Can't Recover After Breakup

[Prozhanchi]

Hello everyone!

I don't quite sure that this post belongs to this forum, so I'm sorry if it's unrelated.

I'm 17, a highschool student in my final year. for the past 3-4 years I've been quite unhappy. I don't know why, just life in general has been stressful to me and I haven't found a real passion in life or an ambition.

So about a year and a half ago I fell in-love with a girl from my class. Suddenly life has become a lot more alive and fun, but also a lot more stressful and full of anxiety, obsession, and suffering, I am an introvert, so making a move with this girl was a big challenge for me and I didn't do anything about it. This whole situation began right before summer break, and because I didn't ask for her number or anything, the whole vacation I spent alone in my house. During that time I began to feel depressed and I really regretted not doing anything about this girl. School began again and I started feeling better because I got to see her again. To make it brief, most of that year was full of suffering, jealousy, obsession, and stress, but I also felt really happy and joyful when she payed attention to me and talked to me(btw she is quite shy aswell). This was the time I found out about enlightenment and non-duality and I thought that it would be the solution to my problem. Anyway, in the last month of school we started to talk more and we started to talk on the phone and eventually hung out with each other and date. I felt like I was dreaming, finally my dream came true to be with this girl. This was the best period of my life in a while. I thought that I found my true love. I really loved her.

But something happened and after two months of being together during the summer break, she broke up with me. I was really devastated. I couldn't eat for a week, she was always on my mind. This was one of the worst time in my life. Then school started again after the summer break and it was horrible. I was really suffering and I didn't know what to do because I've been seeing her almost every day since then.

Now, almost 7 months later, I still suffer a lot because of this. Maybe it because I'm young or because she was my first girlfriend, but this suffering is too much. She was my first real love and I just can't recover from it. I still genuinely believe that I can only be happy with her and that we need to get back, but that wouldn't solve anything. I really want to change this core belief about my happiness, but I just can't get out of it. The non-dual teaching and enlightenment doesn't really work for me with this subject. I ask for your advice of this matter and what do you thing should I do about it. I want to stop suffering...

 

Thanks in advance for everything

[xXxXx]

Hey,

This is your real problem:

"I'm 17, a highschool student in my final year. for the past 3-4 years I've been quite unhappy. I don't know why, just life in general has been stressful to me and I haven't found a real passion in life or an ambition."

Key issue i see here is: you have no relationship with yourself, play the victim, therefore you tape yourself onto other human beings. Try to discover yourself and be happy with your company, girls will come and go, don't depend on that, no healthy woman on earth will ever fall for dependency. Work your ass off for yourself by working out and gaining exceptional skills, realize that nobody is going to rescue you, you stand by your own. If you learn this simple last sentence now - with 17 - you have all chances in your life, i would eat a truckload of shit just to have the chance to teach this to myself as i was 17.

Also listen and re-listen Leo's stuff on happiness, playing the victim and relationships, helped me and it will help you.

[ZenMonkey]

Maybe this can help you:

 

If it does check out his other videos, he adresses a lot of your problems.

 

[Rocky]

I'm also 17 turning 18  and have been in many relationships already, and probably know what you did as this is was your first relationship 

And I'm guessing  from the fact you mentioned being dependent on this girl and that  and it happening during the summer break is that you probably gave her too much attention probably messaging and hanging about with her 24/7, I used to do the same and honestly girls get bored of you if you give them too much attention, and they hate it when a guy depends on them,  if you weren't with her you would have probably gotten friend-zoned through giving her way too much attention and needing her, i did that in my first few relationships and that's what my friends still do now, but  what you need to do now  though to get over the breakup is accept that you messed up somehow and use what happened as a learning experience so that you know what you need to do better in you're next relationship whether that be with her or another girl.

[Blessed81]

I have been in your shoes we all have.  You really are lucky to be into self help at your age, so be very thankful.  I am 34 and barely started this stuff a year or two ago.  You should really adopt the name "coach corey wayne" into your vocab.  He is like the Leo of dating and relationships.  Check out some of his videos he has thousands on youtube.  And then read his book, omg it has changed my life forever.

 I can tell you probably smothered this girl and scared her right off.  Girls need to have a chase to stay interested, if you catch yourself texting all day instead of making plans to hang out, you are doing it all wrong.  They need to wonder about you, that creates attraction.  Go watch some of his videos and move on to the next, possibly ask your ex if shed like to go out on a date, if not, move on.  Get out there and date, trust me youre gonna have tons more ladies in your life, nothing is meant to last. 

[Shantanu]

Hi @Prozhanchi,

What generally happens is we think other person is unfair to us, he/she should not treat me like they did. 

Whole problem with this assumption is that, out mind deceives ourself very much here.  No matter how hard you try, you can't control or question thoughts and feeling of other person. They did what they have to do. You don't have to take responsibility of their action, only yours. 

 

What helped me is following:

Talk to a person and tell them how bad you felt, how much you were hurt.

If that is hard, you can just write a mail to them. Make it big and include everything. Don't accuse next person for anything. Just share what you felt. 

Then, the end tell them that you forgive them for this. And you wish them well. Tell this in person and write it at the end of mail. 

Move on after doing this.

Now whenever that person's thought pop up in your mind, repeat that, I forgive [Tina] and I wish her well. This will bring down negative thoughts and emotions in you.

 

Also remember that, by forgiving someone, you are not letting next person go free or you are not devaluing yourself. You are only freeing yourself and valuing yourself more. You can still hold next person accountable for their actions. But you are choosing not to be attached with them or their thoughts hereafter. 

[Vlad Sandu]

I have the same problem. Took me years to get over it. She found another guy and moved on. You must do the same. No matter how hard you suffer, just take it as a lesson and try learning about attraction and how women's mind work. You got Leo's videos. Follow it step by step and you are done. There is not a lot of philosophy in this subject.

I still suffer from my last break-up, but I understand that I deserve a better girl, as I develop myself. Good luck my friend!