Diary of a Liar

[stevegan928]

@Spacious There is a popular saying in occult circles "Acceptance and Will". 

This song comes to mind.

 

[stevegan928]

• 30 Ways Stage Yellow Re-contextualizes Your Ass
• The Metaphysical Implications Of Making A Girl Squirt
• How To Become A Rockstar Vegetable Soup 
• How Enlightenment Had A Leo Experience: God Becomes Absolute Leo
• 64 Benefits Of Hitler Reacting To A Commonplace Book 
• Meditation's Solo Leo Retreat: 90 Hours Of Nonstop Leo In The Forest
• True vs False Squirting 
• How To Shop For Healthy Non-Duality 
• Learning = 5meo2cb
• Leo's Super Healthy Blueberry DMT
• Learning = Squirting 
• Learning = Vegetable Soup
• How To Raise Rockstar Hitlers: Over 40 Techniques 
• Understanding Explosive Orgasm Psychology: The Most SHOCKING Truth You'll Ever Hear 
• The Dark Side Of Vegetable Soup  

[stevegan928]

So I've started my self-help journey by making a list of self help practices I feel would help me, then I put the list in an envelope and wrote on the envelope "Touch for self improvement" I made sure I touched it every day. Didn't do any of the practices, no, I would just make sure to touch a piece of paper each day. The paper is pinned up behind my shelf on the wall where I keep some of my self-help books (I've never read a whole entire self-help book btw) I just collect them I guess. So what this did for me I guess is it ensured that I cannot just buzz through my day without acknowledging at some point the necessity for me to self-actualize. If I feel myself dozing off I instinctively ask myself if I touched the paper today, so I guess it just gives me a little bit of responsibility. Then I added to my self-help practice, I started making my bed before I go to work, this ensures that I make my bed at least 4 times a week. Also just to switch things up I started doing a little ritual before I touch the paper, I would do a little spin, (a full 360) before I touch it, so now I'm a dog I guess. But now I feel I've ascended to the next level, I have actually cleaned my room and my kitchen, like the good little lobster dog that I am. They aren't spotless but they're good enough that I feel the difference, the energy in these rooms don't have the same dense frequency they had before. There is still more to do but I'm not gonna force myself to do it, I'm still trying to be conscious of my should statements. As for meditation I've given up on that for now, I meditate at certain points throughout the day or throughout the week. Whats the difference between proper meditation and proper life anyway? Notice how I said "proper" because these things done properly bleed into one another. 

What is my meditation practice? Throughout the day I find myself having neurotic thoughts, I then simply switch to "being cognition" and start perceiving reality from the perspective that I can't "get anything out of it" so that would mean I can't get anything out of my job, I can't get anything out of watching a self-help video,I can't get anything out of mindfulness, I can't even get anything out of being cognition. Releasing should statements sometimes feels like a meditation as well.  

That's just what I've been up to as well as a little bit of contemplation which I may make some journal entries about later. 

[stevegan928]

I'm beginning to think that enlightenment arises out of insanity, I do all this contemplation but at the end of the day, if my boss is around I make sure to behave, if my family is around I make sure to put on my family costume, if I'm at church I put on my church costume, if I'm talking to a pretty girl I put on my confidence costume, costumes, costumes, costumes. I'm absolutely sick of the costumes, I want to just burn them all. The issue with this however is it will result in insanity. I will make people uncomfortable, friends won't wanna be around me anymore, "Stevens gone" they'll say, same with my family. Enlightenment really is death in this sense. So in this sense I certainly am becoming suicidal, I do wish to kill myself, I wish to kill the self that I constructed. What's stopping me? Fear. This is actually why I don't meditate or "self-inquire." I can see through the bullshit, I know that if I finish my meditation session and I still have all these costumes there's no point. "Oh but the costumes fade away with time" bullshit. I can choose to burn the costumes whenever I want but the uncertainty of what may follow is what instills fear in my heart and stops me from doing it. I do meditate from a hedonistic comfort perspective, I spend all my time seeking comfort so when I experience discomfort I meditate on it to be more comfortable. In this world of costumes I've constructed that's all that I find worthwhile is hot cheetos, porn, daydreaming, and youtube videos. Earlier in my journal posts I mentioned how when I do choose to properly seek enlightenment I think I'll realize it rather quickly. I still stand by that. Let me explain. If I start meditating for an hour a day I see myself quitting my job within the next 5 months (that's being generous more like 3) then I'll get rid of most of my belongings, cut my sister and her boyfriend out of my life by explaining to them that I'm about to start undergoing serious changes, I'll explain the same to everyone else in my life. I'll go be homeless and meditate by the river all day in the heat, I'll get groceries when I'm hungry and while I'm at the store I'll practice openness (this is where the insanity comes in) if I see a girl that I think is pretty I'll tell her "you're gorgeous" with an insane wide eyed look on my dirty, smelly, hobo face, she'll then get scared and run off, I'll express how that makes me feel right there in the moment, I'll be very open to everyone in the store, so open they need to get the fuck away from me, I'll be the opposite of contracted, I'll be expanded, I'll manspread all over society. As I walk back to the river I'll continue with my insanity, I'll be singing in tongues, chanting, talking to myself, talking to animals and trees. Then when I'm back at my meditation spot I'll just go back to silence, I'll sit until I physically can no longer keep my back straight and then I'll lay down for sleep. 

