In Absolute Desperation About My Depression (MDD)

[Shir]

Hello Everyone, 

First off, thank you to any and all kind souls reading this right now. I would gladly appreciate your thoughts on my situation, no matter how short or long. Please comment if you can because I think I'm at my wits end, to be honest. I just have no idea what to do anymore.

I don't want to make this too long, but for reference sake - I'm a lady in her mid 20's (25 basically), single, a virgin, been suffering from Depression for years now. Been in Therapy for literally the past 6 months, have chosen to NOT medicate myself (despite being asked to many times - and never had been before), been dealing with very strong feelings and emotions of suicidal thoughts. Especially the past 2 weeks (have been suicidal in general for about 4+ years). I consider myself Spiritual, not religious. I feel like I honestly have no emotional support system, other than from my own Therapist. 

As a Psychology student actually studying the topic of abnormal psychology recently, I had the chance to further understand where I stand in regards to my depression. I basically found out that I suffer from MDD (Major Depression Disorder) and thankfully, my Therapist said so himself on our last session (about time tbh, was a relief). He was always against labels, so hearing him confirm this was a major breakthrough for me.

I have gotten to a point where, I feel like I don't care anymore. In the most neutral yet sad sense of the word. I feel like I don't care anymore about school (University/my education), about a career, about a job, about having a relationship (never had a real one), about having kids, about having a social life (have been lonely for months and lost all the love or pleasure I had in going out with my gf's, literally does nothing for me anymore). I have no motivation anymore and I don't know what to do really. 

My Therapist advised to me to take responsibility of my life, which I respect and understand. I feel like I know what I SHOULD do, but I just don't really care deep down when I really think about it. It's gotten so bad at times that I'm literally just laying in bed in this emotional pain that feels like white noise in my soul...like I cannot even feel my emotions anymore, I cannot even FEEL MYSELF. I just lay there, not being able to even cry or open my mouth to speak or even drink water (despite being SO thirsty). I feel like I'm losing my humanity and everything that made me...me. I feel like I had such BIG dreams about becoming a Clinical Psychologist and despite that never going to come true, I settled with wanting to become a Therapist instead. I feel like THAT sustained me for a long while, having such dreams...and yet I feel like everything fell apart. Like, no matter how big or how passionate I am about my dream, it doesn't seem to matter anymore. I can still appreciate the beauty in my dreams but feel like I'll never get there because I don't care anymore, or enough... about anything. 

My Therapist even told me in my last session that "you're born alone, you die alone, and everything in between...even if you're in a relationship, you're actually alone. Even if you have kids, they'll grow up and you're alone again". I was very taken aback by this but ultimately understand and believe him. I broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying, saying how could he say such things to someone who is suicidal, but he said this is the truth of life, sadly.

I feel like I have so much potential to do good in school and become an awesome, professional and loving Therapist that truly cares about her job and clients and ultimately to help people in need. I feel like I had such potential to be a soul loving partner and fall in love with a possible soul mate. I feel like I had such such potential to be a Mother too. 

I feel more than heartbroken by all this, I feel heartbroken to my very soul. To the core of who I really am. Like such a failure in life. I have no idea what to do, I feel so empty and like there is NO solution for me. I refuse to take medication as I believe that even though it MIGHT help me function better, I still believe in my heart of heart's that it won't help with my "I don't care" problem, because let's face it - even if my concentration is better, the fact that I DON'T care, just means that I won't get things done anyway. That's at least how I feel and truly believe. It's born out of me knowing myself enough. 

My Therapist suggested that, me feeling like I don't care...might be born out of a sadness at the realization that no one can save me. Not my family, not the men I fell in love with, not even him as my Therapist (all his words). I think that's TRUE and I agree with him...but wonder if there might be more than that. 

I just WISH I could convey how deeply in despair I am by all this. No matter what I do, my heart isn't here. I keep on feeling like suicide is all I have left, in a sense. I cannot study, I don't care about everything which breaks my heart. I have absolutely no idea what the solution is and feel like there is NO solution for me at all. In all honestly, I don't know what to do anymore...even my Therapist told me that he thinks that this is bigger than I, bigger than him and talk therapy. He suggested I take medication but I refuse, like I said.

