Tech And The City

[lambda]

You've heard of Sex and the City - enter Tech and the City, where I chronicle my path toward self-actualization as a Type-A tech worker in San Francisco. 

Goals of this journal:

• Be as authentic as possible on the ups and downs of my journey
• Solicit advice from all of you
• Have my voice heard in a public space

Self-actualization goals/where I'm at right now:

• Become less dependent on the opinions on other people. So much of my suffering stems from my obsession with what others think about me. I experience social anxiety around all but he most familiar people, and these fears frequently limit my personal growth. In fact, if I'm being honest, I put off posting on this forum when I didn't make the cut after applying as a moderator, out of embarrassment. Just today I asked a question of a worker at Whole Foods, and stammered a bit. I then spent the entire walk home dreading that she must have thought I was awkward, fearing that I'll never find another girlfriend (I recently broke up with my long-term "college sweetheart").
• Find an enduring source of self-worth and happiness. Right now, most, if not all of my self worth comes from the external world. Leo's video today regarding fake vs real growth really struck a chord with me. While I have healed some of my internal struggles (dispelling the anxieties entirely), my depression has been alleviated in large part by my extreme success in the business world at an early age, and my distraction via workaholism. At age 25, I work at a famous "unicorn" company and am likely to reach financial independence when we IPO in the next several years. I use this as a point of narcissistic, egoic pride as I compare myself with others -- deep down I am quite insecure. I work myself to the bone, putting in several 14-17 hour days last quarter. I am terrified of losing my standing in the company and expected future wealth, but also excited about the tremendous impact I'm having to the bottom line. Necessarily, working so many hours neglects my relationships, my health and emotional well-being, encouraging me to mask the problem with alcohol, sex (with my ex) and expensive food. While I love our company's core mission and believe we are doing good for the world, I need to find balance with other domains of life and stop letting my net worth dictate my self worth. 
• Deepen my connection with other humans. The above two points have made it difficult to connect with others/make many friends, and just pushed me further to seek egoic solutions to my problems. I would like to stop this.
• Become more attractive/successful in dating. This is at risk with being at odds with the previous 3 items on this list, but for my entire life I've struggled with attracting women due to my introversion and insecurity. I've ended up with long-term girlfriends as emotionally scarred as I am, which were primarily sustained by hedonistic pleasures like sex and fine dining (Leo would refer to this as "chimpery"). 

Recent progress:

• Early last year, I successfully ended a 7-year long, crippling marijuana addiction and am pleased to report I am still clean. 
• I've also broken up with my long-term college girlfriend of 4.5 years, ending a codependent toxic relationship in which we both held each other back. Near the end, it was entirely about sex.
• Today, I've decided to cut off my access to news sites, as I realized I spend hours browsing articles in a zombie-like state, wasting what little free time I have. I intend to replace this with higher-quality information sources.
• For the last 5 months, I've been back in weekly therapy, which has been a HUGE help. 
• I've been experimenting with supplementation/exercise and found tremendous benefits to my overall mood and sense of well-being (though this is by no means a panacea). 

I look forward to participating in this community -- it feels good just to get this out of my head and share it with everyone. Any and all comments are appreciated.

Cheers,

-TTB 

[lambda]

Well, today/last night were really tough. After I wrote last night's post, I broke down and I cried like I haven't cried in months, in sheer existential disbelief at what was so obvious yet so difficult to accept.

I had the "epiphany" Leo describes in his video on fake growth - that pretty much everything I've been manifesting over the last 5 years (through recovery from deep, suicidal depression) has been masking the original problem. If you somehow robbed me of these external factors, I'd be down in the dumps again. This is evident by my deep-seated fear of loss, abandonment, failure and rejection. It's not pleasant to work for years and years, achieving the results you wanted, only to realize that you've been treading water and rearranging external circumstances.