You see what these monks get wrong is the humbleness and politeness bullshit that they tack onto spirituality. Burn that costume, burn it to ash. Be batshit crazy expressive and look the terrified civilian in the eyes as your presence expands past the point of comfort, make them cringe, make them all cringe. If they expand with you then good, you're in the presence of a real human, as opposed to the usual zombie. While in public I'll be led by my whim, while in solitude I'll be led by my will. You see because there's nothing challenging about going crazy in solitude so that's the time to be a monk, but while in public we're met with resistance to the idea of insanity. My idea is that if we face this resistance head on, if we face our fears, we'll purge ourselves of the lie, the lie of the ego, Truth will be all that's left. After we find Truth then maybe we make some costumes again but this time we'll add some breathing room.  

Edited September 3, 2018 by stevegan928

[stevegan928]

The remembering of homeostasis is a meditation in and of it's self. Your bad day today is the consequence of your good day a week ago and visa versa. This is probably why Shinzen Young says that strong determination sitting is the quickest way to enlightenment, if you voluntarily put yourself through that level of hellish suffering it's only natural to emerge on the other side in a state of bliss. Furthermore many consider enlightenment to be "the final disappointment" you do all that work, go through all that suffering, just to realize there's nothing to realize "that was kinda dumb" as Jed would put it. But then you get the reward of flowing through life without the heavy burden of all your thought stories. 

Remember homeostasis.  

[stevegan928]

So I just had a very odd dream where I took 5meo-DMT. It's hard to remember in full but I'll do my best to explain it. So the setting was odd, it sort of reminded me of the videogame known as Resistance, all I remember is it seemed almost war torn and a bit post-apocalyptic/alien. Martin Ball was in it and he was the one administering the drugs, I remember there where many buckets of icecream there as well, like it was comfort food for a bad trip or something, I remember being a little thrown off by that and thinking it was kinda stupid. When it was my turn to take the drugs I was laying down and Martin was kneeling at my feet, I don't know how I took them. Did he inject my feet with 5meo? Did he put it up my ass? Some questions may never be answered, but I just remember being disappointed by the effects. I remember a surge of tingling sensation/energy going from my mid section outwards, so from around my heart and gut chakra to my arms and then my hands, my legs and then my feet, also to my balls which felt very weird and uncomfortable, the whole thing felt slightly uncomfortable, like my body was ready for a death trip but couldn't quite get there, I remember flying up into the air and seeing the landscape stretch like a piece of rubber, buildings being separated further from one and other.  I can't remember much else from my "trip" I just remember being disappointed. 

Another Unrelated Dream I Had In The Same Night:

So my best friend recently committed suicide and last night he was in a very odd dream of mine. I think I was in his home town of Winnemucca but I'm not sure, I was with my dad, we were riding a dirt bike, all 3 of us were somehow riding the same dirt bike, it was just me and my dad but then we picked up my friend, we saw a drop off on the side of the intersection, my dad just fucking drove off it, but it's okay because there was a ramp at the bottom so we landed perfectly. I don't remember much else from the dream, later I was left with the dirt bike to myself and I was driving around in the dirt, a voice in my head was making commentary on the indestructibility of dirt tires, I then went to ride the bike on the road but remembered that I don't have a licences and this vehicle isn't street legal so I pulled off to the side and started walking the bike, I saw a very odd looking police car that wasn't really a police car, I think it was an animal patrol van with police sirens and lights on top, it pulled me over, a guy got out and said something like "I'm not here to give you a ticket today, I'm here to give you your package that came in the mail." I woke up before I had time to see what it was, I think I already know what it was.  

[stevegan928]

So yeah as a kid I would have very strange thoughts, I actually considered the possibility that the whole universe is watching me at all times and I'm the center of the universe. I thought that maybe there are aliens up in the sky who spy on me at all times with some type of satellite technology that can look through walls, they would put people in my life that then go and share information about me with the aliens, this information would then be passed on to all other living creatures in the universe. I didn't know what they were up to but it felt bad. It was simply a thought that I would occasionally have that would fill my tiny toddler self with existential dread. As I grew older I would have this thought less and less and I would always feel better when I noticed that I haven't thought about it in a long time. "Oh look it's been like 9 months since I've thought about that" or "Wow I haven't thought about that in like 2 years." I once also met a friend who seemed to have similar suspicions. He once asked me with full seriousness "Are you real?" I missed a great opportunity to fuck with him there.  

