Does actualization break more hearts & your own?

[Epiphany_Inspired]

Do you believe that transcending the ego must be done alone? I just lost my lover (of 7 months), and he believes ego shedding must be done alone. I told him it's likely not true in an interdependent scenario,  but I actually don't know. Is this true for some, none, or all of us?

I re-watched Leo's break-up video, probably way too soon, and it didn't resonate with me the way it did the first time, it seems designed for people new to the actualization process, people that are leaving a low conscious or needy relationships, etc... 

I made a post about a month ago, about how to know *when* to end this "temporary" dating thing (because I had never done that). After, that post, I made a conscious choice to enjoy every minute I had, and accept it just as it was...I had no red flags for unhealthiness, best values match ever, beautiful love... it seemed silly to end it randomly because of the "temporary" limit he put on it....

It feels weird that I can't really say I've just had a "break-up" because it technically wasn't a "relationship"...but the loss FEELS the same... because I opened my heart all of the way... I had never been willing to do a temporary situation before, and I could have guarded my heart, but the experience would have been less full that way, and it was worth it... I haven't been *left* in over 20 years, so *painful*... I asked him how to recover and he said it's not a skill I can learn... but everything in actualization does seem to be a skill, even if it's just learning to *be with feelings*, etc... so how to deal with a break-up - the next phase? (if far from finished, but already doing the development stuff for years, already beat the neediness/ most bad habbits, etc)? 

Now that I've been with an actualizing person, I wouldn't want anything else again, ever. I'm curious, is it true that only 1% of people are willing to take this journey? If I decide to avoid dating etc, all together again (like I did for years before this), how do I determine if that is coming from an authentic place, or a neurotic place? What's the best step-by-step-type method to heal and recover?

 

[Goliath]

The best place for ego shedding is in the messy trenches of relationships. If youre all alone, there is hardly anything that irritates you, compared to being with a person that constantly triggers you. When youre all alone, you decide what is happening and when. In a relationship you have to find middle ways and compromise, and guess who doesnt like to back down on their positions? Ego. Who doesnt wanna love the other person unconditionally? Also ego.

I was in a relationship that didnt suit me at all, and where i felt my boudaries where crossed many times, without me being able to really point it out, because from the outside it seemed like it was totally acceptable. But I found this really effective of shredding all the conditions i set up that the other person had to live up to. Ultimately I worked through it so far that i could actually watch my boundaries being crossed without resistance. And at that point I also decided that my lesson there was learned and I could leave to find a healthy relationship. Then I ended it.

I dont know your feelings. But for me the best way of overcoming a crushingly painful loss is to get your mind distracted with HIGH consciousness activities. Activities that engage you and where you feel involved. Your mind is obsessively clinging to the past memories and whenever a discomfort arises it attempts to fill that gap with the old comforts such as being hugged or talking to your partner. Then you realise that that is no longer available and you kind spiral down and down. Thats why it is so important  to engage the mind in high consciousness activities. Maybe start a new hobby. Also going in nature, I found is very effective. Being around people with whom you can solve problems you are interested in solving. The most painful way of dealing with this is being idle at home. That always made me feel like drowning in my pain.

And I wouldnt give up on dating. Dont force a decision on this. Date when you feeling like dating. And dont think that there is no one like you or that you will never find a person who is on this journey again. This whole forum is filled with people who have the same kind of struggle.

You will get through this!

 

[deci belle]

hello~

Though relationships (in my experience) are the means to self-refinement and transformational evolution in the context of everyday ordinary karmic situations, the effective definition of "relationship" need not be limited to social convention. Ego shedding is experiencing selflessness, which is not a relative aspect to be discovered within the confines, safe or not, of some kind of exclusive social unit, much less in terms of the mind that thinks. Ego is shed by virtue of not-thinking.

It is not a matter of sharing. No one has to know. In other words, evolutionary consciousness development is difficult enough as it is, and to fabricate an ideal whereby it must be accomplished in the context of an emotional pairing in terms of a conventional social arrangement is a bit much. That you would only consider an exclusive social arrangement with an actualized person is fine for you~ but what about the actualized person, hmmm?

