Stay in the relationship or go?

[Arctica]

Should I stay in this mostly functional relationship or not?

What is the point of relationships?

We've been dating for 4.5 years and we were both virgins when we met. We're both 24. This year we began to only see each other about once a month because we're in different cities for University but we talk every day. The reality of us getting married soon freaked me out because he's the only serious relationship I've had and I don't want to miss out on something. So I thought, "maybe I can just talk to other guys and see if they're superior or inferior to him and that will answer my question." 2 months ago I went to a party and met this other guy who I was blown away by. We went on 2 dates. I felt like a horrible person and realized the huge flaw in my plan because obviously a new relationship is going to be more exciting and seem perfect in comparison to an old one. There is no plausible way to actually compare them. So I thought maybe I just need to work on my current relationship. I told the new guy I needed time to think and I was honest with my current boyfriend about what I did. It's been a month since then but I'm still totally obsessed with the other guy and heart broken about not talking to him anymore.

My goal is to be in a happy, long-term relationship and have kids

I know that my current boyfriend can support and love me and we can have a successful future together so is that the only thing that matters? I don't really enjoy having sex with him anymore because I lack passion in him. Do I just need to seek all my fulfillment from myself and not look at my relationship for that? Would breaking up with him be irrational? Or should we try and do things to make the relationship better?

 

 

 

 

 

[Arctica]

I'm jealous of people who fall in love with each other and have amazing sex. I wish I could experience a relationship that's so passionate I want to have sex every day. But wouldn't that be obsessive or co-dependent behaviour? 

[Shin]

Why do you lack passion in him ?

What do you mean by that exactly ?

[Spiral]

@Arctica If you are happy with the person you are with, stay with them. Trying to "upgrade" will not work out at all. I mean what if you after spending 3 years with that new guy, you find yet another "better" guy.

On the other hand if your are on the edge of cheating, that's not good either. Also note the even if you find someone else, doesn't mean it's gonna work out. The old guy won't take you back. The older you get the more difficult it will get to find someone you want as well.

Now yes I get, it's a very common issue, I was with a girl who have had a boyfriend for 12 years she, is 26. She is kinda a mess now, cheating regularly and so on. Not my proudest moment if I put it that way.

It not to late to improve the sex you already have you know. You can both learn and practice some tantra and do some crazy stuff. Also other ways to bring more excitement to your life.

[Arctica]

@Shin Most of the time I don't really want to kiss him anymore. I enjoy cuddling/hugging him though. When we first started dating, I really liked kissing him. Eventually that sort of died off though. We still kiss hello and goodbye and a bit before sex but otherwise I don't want to. I can tell he would like to kiss a bit more but I just turn my face away. Our conversations are kind of boring and he's a pretty stoic, calm person all the time. We tend to disagree on politics and religion. Maybe we can work around it but I think it might be uncomfortable raising kids and disagreeing on those things. And sometimes I feel upset talking about it.

[Shin]

5 minutes ago, Arctica said:

@Shin Most of the time I don't really want to kiss him anymore. I enjoy cuddling/hugging him though. When we first started dating, I really liked kissing him. Eventually that sort of died off though. We still kiss hello and goodbye and a bit before sex but otherwise I don't want to. I can tell he would like to kiss a bit more but I just turn my face away. Our conversations are kind of boring and he's a pretty stoic, calm person all the time. We tend to disagree on politics and religion. Maybe we can work around it but I think it might be uncomfortable raising kids and disagreeing on those things. And sometimes I feel upset talking about it.

Honestly you are far too young to stay in a relationship that clearly doesn't work.

You see him as a friend not a lover, he doesn't turn you on and you find him boring.

Too much signs of a man that isn't in touch with his masculinity, so of course you go see other men, this one isn't one.

Just dump him, and go wild exploring you sexuality for a year or two, then search for a relationship again.

I strongly advise you to study female/male attraction, you will understand and know way better if a guy is a boyfriend/husband material if you do so.

 

Edited February 3, 2018 by Shin

[Arctica]

@Spiral Thank you spiral for your post. It's nice to know that this is something other people go through. People don't talk about it a lot. I really just want to get this whole thing right and I hear stories about people just acting purely on their emotions and ending up broken-hearted etc. So that's what leads me to believe that the rational thing to do is just stay with my current boyfriend. He's going to be a dentist, and I consider this career choice important for raising a family. I didn't have a lot of money growing up so I know how it effected my health and put stress on my parent's relationship. Some people I talk to will say things like "if you really love someone, money doesn't matter." Isn't that just a foolish thing to say or am I placing too much importance on money? Other people seem to make relationship decisions purely on their emotions and end up happily ever after. 

I really wanted to keep seeing the other guy but I would never cheat because I know that's not a solution. I also stopped talking to him because I didn't want to hurt my current boyfriend, but it's been painful. I haven't been able to study all week. I've just been listening to music. I was able to study a little today though. I also haven't seen my current boyfriend for about 3 weeks because it's been too much to think about but that probably doesn't help with my coping.

 

Edited February 3, 2018 by Arctica

[Arctica]

@Shin <3

[h inandout]

I think it would be hard breaking up with someone, especially your first relationship.  It's okay to feel that way and observe that as you decide what to do.  If you do break up, or if you have some major revelation about the current boyfriend, there will be a period of ecstatic freedom afterwards, which you should totally milk for all it's juicy rewards.  And then another challenge will arise that might remind you of the old challenges with the old boyfriend (or the old version of the same boyfriend), but they will be slightly nuanced.  They might even be more heart breaking in fact.  It will become obvious that you have to spend time studying this stuff.  That's really my only recommendation, is to start studying now, a little bit at a time, and from multiple sources.  

[Arctica]

@h inandout Okay thank you  I am still undecided so it feels like the only thing I can comfortably do is to start studying this stuff and focus on myself and meditation. 

[aurum]

On 1/31/2018 at 0:30 AM, Arctica said:

I know that my current boyfriend can support and love me and we can have a successful future together so is that the only thing that matters? I don't really enjoy having sex with him anymore because I lack passion in him. Do I just need to seek all my fulfillment from myself and not look at my relationship for that?

You've got to be more honest with yourself about what you want.

It's clear you want a guy who makes you feel passion and excitement. That's why you hung out with the "other guy" even though you knew it would probably hurt the relationship.

If you don't own that sexual desire, it's going to keep playing out in damaging ways like you just described. You can't hide what's inside

What if instead you said "I want a man who makes me feel passion, excitement AND love and supported"? Might be tough to find that guy, but at least you're being honest about what you want and now you know what to look for.

Oh, and you deserve it.

[Shin]

5 hours ago, Arctica said:

@Shin <3

Just do it.

Otherwise you're setting yourself for a misery life.

No one here want that for you, nor do you, right ?

Don't waste time, do it NOW !

Call him and tell him it's over NOW !

Edited February 3, 2018 by Shin

[NoSelfSelf]

Wtf you break up if you want to go out with another dude thats not ok

[pluto]

The key is not to fall in love but to rise in love

[vibrate]

On 3.2.2018 at 3:59 AM, Shin said:

Honestly you are far too young to stay in a relationship that clearly doesn't work.

You see him as a friend not a lover, he doesn't turn you on and you find him boring.

Too much signs of a man that isn't in touch with his masculinity, so of course you go see other men, this one isn't one.

Just dump him, and go wild exploring you sexuality for a year or two, then search for a relationship again.

I strongly advise you to study female/male attraction, you will understand and know way better if a guy is a boyfriend/husband material if you do so.

What he said!!

Edited February 9, 2018 by vibrate