My ego always want to be different

[Raphael]

Hello,

I've noticed a strange behavior about myself when reflecting on my life. I don't know why I'm doing this, but I always want to be different, I suppose that it's an ego defense mechanism. So here are some points:

• When I was a  kid, I've always felt different and oversensitive
• In high school, I didn't care about my results because I wanted to be a software developer. However, during the final year, I've worked really hard because I thought most of the people in my class were dumb. I also thought I was better and destined to a great future as a millionaire tech company's CEO and I've got really good results during this year
• I studied Computer Science during the last two years. Nevertheless, my entire reality collapsed during this period because I was so isolated and out of my comfort zone. It's also at this time that I discovered Actualized.org and finally started to found more people "like me"
• I found a job in a small company, but I quit after less than three months. The boss was abusing me and I was not feeling well integrated into the overly social environment. I've also judged the company activity's ethics very bad as their goal were only to make money with unconscious products
   

Here's my situation now:

• I'm at my parent's house. I don't like to be here, but I have no other options
• I'm trying to start a small affiliate marketing business. However, I'm procrastinating a lot and I've started more than five months ago. I'm currently having zero results and don't like doing this, but I need money
• I'm wondering about doing philosophy studies. However, I'm fearful if the same thing happens and if I want to change direction again. I've always been a deep thinker

What do you guys think about this?

[Cjaryo]

I highly recommend that you study philosophy, but as a hobby, it will genuinely improve the systems of your mind. Right now though, you need to start producing results. It sounds like you need something to commit to, so find out what that is soon, and then find out exactly how to work on it and get the financial security you need.

[Raphael]

1 hour ago, Cjaryo said:

I highly recommend that you study philosophy, but as a hobby

 

I also think like this. I actually feel that I need to study a lot of things including philosophy, but that school is not for me.

[Forestluv]

I've noticed humans often make comparisons - especially "me" compared to others. I've found comparing myself to others generally leads to a sense of separation and often inner turmoil.

I could give many examples. . . such as comparing my intelligence to my coworkers or comparing myself to my girlfriend's previous lovers. If the focus is on "me" and "them" there is a sense of separation. Yet, I love learning about myself, for example through Myer Briggs or Spiral Dynamics. One of my questions is how do I introspect without the separation and turmoil? One mindset is to be aware of myself in relation to my environment and others.

I'm also a deep thinker. My mind engages in a lot of abstract thinking - my mind is frequently forming concepts, looking to integrate relations, asking "why"? and "how"? There are certain work environments that are more natural fits. I don't like being on structured committees with lots of rules doing mechanical thinking and tasks. I don't like being given a job description I must follow. I thrive in diversity, creation, fluid change. I naturally prefer working independently, researching, learning, brainstorming, creating.

For many years, I pursued what I thought I "should be" - what was projected onto me as having value and success. I started off college as a business major in the footsteps of my father, I became pre-med so that I could satisfy a need "help people", a need projected upon me by society. I pursued careers as a leader in biotechnology and scientific research, in part to satisfy a need to reach the top of my profession and gain recognition and acceptance from my peers. None of it was being true to my inner nature. I've finally found a natural fit. I get to spend about four hours a day solo, conceptualizing and creating. And about another four hours a day communicating these concepts with others. I excel in my natural zone and I do the bare minimum outside my natural zone.