Emotionally cold / numb

[Solvinden]

Hey everyone,

I want to discuss how I can change the fact that I'm an emotional cold person.

What do I think is the problem?
1) I distract myself too much (TV,PC,...), resulting in lower body awareness.
2) When I was in high school, I was very addicted to video games, resulting in numbed down emotions.
To a certain degree until now.
3) If I sit in an empty room and ask my heart what it really wants to do, the answer is
sitting/laying down and doing nothing=raising body awareness/allowing repressed emotions.

What do I think is the solution?
1) Making it my highest priority to have high body awareness throughout the whole day
2) Giving myself enough time for meditation and just being in the body
3) Restricting distractions as much as possible

And even though these things feel right and my intuition tells my that I'm on the right way,
I only make little progress (difficult to measure, because of mood swings), 
so that I tend to get unmotivated after a week (+ it's emotionally challenging) because I didn't make much progress (which results in ending up at the starting point after a while).

Somehow, I got the feeling that there are more direct ways to confront my emotions.
If I just do my basic stuff on a day + lots of meditating, it feels on a certain level also like wasting my time,
but how else do I get back the ability to actually wanting to do something which is not related to media.

I give myself several hours a day for feeling my emotions intensively / meditating, but it feels like I
never can satisfy this urge.

Honestly, I'm a bit confused about what I should do and I would be happy about every inspiration.

[Shin]

What is your typical day (no lie) ?

What kind of supressed desires did you identify ?

How does this urge feels ? 

[Solvinden]

Thanks for answering so fast!

1)
Getting up at 10:00, going to the PC watching youtube videos/anime for 1-2h.
Then meditating for 1h and doing 1h for university.
Then talking to family and friends a bit and going afterwards for 1-2h again to the pc wasting time
Afterwards doing some running/martial arts for around 2h.
Then meditating for another hour and doing an hour for university.
Rest of the day wasting at the PC again playing LOL.

Days aren't always that bad. On a regular basis I have also these "perfect days" even though they don't feel perfect (because from my heart I just want to relax/meditate or waste my time at the PC).

2)
My only real desire if I feel deep down and don't let delude myself by shallow illusions, is just being
able to feel emotions like a normal human beeing again, being able to allow my emotions all the time
and beeing effortless present.

In addition, I want to feel passionate about some things again about which "I know" that
I am deep down passionate about (my studies, meeting new people (not too often)+feeling the desire to want a girlfriend and not only wanting one because the idea of a girlfriend is compelling,...)
On a certain level I know that these things can only be truly fulfilling if I solve my main issue.

I also have the desire to let go so that I don't have to confront my feelings anymore which is why gaming is so dangerous for me. (I know that's a "bad" desire.)

3) This urge wants to dive through all these negative emotions that I have surpressed so far with the aim of releasing these emotions if I face them long enough.
This is so important because of I feel how these emotions affect me negatively everywhere in everyday life.

I'm very cold with other people because I don't really feel so much because of I'm so numbed down.
In the last relationship it was also very painful for me to see how my girlfriend suffers under it and in general how it affects my reputation massively.

[Shin]

Oh I have lots of experience with wasting my time, I'll probably be able to help you there  

Edited February 8, 2018 by Shin

[Solvinden]

Well, I'm open for each kind of advice.

[Shin]

1 hour ago, Solvinden said:

Thanks for answering so fast!

1)
Getting up at 10:00, going to the PC watching youtube videos/anime for 1-2h.
Then meditating for 1h and doing 1h for university.
Then talking to family and friends a bit and going afterwards for 1-2h again to the pc wasting time
Afterwards doing some running/martial arts for around 2h.
Then meditating for another hour and doing an hour for university.
Rest of the day wasting at the PC again playing LOL.

Days aren't always that bad. On a regular basis I have also these "perfect days" even though they don't feel perfect (because from my heart I just want to relax/meditate or waste my time at the PC).

2)
My only real desire if I feel deep down and don't let delude myself by shallow illusions, is just being
able to feel emotions like a normal human beeing again, being able to allow my emotions all the time
and beeing effortless present.

In addition, I want to feel passionate about some things again about which "I know" that
I am deep down passionate about (my studies, meeting new people (not too often)+feeling the desire to want a girlfriend and not only wanting one because the idea of a girlfriend is compelling,...)
On a certain level I know that these things can only be truly fulfilling if I solve my main issue.

I also have the desire to let go so that I don't have to confront my feelings anymore which is why gaming is so dangerous for me. (I know that's a "bad" desire.)

3) This urge wants to dive through all these negative emotions that I have surpressed so far with the aim of releasing these emotions if I face them long enough.
This is so important because of I feel how these emotions affect me negatively everywhere in everyday life.

