Should i move on or try to get him back?

[Pola]

I had great relationship with a guy for about a year.. there was love and passion and understanding and everything you could dream of. The reason of the brake was completely my mistake, which was the emotional outbursts that i can not control.. Its like when being angry or upset i am just loosing my control, saying things and insults i dont mean, yell, scream and feel like i dont care if the next day is going to come... He was trying to cope with it but as being very sensetive guy he just got fed up of it and decided to stop it. Right now he is kind of trying to be just freinds.. I really dont know why he needs that but it does give me a hope in a way.. I was trying to convience him to believe me and trust me when i am saying i will try to control my negative emotions. He is saying that he is not emotionally ready to come back. Its been half a year since we broke and he still talks in a friendly zone, any attempt from my side to make it more personal he just stops me and doesnt let it happen. I love him very much and i know it was amazing, great to be together, But i would like to know how high is the chance that he will ever want to come back to me. I know that for me it would be like to believe someone who used to beat me that he wont ever beat me again... Hard to believe.. But i am trying to improve myself and i do it for me more than for anyone else. Leo said in one of his video - do not get back to your ex.. But what if you feel he is the one for you and it was all my mistake that it didnt work?

Edited February 7, 2016 by Pola

[Haitam]

Hi Pola, 

I'm going pretty much through the same situation.. i'm with this amazing girl for a year now, and when she does a little mistake i go nutts i just can't controle myself, obviously she doesn't like it and one day she is just gonna leave ... so i took a decision to try to controle myself if our relashionship is meant to be then nothing will stop you ... do your best to control yourself trust him give him his space and privacy don't shoke him ... i hope this helpped Pola ☺ 

[Pola]

hi Haitam,

thanks for your comment, its good to know that not only i have a problem like this. Controlling emotions is a big issue for me. Both of my parents are very emotional, I simply dont know how it is to react calm to the things that upset me. I am ready to give him time to recover, but i would really like to get him back... i just dont know how... Any ideas?..

[GoldenAge Philosopher]

Pola, a woman did the same thing to me a couple years back over an incident which we treated as big a deal. Over a course of time I began to realize the incident wasn't really as big as we had made it seem. I guess my ego had got to the best of me. About a month ago, I made a decision to be the better man and fix what had been broken for quite some time because I felt as though it was the right thing to do and also because I noticed she had been trying to make attempts to catch my attention. This decision I made was not coming from the heart or my mind, but from my soul which to me means to make a union of both the heart and the mind when making choices in life. As for me, I'm really trying to understand her not from square one but from where we left off before the incident had happened. Not as partners in love, but understanding her as a person and what she wants to do in life. I want to be the person she can turn to if she ever needs any help which is as much as I can ask for right now. As for you, don't really try to have the goal of getting him back. Rather let him make the moves and you respond as casually as possible. I don't know if the guy is like me or not, but I'm assuming he was trying to restore what is broken for now. Yet things have the possibility of changing as time goes on.

[Dhana Choko]

Darling, your problem is not if you should try to get him back or not, but how you are going to deal with your own emotions and your own self. Getting back together you would eventually have the same problems as you did before, if you have not done some serious self-developmental work before that. Before you get into a new relationship and if you really want it to work and last longer than a year, you really need to work on yourself. There is no easy way about it. 

Most people feel like their ex was the one for them. It is not an uncommon thought. It does not mean it is true though or that thought means anything. It just means that you were in a relationship with someone and your ego got attached to them and now your mind produces thoughts that match your ego's attachment. It does not mean that you should get back together with them. It is very uncommon that people who used to be together and had a difficult relationship, get back together and turn it around completely. I am not saying it does not happen, but it does mean that these people need to do a lot of work with themselves and grow as people and it might mean that they try relationship again in 10 or 20 years from their first relationship. This is adequate time to truly change as human beings and grow so much that the likelihood of repeating the old relationship paradigms has vanished. 

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Dhana Choko said:

Darling, your problem is not if you should try to get him back or not, but how you are going to deal with your own emotions and your own self. Getting back together you would eventually have the same problems as you did before...

This!

Exactly!

You have not addressed the root cause of anything. You cannot control your negative emotions at will. What you're doing is using him as an escape from dealing with your own issues. That's a disaster in the making.

[Pola]

I had been and keep doing self development since we broke. I know half a year is not enough to make it a radical change, but at least i am aware of the problem i have and i am a lot motivated to go on with my self-growth. But the motivation i have to be a better person is based a lot on the idea of how i can correct my mistakes with that exact guy. I know probably its not the right motivation, but it was kind of a big push for me to finally accept i do have a problem i have to correct. I dont know if this is just an ego issue like i just have to get him back or this is called love? Is there any way to know it somehow?

I am also aware of the big possibilities around. I am trying to go out a lot and widen my social circle. I tried to date other guys too. its not like i got completely stuck with my ex. But how can i control or regulate the feeling of truly liking or not liking someone? Among plenty of guys i met both in person and online during all this time, trying to know them better and giving them a chance, no one really felt like the right one.. except maybe Leo

And @Leo Gura i have a question to you. There was your video about being a conductor of emotions, not trying to resist them just let them pass through you. How does it look like in practice i still didn't quite understand. if i am getting angry or upset... i had an issue with controlling it not to pour it on the other person who had provoked me... how would i actually control it but not resist it in the same time. Practically what should i do when it feels like to express it but same time not to hurt the person near me?  I would appreciate if you actually could give a practical example.  Thanks in advance.

 

 

Edited February 10, 2016 by Pola

[Ayla]

@Pola ,

There is some advice on this forum in regards to how to deal with anger. That part I leave to you. 

For the other part, I've got great news for you  

This is not love. Love does not hurt. Either you, nor the other person. I have been in your shoes several times in my life and I can still remember the hurt. But it is this exact hurt that brought me where I am now. You are exactly where you need to be. I will give you a practical tool to unhinge this: 

Write down all the good aspects you ever perceived about your ex. Idealize him as much as you want. Then sit with yourself and acknowledge that it is not THIS man that you want, but someone who will make YOU FEEL the same way as he did. Shift your perspective from the Person to the Experience. 

I promise, you'll be out of there very soon  

[Pola]

@Ayla

You are absolutely right that its more about the way he made me feel than he himself... i just dont see how this can make me feel less pain of the loosing him. What if no one else is able to make me feel the way he did. And yes i do realize all his faults and i know he is so far from perfect, honestly i dont idealize him at all.  But how did it help you feel any better knowing that the feeling you have is selfish and its not about loving him but loving the way he made you feel...? 

 

[Ayla]

3 minutes ago, Pola said:

@Ayla

You are absolutely right that its more about the way he made me feel than he himself... i just dont see how this can make me feel less pain of the loosing him. What if no one else is able to make me feel the way he did. And yes i do realize all his faults and i know he is so far from perfect, honestly i dont idealize him at all.  But how did it help you feel any better knowing that the feeling you have is selfish and its not about loving him but loving the way he made you feel...? 

 

I realized that it was not him that I loved, but how he made me feel. That is not selfish. That is human nature. Sit with that for a while. It is not selfish to love yourself first... and to take it one step further if I may... ultimately, there's no you and there's no other.