[stevegan928]

On 6/25/2018 at 7:18 PM, stevegan928 said:

 

My turtle's life was put to an end recently. I asked my dad how my turtle was doing and he just looked at me with a sad look on his face and told me he passed away. Don't feel bad for me of course because I actually felt kind of happy "oh great now I don't have to worry about taking care of him for another 20 years" (turtles live a long time) you see I was planning on buying him a new big tank and some new filters. I thought that I'd feel a lot better about myself if I started taking better care of him. My turtle would come to mind often whenever I would think about the ways I cause suffering in this world, like I thought about this turtle a lot probably in a similar way to how a father thinks about his estranged child, this turtle was my responsibility and completely relied on me for life and I purposely chose to ignore it. I deserve to reincarnate as that exact turtle. 

One time I was hooking up with this girl I met on tinder. It was our second time hooking up, as soon as I stepped in her front door she asked me "how was your day?" I responded "fine I was just cleaning my turtle's cage" she responded "you have a pet turtle? cool kid" she then said "I use to have a pet turtle but it annoyed me so I killed it" I respond "you what?" she respond "yeah I threw it off my balcony it was funny" so me being a vegan at the time you know what I did? I fucked her, busted a nut on her face, and left. Then we fucked one more time after that. She later told me she's pregnant and I'm the father and she's getting an abortion, I told her I would reimburse her the $500 she spent on the abortion. After she had the abortion I asked her if I could see a receipt, when she said she didn't have one I told her that I won't be paying her back because I don't believe she was ever pregnant. She then blocked me on all platforms.  This was about 18 months ago. 

[stevegan928]

Absolutely everything I do is for my own self interest including me admitting this fact. I make this journal to feel superior or something. I am more honest and open than anyone else on the forum. My journal is more honest and open than anyone else's journals. I don't meditate, I don't need to. I don't read books, I don't need to. I'm special, I'm better than you. In fact you're delusional for doing any of those things. Although internal conflict does arise  a lot because I buy books and programs but don't read/do them. The reason I buy them is because part of me does actually want to be this healthy, well adjusted self-help hobbyist but another part of me thinks that's all bullshit. On top of all that I'm mostly just fucking lazy. I'm also addicted to spiritual and philosophical bypassing to some extent. I daydream all day about what the self-actualized version of me would be like and it seems like he actually tries to come out. He tries to come out by convincing me to buy books and courses that interest him (or me?) but then I just don't read them.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Maybe I'm brainwashed by our consumerist society that I just need to buy magic pills to solve all my problems. Because that's the way I treat things it seems. I buy a course but forget that I actually need to do the shit suggested in it if I expect to get any results. I buy them for entertainment as well though. 

So What Is My Version Of A Self-Actualized Person? 

Basically my hierarchy for self-actualization is you're either enlightened (top of the pyramid) or you're unenlightened (bottom of the pyramid) this is what allows me to think I'm better than others because I believe I'm the best of the unenlightened folk. Out of the enlightened folk the best ones are the ones who achieved enlightenment with the smallest amount of seeking.    

What am I gonna have to do to get some more replies up in this bitch? (rhetorical question)  

Edited September 16, 2018 by stevegan928

[stevegan928]

If my whole family died I think I would feel relief. Same goes for all my material possessions, if all my stuff burned in a fire I think I'd actually feel a sense on relief but I could be wrong. However I would probably feel a lot of emotional pain if just a single family member died and I just lost one of my material possessions like my laptop. Maybe I feel this way because losing one thing is like an open wound and losing it all is like just dropping dead to merge with God. 

Today I took seriously the thought that my mother could die any day, like literally any day because she's actually a serious addict. If someone called to tell me one day that she died I'd feel a sense of relief because she'd be put out of her misery as would I to some extent because looking at her causes suffering within me. I remember when she wasn't so skinny and her teeth looked normal, when she got regular sleep, when she seemed to have it together. She's still my mom though and I recognize her as that, I love her and I wish I was more myself around her like I was when I was a little kid. Whenever she or my dad call me I do that thing where I try to get off the phone as soon as possible but I also usually try to hide the fact that I'm doing that. 

