Kundalini synrome/psychosis story. Need help.

[COLORY89]

Hi everyone,

I want to share my store about my kundalini/spiritual awakening because I really don’t know what to do anymore and I think I really need some serious help or advice.

I’m 28 now. I’m a male from small town in Poland. I used to have suicidal thought since I was probably 17/18 years old.

At the end of January 2015 (it was around 100 days after I stopped masturbating and watching porn, I had been really addicted to them) there was a day that I started to feel terribly exhausted. I could feel like my muscles around my spine started to loosen up and moment later I just felt like my whole body just gave up. Suddenly I felt electric rush from the bottom of my spine to my head. My heart started pounding like crazy. I got up and after few minutes it just calmed down. After few hours I found information that it could be kundalini. I don’t think I had ever met this term before that day.

So in May 2016 I went vegan. In the middle of June I noticed that I got really bad eye floaters. It really freaked me out. I was really scared and all I did was searching internet to find some kind of cure. I found out that I got these floaters because I had been taking B2 in big amounts and it can be toxic and can cause floaters. I also found some anecdotal evidence that going for a prolonged fasting can cure floaters. So I decided to go for at least 20 days fast. I did it and it actually didn’t help at all. For 20 days I drank only water. 2 days after I ended my fast I got really bad panic attack. Next day I called my mom and she took me back to my hometown. I moved back to my parents house.

Whole January 2017 was really weird and spiritual experience. At least 2 nights a week I had some kind of clearing that I couldn’t control but was fully aware. I didn’t meditate or anything. Usually next day I felt really orgasmic and awesome. Many times especially when it was dark I was seeing white sparkles at the corners of my eyes. I was waking up almost every night between 3-5 AM and I was feeling that some kind of bad entities were watching me. I read a lot of spiritual material. I think it was the first month that I absolutely devoted all my time to kundalini, to work with it.

At the beginning of February 2017 I had some downs. It was a really bad and intense time of my life. It was like almost every day I was just laying down in my bed and the thoughts of past bad deeds were coming to me. There were different kind of experiences during next 3 months. For example in the times where I couldn’t eat and drink I had this urge to spit a lot of saliva. I had heart palpitations. I could see energy. I could see light when I was closing my eyes. I had the feeling that I have to concentrate on my 3rd eye. I had headaches. I felt pressure in my forehead and on the crown of my head. I had ringing in the ears. I felt that world is going through big change. I was thinking about spirituality and how world should look like almost all the time. I always had to get to the right answer. After bad days there were coming also good days were I started feeling this sexual orgasmic feeling. When I felt like that I usually fitted my thoughts into this feeling. I had really weird sexual fantasies. During that time I was really anxious about everything.

And there came the May of 2017 that was absolutely insane. I started to think about other people and things that I did to them. After dealing with my relations with people for two days I was completely exhausted. It was evening I was laying in my bed when suddenly I felt like my body just can’t go on. Despite all the adrenaline, my body just completely loosen up. I felt this energy that was going from my crouch into my head through my spine. My heart was pounding like crazy. It wasn’t like my previous kundalini experiences. I was completely awake and terrified. It was almost midnight. My thoughts were racing. Suddenly I started to have thoughts that I have to go outside. I started having these thoughts that I have to go the certain spot in the forest and that probably my “alien” family will be there waiting for me (this was probably from everything I read about whole earth awakening. It is said that creatures from space gathered here, now to help and earth move into higher plane). They weren’t there. After a while I started to have thoughts that I should hitchhike and go to some kind of drug addict facility and volunteered there (these thoughts probably appeared because of all the biblical texts about selfless servings to others). I had these thoughts to just leave everything now and go there in the middle of the night. I was terrified. I was considering hitchhiking if any of the cars were passing me by. I came back home. These thoughts about volunteering where vanishing but I still had these feeling, pounding heart and energy. I started having thoughts about making a big barbeque party for all my neighbors. I started to have these thoughts that were forcing me to make it as fearful as it can be for me. I was fighting these thoughts for hours. I couldn’t sleep. About 11 AM these feelings and thoughts started to vanish. Also the energy. I think I went to sleep around noon and slept for 2 hours. After I woke up I didn’t want to do it anymore. I felt quite normal. (just thinking about this event makes me anxious).

There came these two days that changed everything. I started to have the same “energy awakening” that I had week or two weeks earlier. This time my thoughts were about leaving my house, selling everything and starting to live with homeless people in the city that I had been at the university. I couldn’t stop these thoughts. I went for a walk to the forest near my house and I remember that there was a moment that I felt like I was having heart attack. My heart was pounding so hard that I had to sit on the ground. I felt that I have to leave everything. I was terrified. I was struggling with it whole night. Every time I told myself that I won’t do it, I felt that I can’t breathe and had spasms.

