In love with my Male Therapist?

[Shir]

Okay so...pretty much on a roll here, since my previous question already had a certain element with said "Therapist" lol.

BTW - for reference sake, I'm a 25 year old young lady, a virgin, been in therapy for the sake of treating my depression and suicidal thoughts. 

This may seem incredibly silly but I feel a very strong need to write this out and ask for your thoughts. At least for the sake of letting this go into the universe. I know this might seem cliche but I feel like I'm falling in love with my Therapist and I've HEARD this is a thing and isn't too odd and I know how to act and be and would never do anything that would go against the whole ethical realm of Therapist-Patient. I just feel this heartbreak because of it all tbh.

I've been in Therapy for about hmm..literally almost 6 months now, with the same male Therapist. I won't lie, it's not been easy and I've had my fair share of let downs and hate-love relationship with him, due to me feeling like he wasn't being professional enough with me and everything in between...BUT ever since I pressed to change the day and time of our weekly meetings (literally middle of the week instead of it being on a Sunday and an hour later than usual) - it's like he's a WHOLE new man ! He's suddenly so attentive, professional and quite literally attractive in every way. I knew I was immediately physically attracted to him once I first met him (I didn't know what Therapist I'd get tbh), but at this point I feel like I'm falling in love more and more. I always try my best to speak professionally and honestly and never flirt or anything (I wish), I think my therapy session today was just really better than usual and he kept saying how he wanted to connect with me and I think deep down I swooned too much. It sounds silly but I find myself dolling up before out sessions too. As if I'd be going on a date lol (never been on a date). 

It just really sunk in today because I feel in love with him and heartbroken to the fact that it's so hard to imagine ever finding a man like him. Someone who I feel like actually cares about me and my feelings (quite literally), who really understands what I'm feeling and going through and knows every little dark detail to my being, and with me being attracted to him in every way as I do. I think me knowing he's taken + feeling heartbroken that I'd probably never be able to find a guy like him...has probably led me to feel this type of heartbreak right now.

And to make matters worse, I've never been in a real relationship even though I've been in love. I know HE'S not perfect nor is everyone really but he sure as hell seems close enough ! I think he's created this male proto-type of a partner that seems so high...I have no idea how I'd be able to find a guy like him. Oh and he's older than I by literally 18 years ! I had no idea until today when he suddenly told me (he literally looks 35 at most tbh). I was pretty shocked ! 

Like I said, I know I'd never over step my grounds or do anything inappropriate. I'm not saying there aren't great men out there in the world, it's just literally so hard to believe I'd ever find someone like him, let alone where I live where I feel all the men are pretty much sub-par. Sorry but that's how I feel. I'm not sure how to handle this whole in-love-yet-heartbroken-over-him issue, given the fact that I'd probably be too embarrassed to even bring it up, sadly. 

Would love to hear your thoughts...please no ridicule though. 

[Psyche_92]

I had the same going on with my old therapist, except she was a female. It's quite important to bring it up to him that you are having these feelings, because they can really hold back you're progress and therapy sessions overall. It might even be necessary to end therapy with him and find yourself another therapist if the feelings are too strong. Don't be ashamed to tell him this, because things like these happen a lot more than you might think in the first place.  Don't worry though, you will get over this, and in time you will laugh about yourself and make sense of the whole situation (hopefully).   

Edited January 24, 2018 by Psyche_92

[Spiral]

@Shir Tell him how you feel or ask him to get you someone else.

@Psyche_92  "Life becomes awesome when YOU are absent. " haha, don't say that to normal people it sounds insulting. 

[Barbarian Number 8]

@Shir  Consider that he is paid to give you his undivided atention and to interact with you in a beneficial way.

I am not saying that you paid for a "mental-hooker"....but....seeing a paralell might help?

No money, no honey.

 

Also, people in bad/lonely situations tend to cling/fixate onto anyone showing them kindness.

[Shir]

@Barbarian Number 8 That's the thing though...he isn't being paid  not saying it's my "fault", it's the system. But hey, I'm not complaining about my "mental-hooker" haha...funny one ! Just kidding, I wanted to clarify this. Not paying him. Everything is very much official and legit though. 