I'm very cold with other people because I don't really feel so much because of I'm so numbed down.
In the last relationship it was also very painful for me to see how my girlfriend suffers under it and in general how it affects my reputation massively.

Is your lack of energy chronic ?

For how long have you felt "numbed down" ?

[Solvinden]

Yeah, it's chronic. If I do the "right things", as mentioned above, for a while, then this state tends to get on average a little better too.

"Numbed down" I felt pretty much always, but it got worse over time.

Around 3 years ago when I left home and moved in my student apartment, it got worse.

And when I started playing computer games excessively in puberty, it got much worse.

But I think, that since early childhood I have the habit to distract myself from my emotions.

[Shin]

How many times to you jerk off per day ?

@Solvinden Private message if you're incomfortable to answer  

Edited February 8, 2018 by Shin

[Solvinden]

On a daily basis, but it depends.

I was already doing NoFap (best 72 days) and there were some behaviour changes (being more active towards women).

But all in all, that alone was not creating enormus changes. Nevertheless, it had defnitely a positve impact on me, even though it's difficult to stay abstinent for so long.

 

[Shin]

3 minutes ago, Solvinden said:

On a daily basis, but it depends.

I was already doing NoFap (best 72 days) and there were some behaviour changes (being more active towards women).

But all in all, that alone was not creating enormus changes. Nevertheless, it had defnitely a positve impact on me, even though it's difficult to stay abstinent for so long.

 

Ok then you should see a specialist, first medical, and if nothing can be found, a shrink.
Could be a lot of things.

Did you take the life purpose course ?
Maybe it's a problem of passion, maybe what you think is a passion now isn't anymore, and just a habit (you didn't specify what that was).
I would still see specialists just to be sure though.

Concerning stopping to waste so much time on video games/anime/shows, there is this post:

Quote

You will drop it totally at some point.

Don't worry it will happen, if you keep being aware of how time consuming it is, and how shallow it is comparing to live and play the real game of life, it's only a matter of time.

It's only been two weeks that I finally stopped playing them.
For the first time ever I know I'm not going to go back, just like it happened with porn or masturbation, it just happened, like the decision was made for me.
I don't know how to explain it differently, you will just know it intuitively.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to stop it consciously, It's an important part of the process, but what's more important is to be conscious of how it is bad for you when it happens.

Personally I tried many many times to do it, but I just kept buying a new pc, a new console, or just reinstalling games if I wasn't dedicated enough to sold the pc.
I wasted thousands of $ on Hearthstone, I deleted my account several time because I knew it wasn't what I was really supposed to be doing, just to create a new account and waste hundreds again.

So hold on, you'll do it, it's just a matter of time and dedication  

 

Can you describe this feeling of "dumbed down" in depth plz ?

Like really in-depth.

 

 

 

[Solvinden]

I already visited a doctor.
He says everything looks perfect.

In addition, I also don't believe that it is a physical problem.

Well, basically this feeling of numbness is a collection of so many intense emotions that
I don't feel much anymore as a defense mechanism. I can feel how my muscles in the stomach area
are always tensed up and that I can't release that tension. If I do, I can feel how strong emotions are
coming and I tense up automatically again. I think it would be very helpful if I could bypass this mechanism.

I think this tension/resistance is what is making this state so uncofortable.

In addition, I have from time to time phases of deep peace, resulting from the meditation praxis
and the occasionally occuring massive release of emotions. But in the end, in the long run I get back
to the original level of bad emotions.

Honestly, I don't know if I described it detailed enough.

[Shin]

13 minutes ago, Solvinden said:

I already visited a doctor.
He says everything looks perfect.

In addition, I also don't believe that it is a physical problem.

Well, basically this feeling of numbness is a collection of so many intense emotions that
I don't feel much anymore as a defense mechanism. I can feel how my muscles in the stomach area
are always tensed up and that I can't release that tension. If I do, I can feel how strong emotions are
coming and I tense up automatically again. I think it would be very helpful if I could bypass this mechanism.

I think this tension/resistance is what is making this state so uncofortable.

In addition, I have from time to time phases of deep peace, resulting from the meditation praxis
and the occasionally occuring massive release of emotions. But in the end, in the long run I get back
to the original level of bad emotions.

Honestly, I don't know if I described it detailed enough.

Continue to describe if you can, because if this was already there before you start to meditate or to be conscious of your thoughts, it's kind of strange.

It sounds like what I had before starting actualized.org, I've been disconnected from people from an early age, and at school I was bullied from time to time, also mostly alone 95% of the time, does that sounds familiar or not ?

 

 

Edited February 8, 2018 by Shin

[Solvinden]

Sounds very familiar, it was basically the same for me!

