Caring for parents / elders

[hundreth]

Hey guys, this is something i'm working on understanding and reconciling with everything I've learned these past few years. For the most part, in these circles we have this suggestion to separate oneself from society and focus on inner being / non duality. This is a kind of freedom or liberation from externalities, societies, cultures, expectations, etc and allows one to just be present and bask in the grace of being.

Now, this is all lovely, except I see a recurring theme in my own life and in those around me. Especially those one generation older than me (I'm 32.) In my own life, my parents each have their own struggles. My mother has chronic health issues, my father struggles with alcoholism. My mother is also very burdened taking care of my grandmother, who not surprisingly has even more serious health issues. Among others in my family and friendships, I see many take on a huge responsibility and devoting a large portion of their lives and well being towards caring for their parents.

I fully understand there are situations where it warrants completely cutting off from parents especially if they are toxic. For most, there's this giant gray area and it seems a necessary burden and moral imperative to care for your parents. Though, this can sometimes feel like a bottomless pit.

So I wonder, what do consciousness and non duality seekers have to say about this? Is this just another arbitrary societal illusion? Is this just a barrier to higher levels of consciousness? Is there a greater truth and inherent morality that involves caring for others as an expression of non duality? 

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts! 

[dorg]

If caring for others or elderly parents is seen as an obligation, then one is not very far along the path. Caring can be a great way to further one's understanding.

[hundreth]

10 minutes ago, dorg said:

If caring for others or elderly parents is seen as an obligation, then one is not very far along the path. Caring can be a great way to further one's understanding.

I don't deny it, I'm just attempting to reconcile this with the message of "go live in a cave."

On the other hand, for most of us, even though caring can be a learning / growth experience that brings about understanding, this can feel like an obligation at times. Any time you're "required" to take an action that doesn't seem to follow where you want to be expending your energies, this can feel like an obligation. I'm sure there are many out there who have transcended such feelings, but I'm speaking on behalf of myself and the layman. 

So there's this sort of chicken and egg, caring can lead to transcendence, but transcendence leads to caring.  

[Ocean]

Keeping on chopping wood. Life continues, with all its beautiful contradictory content.

You have any freedom you perceive to be true.

What you do, is what you do.

Apprently the Socrates fella lived with a wife that wasn't too friendly and supportive for him (it's all 2nd hand info!) . The apprent Socrates stayed with her.

The thing is, the world will always change, but you won't . Explore it's most mundane aspects while the ego tries to tell you it's not enough.

Never forget, the wood still needs to be chopped.

 

 

Edited February 2, 2018 by Ocean

[hundreth]

Thanks @Ocean. Your comment lead me to re-explore the chop wood, carry water proverb and with this practical situation I feel I understand it in greater depth.

[Arman]

In regards to the trope of 'going to live in a cave' and disappearing from your family: My guess is that historically, unlike the west, eastern societal structures are formed so that familes support one another in an extended and interconnected way, so if one person disappears then he is not necessarily leaving a gap at a great cost to the well-being of those around him because there are other members to fulfill the role. Therefore perhaps the moral aspect of it was more about dropping societal roles rather than of dropping the responsibility of sustaining critical wellbeing of the family & community. 

Edited February 2, 2018 by Arman

[Ocean]

@hundreth If you're thanking others, don't forget to thank yourself. It's all the same....apparently.

[Nahm]

40 minutes ago, hundreth said:

Hey guys, this is something i'm working on understanding and reconciling with everything I've learned these past few years. For the most part, in these circles we have this suggestion to separate oneself from society and focus on inner being / non duality. This is a kind of freedom or liberation from externalities, societies, cultures, expectations, etc and allows one to just be present and bask in the grace of being.

Now, this is all lovely, except I see a recurring theme in my own life and in those around me. Especially those one generation older than me (I'm 32.) In my own life, my parents each have their own struggles. My mother has chronic health issues, my father struggles with alcoholism. My mother is also very burdened taking care of my grandmother, who not surprisingly has even more serious health issues. Among others in my family and friendships, I see many take on a huge responsibility and devoting a large portion of their lives and well being towards caring for their parents.

I fully understand there are situations where it warrants completely cutting off from parents especially if they are toxic. For most, there's this giant gray area and it seems a necessary burden and moral imperative to care for your parents. Though, this can sometimes feel like a bottomless pit.

So I wonder, what do consciousness and non duality seekers have to say about this? Is this just another arbitrary societal illusion? Is this just a barrier to higher levels of consciousness? Is there a greater truth and inherent morality that involves caring for others as an expression of non duality? 

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts! 

The theme for consciousness work is practices of awareness and self inquiry, it’s done alone, it has nothing to do with anyone else.  

I for one, do not see a general message from the forum to be less social. We may need to ‘go away for a while’ to do the inner work, we may need to get some distance from people who we have been suppressing our own suffering with, such as with alcohol, etc. But, as we do the work, all things societal are renewed. Awareness is good for everything! Consciousness work may make for a temporary hermit, if you will, but the long term point is not at all to be removed from society, unless of course, one wants to do this, like ‘live in a cave’. The point, is complete Self realization, and Self actualization - to be what you really are, to have the freedom of mind to create the life you actually want, to be without mental resistance, and living in the euphoric satisfaction of knowing you are living THE life you want, pursing what you want, having the quality of life you want, learning what you want, having the significant other that you have true love with, or being a completely free bird if that is what’s wanted - overall, to be unconditioned, and liberated.

 Go to the main categories page for the forum. Consider this when looking at the categories, from the bottom to the top.  In a way, they are like a staircase.

The parents situation is rough. My parents are not open to personal development, well being, etc. They are rock solid on Catholicism, prescriptions, and surgeries. It does nothing for them, but they aren’t coming out of the heaven / hell complex any time soon, likely never.  They eat poorly, (lots of sugar), their weight has affected their health for many years, they don’t exercise, nor meditate. Their internaltizing and self talk is unhealthy. Their perspectives on each other, blame, etc, is unhealthy. Once and a while it even gets physical. I tried helping on any front for many years. Tried everything. 

The power of the ego in disregarding the consequences of it’s own actions, in terms of getting clarity and making some changes towards health, are astounding. I find it very true, as we see here on the forum, that all the answers and plenty of help, love, and encouragement are readily available. Yet, if someone is not ready to take a look at themselves, they will not. They will craft from their frame of reference to construct a wall around looking within. The ego uses these offerings as material to solidly it’s false existence, it’s own pretenses, paradigms, etc.

The bottomless pit you referenced, that’s were I was headed with my parents. I came to a place where it was a tug of war between trying to help, being patient, compassionate...and them not changing a thing, health declining more, and me helping more. It could be consuming. There are things in place for this, social security disabity; couseling, in home care, etc.

Where you put yourself, your amount of efforts and involvement, that’s a total one off. Only you can navigate that for yourself. Like anything, talking about it (like this), reading up on it, doing your practices - it all helps, and maybe even, the growth for you to experience is the extent you can not help someone who will not receive the help, nor help themselves. 

It’s grey and dynamic. It could drive one person into depression, and reveal a life purpose for another. Practices and awareness work, are where it’s at for you.