Diary of a Liar

[stevegan928]

Hi, my name is Steven and I'm a liar. I lie on here about how experienced I am with personal development, not blatant lies but I'll frame "truth" in such a way that makes it look like I've done lots of personal development, and I totally don't just spend all my time watching self-help videos rather than doing anything with my life. I've done a few things sure, gone on a 10 day meditation retreat, did a Lakota ceremony in Washington, done very small amounts of meditation and such in my own free time but really I'm a total noob. However I think I'm special, like really I do think that, I don't work hard because I don't believe that I need to, I believe when I do actually decide to commit myself I'll become enlightened in like a month because it all just comes that naturally to me. I don't know if this is true but it's genuinely how I feel deep down and it's very liberating to publicly put this all out here for others to see, I didn't do that before because I feared judgement.  

I'm making this journal as an attempt to be honest with others and not just be honest on my own little personal booklet that I share with no one. I'm gonna try to be honest about what I think and where I'm at. You could call this an authenticity journal. I'll say things that sound outlandish, arrogant, narcissistic, judgmental, immature, and down right racist. Okay maybe not so much the last part but I am a little bit racist so I might express a bit of my feelings and such in that department. I don't know exactly why I'm making this journal but I think it's to hold my ass to the fire. I wanna make 3 or more entries a week and let you all know exactly what I've been up to and what I've been thinking about. Maybe that'll consist of exercise, meditation, journaling, cold showers, ect. Maybe it'll consist of masturbating, eating junk food, arguing with people on 4chan, watching youtube videos, ect. I'll tell you what I've been up to and I'd like feedback, like maybe call me a lazy bitch if you don't like what I've been up to, encourage me when I'm doing well, stuff like that. 

[stevegan928]

Leo's Live enlightenment video intimidated me at first. I thought he experienced such a state with no psychedelics and it was permanent. I'm cocky but I'm not so cocky I think I could get to such a state permanently like the one in the video. Honestly glad to see him in the follow up video mostly back to normal. I personally see Leo as enlightened now, he said he accesses a state of oneness randomly throughout the day, I consider that a very low level of enlightenment. Just my thoughts on the recent happenings in this community, my posts in the future will be more about me since this is my diary.    

[stevegan928]

Y'all ready for some honesty? Today I listened to interviews from the creators of Rick & Morty, went to work, ate bad non-vegan food (yeah I'm not actually vegan), got home and watched some MMA. The only thing you could consider close to personal development is me writing this. I'll do a quick (seconds long) little meditation before I knockout I guess.

I actually wonder If I could get in trouble for posting stuff on here that Isn't PD based, but then again do y'all remember that girl who had a sex diary? That was fun to read! I hope she's doing well right now with a nice guy who keeps her excited. I've been making more attempts recently to humanize women more and not just see them as sexual objects, I'm speaking of random girls I see at work and such, It's easy for me to just stare at an ass and imagine doing dirty things to some girl I hardly know, I try to catch myself staring and think more loving thoughts of her instead, that's someone's daughter after all. 

This has been my post for the day, It's something different from what you'll usually see on here on the forum. 

[stevegan928]

Here's another post, I didn't exactly realize how much time went by. But I figured it had been more than a week. Since we last talked I did like 5 minutes of meditation and a cold shower, did better on my diet a few days, also asked a girl from my work on a date. I'm not happy with myself that I haven't posted anything on here, not happy with myself in general really. I've tried nothing, everything works. 

[Courtney]

@stevegan928 I love how open and honest these posts are!  I’m new to this stuff as well and I’m trying to learn how to love myself, even though my darkest fear is that I’m not worthy of being loved.  Reading your posts have inspired me to be more honest and vulnerable.  I think I’ll start a journal too someday this week when I feel like working on things.  Life has so many distractions and I am all over the map!  I am a logical chick who is trying to convince myself that I have grown more than I really have.  Anyway, just wanted to say thank you!  

[taleen]

@stevegan928 i think you should give yourself more credit for writing this very unique journal.

I just want you to know that probably soon you will be a better person "in your prospective i mean". So don't this phase more value than it is worth.

[stevegan928]

I've tried nothing, everything works. 