That is a conceit one would do well to drop on the spot. I remember women in LA saying they only date guys who wear Doc Martens~ hahahhaa!!

I pity people who consider themselves viable only within the context of social convention. Ultimately, you are alone in this endeavor, Epiphany.

I find setting ANY requirements, much less having ideas what constitute actualization (especially in terms of social arrangements) evidence of simply further means ego employs to "control", which is indicative of its inherent basis as the psychological projection of insecurity and instability.

Goliath said;

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The best place for ego shedding is in the messy trenches of relationships. If youre all alone, there is hardly anything that irritates you, compared to being with a person that constantly triggers you.

Absolutely.

Again, the irritations of everyday ordinary situations in terms of worldly issues are the means to gradual self-refinement, but the "relationship" doesn't have to suit you or meet your arbitrary requirements to be viable in terms of providing the context for effective conscious evolution.

A boss, a parent, any petty tyrant, a war-torn existence (to illustrate a few extreme examples), could serve the purpose splendidly.

It's not that the relationship will do anything— how you adapt in terms of your own non-psychological response is the key to gradual transformations that will eventually result in the world-honored accomplishment of what buddhism calls shedding the skin-bag. In the course of endless transformations, further self-refinement conjures ever-evolving relationships suited specifically for your continued development— but you need to be willing to come to terms with the need to be the decider.

The relationships that will blow your world away will find you without any help from you in terms of self-concious manipulative arrangements to accomplish the task or arrange its parameters according to your preconceptions of high-falutin' spiritual ambition. Ego-shedding is not relative to your self. Selflessness is an experience that strips away all notions of conscious relativity. But it doesn't change anything.

In fact, authentic enlightening activity mainly serves to expose your worst qualities, such as they are— in order to to be able to deal with them effectively in the course of events. Welcome to the world of broken open hearts❤︎…

In spite of the promise of "ego-shedding", what wasn't better before the fact, won't be any better off afterwards.

A relationship just is. It doesn't matter if it isn't "real" or "official" or otherwise socially relevant.

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I'm curious, is it true that only 1% of people are willing to take this journey?

Being willing to decide on this path is irrelevant— what's relevant is who is on this path.

My estimation of this figure is about .02%— not because people don't engender ambitions to do so, but because it just isn't going to happen unless you are already doing so. It's not something you decide. You simply become open to the potential inherent in yourself by virtue of the very situations you find yourself. In spite of what I said above about being alone— you aren't separate, either.

As far as deciding to date again~ why does it have to depend on you to decide to date or not?

All this ego-active yaying and naying only serves to strengthen the illusion of having and ego. You don't have and ego; if anything, there's an ego that has you!

I suggest forgetting about decisions relative to social arrangements for the time being. Evolve in the midst of delusional existence without having to decide anything. Do you have the audacity to enter into the whole world without discriminating between self and other, intimate or insular, just to see what it might be without your having to decide first?

The exclusivity of the path assumed by ego-shedders is irrelevant. It is the whole world. It depends on where you are in your own mind and skin right now. The path, such as it is, is right at your feet instantaneously— true reality can only be actualized in the immediate present. There's no where else.

Just this is it.

 

 

ed note: change Doc Martens; add "Welcome to the world of broken open hearts❤︎…"

Edited February 2, 2018 by deci belle

[YaNanNallari]

To answer the title, actualizing does indeed create and reveal many of our weakspots that create broken-heartedness. However, often when I see people being left hurt or behind in any way, they are usually hurting themselves through their thinking pattern. I do not mean that they should know better, but indeed they could embrace what has happened instead of thinking the moment is too intense, not seeing any lessons/not accepting lessons and not seeing how it passes.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Goliath @deci belle @YaNanNallari Thanks so much! Wow, I feel so fortunate for this amazing assistance from you all!