I daydream about learning how to grow psilocybin mushrooms and introducing them to my mom through micro-dosing, I'd put like one mushroom in a smoothie like every other day and eventually she'd naturally stop wanting to do drugs. (as I typed that I wanted to judge our society for making them illegal but I remembered the dangers of that (what are those dangers again? I really wanna judge actually) oh yeah, all that evil exists within me yadda yadda yadda) 

 

 

[RiseAbove]

On 2018. 08. 31. at 1:58 AM, stevegan928 said:

• 30 Ways Stage Yellow Re-contextualizes Your Ass
• The Metaphysical Implications Of Making A Girl Squirt
• How To Become A Rockstar Vegetable Soup 
• How Enlightenment Had A Leo Experience: God Becomes Absolute Leo
• 64 Benefits Of Hitler Reacting To A Commonplace Book 
• Meditation's Solo Leo Retreat: 90 Hours Of Nonstop Leo In The Forest
• True vs False Squirting 
• How To Shop For Healthy Non-Duality 
• Learning = 5meo2cb
• Leo's Super Healthy Blueberry DMT
• Learning = Squirting 
• Learning = Vegetable Soup
• How To Raise Rockstar Hitlers: Over 40 Techniques 
• Understanding Explosive Orgasm Psychology: The Most SHOCKING Truth You'll Ever Hear 
• The Dark Side Of Vegetable Soup  

This is gold!  

[stevegan928]

I find myself tormented by the fact that I am nothing, I have no identity, if someone asks what I do or how I spend my day I would be glad to tell them that I'm a drug addict, or a porn addict, or something, anything. I'm a faker, I'm a poser, I'm not an intellectual, however I could appear to be one for a short period of time, I'm not a creative type, however most mistaken me for that because of maybe how I carry myself. I find myself delaying action taking because nothing significant enough has happened in the plot yet for me to go on and take this hero's journey. In fact I feel like my plot Isn't even a plot at all but a glitch, God was drunk or s/he hit his head or something. I'm an unfinished, sloppy outline of a person, no real person. I get transmissions of all the ideas that came from this unfinished outline, ideas for real people that actually exist in real universes, they have real stories, real talent, real character development. In my daydreams I get transmissions of these other versions of me and it hurts that I couldn't be them. All that's left is to make a journal entree and hope for a spontaneous insight. 

Edited December 4, 2018 by stevegan928

[stevegan928]

Goodness I sound like a schizo. Maybe that's what I am. The schizo who manages to fool coworkers, friends, and family into thinking he's a normal human being. Maybe I'm suppressing my inner insane hobo? I do in fact want to sell all my things to become a homeless ascetic/town schizoid. Being a normal functioning human is becoming more and more harsh on my psyche, I'm suppressing my urge to express my authentic clinically insane self, whom no one would hire or even want to talk to.  

[stevegan928]

 

[stevegan928]

On Sadness & Anger

It seems as though sadness and anger are the 2 most embarrassing emotions to let out in public. Sadness being a little more embarrassing for guys depending on the context. I notice however when I let myself be fully sad on my own to the point of crying I feel like I'm being healed, anger however doesn't seem to have that same effect. I feel shameful for expressing my anger by myself because I feel like a fraud for whatever reason. I would be more embarrassed to be seen in a fit of rage than I would to be seen crying. Maybe because anger puts blame on the world and doesn't admit to having lost fair and square. While sadness humbly asks to be saved from the conditions that anger outright denies. 

I've had anger issues my whole life, I've gotten better at hiding it and suppressing it over the years. I'd be much happier if I had let these anger issues be sadness issue more often.  

[stevegan928]

What is depression? I feel like if I can't bring myself to do 5 minutes of meditation a day or read a whole page out of a book I'm probably depressed, however I feel like I'm choosing this, but am I? Why can't I do anything or take any action? Why can't I exert any willpower? I don't know what to say without sounding like I want others to feel sorry for me. Do I want that? I'm really not sure if I do or not. I wanna say things in this journal like "I'm a piece of shit" but I don't know why I wanna say that. I want to be sorry. For myself and for others. Sorry sorry sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. That's all I can say really. I'm the guy Leo talked about, the one who binged self help content and became mentally ill from it. I'm sorry. 

[stevegan928]

I posted this on TDN forum just now but I think it fits in my journal. 

My mind is too convincing and my will is too weak, I basically want to be the opposite of what I am. So much so that I wonder if that may be where my anxiety comes from. Because I actively feed the demiurge while yearning to be one with God. I seek comfort at every turn, comfort of all kinds. It seems everything I do is motivated by this. I might do 5 minutes of meditation and read a page out of a self-help book before I go to sleep, but I only do it because my self hatred hes come to a slight tipping point and I know if I don't trick myself into thinking I've made small progress I won't be able to get any sleep that night. It's a tipping point, but not enough to tip all the way over, just enough for a little to spill out the top and then I haphazardly adjust the cup back. 

[stevegan928]

Sup y'all, still depressed. I'm making a movie with my friends though, this is a picture of some of the crew. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Hi,

i like the title of your Journal. I appreciate people who are authentic and forthright.  Look forward to the movie. 

[Michael569]

On 28/01/2018 at 3:20 AM, stevegan928 said:

but then again do y'all remember that girl who had a sex diary?

Which one was this....I want to know for ...ehm ..scientific purposes.