contacting me for the first time in 25 years [he cut off contact with me when I was ~8 years old-- he cut off contact with his entire family, for unknown reasons (to me anyway)].  He is in the hospital, unwell (terminal, likely) and is looking to "contact his kids".  

I am experiencing a tremendous range of emotions ranging from anger, stress/anxiety, compassion, and fear. 

I believed that I had closed the metaphorical book on this relationship many years ago, and rarely had invested any emotional energy into the thought of my father.  I figured I would just hear someday that he died.  

Now, "the ball is in my court" if I want to contact him, and in what capacity (phone call, visit).  I currently live in a different country, which makes logistics difficult.  

Certainly, there is a part of me that wants to meet this man for my own interest sake.  Part of me wants to offer him the opportunity to apologize for his "peace of mind" (not that it has to be accepted).  Part of me wants to not waste another minute thinking about him--why should I be there for him, when he was never there for me.  

He is scheduled for brain surgery for tumor removal this week (I was contact by a family member two days ago about this).  Therefore, I feel this immense pressure to make a decision to contact him or not before the surgery in case it doesn't go well and limits his ability to communicate postoperatively.  Not only do I feel urgency, I am furious that he is (indirectly) making me make this decision on such-short notice.  

I am not sure what to think and what to do.  If anyone has some constructive thoughts, I'd love to hear them. 

 

[Deep]

@exhale Yes contact him but don't become too emotionally invested in him. Listen to his story. 

[Vipassana]

'"How selfless are you capable of being? it all boils down to this. I honestly have no idea how you might be emotionally feeling but here can be one of your biggest opportunity for growth in life. i would think that as years go by you would have that guilt sticking around if you dont see him, specially if you got traces of compassion arising right now. however, if you decide to face the suffering of life head on, open yourself up to this experience regardless of what that means to your identity and end your whole life's worth of unconscious trauma then you will truly gain something that I myself cannot even imagine, Open mindedness is the way to go, whatever that means for you. 

Quote

 "Always do whats emotionally most difficult to do" - Leo Gura

 

(One simple rule for acing life)

 

[Barbarian Number 8]

I would ignore the rushed timeframe that he put on you. Let him know that you come visit after op. If he wants the drama with you running there before op, wish him good luck and goodbye. Why would you be his emotional bandage? He probably fears death by now and will do anything to ease it. That really got nothing to do with you. He does not know you.

Give it a week to normalize after op, then visit. I doubt that will happen thou.

Take the visit as an investigation about your own health. Find out his medical history and look at him and pictures to see how you will age. See if you have more siblings. Check to see about inheretance. Good luck with the "why".

Not much else to be had there.

If it cost too much, I would not bother.

He main goal is to get your forgivness. Sure, give it to him. Just say the words. Then see what value you got for him.

 

I know that I one day will be in your situation, so thats why I replyed to your post. I wish you well.

 

 

[Spiral]

You need to deal with the emotions somehow, speaking with him is probably the easiest and quickest way.

You have been sweeping it under rug so to speak.