@Goliath That was the sweetest, it helps so much! I really appreciate you! The first paragraph explains so much, and I really adore that you shared your very personal experience with me. My research on this has said the same thing, about the high conscious activities... but I just don't feel up to anything... I can barely even eat or sleep... the cruddy lengthy wallowing you described is exactly what I hope to avoid... I see people struggle with a single break-up for years... I really don't want that... is it really ok to avoid my feelings a bit... if the activities I choose aren't chimpy? Yes, my mind is obsessively doing that... and because both my thoughts and my emotions display as visual images and movies, it's pretty extreme... and they are looping too! I have A LOT of hobbies but I don't feel up to any of them... how would I go about choosing a new one? I don't particularly *want* to do anything... so far, the only thing that makes me *feel a bit better* (short-term) are: seeing/phoning my distracting/ comforting friends, and the distraction of more physical pain, like if I am bringing in firewood, etc... ideas? 

@deci belle I am very, very, grateful for the thoroughness, and thoughtfulness of your answer! I take full responsibility for feeling too fragile to really accept or fully comprehend what you've said right now. I'm just not ready yet, but likely will be soon. Right now, the paradoxes just confuse me more, etc. I want to understand what you are expressing, but my energy seems greatly effected, and my brain chemistry seems way off (I keep falling and injuring myself, etc). I promise to re-read your wonderful comment whenever I am more mentally and emotionally stable. Thank you!

@YaNanNallari I am appreciative for the pain I feel and the lessons I've learned/ am learning, but that doesn't seem to reduce my suffering. Yes, of course, luckily I am well enough to know I am responsible for my own pain here. How can I further embrace this? I completely respect all of this, and I only want happiness for the other person, even if I feel self-inflicted pain as a result. Your response was really beautiful, and so very true! Thanks so much!

 

[Shin]

1 hour ago, Epiphany_Inspired said:

@Goliath @deci belle @YaNanNallari Thanks so much! Wow, I feel so fortunate for this amazing assistance from you all!

@Goliath That was the sweetest, it helps so much! I really appreciate you! The first paragraph explains so much, and I really adore that you shared your very personal experience with me. My research on this has said the same thing, about the high conscious activities... but I just don't feel up to anything... I can barely even eat or sleep... the cruddy lengthy wallowing you described is exactly what I hope to avoid... I see people struggle with a single break-up for years... I really don't want that... is it really ok to avoid my feelings a bit... if the activities I choose aren't chimpy? Yes, my mind is obsessively doing that... and because both my thoughts and my emotions display as visual images and movies, it's pretty extreme... and they are looping too! I have A LOT of hobbies but I don't feel up to any of them... how would I go about choosing a new one? I don't particularly *want* to do anything... so far, the only thing that makes me *feel a bit better* (short-term) are: seeing/phoning my distracting/ comforting friends, and the distraction of more physical pain, like if I am bringing in firewood, etc... ideas? 

@deci belle I am very, very, grateful for the thoroughness, and thoughtfulness of your answer! I take full responsibility for feeling too fragile to really accept or fully comprehend what you've said right now. I'm just not ready yet, but likely will be soon. Right now, the paradoxes just confuse me more, etc. I want to understand what you are expressing, but my energy seems greatly effected, and my brain chemistry seems way off (I keep falling and injuring myself, etc). I promise to re-read your wonderful comment whenever I am more mentally and emotionally stable. Thank you!

@YaNanNallari I am appreciative for the pain I feel and the lessons I've learned/ am learning, but that doesn't seem to reduce my suffering. Yes, of course, luckily I am well enough to know I am responsible for my own pain here. How can I further embrace this? I completely respect all of this, and I only want happiness for the other person, even if I feel self-inflicted pain as a result. Your response was really beautiful, and so very true! Thanks so much!

 

You focus on the pain not on the thought associated to it.

You do that on your own accord, without waiting for the pain to come by itself.

It's the most counter intuitive technique I know, but it's also the most powerful.

[YaNanNallari]

@Epiphany_Inspired Questioning the self and who is suffering can help. Also not identifying with thoughts as your own, but seeing thoughts as a phenomenon caused by things. If you don't pick your thoughts, then there are just thoughts of suffering coming from somewhere and maybe there's an unaccepted feeling due to those thoughts that want to hold on to it because otherwise your identity starts breaking.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@YaNanNallari @Shin Very grateful to you, thanks!!!