I haven't posted on here in a long time but here we go. I've mostly been back to my old ways, I can feel my consciousness lowering, I've been growing in cynicism and negativity, my outlook on life is now more negative. I hope it's just a stage, part of this new outlook could have came from consuming MGTOW and Jordan Peterson content (which reminds me I gotta clean my fucking room). My ability to procrastinate is astonishing, I've been wanting to clean my room for over 6 months now. I've noticed myself making strange decisions like I bought a motorcycle and a cheap plot of land in Williams AZ, I don't even have a drivers licences. I'm enjoying writing this right now though, I've been getting a lot of synchronistic signs that I should express my creativity in some way but I don't know where to start or what creative skills to start developing so I guess I'm starting with this post. On a more positive note I've began going to church again (it's a new age church), also I just bought some healthy food to start cleaning my diet back up, earlier this week I was doing pretty good on my diet but I fell off hard, I might make an attempt to hop back on tomorrow, if not the next day, or the next day, or the next day, or the next day, or the next day, or maybe the day after that, or maybe I'll feed the veggies to my sister's pet bunny and try again in a month. History says this will happen. Love myself more you say? My faith in gooshy New Age teachings is waning lately, this sucks because I relied on these beliefs for comfort, we'll see what happens with my new developing worldview. That's it for this post, maybe I'll post more later to keep y'all up to date, I feel sort of good about my coming week, we'll see. 

I feel maybe this post could be a bit contrived, maybe it has something to do with me wanting to "express my creativity" in it, maybe I should strictly focus on bare bones honesty. We'll see how I approach it in future posts. 

@taleen @Courtney

Thank you two so much for the feedback, If I was notified months ago that you two commented on my post I probably would have been motivated (for at least one or two posts) to be more consistent with the journal. I was very excited to see feedback thank you. 

[stevegan928]

I just went on a nice walk, it got me thinking about things somewhat relating to infinite intelligence. As I walked through a part of my neighborhood that I hadn't previously explored I just felt like reality is pretty freakin' cool, it's like this amazing MMORPG openworld sandbox game with endless possibilities, endless situations a player can find himself in. I'm in this weird situation where I feel like I've almost willingly imprisoned myself deep into my neurotic ego and I'm searching for an escape but the prison guards catch me plotting so I'm then punished and must now come up with a new escape plan. Like it sucks but just imagine a videogame developer creating a game with this level of depth, when you look at it that way it's pretty amazing and beautiful. Lately I've been thinking about how much perspective can change reality on a fundamental level, something Leo touches on a lot. Sometimes I flirt with viewing reality as a videogame, sometimes I view it as a painting, sometimes a more abstract piece of art, sometimes a biological organism. Being able to hop between such a wide variety of perspectives on a dime I can only assume is a valuable skill to develop. It really helps you see the magic of reality. 

An artist and mystic who has really helped me see the magic in reality is Wayne Wirs (RIP) 

http://mysticsjournal.com/favorite-photos/ 

[stevegan928]

So I decided to follow up on those synchronicities that where telling me to express my creativity.  I did a little bit more but this is the one I'm most proud of, I may upload more some other time. 

Edited June 19, 2018 by stevegan928
add info

[stevegan928]

I had a pretty good day today, I feel I can attribute some of it to the nice weather, some of it to the comfy shirt I wore, and most of it to releasing "should statements". I might go back later tonight and do the exercise that Leo assigned in his episode about should statements, but I won't go as far as saying I should do the assignment . 

Anyway I think I'm gonna try to stick with this releasing of should statements for the next few days, maybe a week. We'll see how I do, maybe I'll actually do a minute or so of meditation or maybe I'll eat something healthy or maybe I'll continue with my old ways, we'll see. 

At this point I do start to wonder whats actually wrong with me, like how the fuck can someone actually be this lazy? It's not that I'm the laziest guy you've ever met or anything, actually by my more immediate family's standards you maybe could even call me a bit of an over achiever.

You see the real issue is how lazy I am compared to the standards I give my imaginary self, I daydream constantly, a lot of my daydreams are me fantasizing about what my self actualized self would be like, for me it looks like a guy who actually has self discipline and will power as some of his highest virtues (I guess that means those are some of my highest virtues?) he'd be a guy who strikes a good balance between whim and will, for example he might spontaneously feel like going for a walk later in the day, then while he's on his walk he notices how beautiful the sunset looks, so he finds somewhere to sit down and watch the sun shut down for the night, once the sun is gone he notices he's getting a little tired so he just goes to sleep outside right where he watched the sun set, he doesn't even think about how much more comfortable his bed would be right now, he doesn't think about the fact that he looks like a hobo, he just goes to sleep, wakes up, and starts his morning routine from the spot he's at when he wakes up. He'd contrast this childlike spontaneity with a serious spiritual practice, probably something like really long strong determination sits while wearing an itchy sack cloth. Seldom would he accept pleasure from things like food, he'd learn to enjoy bland leaves and seeds, carrots are jolly ranchers to him. Even during sex he doesn't ejaculate most of the time so as to not waste life force energy and also to not delve too far into hedonism, he allows himself a few discharges a year and that's it.  Essentially he's an ascetic but with a few hours off every now and then. 