I ask, with all kindness and humility, to please tell me what you think I should do...

[Speedscarlet]

@Shir The work of Byron Katie can solve all emotional problems. Question is, are you actually going to take action on it or just watch her videos and move on...

[Shir]

@Speedscarlet Hey There ! Thank you for your suggestion. I'll be sure to check out her work ! I appreciate it. I'm curious to see how this might help me and so I will try to be active and actually look things through yes

[Berjohansen]

First, i would look into going to a new therapist. Second, medication short term can save lifes, even yours. Yes ssri’s can be a bitch (trust me i know) but short term they can do wonders. Also research mood stabilizers like lamotrigin an antiepilecticum wich pretty much is harmless in the small doses normally used for depression dissorders. It gives great support for the times you plummet in to a black hole when others just get abit down. What you have don uptil now clearly dos not work so be crazy and try something new  The lethargic «i dont care anymore» effect is the worst. I have said sometimes at my lowest that if you want to get well you have not seen the bottom.. please take care, we are all one, you are one of all of us and we all care and want you well. 

Much love??

[d0ornokey]

Agree with speedscarlet.

Ultimately, depression is cured with hard work. Do you read? Read a lot. It'll show you the path to happiness and it will instill hope inside you. Don't worry, I was once where you were It's been a journey but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now and every month is better than the last 

I heard a nice catch 22 phrase from Brian Johnson, for people who are depressed, they need to put in the work to cure their depression. But since they are depressed, it's difficult for them to put in the work. So the main challenge is figuring out how to consistently put in a little effort everyday. By the end of the year if you are consistent you'll be feeling great and confident!! 

Leo's Start here guide will cure you

But to even implement the habits that can cure you, you need to learn: 
Discipline, systems, habits, focus, consistency, and picking yourself up quickly after you fall down. There are books that teach this. There are books that teach happiness, self love, discipline, literally anything you want! It's all in the book, ready to come alive if you were to just put them into action! So your goal #1 is to figure out how to get to the starting line consistently. 

Do you watch personal development material? Really should. Keep it focused too, don't watch random stuff, I found that as a mistake. I would watch 30 different topics, but I realized it would be a lot more efficient if I focused on just my main issue! 

With love <3, good luck 

 

Edited February 3, 2018 by d0ornokey

[Elisabeth]

Sending some best wishes your way. 

I agree with @Berjohansen that medication would probably help a great deal. I think of it as a crutch: It helps you function enough to actually make the steps you need to make for your own growth and healing. 

Not taking medication is a gamble with your life. What you hope for, and I'm not saying is impossible, is getting to know yourself better, gaining wisdom and transforming yourself through the suffering. What's likely to happen is unfortunately that you wast YEARS in inactivity and anhedonia, not really growing and suffering through life, missing out on the gradual step-by-step learning and growth that can be gained in more positive states of mind.

If you're so strongly opposed to medication though - in the state you describe, where nothing matters anymore - I've got a vague feeling you might need to surrender to the inactivity. Like, completely let go, even of the desire to desire activity again... Think of it as a rest. 

If you've rested and nothing is changing, it might be time to get that prescription. It's the best technology we've got. 

I hope you can get better soon. 

[Jamie Universe]

@Shir I've been down the stupid road before. Depression is a bunch of bull shit. I feel bad for you.

I could give you a bunch of advice on what to do. But in truth, no therapist, no forum post, will likely save you. I find the depression is made up of arguments and reasons (not 100% sure). If you can find these arguments and reasons, then you can fix your depression. I find that most pessimistic arguments are full of shit. 

Also btw you do care. Because if you didn't care you wouldn't be here writing this post, and you would consider suicide as an escape option. You just don't feel the emotional baggage of caring. 

[Guest Quanty]

WARNING!: Nirvana

Grounding!!!

Discover your Root Chakra (Red), tap into it ("the rabbit hole") using conscious BREATHING (4th chakra, green) listening to the sound of your breath literally and relax all the muscles of the head and center of the brain, mainly the exhalation, making it more deeply and intense but relaxed.