After not sleeping for whole night and started thinking that I really had to do this because if I don’t it won’t go away. I tried everything to calm down but I wasn’t able. I started watching a YouTube video from a guy who connects idea of psychosis with spiritual awakening. I had listened to his videos before. He told that when he had his “psychosis” he had to get naked in crowd of people and had peed himself. I’m not sure if I had these thoughts before listing to that video or after but from now on I was thinking about getting naked in public. I was terrified. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t take it anymore so I got naked in my house. I came to my mother and I asked her to hug me. She called ambulance. After talking with my parents they took me to the nearest psychiatrist hospital.

In the afternoon I started to have this weird feeling. I was feeling that some kind of bad energy is in me. I started to feel really anxious. I asked nurses for some pills for calming down. It didn’t do anything. This feeling was growing. I started to think about killing myself. I went to the bathroom. I put two bags on my head and tied socks around my neck. I started to suffocate. Despite how horrible suffocation felt I didn’t stop because I wanted to die so much. I passed out. Someone tore apart the bags and I woke up. They gave me a shot and put in me restraining bed in isolated room. I remember that when they put me there I thought that this terrible feeling would never end. They gave me another shot. I calmed down a little bit. I fell asleep. I woke up at night I was still under effects of shots but I was quite conscious. I didn’t feel the horrible urge to kill myself tho.

After two weeks I started having another “energy awakening”. I was thinking about getting naked in front of everybody. I went for a shot. It didn’t make much. After about half an hour I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I undressed myself completely in front of other patients. They put me in restraining bed. When I was laying there I felt quite peaceful but at the same time I didn’t feel 100% relieved.

During first week in second psychiatric hospital (I got transferred after 8 weeks) I had this terrifying experience. I woke up in the middle of the night and I was feeling this energy on the top of my head that felt like total death and terror. It was very intense. I was feeling like I was dying. It went off after about half of a minute. I was very scared. That happened to me again also over 2 months later.

When I got home I also wanted to get a job. But when I started searching job offers I started to feel pressure in my body and anxiety that I’m not supposed to do that. It’s like subconsciously I was afraid that this whole situation is still not resolved.

So I try to distract myself as much as I can. I came back home from hospital almost 4 months ago Over 2 months ago I got back to the gym and this the thing that helps me out. On weekends I’m seeing my friends and I actually can enjoy it. Not 100% but it’s better than in the last months before I got into hospital. I don’t drink alcohol and I haven’t smoked weed since February 2017.

I have really strong OCD (especially spiritual/ moral scrupulosity) from to time to time (I have one for about almost 4 weeks now).

I still try not to masturbate. I haven’t masturbated in almost 2 months now. But I watched some porn lately. I feel that this messes up with my dopamine. I recently got back my OCD so I think that these 2 can be related. I also fantasied a lot during spiritual times. I was feeling this orgasmic energy but I also fantasied so this energy could move more efficiently and I had more control over it. I’m not sure that I should do that. I tried masturbation without porn but after orgasm I felt that energetically my right side of body gets “closed”. All this energy is usually in left side.  Also when I got spasms before sleeping I usually get them in the left side of my belly. When I don’t masturbate I can feel that energy is building up inside me. It’s not that easy to control my thinking. I have more anxiety.

My dominating emotions are anger and anxiety. I can hear humming noise in my head almost all the time. I’m just so tired of this. I have depression on and off for five years now. My family is really worried. I just want to get a job or money just so my parents don’t have to pay for my living. I’m really worried that if another “energy awakening” happens or some major incident (like floaters) happens I won’t be able to go through this. I just feel so stuck and tired. I can’t get free. I’m so much in my head. I’m constantly on edge because I’m afraid of another “energy awakening”.

I never wanted this, never was interested in awakening. I knew that connection to God is important but not like this. If there is anything to stop it, tell me please. I just want to live regular live.

There is so much stuff that I did during my most spiritual time that I haven’t found that anybody else was doing. It’s like I think I was forcing a lot. I found this blog that seems that is written by a really educated guy. He says that these kind of experiences happened because of wrong spiritual practices and imagining/thinking too much and it seems that this is all that I was doing for a long time.

I tried advice that I found on the internet. Like walking barefoot, eating more meat and root vegetables, heavy lifting. That helped me but for short time. I started to feel energetic and I had motivation to create art but my libido kicked in and I masturbated (without porn or fantasy) once a week for few weeks and that mojo vanished. Maybe I shouldn’t masturbate and it would got even better but at the same time I should say that despite feeling better mentally there still was this fear.