Compare the imaginary guy described in the paragraph above to me, a guy who struggles to keep a 10 minute daily meditation practice. The fantasy I came up with there might be some unresolved shadow stuff who knows. But as you can see I've imagined it out quite vividly, I actually have maladaptive daydreaming disorder so I'll spend hours on end dreaming that type of stuff up. 

Anyway since my standards are so polarized towards the will power and discipline approach I figure I should try a more "letting go" approach that takes little to no will power. I do worry about receiving judgement for taking this approach, I don't want people to think I'm a pussy, I'm a bit insecure about my masculinity in that way. 

I'm a bit of a mess I suppose. Scientists should do experiments on me, I bet they'd have a blast. 

Edited June 20, 2018 by stevegan928

[sarapr]

@stevegan928 you seem like an artistic type of guy, am I right?

Do you by any chance have an art related career?

12 hours ago, stevegan928 said:

 

You see the real issue is how lazy I am compared to the standards I give my imaginary self, I daydream constantly, a lot of my daydreams are me fantasizing about what my self actualized self would be like, for me it looks like a guy who actually has self discipline and will power as some of his highest virtues (I guess that means those are some of my highest virtues?) he'd be a guy who strikes a good balance between whim and will, for example he might spontaneously feel like going for a walk later in the day, then while he's on his walk he notices how beautiful the sunset looks, so he finds somewhere to sit down and watch the sun shut down for the night, once the sun is gone he notices he's getting a little tired so he just goes to sleep outside right where he watched the sun set, he doesn't even think about how much more comfortable his bed would be right now, he doesn't think about the fact that he looks like a hobo, he just goes to sleep, wakes up, and starts his morning routine from the spot he's at when he wakes up. He'd contrast this childlike spontaneity with a serious spiritual practice, probably something like really long strong determination sits while wearing an itchy sack cloth. Seldom would he accept pleasure from things like food, he'd learn to enjoy bland leaves and seeds, carrots are jolly ranchers to him. Even during sex he doesn't ejaculate most of the time so as to not waste life force energy and also to not delve too far into hedonism, he allows himself a few discharges a year and that's it.  Essentially he's an ascetic but with a few hours off every now and then. 

That sounds like sth I would love. But I guess I have the same problem as you do  

[Annica]

Thank you for this journal!

I think many people feel this discrepancy between dream-self and actual self. I know because I do. We are confronted with many ideas and ideals about how to live and for every aspect of life there seems to be someone who does it "exactly as I want to be". And if not that someone already lives in our head as a fantasy.

Stop thinking!

You are beautiful

And there is infinite potential for you. But it doesn't wait for you in your dreams. It is right here.

And you might be closer to tapping into it than expected

[stevegan928]

@sarapr

People often peg me as the artistic type, I don't wanna say "no" because that might be putting unwanted energies out into the universe but I feel like if I say yes I'm not being entirely truthful either because I don't practice any formal art, I don't have any "technical skills" as one might say. It's probably the constant daydreaming that leads people to believe I'm artistic. Maladaptive daydreaming, look it up if you wanna know the difference between everyday monkey mind stuff that everyone deals with versus a proper daydreaming addiction that eats away at ones time in a similar way to videogames and harmful substances. That's what I have and that's probably why many people peg me as an artist, I have been existing in the same head space as an artist for as long as I can remember, constantly imagining, visualizing, daydreaming. I did horrible in school because I had access to something far more entertaining than a smartphone and it's completely invisible, my imagination. 

I'm not currently in an art related career, that would be cool however. No I clean poop off toilets at Walmart currently, however I'm currently putting my imagination towards the task of finding a new way for me to make money, I'm confident I'll be successful in this endeavor, however I do have a bit of a history of cockieness so we'll see if the marketplace slams me back down into the pavement. 

@Annica

Thank you very much for the kind words and wisdom, it motivates me to be better and keep posting to the journal. 

[sarapr]

@stevegan928 i think you can actually put your imagination into a career and go about daydreaming all the time and get paid for it so you wouldn't have to fight a gift that you have 

[stevegan928]

@sarapr That's the dream we'll see if I can actualize it. 

[sarapr]

10 minutes ago, stevegan928 said:

@sarapr That's the dream we'll see if I can actualize it. 

