Am I an indelicate communicator?

[Phill]

How important do you guys think it is necessary to communicate things in a proper smooth way?

What I mean with that is, often times I am very honest and too straight forward with whatever I say, and sometimes people get hurt my hearing the truth.

Here is a example of that:

My girlfriend have issues financially speaking, she does manage to barely pay her bills and whatever little money is left she spend with junk food and woman stuff. She also do not invest her free time to learn something, like reading a book, or investing money in a course, to evolve at something, so she can change her life for the better somehow.

There was a day we were in the market buying stuff, and she started complaining about of how hard her financial life is, and this is very repetitive, then, I right away told her: "All that complaining won't change your life, instead you should invest your energy thinking and working to improve your financial situation instead of playing the victim, If you don't take responsibility for it, if you don't save money, if you don't invest part of your free time mastering something, how do you expect it to change?"

She right away replied: "Oh so I cant' complain anymore?" I said "Well you can, but what does exactly does that accomplish in your financial life?" 

She does get mad when I call her a victim, so I usually try to avoid saying that, but I did say that, my fault here.

Now I was wondering, am I being an asshole for saying things like that? Am I being too insensitive? If so how I should have communicated that? Should I just listen next time? Maybe I should be less judgmental?

Like I am genuinely looking to improve that is why I am asking this because I do not know if I am too honest with what I say, or if people can't hear the truth, or both, I just can't see to find a middle ground here, does that make sense? Maybe I am telling her what I want her to become for my own egoic desires? Am I too fanatic of my own ideas?

 

Here is a phrase I've read somewhere a while ago:

"People play roles and do politics, they are so used to hearing lies, brutal sincerity will shock them and make you look arrogant" 

 

What do you think? Any books/videos you'd recommend?

 

 

 

[Rebec]

You're not an indelicate communicator.

When you (start to) self-actualize, there is a (ego)-need to help yourself as well as others in the process. It has really helped me to realize I can't help or give advice to others. 

So I stopped, no more advice to others, no helping others, no more opinions of others. Just let it be. Crazy thing happened; people stopped being a victim around me or telling me about it. When people actually want advice or help, they will ask and it will be genuine. 

So relax, sit back and observe. Good luck!

Edited February 6, 2018 by Rebec

[Phill]

@Rebec Could you please explain further what exactly made you realize you can't help or give advice to others? I want that insight you had!

 

[Rebec]

First, grasping or wanting to have something is resisting your current (ego)mindstate. “What you resist, persists”. So sit back, relax and observe (your mind).

Meditate / Self inquire / Pounder over (or whatever your preference is; watch Leo - How to get started with self actualization for other techniques) what are you gaining when you’re giving advice or help others. Do NOT accept some bullsh*t answer from your mind. You want to deal with the root, so take your time and be brutally self honest. Remember in every situation you are involved or you act in, you’re gaining something.

If you get stuck, try ‘the Work’ by Byron Katie (apply on those examples you mention above, to find the root). Worksheet free availible from her website. Watch some YouTube videos to become accustomed with this technique.

When you feel that your problems come from your childhood, try innerchild work / shadow work (Google for techniques or watch YouTube videos). I personally prefer a more spiritual innerchild technique. My favorite is ‘the Completion Process’ by Teal Swan. Watch YouTube video from Teal Swan - the Completion Process, to see how it works or read her book, also called the Completion Process.

Then read this powerfull quote by Eckhart Tolle - from the book the New Earth. <quote> You can’t expect things from the universe. The universe can’t make you feel safe, fulfull you, make you happy or tell you who you are. <end quote>. Connect the dots with the feelings and thoughts from the inquiry process above. There should be a link ;).

If old habits after this process still arises, try making a triggerpoint in your head, by giving it a name. For instance you notice you’re giving advice to someone. Do not judge yourself, but name it like ‘advice’ or ‘helping’. 

Edited February 7, 2018 by Rebec

[SOUL]

When someone isn't ready, open or seeking to grow there isn't much anyone else can do or say to inspire or motivate them to want it. If your portrayal is accurate it is why she prefers to just complain about it instead of become active in working to transform it. Unfortunately, when you talk about it she sees it from the perspective of someone not wanting to do it so it's negatively received even if it's positively intended from you.

By you speaking on it is likely a reminder of her choice to do as she does and not to change it so it adds to the inner angst she is thinking and feeling. Until she is ready to genuinely address it any input will be viewed with a negative bias that will make it difficult to bring about lasting change in her behavior and probably result in more uncomfortable circumstances and 'indelicate' conversations.

Edited February 7, 2018 by SOUL

[Ocean]

Remember show and tell?

Telling people of your new toy didn't amount to much, but showing them, and then telling about it ,that was something we could grasp.

In money matters, show her (that goes for everything else in life too).

Tell her you're going to save up for something 'but you keep spending the money/need more organisation' - So "i heard this thing" and went to the bank and created a new savings account (just for that toy/experience), and that every month you'll be putting a few bits of money into it. Call the account something cool, like "SkyDiving Account"

Outside sources are better than personal ones to justify it - more agreeable apparently.

"I read this..." or "Friend x did this" and you're copying it. Gives her permission to copy too, plus gives value to outside learning at the same time which seems important to you.

This is different level of communication and it won't be manipulative if you're really doing it for yourself first and others second. If it's important to them, they'll copy, if not they won't, but at least you're be saving up for that thing and have something fun to look forward too.

[Nahm]

@Phill SIlence says more in that situation. If you say something, it’s actually confusing to her, because to her, now it’s about you and her. If you just don’t say anything, and keep yourself feelin fine (no animosity) she’ll feel the gravity of her complaining. In the big picture, I feel for ya. When they won’t move forward, and you don’t want to go on without them that life gets pretty interesting.

[Rebec]

17 minutes ago, Ocean said:

Remember show and tell?

Telling people of your new toy didn't amount to much, but showing them, and then telling about it ,that was something we could grasp.

Great example @Ocean !

[h inandout]

I would advise her to seek out support from her girlfriends and perhaps a therapist or coach, whatever feels right to her.  You are not capable of holding the space for her to unfold the repressed and frustrated aspects of her being.  You do not understand her struggles, and your advice to her will bring you endless conflict.  Please acknowledge to her that you are not the right person to give advice, but that she deserves support, nonetheless.  If she starts to complain again, just say, I hear you and I'm here with you.  And simply love her for who she is, and for giving you a touch of girl drama for you entertainment.   She is lovely, no matter her money situation, no matter her psychological situation.  Just enjoy her for being who she is, no need to change her.

[snowleopard]

@Phill Be a clear and constant example of the change you desire to see ... like the northern star, ever-silent, others will either seek it out and follow it, or not, if they are so inclined. 

[Joseph Maynor]

Sometimes being blunt has its place.  Let your Wisdom in the moment guide you.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[h inandout]

Maybe next time you catch her without makeup and in her I-don't-care-today clothing, look into her eye let her know just how beautiful you think she is as she is.

[Shin]

Critizing a woman never works, you either love her as she is, or change the girl.
You're the influence in the relationship, she's supposed to pick up your habits and be genuinely interested on how you live and grow in your life.

If she doesn't, then she probably won't for a very long time, if ever.
So you have to choose to live with this girl, or not, it's the only real choice you have here.