Diary of a Liar

[stevegan928]

So sometimes I get these coke fueled ideas like: I'm gonna buy a motorcycle, trade it for a better motorcycle, and then sell that motorcycle for about $1500 profit. I don't do coke but my parents enjoy themselves some meth on occasion and that's basically cocaine's rich uncle. So maybe being raised partially in a meth environment makes these types of ideas pop up in my head every now and then. So anyway I bought a motorcycle from these somewhat sketchy dudes (clean title though so whatever) for $850. Now the plan commences, but first let me show my brother in law (we'll call him Ron) my sweet new bike and tell him all about my plan. So I show and tell. He's surprised that I bought a motorcycle, he's also very skeptical of the whole thing, everything from who I bought it from to my plan to flip a profit. His skepticism really isn't entirely unfounded, however he has a tenancy to be overly cynical of basically anything anyone does to get ahead in this game called life (no he isn't a neo advaiten). He basically started explaining to me how my plan won't work because I paid too much, the bike is too old, and there's no way for me to make a profit. He said I could maybe make $50 profit at most. I would go on to disagree and say I think I can make a couple hundred at least. He said "You really should have talked to me before you made this decision" well the reason I try to do my best not to tell people around me about my plans is because sometimes they don't like to see others around them succeed, so basically they'll psych me out and get me doubting myself. Crabs in a bucket type shit.

Fast forward a week or so, someone hits me up on facebook telling my they know someone who wants to pay $1k for my bike (well that's only $150 profit) but at this point I have been doubting the decision I made to the point where I might take it and consider it a clean slate. I talk to this person more to find she's giving me a finder's fee. The guy wants to pay $1500 but she wants a profit as well "HA I was right!" I think to myself, "I can make a good profit on this" I just gotta ditch this middlewoman. Sadly the middlewoman won't give me contact info of the man who's willing to pay $1500 so I might be back to being wrong sadly. Later the next day though, to my excitement, I see an old coworker of mine (we'll call him Jake) is back working with me at Walmart. We talk and I bring up the bike (he's big into cars and bikes) he just got a new mustang. I show him pictures, he really likes my bike, he wants to come over and take it for a spin and I agree to it. After he rides it he asks "how much you want for it?" I ask him to think about it and then hit me up for a starting offer. When I get back inside I tell Ron about how I might sell the bike to this guy. He cynically responds "target acquired" basically admitting I can make some profit while also implying I'm only making a profit by taking advantage of a stupid kid. Jake hits me up offering 1k, I tell Ron that Jake offered 1k but I might wanna finance it to him with some interest. Ron says "take the $1k, you don't wanna deal with that financing bullshit for just a little more money". I go on to offer the following payment plan to Jake $1200 cash or $1300 split into 4 payments. Jake just started renting a new apartment and is still paying off his Mustang so he agrees to the payments. I go ahead and tell Ron about it and he shakes his head in disappointment. Now I found this profoundly odd, I knew of the whole crabs in a bucket thing and have experienced it in subtle ways here and there but never has it been more clear. I have just made $450 profit on this but Ron's disappointed in me for making more money because it's more over time rather than the quick fix of $1k. 

