Really bad delusional episode right now

[Nadosa]

Ok...I was watching Leos enlightening video...then he said...you dont control your arms and stuff and you dont have free will. And my mind which is still very fragile went into full delusion mode and I again felt like I am destined to commit suicide and that nothing will change that. I tried to explain it with my mind, I tried searching in my mind for who I am and that brought me in this state again. I know I shouldnt have done it, stick to my methods of finally getting on a healthy path, and Ive been I guess, but now I feel traumatized just by my stupid mind and my reaction to the thoughts. I instantly lost all of my connection to my loved ones again.

Dont we have free will in a sense of reacting to events and thoughts?

I am shaking so bad at the moment. I have an identity issue, I cant identify with a self anymore, for example, I cant imagine the observer oberserving the thoughts anymore, it just doesnt work anymore, and I dont know who I am, why am I a body if I am not it and just awareness observing it? I feel very suicidal at the moment...wait I cant die anyway, can I? All I feel is the person I think I am wants to die. Maybe I went a bit too far this time. I feel like even if I recovered I would never be functioning delusional-free after this experience.

Ok I really really need to know how to have a healthily working ego again, it is mentally destroying me.

Edited January 27, 2018 by Nadosa

[lens]

okay, keep an open mind and breath slowly. There is literally nothing to worry about, i mean it. What you are undergoing right now is the ego slowly realizing the truth. Now take another breath because i'm going to try to explain this to you in the most gentle way possible

You don't control your thoughts, you don't control how you will feel in relations to your thoughts, therefore you cannot control how you are going to act next in relation to how you feel, because all of it has been already decided by the brain, who works by using information about the past which it decided to keep for whatever reason(notice you cannot decide what to remenber and what to forget, cause it's not you). This fear you are feeling it's the fear of ego-death, but no matter how melancholic you feel understand that it is not real, it can feel like a knife going through your heart, understand this, it's there to keep you still and from realizing the truth. you are not who you think you are, that's it. you're not in trouble, you are not in danger, there's nothing wrong going on. You are not an observer, you are the observation, you are the experience itself, you are, that's the most fucking powerful thing in the god damn universe. you cannot be controlled and there is nothing you can control, you are the experience seeing that it is an experience. The problem is the experience thinks it's an entity, and letting go of old world views can be shocking and scary but hold tight. There's nothing wrong with ego, heck we need it in order to make this life seem interesting, but what happens is your fake self, you character, wants to leave the play of life while still being it because it read the script and in it  it says it's going to die. don't mistake physical death with actual death, truth is everyone is already dead, you just haven't realized yet, there is no need to go that far, you are scared but it will pass.

 

Now, about going back to the ego, understand this, everyone no matter how freaking enlightened has an ego, the difference is they don't identify with it, they can't, it makes no more sense anymore, because they are not it, you are not your ego, this suffering is literally not yours. much like a random thought that pops into your head cannot be yours because you didn't create it how can this suffering be? you didn't choose how to feel this way did you? The solution is not denying the truth, it's embracing it. It is going to be hard, it is going to be frustrating, and it will test you, but that doesn't mean it's over for you. "Nadosa" is your character, it will still do "Nadosa" stuff, the difference will be that once it realizes the truth it won't suffer anymore with the delusions, you can go back to live life again no problem but the difference is that you will know the truth. you will develop more compassion for yourself and you are going to understand why people are the way they are. Have faith that by investigating the truth you will understand it and still enjoy life. If i may recommend a book once you are more relaxed and willing to embrace the fear, read jed mckenna's the damnedest thing, he's a bit of a dick but you can't deny his points. 

 

When I used to do self inquiry i'd feel a horror like i was being hunted down, it was by far one of the worse sensations i felt, but that was fake fear and i kept at it, and now it's gone, it may look horrible now, but trust me, it isn't. Now i see that the fear was never trully real, when you realize what you trully are there is nothing to fear, only to enjoy.

[Ian]

@Nadosa

Firstly, I am so sorry for your pain, you beautiful, magnificent person.

It may well be true that you have no control over the events that play out in your life, but please, know that you absolutely have free will over how you choose to perceive and judge the events.

To me, you appear to be what is known as an 'empath'. An empath is an energetically-sensitive person, who is tune with the feelings of themselves and of others. In fact, it's often incredibly hard to tell what are your feelings, and what are the feelings of others! While people like Leo can blast their consciousness to the moon and not suffer too badly, the empath is working on a deeper, energetic level.

The path of the empath is one of unconditional self-love. You are an aspect of divine light (a soul) seated within a body. You are its spirit guide. Yes, you can do intense enlightenment work to realize that you are not the body and are the infinite light of the universe, but that's not really the point. Your mission is to understand, at least conceptually, that you are perfect, and it is your body that is on an intense healing journey.

