Dealing With Neediness In Intimate Life

[Mastermind]

Hi, everyone,

Any comments on "trying to be not-needy" versus "denying the need of love/sex/..." ?

It is also possible to use not only denial, but also other psychological defense mechanisms against the "desire of love/sex/...".

More about defense mechanisms:

 

[kalter000]

20 hours ago, Mastermind said:

Any comments on "trying to be not-needy" versus "denying the need of love/sex/..." ?

Well, that's two different kinds of need. One need is simply physiological impulse along with hunger and sleep, and another is psychological, as if you need sex as a pillar for emotional equilibrium. Even though they are interconnecting, I can't say they are "versus" each other. By trying to be not-needy we understand that sex isn't the basis of our emotional well being, we aren't seeking fulfillment in it. In the other hand, denying sex as physiological act is as silly as denying yourself a cup of water- only if you have prejudices and traumas( or you are asexual, old, castrated etc.)

The problem occurs when there is inner conflict between authentic desire to have sex and it's suppression. Authentic desire is not neediness, it becomes the need only when we have unreleased psychological pressure from suppression.

Edited February 29, 2016 by kalter000

[Mastermind]

Ok, @kalter000 , thank you.

I'm not sure, do I understand, what actually  means "to release psychological pressure from suppression of some kind of desire".

From my personal experience it looks like "balancing between" - between the drive to fulfill the desire and the wish to maintain independence. And It's actually very hard to find that balance point, if we are speaking about such unpredictable thing as intimate relationships.

Other perspective from my personal experience: a person has to work out such limiting believes, as "I want to feel lovable and desirable and I want some intimacy, because it is needed for me (my body) to function properly". Any believe of this kind should be worked out in order to grow. Actually, I see some pretty sticky points about this statement, but it's hard to speak clearly about such sticky things, so for now I will leave it open.

Have any body got any comments on any statement I wrote here?

[Phocus]

What are you doing when you experience these feelings and emotions that you associate with neediness?

I usually try to solve these kinds of issues with action and presence.  Bring awareness into your emotions:

• Why do you feel the way you do? 
• What is creating this suffering that you're experiencing? 
• What is it that you want that you haven't got? 
• If you got it, would it really make you happy? 
• What would it take to bring TRUE lasting fulfillment and happiness?

 

Leo's last video is actually somewhat related to this:

 

 

[kalter000]

5 hours ago, Mastermind said:

I'm not sure, do I understand, what actually  means "to release psychological pressure from suppression of some kind of desire".

Have you noticed, that people, who are constantly talking about sex or always mention it somehow in reality have either lack of it or some problems?  Desire in itself isn't wrong, but psychological component, neurosis associated around it - that's the issue, making those people to overcompensate and brag about it. 

"to release psychological pressure from suppression of some kind of desire" means heal the neurosis, causing this behavior. After that sex ,all of the sudden, is not a psychological "need" anymore, you don't attach your sense of worth or self love on it.

[Mastermind]

On 2016-03-01 at 5:51 AM, Phocus said:

 

 

Yes, I already saw this video and my reaction was "Oh! So everything depends on perspective (and perspective depends on believe system) much much more, than I thought before. And believe system is much more flexible, than I imagined before."
 

On 2016-03-01 at 5:51 AM, Phocus said:

What are you doing when you experience these feelings and emotions that you associate with neediness?

• Why do you feel the way you do? 
• What is creating this suffering that you're experiencing? 
• What is it that you want that you haven't got? 
• If you got it, would it really make you happy? 
• What would it take to bring TRUE lasting fulfillment and happiness?

I can easily answer these questions.  And I'll will honestly answer them. After every answer I'll write possible solutions.

I feel those feelings when something reminds me about that. It can be just an innocent hint, something small.

• Because, when I see every person having this desire fulfilled and I somehow unable to do it. This statement reminds me, that maybe I'm somehow dis-functional or psychologically ill.
  It has a lot to do with social conditioning, So releasing myself from social identity can be the solution.
  Understanding "I just do not have enough social experience, but I can become more experienced" can be another solution.
• Ideas about me "being dis-funtional" has negative impact on my mood and self-Esteem.
  Mindfulness and meditation can help with this.
• It's the same as just feeling hungry or thirsty, but being unable to eat and drink.
  This statement itself is a limiting believe, which should be eliminated from self-Image.
• Sincerely, I don't know. Other people say, it won't make me happy. My experience shows somewhat different, but my experience is affected by my believes.
• Sincerely, I still don't really know the clear answer to this question.

Any remarks on possible solutions and last two answers?
 

On 2016-03-01 at 10:32 AM, kalter000 said:

Have you noticed, that people, who are constantly talking about sex or always mention it somehow in reality have either lack of it or some problems? 

Usually I don't observe the shadings of other people's intimate life.

On 2016-03-01 at 10:32 AM, kalter000 said:

"to release psychological pressure from suppression of some kind of desire" means heal the neurosis, causing this behavior.

So, we have another big question about methods of healing the neurosis. I think, the concept of Self-therapy should be interesting here.

This Leo's video also is helpful in some sense.

 

[Soumya]

@Mastermind

That video blew my mind! I have been adopting almost 8 out of them everyday.

Thanks for sharing

[Mastermind]

@Soumya You're welcome.

[FindingPeace]

There is another term for 'neediness'. It's 'insecure'.

However there are 2 ways of dealing with it. One is to find out why you 'need' something and fix the problem yourself at the heart. The other way is to get someone else to 'fix' it by having them fill the 'hole' within you. Real growth verses fake growth.

On 28/02/2016 at 11:10 PM, Mastermind said:

Any comments on "trying to be not-needy" versus "denying the need of love/sex/..." ?

Why do you need love/sex? And what does 'love' mean to you? True love isn't something you need, it is something you give.

 

Edited March 4, 2016 by FindingPeace

[Cuzzo]

For a long time, I'd confuse the two a lot. I'd find myself being really needy over one particular woman or feel bad if my dating/sex life wasn't where I wanted it to be. So I'd try to shut off a need for love and sex at all. I found this hard to do and would always feel conflicted. It wasn't until I realized that I needed to stop being a bitch and put myself there more that I realized the difference between the two. 

 

[Will]

@Mastermind

Not sure what you getting at but

desire is fine. Have what you want do what you want create what you want. as long as your doing from a healthy place..

The need to be intimate is never a take its always a give..

You cant feel accepted or validated externally.. its always internally.. You can however give unconditonally and that makes you feel connected and thus the most intimate connection possible..

 

Is this what you mean??