As you breath out you follow the sound of the breath while you put your attention in this feeling: Excretion! of the Anus and Sexual organ. I recommend trying this while on the Toilet. 

 

Blessings

[Privet]

On 03.02.2018 at 7:18 AM, Shir said:

I have gotten to a point where, I feel like I don't care anymore.

Do you care about recovering from MDD?

[Shir]

On 2/4/2018 at 0:34 AM, Berjohansen said:

First, i would look into going to a new therapist. Second, medication short term can save lifes, even yours. Yes ssri’s can be a bitch (trust me i know) but short term they can do wonders. Also research mood stabilizers like lamotrigin an antiepilecticum wich pretty much is harmless in the small doses normally used for depression dissorders. It gives great support for the times you plummet in to a black hole when others just get abit down. What you have don uptil now clearly dos not work so be crazy and try something new  The lethargic «i dont care anymore» effect is the worst. I have said sometimes at my lowest that if you want to get well you have not seen the bottom.. please take care, we are all one, you are one of all of us and we all care and want you well. 

Much love??

@Berjohansen Hey there ! My apologies for the late reply <3 I wanted to say thank you so much for reaching out and taking the time to write your thoughts about my situation, I really appreciate it. 

You're right, I'm pretty sure a new Therapist might do wonders, but unfortunately I cannot afford another new one at this moment in time and so I'm trying to stay grateful and thankful in the program I am in currently, with my Therapist. I realize that medication MIGHT help me, but deep down in my heart I just know it won't help enough (like it might give me the boost of energy that I need but at the end of the day I don't care deep down so how am I supposed to do everything, you see my struggle?). 

I will look into mood stabilizers though, thank you ! First time I've heard of this tbh, sounds really interesting ! 

Btw thank you SO much for your loving words, they really honestly and sincerely warmed my heart, You're right - we really are all ONE. 

Sending you much Love & Light back ! 

[Shir]

@Privet

On 2/9/2018 at 3:23 PM, Privet said:

Do you care about recovering from MDD?

Hey there ! To be honest? That's actually a really, really good question. You made me think about it, much more than me just giving you a straight response. Essentially I THINK I do care about recovering from MDD but my heart is heavy and feels like I might never. Like there's no hope for me. Maybe this lack of hope has led me to feel like I don't care enough about recovering from MDD? Because I know what I SHOULD be doing in my daily life as a student (for example, study A,B,C ect...) yet don't do anything or feel the desire too (don't care anymore" like everything has lost it's luster and all I keep feeling is "what's the point even?"...*sigh*

I hope this might let you see my situation cause I'm so lost 

[Nahm]

@Shir I went though most of that, minus the being female part. I tried therapy, prescriptions, etc, etc etc 

The only thing that worked, and it worked 100% was healthy eating, exercise, positive thinking (Abe Hicks is good for that).

And of course, these things only served to increase my awareness, that it was what I added that caused my depression. 

[Shir]

7 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Shir I went though most of that, minus the being female part. I tried therapy, prescriptions, etc, etc etc 

The only thing that worked, and it worked 100% was healthy eating, exercise, positive thinking (Abe Hicks is good for that).

And of course, these things only served to increase my awareness, that it was what I added that caused my depression. 

@Nahm Oh ! I'm so sorry that you went through all this as well  I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts though ! It helps in feeling less alone for sure...

You're right, I should take better measures to eat healthier and exersice and start trying to think more positively (I'll check Abe Hicks thanks to you!).

Thank you so much for the insights <3

[Nahm]

@Shir ❤️ Tiny changes, tiny changes.   That is the key. They grow into great things. 

[Lorcan]

I am no guru or adept actualizer.I have had bouts of sadness and anxiety before. Not as drastic as you say you have experienced. I am 16 years old. I have back slided more than once in trying to improve myself. One of the most important things to me to remind myself of is to never fully give-up.

Ever tried, ever failed? Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

If your will is yet unbroken you could try cold exposure. For me, the cold is a great teacher it. It banishes feelings of anxiety and sadness and gives me more willpower once I have relaxed into the cold. 

I recently back-slided two months ago. I am back getting myself on track today. (By taking a cold shower, and I must do some significant resistance training this evening).