I'm sure you can.

Keep up the good work 

[stevegan928]

I have been continuing with the releasing of should statements. It's been a bit interesting, I might soon find myself saying I shouldn't release should statements since I currently think I should. I feel like I'm doing it wrong or something, so I guess it's time to release the should from my should statements without shoulding all over myself. I sort of created my own form of this back when I was meditating, my approach was to use reverse psychology on my unwanted/ neurotic thoughts. I'd think something like "he's just a crab in a bucket trying to pull everyone else back in" then if I became conscious of that judgement, instead of then judging myself for being judgy I'd just follow the thought up with a sequel thought but add just a pinch of irony this time around "yeah he really is, he's so bad" I'd think that with a dollop of snark. So maybe I'll try getting back in touch with that practice. In regard to the should statements I'll try to remember that I shouldn't be good at releasing should statements. I guess I just wasn't expecting this amount of resistance for such a seemingly simple and easy practice. 

Edited June 23, 2018 by stevegan928

[Lorcan]

On 1/27/2018 at 5:56 AM, stevegan928 said:

Hi, my name is Steven and I'm a liar. I lie on here about how experienced I am with personal development, not blatant lies but I'll frame "truth" in such a way that makes it look like I've done lots of personal development, and I totally don't just spend all my time watching self-help videos rather than doing anything with my life. I've done a few things sure, gone on a 10 day meditation retreat, did a Lakota ceremony in Washington, done very small amounts of meditation and such in my own free time but really I'm a total noob. However I think I'm special, like really I do think that, I don't work hard because I don't believe that I need to, I believe when I do actually decide to commit myself I'll become enlightened in like a month because it all just comes that naturally to me. I don't know if this is true but it's genuinely how I feel deep down and it's very liberating to publicly put this all out here for others to see, I didn't do that before because I feared judgement.  

I'm making this journal as an attempt to be honest with others and not just be honest on my own little personal booklet that I share with no one. I'm gonna try to be honest about what I think and where I'm at. You could call this an authenticity journal. I'll say things that sound outlandish, arrogant, narcissistic, judgmental, immature, and down right racist. Okay maybe not so much the last part but I am a little bit racist so I might express a bit of my feelings and such in that department. I don't know exactly why I'm making this journal but I think it's to hold my ass to the fire. I wanna make 3 or more entries a week and let you all know exactly what I've been up to and what I've been thinking about. Maybe that'll consist of exercise, meditation, journaling, cold showers, ect. Maybe it'll consist of masturbating, eating junk food, arguing with people on 4chan, watching youtube videos, ect. I'll tell you what I've been up to and I'd like feedback, like maybe call me a lazy bitch if you don't like what I've been up to, encourage me when I'm doing well, stuff like that. 

 

Truth is Treason, in the Empire of Lies.  

Keeping it real. I agree with that.

I do not know.

 

[stevegan928]

This sounds really odd and it's suppose to, it's a reminder for me to write about the topic in a future post. I'll probably post these on occasion when I have an idea for a topic I wanna journal about but can't quite express my thoughts on the topic at the moment for whatever reason. 

[stevegan928]

So I wanna journal for a second about how my narcissism plays out in my daydreams/ imagination. I often dream of myself dying while trying to save a bunch of people, like some shooter comes to my work and I try to run at him and get shot. There would be a big memorial for everyone who died but then it'd get to me and they'd have a bit more to say. Everyone in the crowd starts crying extra for me because I'm a hero.  Everyone who just saw me as a janitor now sees me as a hero and feels bad for not noticing my divinity while I was alive, or they'd convince themselves that they did see it. Oh and I bet that girl I liked really wishes she gave me a second chance now because I'm basically fucking Jesus, I died for your sins. 

Some other fantasies I have are related to art. A lot of the time when I listen to music I imagine how cool it would be if I made this amazing song, I imagine myself playing the instruments or whatever, getting the praise. I contaminate the art with me. I also imagine myself not even being public about my art, like I imagine scenarios where someone accidentally finds out that I'm this amazing artist and all of the sudden their view of me drastically changes in an instant. I guess that's a common theme in these fantasies, having other people realize I'm not just some loser or not just some average guy even if maybe I come off as one.  

I have sexual fantasies of a similar sort but I think you get the picture at this point. She thinks I'm just some average dude until I give her Leo's patented EXPLOSIVE ORGASM™ and she basically falls in love with me. Sorry babe, I got music to write and then I gotta go die trying to save pedestrians from getting shot.