Your wanting to end your life, then, is a perfectly understandable reaction of your soul to a body that is very, very sick. You want to be anywhere except in the body you have been born into, and that's ok. If the only satisfactory resolution is to kill the body, then that is what is best. But remember this: the body is completely innocent. Are you ok with the idea of murdering an innocent, ill body just because you don't want to be inside it?

The ideal solution, then, is to accept that it is not you that is on a journey, but your body. Give it the space, time, and love it needs to heal.

May you be blessed with healing love

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Main ideas are from this video):

 

[Nadosa]

I probably went through several ego deaths in the last few months, yet the ego came back with vengeance.

I dont hate myself, I dont hate my body, I wouldnt do anything to it, but the stories in my mind just wont stop, and they have been going on like this for 6 months now and I wish I would not have the urge to identify with the thoughts. I keep thinking that many people would have already commited suicide if they were in my shoes, although I dont feel so aware of myself.

The ego really has a big fear of realizing the truth, I think it is called upper (not so good) and lower (ego realizes it is an illusion) death drive. 

So, when I first meditated earlier last year and observed my thoughts as the observer, a deep peace settled in, wasnt that ego death? So why doesnt observing work anymore?

The last months, I literally went into levels in my mind I thought never exist because it made me feel so damn surreal and I wonder what a normal person feels like without knowing what a (devilish) tool they are lead by. It makes me go crazy having these stories leading my life, but they go so deep and touch my whole existence.

Damn maybe I even had an enlightening moment, but I rather feel like there are some broken neurons in my brain. I sometimes wonder if I even have a brain because I feel so crazy.

Edited January 28, 2018 by Nadosa

[lens]

12 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

I probably went through several ego deaths in the last few months, yet the ego came back with vengeance.

@Nadosa It's normal, it's not that easy either. Try to find where the "I" that is suffering is, whenever you feel that truth is scaring you that's when you know you are pushing a button, let the fear come and go. Your thoughts are illusory, think about an animal that scares you, like a a big fuzzy spider, imagine it crawiling over your body, or getting inside of your mouth, that feeling of "argh!" might feel real but do you actually see a spider? no, and yet it can completly change your mood, without having a good reason. It can feel real, but it is not. the point is not to run away from it, embrace whatever you are feeling, let yourself feel what needs to be feltand watch it come and go like a meaningless wave.

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So, when I first meditated earlier last year and observed my thoughts as the observer, a deep peace settled in, wasnt that ego death? So why doesnt observing work anymore?

you are not an observer, that's an ego trap, you are not behind the eyes, you aren't located anywhere, try to become really conscious about this.

if it didn't stay it wasn't true ego death, also you cannot force peace to come, when you try to force peace you get a war

 

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I literally went into levels in my mind I thought never exist because they make me feel so damn surreal and I wonder what a normal person feels like without knowing what a (devilish) tool they are lead by. It makes me go crazy having these stories leading my life, but they go so deep and touch my whole existence.

Most people in this forum came because of their suffering, in the end everyone wants to escape it, not face it. There's only one way for you to get rid of the pain, and it is by seeing the stories for what they are, stories. Your ego is going to want to hold them as truth, because admiting they are not real means killing the ego, stay strong and do the research, update your progress if you can

[Nahm]

@Nadosa It’s easier to not believe your thoughts, if you are willing to look around you right now, and listen deeply, and see, you are fine. Just look around you. Can you see it? Can you simple be in the now, as it is, without projecting your stories on it? Joy. 

[Nadosa]

If it was that easy. Maybe it is. But my brain just does not function like this.

[ItsAvi]

@Nadosa As  @lens was saying, notice the fear and  suffering you are going through. If you look closely you'll notice a spontaneous  creation of images and a thought story along with it. You can get to a point where you can watch it create itself and vanish just as quickly. I say this because the experience you  describe here...the horror and  the pain  that comes with it, is what I went through last year. And let me also mention that I tried to run away from it as well. As Lens said, most people try to run away from it and I can vouch from my experience that it indeed does not work. It's scary and  the last thing you might want to do (It was certainly the last thing for me..that's why it took a year!) is face is directly, but if you can get yourself to do so, the suffering can vanish in a surprising instant. It will likely come back until you see through the many stories that will be created in  front  of you but once you start seeing through  them the suffering  will vanish just as quick as it came.

I want to try and give  you some practical tools to help with this so I reccomend keeping a few  things in mind:

• Be brutally self-honest about what  is going  on inside you. Examine it, observe it, question it. Look at if it's real, what it is made out of, where it is. 
• Confront your fears going on internally as directly as possible. Same as above, notice the internal fears, the thoughts and images that go with it that you are avoiding.

I'm giving this hoping  that  it will help shorten the distance between you recognizing what you saw and confronting it. As mentioned, because this bears repeating, running away from this will not do anything for you. You have to face it. Good luck