Now onto some slightly deeper lessons and reflections. I'm making $450 profit but I don't feel like this is a "victory" for whatever reason. I still actually feel like at best this is me cleaning the slate of an impulsive decision. I feel I'm owed this money already in a sense. Maybe this is foreshadowing for future successes, maybe I feel the same way making 6 figures a year in passive income (a goal of mine). You see my plan is to make some passive income that frees me up to just do consciousness work or learn how to paint or something. But maybe I'll never just stop at that, maybe I'll be making plenty of passive income but then spend my free time working on some business ideas or something because I've programmed my mind for lack, I feel like everything I get is owed to me already so I'm not gaining anything, It's this fundamental lack of gratitude. When I'm in my higher self I am grateful for the little things don't get me wrong. But when it comes to money it never seems like enough really. The thing is I have opportunities to explore my creativity right here where I'm at now I can tend to my consciousness now everything I could ever want is right here in the now, It's today, but I'm addicted to setting things aside for the future. The good life exists in the future not right here no way, not today. You see if I believe that I get to be unconscious. If it exists right now I must put some focus on it but if it's in the future why bother? It's in the future. I think to myself "you know what you would really be less stressed if you would just let go and be authentic in your everyday life" no that's for future Steven, that's for him to deal with. Or I'll think "you know what you have the resources to explore your creativity, you can buy painting supplies off the web and while you're waiting for them to come in you have MSPaint and you haven't even began looking at other free paint software, in fact you even have enough saved up you can get Photoshop" no no no, Ron and my sister will get mad if I spill paint on the carpet and my laptop is already getting slower, I'll do that when I've got my own place and a new PC, in fact if I started being authentic Ron may possibly actually beat my ass and kick me out of the house for speaking my mind and then I'm homeless and have brain damage so I can't even meditate properly anymore. Again the plan is you don't start actualizing until you're independent and making good money, then you have the time. Funny thing is even if It's true that I can't be authentic In my home I can still sell all my stuff and peruse consciousness as a crazy authentic hobo. I can go full on Diogenes whenever I want. That isn't very strategic but if you think about it enlightenment is beyond strategy. So I may disagree with Leo that we need to be "strategic motherfuckers" I'm skeptical at the very least. Basically this last paragraph has been musings on how absolutely retarded procrastination is and I should know not to do it but I continue anyway. Procrastination is antithetical to consciousness because it means you'll do it in the future, in some respect strategy is a higher form of procrastination that implies "I don't have access to everything I need right now but if I play my cards right I can have access to it in the future, if I don't play my cards right I won't get access" Smell the dualistic, scarcity mentality? So yeah I'm right, Leo's wrong, strategy is stupid, If you wanna run a successful motorcycle dealership buy some vampyric crab repellent.  

Edited June 24, 2018 by stevegan928

[stevegan928]

Here is an interesting idea: We are always right and never wrong. Here's the thing, you're right until you're proven wrong, you aren't proven wrong the moment your logic is beaten by better logic, no, your logic gets beaten but then it's actually gotta sit in this state of being beaten where it's in denial of the whole thing, it frantically starts looking for proof that it isn't wrong, it can't find anything and then finally admits defeat after some time. I wonder if the admitting period is actually the moment your body gets use to this new paradigm rather than just your logical mind getting use to it (just an idea). Anyway, once you've finally admitted to being wrong you're actually right in that moment, you're right about being wrong, and furthermore being wrong only exists in the past you where wrong but now you are right. You now exist in the truth paradigm, but you always exist in the truth paradigm. It's just so weird. I don't know what the practical consequences of this idea are, I have some ideas, but actually this idea might be detrimental. I guess it's just another reminder that what we're looking for (Truth) exists here and now. Or maybe not idk, I think everything I just wrote might be a bunch of bullshit mental masturbation. This journal is just a type of creative outlet anyway. 

Edited June 24, 2018 by stevegan928

[stevegan928]

Let me hit ya'll with some honesty real quick, I have been getting more and more into this whole public journaling thing, to the point I come here and constantly check the view count on my thread and check for replies, yesterday I "bumped" it to the top with a picture I made. I compare my journal to others and now I want to have the best journal in town. I also must let you all know that I still haven't sat down for a 10 minute meditation session since revitalizing the journal. When I do you'll know because I'll tell you. It's important that anyone following the journal actually knows how much of an effort I'm putting in to changing myself, if it's zero effort they should know that as well. So yeah this is basically zero effort so far, maybe 0.1/100. I am however spending way more time on the forum, less time on 4chan, more time watching personal development videos, less time watching stupid shit. That's an upgrade in my eyes, I'm also exploring my creativity a bit as well, which my intuition and the universe has been trying to get me to do for a while but for whatever reason I was met with procrastination and resistance. Maybe what got me to finally do it was releasing should statements, maybe there was a big steaming pile of should in between me and happiness. Not to say I'm happy but I'm feeling okay, maybe just like 5% better. I'm not judging myself as much. Maybe a year goes by of me taking this low will powered, lazy approach to personal development and I get really fat. Okay fine, I can just try a more brute force approach instead now. Also maybe the should statements and self judgment is using up a lot of energy that I could be putting towards more productive things. 