I agree with the 2nd part though yeah  

[Shir]

@Spiral I wish I could but I feel sooo embarrassed about it tbh. Like about to cry-my-eyes-out-in-front-of-him embarrassed, just talking about how I feel of him. But, I totally get that that's an option ! sadly I am in no position to change a therapist and tbh it's okay I've gotten used to him and I'd miss him haha

[Key Elements]

@Shir Do you watch Leo's videos on relationships? Tbh, I think this is the best one:

I know it takes work to understand this. I've been married for almost 20 yrs, so it does make sense to me -- what Leo is saying in this clip. In other words, no matter how you make of it, any relationship will turn out like this, more or less, if it's a "happy" / functional one. You got to be "married to yourself" first.

[Ocean]

Maybe pick up a copy of a book called "The Road Less Travelled". I hope it's the right book as i've read few in my memories.

He was a therapist and mentioned that this was a common occurrence. I can't remember what he says the reasons are but I think it's along the lines that it's hard not to fall in love with people who put so much time into hearing and generally being there for someone else in a non-judgemental way. This wasn't romantic love but rather a different kind, and people can mistake the two.
Please read it though for the exact insight.

Look in your library as it's kinda popular or flick through a copy in a shop and find the section.

Also, maybe when in a session say that you read it and ask if thats ever happened to him - he may guess what's going on from that and help you out indirectly so everyone can save face.

 

PS: regarding the line.... hard not to fall in love with people who put so much time into hearing and generally being there for someone else in a non-judgemental way. Put this into practice into any new relationship you seek, while not expecting in return and they may end up loving you too, whether you want that for romantic reasons will be up to you.

Edited January 25, 2018 by Ocean

[Ocean]

Found it on my shelf. Curiosity got the better of me.
Section 2: Love

Chapter: Love and Psychotherapy.

Page: 162, near the bottom of page. (my version)

He talks that love for therapist is natural and any good therapist would love them back, but as any normal parent would for their child. He mentions this is an important point to work through (love transference) and should be discussed.

Bring it up I say, don't be embarrassed, you're there to get support and he will not care and it will make any future romantic relationship all the more stronger and healthier if you do bring it up now, rather than dwell in something not fully understood.

Use the book line, or just say "I think I might love you, and i'm not sure if it's romantically or like you're my dad or something, haha"

[egoeimai]

@Shir hello girl I think that's normal and okay, the fact that you are virgin and such makes your feelings even stronger because you haven't released the sexual energy and its so normal when you are in need of help (so many of us are)  and a person helps u its so predictable that you d like him because he brings out of you nice feelings and a sense of protection he supports you and such so he covers two of your major needs, and if u think about it those are crucial because sex>reproduction, and mental support > survival. 

So its totally normal. So first golden rule don't  expect much because there's always a chance of disappointment. Two, go slow enjoy your time with him and don't make him feel uncomfortable, three if he likes you he will show it. ✅ just wait. 

[Michael569]

a good therapist is an:
1. exceptionally good listener
2. exceptionally empathetic. 

These 2 qualities may often come across as personal affection since most people's attention spam is literally 0. So whenever we come across someone who can keep a deep eye contact for 15 minutes straight, we get confused as it is not common. 

I would say he is being very professional and would potentially risk loosing his license by engaging in a relationship with his client. 

Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear but it could be the case. 

[Barbarian Number 8]

22 hours ago, Shir said:

@Barbarian Number 8 That's the thing though...he isn't being paid  not saying it's my "fault", it's the system. But hey, I'm not complaining about my "mental-hooker" haha...funny one ! Just kidding, I wanted to clarify this. Not paying him. Everything is very much official and legit though. 

I agree with the 2nd part though yeah  

@Shir ...-soooo?....are you saying somebody else, like the state, are paying him or that he works for free?

Hmmm? Free mental hooker? I want one too! A pretty one. _That_ one!

 

Kidding aside, what I am getting at is that hired guns operate one way and friends/family who are in ones life operate another way.

They may like you for different reasons and it would be benificial to see the difference.

We all live in symbiosis with one another, but when one party needs the other, it gets wierd.

 

Perhaps you should look outside your bubble to find somebody to love? Somebody who got nothing to do with your pain&problems and sees YOU first? I am hinting at here that you are not your problem, like you are not the bubblegum stuck under your shoe.

 

Also, have you noticed the world is full of people?

Ja.

Just like him?

Ja.

Better ones?

Ja.

Can You use your pain&problems to get contact with them, just like the doctor?

Should you?

Why?