Open relationship :)

[Shin]

https://www.self.com/story/open-relationship-stories-rules-questions-people-ask-me

 

After reading this article, I'll definitely try it.

Will be hard and scary at first, but I think it's more in lign with our true nature as human being.

Most of us aren't made to have sex and love only one person for the rest of our lives.

Just look honestly around you, it's not just about the ego being a mess ...

 

Edit: of course there is way more to read, just google it

Edited February 5, 2018 by Shin

[Sri Ramana Maharshi]

1 hour ago, Shin said:

https://www.self.com/story/open-relationship-stories-rules-questions-people-ask-me

 

After reading this article, I'll definitely try it.

Will be hard and scary at first, but I think it's more in lign with our true nature as human being.

Most of us aren't made to have sex and love only one person for the rest of our lives.

Just look honestly around you, it's not just about the ego being a mess ...

 

Edit: of course there is way more to read, just google it

Yeah...open relationships. My wife and I tried that way back around 1999, and at the time there was a little of community of "followers" listening to and believeing everything we said, and a little "cult" started stacking up around my rantings. Girls wanted to have sex with me to "go deeper" and half the guys did too. In the end we were too immature to handle it, only being in our 20's, etc. Little boys and girls.

Lots of people got hurt and friendships ended. I didn't know I had accidentally become a cult leader, kind of like what is happening with Leo and the mindless immature dolts here. I'm still with my wife now, because she has the integrity of 1000 humans. We were true to our ideals and strong, and we got the insights, so in the end it was worth it. Guess you have to decide. Part of growing up. I still don't think anyone should live in a box, but I live in a lifestyle that has been essentially "monogamy" for the last 17 years or so. We don't enforce it, it's just what we have chosen within the non-restrictive openess of "freedom".

You have to find out on your own what makes you happy, and perhaps experiment. Good luck!

M

Edited February 5, 2018 by Sri Ramana Maharshi
spelling

[SgtPepper]

There are pros and cons to both relationship styles and everyone is different. I much prefer monogamy because I am possessive and jealous which is something author said she struggled with.

[Sri Ramana Maharshi]

23 minutes ago, SgtPepper said:

There are pros and cons to both relationship styles and everyone is different. I much prefer monogamy because I am possessive and jealous which is something author said she struggled with.

Weeel, if you are identifying with possessive-ness and jealousy (animal defilements) as solid and unchangable personality traits, then it is likely that you are incapable of a mature healthy relationship with anyone....monogomous or not. But I had to go through it all before I learned to quit being jealous, and it was the time between age 18-27 or so, so it's not like I was a fast learner. It's easy to look back nearly 20 years later and see it as cake.  Good luck brother.

[Shin]

Jealousy and possessiveness are there because we see a gf/bf as a sort of belonging, an alive object of ours ...

We tend to «lock» our relationship by fear of it breaking if we don't, but does that even work ?

Look at some stats for break up/divorce, it just clearly doesn't.

 

[Elisabeth]

Unfortunately, I haven't read it, but I've heard good things about this book 

https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Fair-Nonmonogamy-Thorntree-Fundamentals/dp/1944934383

Have fun. 

[Shin]

2 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

Unfortunately, I haven't read it, but I've heard good things about this book 

https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Fair-Nonmonogamy-Thorntree-Fundamentals/dp/1944934383

Have fun. 

Care to share your experience ?

[Elisabeth]

57 minutes ago, Shin said:

Care to share your experience ?

Of open relationships?

I think you're heading in a bit of a different direction than me. The article you linked states "This is our primary relationship. We make a point not to spend too much time with secondary partners. We can, and sometimes do become friends with them, especially if they hang around for a couple years, but we have to cut it off if it becomes more than that." I guess that's kind of a defining trait of an open relationship (vs. polyamory), but I think I can't do sex without being in a stable long-term intimate relationship. Well, I've tried (minus the PIV part anyway), and I tend to fall in love like immediately, so I'm more careful now. 

I'm in a relationship with a polyamorous man, a 'V' shape. I must say it's been a rough ride - I didn't choose to build this arrangement from the outset. I fell in love with him and thought it would be just an affair to end after a few months - but it just didn't. (Don't do it like me, kids! ;)) His other partner knew about me from the outset, but originally they agreed more on a bdsm-play thing, so as we've moved towards more commitment, she's having a hard time too. But all of us choose to accept the situation as it is over breaking up, so we're working towards non-hierarchical poly. I refuse to live with his other partner, so he'll have to be dividing his time; but we want to live next doors if at all possible. 