The most popular advices that I found are opening front channel for getting your energy from head to ground (or stomach or genitals, I can’t remember). But I haven’t tried it because I don’t want to mess up with energy again. I live in a small town in Poland and there are not any people that could help me with energy. There are no kundalini gurus or at least I haven’t found them yet. I also don’t have any money so I can’t go to place where I could found one.

So what can I do? How I can stop it or reverse it? How I can live normal live again? What can I do if this “energy awakening” happen again? How I can calm it down?

My longer story: http://awakeningforums.com/thread/999/kundalini-syndrome-psychosis-story-help

[Vingger]

What i read is that the more you put your attention in what you don't know you just get worse

and the time when you just go simple it's all fine

what you need is to master a meditation technique and

for energy awakening thing go running around the town,

this will give you the insight you need to understand how to transcend it

try combine this activity with marihuana

 

 

Edited January 28, 2018 by Vingger

[Martin123]

@COLORY89 Wow, thats a really intense story. Im sorry for your pain terror and confusion. Thank you for sharing them.

Im quite amazed how well youve been able to cope and progress given what stuff went down in your life. Not an easy life youve had my friend.

Please consider watching the following video and other stuff from the guy

.Much love to you on your journey. May you return home.

 

[Elisabeth]

In case what you're looking for is a therapist, try checking out the spiritual emergence network webside. 

[lens]

You are too caught up in too many stories, on the link you said

"Just please don’t give me advice – that I should let go, just surrender trust your intuition because I’m completely exhausted surrendering and doing what my “intuition” told me to do"

I can't even imagine what you must feel, and I know it's not going to be easy for you, but surrendering doesn't mean going out there and doing it x z or y, surrendering means full acceptance of how you are feeling, if you feel fear let yourself feel it, if you feel brave let yourself feel it. Believing in stories about what it can mean just creates a distraction of what they can actually mean. I'm not a pyschological professional but if I were to to give you "advice" is to sit down, breath, and trace everything back. All your memories, all your suffering, they are memories that you assume have this immense power over you, they don't. Thoughts will always mislead you, the key is not to identify yourself with them. you will need to go deeper, and that means having to face your fears, don't fear the emptiness. Deconstruct yourself, actually go out of your way to understand what is happening to you, your thoughts come and go and they should not control you. Imagine an animal that scares you, now imagine it moving through your body, you might feel discomfort but there is nothing there, and yet your mind likes to believe there is a reason to worry. You need to become aware of your thoughts as what they are, thoughts. You can still live a normal life, what is important is to keep mindful about it. Are you taking any sort of medicament for your ocd on a daily basis?

[AlwaysBeNice]

What happened is your psychosomatic energy system got aroused, and it started purging your body-mind of negative beliefs/emotions, but not everything could be let go of and your conditioned mind (or (negative) ego) backlashed and you went along with it.

So you have to stop believing your thoughts, including and especially the ones that say you are now 'crazy/bad/have a problem' (which you kind of are, but that is only because you are still too deeply involved in the (poorly conditioned) story mind).

So your job, and your only true job in this life, is to find out who you are and live an enlightened life, this is what the kundalini also tries to teach, for you to let go of everything.

Enlightenment is realizing who you are as the Self, which knows: it has nothing to do, no one to be, and no where to go, and then are free, nothing, a nobody, and happy and in love.

But the tastes you got was too much of an opening, it was too different from how you were brought up (with religious guilt and sin, judgement and strive etc)., and so the mind came up with ideas of needing to do something, needing to be someone, even though you were experimenting with totally not being how you wanted to be, too confront yourself with your beliefs.

So everything is fine, just pick something simple you want to do in life, anything, and during it and in your spare time just devote yourself to self-inquiry, love, meditation and let it work itself out and just enjoy, it'll be, or it is great.

[Viking]

stop reading on the interenet. stop listening to people's advice (its ironic now lol) youre in deep new age belief dogshit. its good to be openminded but man, you just believe everything people tell you.

you have to get rid of all of these stupid beliefs. start doing legit spiritual practice that doesnt concern energy or kundalini or whatever the fuck, im not saying its complete bullshit, but a lot of what people build around it is. start practicing mindfulness and start doing legit spiritual work. you believe your thoughts too much, start meditating if you dont, what kind of spiritual practice you do if you dont meditate? you read a bunch of cool sounding spiritual stuff but all of that is belief! 

you experience something and then your mind tries to put a name on it, just experience, without labeling.

I think youre too deep to go back, you have to go further but on the less belief path. (notice i didnt say better path because that would be a belief) read deeply into a book like "the book of not knowing" by peter ralston. get rid of all of your beliefs, none of them is truth and none of them are what you seek. this book will open your eyes a little if you read it thoroughly.