Also I must say I'm bummed about the death of XXXTentacion he made mistakes and such but It's just sad to see someone so young die so suddenly, so much potential for growth and impact in that guy. I don't know if I've felt this way about a celebrity death since Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter. 

 

Edited June 26, 2018 by stevegan928

[Hero of Time]

Just gonna add my voice to appreciating you being honest about being a liar. Telling the truth isn’t easy because it takes us to difficult places.

[stevegan928]

15 minutes ago, Hero of Time said:

Telling the truth isn’t easy because it takes us to difficult places.

That resonates with me so much. Thank you. 

[Hero of Time]

You’re welcome. ? One more, related to telling the truth and how it takes you to places you might not want to go:

The lessons we most need to learn are found in the places we least want to look.

(credit to Jordan Peterson for exposing me to this idea)

[stevegan928]

@Hero of Time I have listened to many hours of Peterson. He has exposed me to a lot of new interesting paradigms such as Jungian psychology. I also love Peterson's biblical lecture series. 

[taleen]

@stevegan928 i do not think comlaring your jornal to other journals is a good idea, i did that four months ago and cause some people here are really ahead of me, it made me less excited, but if i have'nt compared myself to people and continued my jornal, i would have got a lot of benefits out of it by now.

[stevegan928]

@taleen I was only comparing it to Joseph Maynor's journal for a little while. I notice he posts a lot so I just wanted to see. Also no worries, I'm a bit arrogant and can easily convince myself that my journal is the best even if it's a bit lack luster compared to others. When I post on here I'm just trying to be honest about where I'm currently at and what I'm currently thinking. For me posting on here is personal development. 

[stevegan928]

This is just something that I wanna write real quick because I was rewatching Leo's video on collective egos and he mentions how a lack of transparency is something the ego needs to survive, thus far I've been trying to keep this journal about as transparent as I can. 

 

I have a pet turtle who I have given a very horrible life. I feel I deserve to get reincarnated as this turtle in my next life as punishment for the suffering I have inflicted upon it. I am a vegetarian as well, or that's what I tell people anyway. This turtle lives in a small, dirty tank most of the time, I feed him cheap food most of the time, and he doesn't get proper lighting most of the time. He's at my Mom's right now where my Dad takes care of him, he does a better job than me however he's still in a very small cage. It hurts me to write and admit to these things publicly. 

[Lorcan]

9 hours ago, stevegan928 said:

This is just something that I wanna write real quick because I was rewatching Leo's video on collective egos and he mentions how a lack of transparency is something the ego needs to survive, thus far I've been trying to keep this journal about as transparent as I can. 

 

I have a pet turtle who I have given a very horrible life. I feel I deserve to get reincarnated as this turtle in my next life as punishment for the suffering I have inflicted upon it. I am a vegetarian as well, or that's what I tell people anyway. This turtle lives in a small, dirty tank most of the time, I feed him cheap food most of the time, and he doesn't get proper lighting most of the time. He's at my Mom's right now where my Dad takes care of him, he does a better job than me however he's still in a very small cage. It hurts me to write and admit to these things publicly. 

We all suffer. Forgive yourself. 

[stevegan928]

[stevegan928]

Wow, maybe X was a type of lightworker who came here for a greater cause. Interesting. 