Life purpose/goals are crucial. I find having some sort of doctrine to refer to helps. For me, I often refer to Marcus Aurelius when feeling lost or in doubt.

My life is far from what I want it to be. I currently live a pretty mediocre existence. I am working on it. I am trying. I hope you may find some joy in the practice of this advice brother.

May you find peace on your journey.

If your willpower is but a sliver that you can barely get yourself to go drink some water even though your really faster. I recommend breathing exercises. Not for relaxation. But for willpower.

Simply breath in as deep as you can, then exhale. (not all the way, don't empty your lungs). Do this at moderate speed. No need to hyper-ventilate. Do this 30-50 times, you should start to feel this tingly feeling, your muscles (all your muscles) will now have extra strength for a limited duration. (Unless you keep breathing deeply of course). This is what I know. 

Check out the Wim Hof Method for more.

Edited February 11, 2018 by Lorcan

[Lorcan]

9 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Shir ❤️ Tiny changes, tiny changes.   That is the key. They grow into great things. 

Arnold says something in here about how small changes add up to a big victory.

The whole video is sound advice as it is.

[Nahm]

@Lorcan ?

[Coraline]

Hey,
I once made that commitment to not kill myself until I haven't tried anything possible on this planet that could lead to me being happy in/with life.

This approach worked for me as a good compromise between my suicidal tendencies and that part in me that wants to change something.
Suicidal tendencies have been with me for about seven years now. Finally, for about one and a half years, I am really making progress. I have these moments now where I am feeling so much love for myself and the whole existence that I just have to cry and want to apologise for not being able to see all this beauty inside and around me. But yeah, progressing means falling back not ones or twice but continuously and then you start again, always start again. It might not feel like it is worth anything in certain situations but when I see my development as a whole... I am actually at a point now where the past version of me could not even think about. And if something works for me, something will work for you as well.

Maybe it is not the right way for you to try to feel better, to try to feel engaged in your life or your dreams. Maybe you can start to take action even though you do not care. It helped me to sometimes just not listen to my mind or my emotions and just do it (whatever it was at that moment, e.g. meditating, walking outside, meeting people) , even though these two sneaky parts of me were not really cool with that.
But, you should not deny or pressure yourself. Follow your individual path, it is definitely there.

You said that you got sad about your therapist saying that a person always is alone. In one video, Leo once said that when there is a theory (or thought) that definitely seems to be true but is not serving you (because it makes you depressed, inactive...), there is something about this theory that you do not understand yet. So, do not spend time ruminating about this too much. If this theory is true, one day you will understand it fully and see that there is actually nothing negative about it. 

I wish you all the best and send lots of love :-) 

[Elisabeth]

20 hours ago, Lorcan said:

Check out the Wim Hof Method for more.

 

I second the recommendation on the breathing exercise. 

Despite being out of the worst depression, my will and energy are pretty low. I can't make myself exercise everyday (or so I thought). I can't make myself eat well. I don't care enough. 

But I can myself make take 30 deep breaths in the morning, and when I've started I can also do more rounds of the breathing, a bit of exercise and (sometimes) even the cold shower. At least it's been working for the past two weeks since I've started.  Breathing can actually make me ecstatic at times and has all sorts of effects on my emotions and energies which I have yet to explore better. 

But I don't think I could have made it a habit two years ago. You have to search for whatever small change is doable for you. 

Edited February 12, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Lorcan]

4 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

I second the recommendation on the breathing exercise. 

Despite being out of the worst depression, my will and energy are pretty low. I can't make myself exercise everyday (or so I thought). I can't make myself eat well. I don't care enough. 

But I can myself make take 30 deep breaths in the morning, and when I've started I can also do more rounds of the breathing, a bit of exercise and (sometimes) even the cold shower. At least it's been working for the past two weeks since I've started.  Breathing can actually make me ecstatic at times and has all sorts of effects on my emotions and energies which I have yet to explore better. 

But I don't think I could have made it a habit two years ago. You have to search for whatever small change is doable for you. 

Indeed. Breathing exercises take very little willpower to do. You can do them anywhere. Including your bed when you do not even have the willpower to even get up. Just start breathing.