I would recommend to stop altogether from reading new age stuff (if you can tell the difference) until you get your shit together. i would recommend really to buy leo's booklist and read stuff from there, start rebuilding your life.

you want to die? great! thats what this forum is all about. but do it the not-lazy way, you have to work for your death. (if youre not aware im talking about enlightenment of course).

[h inandout]

?I wonder what your moments of lucidity looked like during this episode.  It sounds like you experienced some disidentification up until a point.  I wonder what that edge looked like for you.

[YellowButterfly]

In the case of a kundalini crisis this can happen. I hope you are doing better. One thing I see from your post is a lot of anxiety and panic. This can often be a bad combo with kundalini. Even legit spiritual practice and meditation can spark up a kundalini as it did me so the prior post suggesting it, just an f.y.i. it can spur it on. I never had such an experience until I began meditating. I did have some experience, however, when I had mine to know better what to expect were it to occur and to stay in a positive mindset. I also do agree to cut out new agey material and to be careful what information you listen to. Also, if you're still meditating as it said from your link I'd put the breaks on for a bit and pace yourself as it seems like you've overloaded yourself with this. Just like exercising too much your body needs a break. My head hums constantly as well like tinnitus but more hum like. It's not distracting or unpleasant or anything and it'll probably never go away but I'm ok with it. It seems like just a symptom of a nervous system that has sparked up. My whole experience with kundalini has been very pleasant with none of the more negative side effects but I think that is in large part due to me not having any amount of fear or panic throughout the experience. If I had to pinpoint anything it'd be the darker more panic stricken thoughts. Meaning no offense, but I think you gotta relax and chill a little bit. Panic and darker feelings and emotions can cause psychosis to take over and it sort of controls you rather than you controlling it. In a similar way that people can have either a good experience with things like ayahuasca or a negative experience depending upon their emotions or mental state. Maybe try more positive activities and try keeping a more positive mindset. Take it from someone who has experienced intense kundalini, being so anxious and panicked often only makes it worse and it can spur on psychosis if one is not careful. Also, try to avoid darker thoughts like suicide. I never had the thought of suicide and I seriously think that could make this a lot harder thing to go through. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Yes, it's bizarre, probably one of the most extreme experiences one can have, but I always viewed it as more of a natural occurrence than anything to be worried about. It's also an extremely intense experience so you're going to need to rest a little bit. I think releasing that fear and turning to a brighter mindset is a big one on this. Please try and stay positive and I really hope it does get better.

Edited February 2, 2018 by YellowButterfly

[COLORY89]

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate them:)

Afer reading all responses on many forums I think I come with some conclusions why it all happened as it happened. At the same time I think that the best answers came from this forum. There were many good pieces of advice. I find that the best responses were from @lens and @AlwaysBeNice.I think I was forcing a lot. I was too much in my head and I was trying to understand everything that I was feeling. I think this is what I was doing wrong. In my "most spiritual" months right before hospitalization I was acting on every thought/feeling, especially those connected to fear. If I was doing something and fear came up, I was trying imeddiately to go into this fear especially on the level of thinking and do something about it. Usually it resulted in magnifying this fear and dwelling on it for many hours until I was completly exhausted. Maybe in the begining I was trying to just feel that fear, but I think that with time this fears started getting quite irrational and I was trying to understand the message behind this fear instead just trying to process it through just feeling them without judging. So I was living in constant fear for a few months and I think that I conditioned my subconcious mind so well in showing me my deepest fears that almost every day I was dealing with something. Not because kundalini wanted to clear my fears but because I conditioned myself to act upon every thought or feeling. After few months of such practices my body just gave up and kundalini just explosed through my canals. Right now I'm not doing any spiritual practice because I wanted all the energy to settle.

The thing about not believing everything that I think or read is great advice. When I had my "energy awakening" my subconcious mind was throwing everything that it had about what I should do which was based on my beliefs, especially from gospels. There was no way for me to confront/process those fears cause I was so conditioned to think/act upon those fears. @AlwaysBeNice wrote something about that my mind came with ideas of doing something/ be somebody because my mind wasn't able to put label of what is going on. It was like it didn't let me to feel this feelings because they were so unfamilliar or it was so afraid of them.

It's about 8 months since my worst days. During that time I haven't felt kundalini. I was feeling like I was stuck and that it's still not over. And few days ago my kundalini awaken again. I think the energy in my body build up so much that it had to move up.

This time when kundalini was doing it's clearing I wasn't in my head and I was just trying to feel without judging. It wasn't easy but I think that was the thing that I should do. Yesterday the energy was keeping me awake almost all night, today I feel really tired but at the same time I'm able to do the things that I planed.