Polyamory has turned my value system concerning relationships upside down. It's been an exercise in personal boundaries, compassion, accepting people as they are, but most of all asking me to evaluate my REAL needs in a relationship. 

As for the 'open' part, not confining sexuality totally into one relationship certainly is fun. We've done some tantra where touchy exercises are done with different partners. I'm (mostly) not jealous of that, I can be glad that my partner is having a good time. At bdsm parties we're pretty exhibitionist, and again, it's fun. I'd also like to do some shibari (which is our great hobby) with others, but usually I don't because I'm shy to ask for it. 

If I do monogamy again, it certainly won't be the same monogamy as before. I've learned that although (for me) it's best to cultivate sexuality with a long-term partner, desire cannot be stuffed into a box.

So my message would be: choose compatible partners who share your vision of relationships, but be open to surprises anyway. Otherwise ... enjoy the ride! For some people it's natural and effortless. 

Edited February 5, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Shin]

@Elisabeth You post triggered me numerous time, 

Thank you

[Elisabeth]

9 minutes ago, Shin said:

@Elisabeth You post triggered me numerous time, 

Thank you

As it must be. You're welcome. Visit the polyamory.com forum if you head that direction. Or drop me a pm. I don't know what sites are there for open/swinger type relationships. 

[Shin]

4 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

 

1 hour ago, Elisabeth said:

As it must be. You're welcome. Visit the polyamory.com forum if you head that direction. Or drop me a pm. I don't know what sites are there for open/swinger type relationships. 

I don't even know if I'm mature enough for a classic relationship yet, but thank you

[Elisabeth]

14 minutes ago, Shin said:

I don't even know if I'm mature enough for a classic relationship yet, but thank you

I've been thinking about maturity while writing my post.  But I don't see a problem, as long as you approach this with compassion and full disclosure,. You're willing to learn, that's why you are here. Previous experience with relationships certainly helps, but there are also a lot of people opening long-term marriages and failing spectacularly with non-monogamy because they still haven't learned the skills and have walled themselves in into their particular set of bad habits. Starting with the intention to be non-mononogamous right away --- you will likely get a steeper and more intense learning curve. You'll know sooner what you want from relationships. However, it will take a significant amount of time to sort all the stuff out. If relationships are a distraction to you (not my approach, obviously, but I still hesitate to search for a second partner due to time and energy reasons), monogamy is the path of least resistance. 

[Shin]

@Elisabeth I'll most likely won't have the time for more than one gf (if any) and some fun on the side like once or twice a month.

Next 5 years will be pretty busy 

[aurum]

22 hours ago, Shin said:

Just look honestly around you, it's not just about the ego being a mess ...

What's funny is that ego is actually what stops many people from living this kind of lifestyle. Either they're following their conditioning that says monogamy = the only answer, or their self-worth is tied up in their partners validation. Then they shame others who don't feel that way because it highlights their own fears.

[SgtPepper]

On 2/5/2018 at 0:08 AM, Sri Ramana Maharshi said:

Weeel, if you are identifying with possessive-ness and jealousy (animal defilements) as solid and unchangable personality traits, then it is likely that you are incapable of a mature healthy relationship with anyone....monogomous or not. But I had to go through it all before I learned to quit being jealous, and it was the time between age 18-27 or so, so it's not like I was a fast learner. It's easy to look back nearly 20 years later and see it as cake.  Good luck brother.

I think possession and jealousy are natural aspects of a human being. If I stole or used your phone, car, or computer (possessions) without permission, I am pretty sure you'd be upset with my actions. Then on top of that, I do not value a human being like a phone or a computer. 

It is possible, I could let go of my need for security and possession, but monogamy is bigger than that to me. It's about creating a secure family system for children as well. It is about respecting what you have with another person. Giving yourself 100% to your partner, building up that commitment and love for each other. I think that is more beautiful than being lustful for other people.

OP's point was that it was more natural to be in an open relationships. I am saying it is more akin to my nature to be monogamous because I am naturally possessive and would get jealous. Not saying owning or possession of anything actually exists though in absolute reality.