[stevegan928]

So I haven't been posting as much on my journal, I think it's to be expected that I will have a high volume of things to post when I first start the journal because they'd be things that have been lingering in my mind for some time. But now that I've had the opportunity to express those thoughts I'm less "inspired" to post more/ post with the same frequency. I do have other things to say, I have more "confessions", one might assume confessing things what you're ashamed of to a public forum is a foolish idea but I think as long as you can't be jailed for it and you aren't giving out too much information about yourself or your loved ones you're fine. I like doing it because It's a little challenging, whats more challenging is to confess such things to someone in real life which I'm not sure I'm up for quite yet. Funny because what you are all seeing here is pretty much the only self-help I do other than watch self-help videos on YouTube if that counts for anything. I'm still working on my should statements however, I guess the way to see if it works is by waiting to see if I become naturally drawn towards positively motivating myself to pursue healthier desires, I'm thinking I might mark a date that I'll start implementing a meditation habit or clean up my diet a bit. This might be me "putting the screws to myself" but I'm hoping that by releasing should statements I'll actually have more mental energy to actually stick to the practice this time rather than fall off after a short amount of time. That might sound a little crazy to some, the idea that releasing should statements frees you up with more energy to be productive, but I think I might actually have been a tiny bit more productive since doing this, at the very least I'm no less productive then when I was constantly moralizing to myself, on top of that I don't feel as bad about when I'm being a "bad boy" for engaging in low vibration activities. 

 

Life with should statements: 

"What I'm doing is so bad I shouldn't be doing this I'm so bad."

But then I continue to do it and my neuroses multiplies. 

 

  Life without should statements:

"What I'm doing is bad but who cares if I do it I'm fine." 

I then continue to do it but I don't feel as bad about it. 

 

Furthermore I really don't think that the amount of "bad" things that I do has really changed at all. I do the same amount of low vibration activities but just don't feel as bad about doing them. So even if I where to end up being a lazy slob for the rest of my life I'd rather be a lazy slob who doesn't give a fuck than a lazy slob who's constantly in a battle with himself that leads him to the same place that the other more lax slob inhabits. 

Let it be known that I don't aspire to be a slob, so naturally I assume I will make attempts self-actualize and push myself similar to how I have done in the past, but maybe now the ego backlash won't be as bad because I'm fueled by positive motivation rather than negative motivation.  

[stevegan928]

Still working with should statements and have noticed my diet get slightly better, I also did a very small bit of meditation and introspection the other day, and started making my bed (JBP wisdom). I haven't really been as good on my should statements the past few days bit I'll try not to should on myself for it. Today I reminded myself of Leo's advice to recognize that personal development is messy/sloppy work. So it makes sense that I'll have a little trouble applying some techniques. 

Okay so this was a real short one, I'm sort of just making sure to stay on track with my journaling and jot a few thoughts down that I've had some trouble with. 

[stevegan928]

On 7/8/2018 at 1:17 AM, Spacious said:

Great to see you're intergrating both people rather than sitting in a Leo or JBP camp.

Of Course, Leo and JBP are my essentially my gurus right now, but since they seem to have very opposing opinions it allows my to use my own discretion and critical thinking skills rather than become an ideologue.  

[stevegan928]

After watching Leo's video on stage yellow I actually think I'm mostly stage yellow. Just based on his descriptions though, I still have a lot to learn about spiral dynamics and systems thinking. 

 

[stevegan928]

I don't know what to make of Teal Swan. 

Interesting video, I'm gonna need to check out her other video on ownership. 

[stevegan928]

I'm beginning to get genuinely fed up with the procrastination and habitual thought patterns I've been experiencing for some time now. I'm beginning to see to increasingly deeper degrees how it effects my happiness levels. Maybe it's time for a change. 

[stevegan928]

I'm beginning to realize that I'm doing the best I can. No need for self judgement, I'm doing the best I can given the cards I was dealt in this life, there is no possible way for me to be in a better place than the one I'm in right now, It can't get any better because better implies a sub-par alternative, sub-par doesn't exist, it's all "the best" as Donald Trump would say. Sadly this means there is no valid reason for me to judge others, however I will still continue to do so because it's a habit of mine, no reason to judge myself for judging either but I will continue with that as well. Everything is where it needs to be.