Before meditation, I wasn't even fully aware of this problem.
I thought, if I find a girlfriend, then everything will be better. Or If I find
the courage to meet with new people more frequently.
By meditating I realized my true problem and that it is already lasting way longer.

Like I said, because of this feeling is a collection of lots of feelings, it is very difficult to give it one label.
For example, I have the strong intuition if I would just follow my higher self (or becoming a zen monk) without doing things actively, I
would solve my problem.
I think this feeling became first really problematic in high school when I had the strong need to get
a girlfriend. The feeling was that I could never get a girlfriend.

Nowadays, it's still similar. One big motivation for getting my feelings right is to finally collect
beautiful experiences with several women.
I had a girlfriend and in my last vacations I had sex with several girls, but it did not feel good and I know it will
be awesome if my emotions are pure.
So basically, I wait for these emotions to be purified for being able to take action.
And no, talking to girls if your emotionality is shity is a very bad idea. 
I talked over the years to over 1000 girls and it felt like hard work and I didn't have much success.

If I think about it, this feeling also stems a bit from the addiction to media.

While writing this, I also get the new feeling, that maybe and just maybe, the problem isn't
too complicated and one could find an easier solution. In other circumstances, maybe
I wouldn't care at all about these feelings. On the other hand, I really want to be euhphoric and
share these emotions with the humans around me, which I feel I can't do with my current state of emotions.

PS: I don't get the pic.

[Shin]

My claim: You buried all your negative emotions from your past trauma inside, and now they aren't allowing you to feel emotions naturally.

They are in your subconscious and like you said you can't even feel them most of the time, it's more like a subtle and consistent pain in your stomach .

You never feel really alive, whatever you do, it's hard for you to genuinely smile, it's like there is no positive emotions that could come out of you, you don't even remember what it is to be happy or joyful, let alone to love (and you wonder if you ever knew).

You are always stressed, and anxious too (maybe not much, but you do).

 

Is that it ?

Or do I assume some things here ?

Edited February 8, 2018 by Shin

[Solvinden]

Yep, basically that's it!

[Shin]

Ok so I don't know the diagnosis, but since it's exactly the same symptoms as me I can tell you what I did.
I basically did what you're doing with meditation.

Maybe you're not doing this though:
Everytime I have a though I "watch" it and try not to identify with it, which result in almost no identification to any thoughts.
That means that if I get sad, there is sadness but no me to be sad.
If I'm acting like a an asshole, there is just assholery, I'm witnessing the reaction only.
I basically did that all the time, everyday, and now there is still thoughts (can't get rid of them), but there is almost never an identification of them.
It helps because if you witness anger or pain, you release it at the same time.

Other thing I did, everything that I know that scars me, I imagine that I had to face it in my mind (like once a week for 30 minutes).
It's the most frustrating and scary exercice I know, but it dissolve a lot of negative energy from you.
You basically imagine the scenario, then you focus on the emotion that appear, not the scenario, not the thought.
If the emotion goes away, you imagine again the scene, and focus only on the emotion again.

Check my signature, there is a post that will help you with what you have.

I still think you should see a psychologist, there may be things we overlooked, and I'm not a professional  

 

 

Edited February 8, 2018 by Shin

[Solvinden]

Okay, thanks, I'll try.

In addition, there are some thing that I know I can do better. I'll change these too.

[Solvinden]

I think I'm missing something.

I was disciplined about my practice and still felt so numb and not making progress. Then I was talking to some kind of ex-girlfriend for around 2 hours and now I'm much more emotional than I was before doing so. (Even though doing body awareness and lots of meditation).

I have these experiences often, but not always. Same when I'm doing martial arts.

I think I don't get something.

[Rudolflores]

Hello S. It seems to me that you hit the "nail on the head" when you initially outlined what the major contributing factors were to this state of numbness. Perhaps it would be as simple as a reallocation of the time you spend engaging in what you sited as issues for you.                                                            The more time spent on one activity will naturally decrease the amount of time available for others and therefore the feelings derived from one to the other will also shift.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    From the traditional standpoint that "Practice makes Perfect", whatever we practice, whether it's stereo-typically negative or positive (regardless of whether it is conscious or unconscious) we will eventually get "perfect" at it. But just because we get "perfect" at one mode of being doesn't mean that we can't become "perfect" at another way of being, even if it is in a way that appears to be an opposite mode.

Perhaps consistently spending more time being "of service" in some way and less time on what you consider to be numbing activities will do the trick.

Although potentially irritating and seemingly (especially in the "heavy" topic realm) counter intuitive, the answers to our problems are often way more simple than we think they should be. 

Rudolf