The truth of the matter is, I'm still highly neurotic. Out of the list of Leo's 40 signs of neurosis, here are the ones I self-identify as applying to me to some degree:

• Anxiety
• Obsessive thoughts
• Compulsive behavior
• Vague physical ailments (Insomnia, eczema)
• Depression
• Suicidal thoughts
• Anger/rage
• Social maladjustment (social anxiety)
• History of dysfunctional relationships
• Money problems (frivolous spending)
• Addictions (past: marijuana present: alcohol)
• Perfectionism
• Workaholic
• Stress
• Restlessness
• Preaching/moralizing (not doing this one as much anymore)
• Arguing/stubbornness (ditto)
• Narcissism
• Neediness/codependence in relationships
• Jealousy and envy
• Guilt and shame
• Keeping secrets
• Stiff, rigid body
• Nihilism
• Alcohol/drug addictions
• Obsessed with my physical appearance

In other words, pretty much all of them.

So why don't I have peace of mind? Deep down, I hate myself and I berate myself - that his how I've achieved such results in the external world. What I have is never enough and when I fall short, my inner critic goes on hyperdrive and I involuntarily start ideating about harming myself/suicide (even though deep down I really want to keep living and live an actualized life), effectively whipping myself into compliance. This has been the normal course of my life for well over a decade now. I don't accept myself, and will probably never accept myself in this state no matter what I achieve because the goalposts always move. The ultimate non-acceptance of myself is my non-acceptance of my non-acceptance. 

The costs are severe. I was thinking tonight, why do I fear rejection so much? I constantly see people out in the world I want to connect with, yet I say nothing to them out of fear of rejection. The sad truth is, my ego is so fragile it's terrified of the prospect of such rejection, fearful of the emotional state it may send me into, so it's safer to stay isolated. I can't accept the possibility that I might not hit it off with that person (refusal to accept reality) so I don't attempt.

Starting today, I hereby resolve to work on this problem. Here are the commitments I made at the end of Leo's video:

I am neurotic. I commit to discovering the roots of my neuroses. I commit to aligning to empirical reality. I commit to dropping all socially acquired beliefs. I commit to being more open to all emotions. I commit to loving myself and my life. I commit to dropping my "should" statements. I commit to gradual self-improvement. I commit to not being neurotic about my self-improvement. 

Next, I will privately write my top 5 neuroses and try to find the root causes motivating the behavior. More updates to come...

[lambda]

Had a really great conversation with my best friend and his sister last night, which called to my attention a few basic facts I've been neglecting:

1. I don't really have anyone I can talk to, other than my best friend and my therapist. I have a horrible relationship with both of my parents, and would go as far as to say I hate them. I certainly have no love for them, and the abuse they subjected me to, which led to my fucked up psychology today. While my friends can talk to their parents and have a generally loving relationship with them, I avoid mine at all costs. I haven't talked to my dad in a year and I only speak to my mom to keep up appearances with my family (questioning why I even do that anymore). 
2. I'm really deeply ashamed of my psychology and negative traits (neurosis, see previous post) because I'm terrified of coming off in the wrong light and scaring off my friends. This goes to the core of a fundamental fear I have of abandonment and ostracism, which if I really dig deep, underlies the majority of my fears and anxieties. In the end, this shame just amplifies the extreme self hate I cast upon myself. While these qualities are undesirable, it doesn't always make sense to blame myself for them, as they were developed as coping mechanisms to the childhood trauma I went through.

So, I've decided my top goal for 2016 is: to learn to love myself. 

I will follow a process I found on Teal Swan's channel whereby every day I live by the question, "What would someone who loves themselves do?"

The concept of self love is totally alien to me and I feel corny and false even telling myself  the words, "I love myself." I already feel my voice piping up, "No you don't you stupid fuck, you really hate yourself." Which is why this is such a big priority of mine - I'm only 25 and I've been torturing myself in this way for nearly two decades now. I want it to end, and I want this to be the year in which I learn to be happy, accept reality as it is now and love myself unconditionally in the face of reality.

I feel myself tempted by hopelessness, clawing at me to return to my addictions but I refuse to take the easy way out. Today I took a few simple steps toward improving my situation and treating myself with more respect: cleaning the mold out of my shower, eating healthier, washing my sheets and taking care of a work issue instead of procrastinating until Monday. I feel moderately better, although I am a long way from knowing what true self love feels like.

Has anyone been through a similar situation, or have advice on how I can learn to love myself coming from a background of extreme self hate? 

Best,

TTB

Edited March 13, 2016 by TenderloinTechBro