On 2/5/2018 at 4:47 AM, Shin said:

Jealousy and possessiveness are there because we see a gf/bf as a sort of belonging, an alive object of ours ...

We tend to «lock» our relationship by fear of it breaking if we don't, but does that even work ?

Look at some stats for break up/divorce, it just clearly doesn't.

 

Jealousy and possessiveness is not wanting lose the intimacy and commitment one has with a partner. It is not so much about ME, it is about US. It's also understanding that intimacy with that one partner is very special and valuable, not something to be shared. Sex is different to people. To me it is an intimate connection.

Stats on breakup/divorce are 50/50; however, we would have to explore why people are getting divorced. For example, I have read it somewhere, but I am pretty sure the number one reason couples get into fights is financial reasons. In addition, people cheat because their partner are not addressing their sexual needs, hence the couple is not a good fit because they are not communicating well and not synchronizing well. 

These are, of course, my values. I encourage people to follow what is in their hearts.

I mean, yeah, my dick says have sex with everything that moves, but my heart says develop a high-quality relationship an awesome woman.

I am biased as well as my parents have been married for 30+ years and I am grateful they provided such a stable family life for me. I want to follow the same path, not because I'm conditioned, but because I see the inherent value of it. 

 

EDIT: just be clear, I understand monogamy may not be for everyone. Follow your heart.

Edited February 7, 2018 by SgtPepper
Elaboration

[Shin]

@SgtPepper I feel the same way as you, but If I'm honest, I can't say I really know if that's what I really want ...

As long as there is fear, how can we really know that ?

Edited February 7, 2018 by Shin

[SgtPepper]

1 hour ago, Shin said:

@SgtPepper I feel the same way as you, but If I'm honest, I can't say I really know if that's what I really want ...

and that okay! I wasn't sure I wanted it either for years, and have only come to this strong conclusion 1-2 years ago. It takes time and I have faith you will come to know what is right for you too! I just wanted to reply to this topic because it has crossed my mind before hehe. 

[cavedraw1]

seeing the topic of "polyamory"here. 

I personally have been working on a writing which I call "Terrace"..for about 4 years now..(currently the manuscript is about 1500 hand written pages).The main theme being a" polyandry" relationship, with three main characters, "Jodi" a widowed, 45 year old success-ful internationally known fine artist,whom's husband(was killed in a tragic accident as a commerial pilot,5 years prior) Jodi and her husband always wishing to have a child,yet where never able.  "William" a young(35) ,handsome black E.R doctor,(heterosexual),  "Michael"(myself)...35 year old carpenter/part-time Artist's model(Fem-male,berdache type)publicly heterosexual appearance(most about myself, in writing is based on truth)

      I found so far in writing/conceiving, how it might actually work ? many Questions presented themselves.
          1. For Jodi,William and Michael to live in a F/M/M, relationship what needed to be in the recipe ?.
                A. very self-Actualized, thus , very highly free from "Jealously"-(EGO)

                B. In the writing, William and Michael have been friends since childhood,and through the years have explored among many things,their sexual selves(William is 100% heterosexual,yet very much accepts Michael as nearly 100% psychologically effeminate,sexually William often plays role as man with Michael as fem-male.

                C. Michael first meets Jodi ,through his nude modeling for a Life drawing study group(I actually have been a model since 1997).Jodi asks Michael to model for her personally at her home,thus they develop a non-sexual,yet very loving relationship.

                 D. Soon Michael introduces Jodi and William...the story then begins in the context as "Polyandry"

                        note.(if your really truly interested in this topic, are very open-minded,I would say fairly highly self actualized..I have a web blog of which I have a section devoted to writing "Terrace"....http://michaelemeryart.zohosites.com/  (nsfw)

[cirkussmile]

Look at nature. Some animals fuck around like dogs (including dogs) and some stay togheter until death. 

Humans have the tendency to stay togheter for a very long time. Only ignorance and false expectations can end relationships but until then we enjoy one partner. 

If we believe that others can make us happy then it's also easy to believe in multiple partners.

There's nothing more beautiful in this world than the expression of a loving couple that are committed to their own happiness but still make the relationship work. 

[RawJudah]

Just read ‘The Rational Male’ by Rollo Tomassi 

explains everything about relationships, and personally I don’t think long term relationships actually work. We get bored of each other and like other people.

also the trick is to never marry. It’s more beneficial for society than it is for people.