5 meo encounter

[Lily273]

it was faster than the speed of light or speed of thought whichever one is fastest maybe the thought because at the later recollection you remember a last thought - i am dying but its an incomplete thought half of that thought gets distorted by time, freezes in time as if slowly melting and falling into infinite white hole and just being suspended there like an endless geometrical structure... one second you are the human who has been building your life as you know it, the next second hasnt even finished yet when you are not...

you are not anything . and you cant even know it or think about it because your mind doesnt exist ... you dont exist and you dont know you have ever existed there is nothing left from everything you know and you are not aware of this either....

what is there ?  

its whiteness.... infinite whiteness . whatever is there which is also here can not be described by words unless one starts to invent words or easier just to find approximate words.... there is no thought but also no feeling there is noone to feel or think or know anything. the whiteness is endless it seems static but its dynamic also , simultaneously, its being and becoming things all the time endlessly, its forming things that are hard to describe but that are fundamental to everything...  there are white "structures" "geometries??" in these whiteness that are infinitely small and each small "component" is infinite and has infinite number of small components and all is flowing simultaneously but also it has nowhere to flow as it moves in its staticness

this whiteness is always there 

until it isnt anymore, its now ink black, the ink black is the white anyway they are the same... the ink white/black is deeply infinite. . 

the ink blackness underlies everything it is everything and then slowly yet super fast the ink blackness is and some endless part of it is turned into forms that form everything , forms and shapes resembling forms and shapes familiar and in that instant there is the one / the me , who is understanding this resembling who knows there is idea of resemblance and who realizes there is a someone who perceives this ink dark.. instantly the ink blackness is now seen as "things/structures/building blocks " that form everything and the more the understanding happens, the more the forms are covered by surfaces, the surfaces are not solid they are shaking and fluctuating between solid and powder like , these surfaces are the surfaces of everything that cover/hide the ink blackness the absoluteness of the reality . then there is i , the knowing that i am here somewhere and that all these surfaces are extension of me somehow but i am not me as i know it, just a metter of fact fabric . there are no emotions, this is not spiritual , this is not scientific , you can see how this is really very different and very neutral, it is very neutral, it is alive, but not in a way we think of life, but its certainly very very neutral, it has no agenda, it is the absoluteness and it is the everything , it doesnt want or need anything and such concept have no place ....  in retrospect it seems that there is a "of course it is how it is" everywhere

the sense of i starts to narrow down and more it narrows down the more the structures become less shaking and more solidified covering the underlying ink black, the sense of how far/stretched/vast i am occurs , ocean like smile that have melted down like an endlessly expanded ice cream river slowly starts shrinking down as everything else, until it finally is only limited to my lips , then i discover lips, breathing, heart, fingers,... objects ...

then there is the world, here, and memory comes back, the mind starts to try to understand what happened, and wonders how come there was something while it wasnt there, i remember now who i am as a human and what i took and hence why all this ... first my mind wonders why there was no emotion? many people talk about infinite love and god how come i couldnt call any of this love and god and feel something? but i let my mind relax , it doesnt matter.

so mind is a sort of camera/receptor machine, it scans the absolute reality with the senses it has employed, and constructs surfaces and filters down this absoluteness into forms and things that we see, they appear solid for this reason it seems... the infinitness is always there/here .. it will be impractical it seems, to be perceiving the absoluteness directly all the time and functioning in this particular world /society /culture , hence mind is there to serve this function for life to take place in this particular way, many of the possible ways ...

ego is that , the mind and body and everything to do with the gross body and the less tangible mind .. ego is not bad or good these things dont apply, it is what it is and it is necessary to do its part, ego did not create itself , but it was made for this reason - to sustain life ..  and it is easy to die it seems, it is just like allowing yourself to fall ...  maybe if one has unfulfilled desires or thoughts these could be an issue, maybe. if one does not want anything from the world anymore, not because the world is bad or good, or that one is sad or depressed, but because one is fulfilled and doesnt need anything, then the fall, the letting all that you know including that knowing to fall is possible, it is not a conscious process though ,,, its inner beautiful emptiness that allows to expand and breathe out last time 

if life is here to be, then its beautiful and if this life is not here anymore , then thats also beautiful 

everything is neutral and there are no fears ... 

am i different person now? i dont think so, only few things have changed, now i  know that i will keep on meditating and continue my life as it is, if it ends at any second i will completely surrender in a heartbeat .. i still have to work on all the things i was working on previously but now with just added realization that actually it doesnt matter if i do these or that .. one cant do anything wrong.. its just doing what seems most pleasing to ones own mind and others around them, and if one fails so its ok

ego isnt bad , its not something to try to get rid of, its a coat , its a peace of cloth and one needs to keep it clean and wear it with gratitude and when not needed anymore, drop it with gratitude too

all is ok with everything 

i have not done any prior drugs and will not do anything in the future either, there is really no need

i am grateful for life as it is and its a great journey to experience while its here, experience without getting attached to anything and letting go anytime

i feel more liberated, feel people , animals and all objects closer now

there is no such thing as important, and no such thing as more or less important, i am no more important than the plastic on my desk and the grass blade , none of any of the things are more or less important than others, all of the things of the everything are essential and necessary but not important 

set and setting was something i wanted to cover from the beginning but didnt want to bore the readers, all i can say is that the set was a long hard process that went from hell to heaven with constant work, love and dedication.

setting was 

http://www.psilohuasca.com/magic-toad/

Edited January 26, 2018 by Lily273
forgot to mention