My insecurities about relationships with girls

[billiesimon]

I have had two relationships until now. I'm in the late 20s. My exes were both good girls who cared for me, and were both co-dependent and affectionate. The first gf was very co-dep, as I was. With the 2nd I was less dependent and she too.

But still today I have THIS FEAR about girls, even though it's reduced, and more controlled.

......

I like to cuddle and exchange hugs and affection A LOT. My first gf liked it, my second liked it too, but once she said "it's a bit weird for a guy to be this physically affectionate, but I like it.

 

I have this obsession that girls don't like affectionate and cuddly guys. I have this fear of being dumped because of my hugs and affection, and my emotional talking, since I'm very good at empathising and girls notice it quickly.

I studied pickup and both exes are a result of knowing how to lead a woman and show sexual intent. But PUA also taught me that soft emotions are toxic to a girl in a relationship, cause you habe to be tough, leader and cold pimp with her.

I wanted to hear from the men in this forum what's the truth.

Do girls love these gestures or are they disgusting and weak?

 

[SFRL]

It's fine dude. If you like to cuddle then you cuddle. You don't need to do everything because she likes it, you can just do it because you like it. 

That one girl saying it's weird, that's a shit-test. 

I wouldn't go out of my way to talk about feelings though. 

The thing is women like it to talk about feelings with you, and cuddle, and you being nice to them, as long as they know that when they step out of line you will spank them and give them the Dick Of Justice. 

[billiesimon]

7 hours ago, SFRL said:

That one girl saying it's weird, that's a shit-test. 

I wouldn't go out of my way to talk about feelings though. 

Thanks, bro.

I know shit tests from the PUA community. What's the purpose of this specific one? Should I quit the hugs if she throws the test?

 

can you also explain the second quote?

[Spiral]

@billiesimon I am really cuddly and affectionate and I'm the most successful person with girls I know. I thinks it's more about how and why you are cuddly etc. Lonely? If so that's bad. It's fine to be open and honest, although being a nice guy can be problematic. You need to have your own stuff going on.

Don't start hugs, avoid giving random massages. If you sitting and talk with a girl and you feel like giving her a foot massage go for it. But don't just go and give a girl (you know) random pleasure.

P.S you would love Sweden, it's customary to hug as a greeting here, if at least one of the two is female.

Edited January 24, 2018 by Spiral

[YaNanNallari]

I just show others how I am (to a degree) and if they like me they like me, if they don't they don't. This way I won't waste time with girls that are not my type.

[SFRL]

1 hour ago, billiesimon said:

Thanks, bro.

I know shit tests from the PUA community. What's the purpose of this specific one? Should I quit the hugs if she throws the test?

 

can you also explain the second quote?

No you should keep going with the hugs. 

It may not even be a test she really thought out. It's just something women/people do. She is rattling your cage to see how you react. Not being reactive or reacting with humor is always good. 

I just would not go sit down with a cup of tea and have a 'therapy session' talking about feelings. That's probably not how it was but that is the picture that comes up in my head when I hear talking about feelings. 

[billiesimon]

1 hour ago, Spiral said:

@billiesimon I am really cuddly and affectionate and I'm the most successful person with girls I know. I thinks it's more about how and why you are cuddly etc. Lonely? If so that's bad. It's fine to be open and honest, although being a nice guy can be problematic. You need to have your own stuff going on.

Don't start hugs, avoid giving random massages. If you sitting and talk with a girl and you feel like giving her a foot massage go for it. But don't just go and give a girl (you know) random pleasure.

P.S you would love Sweden, it's customary to hug as a greeting here, if at least one of the two is female.

Very nice reply!

[billiesimon]

20 minutes ago, SFRL said:

No you should keep going with the hugs. 

It may not even be a test she really thought out. It's just something women/people do. She is rattling your cage to see how you react. Not being reactive or reacting with humor is always good. 

I just would not go sit down with a cup of tea and have a 'therapy session' talking about feelings. That's probably not how it was but that is the picture that comes up in my head when I hear talking about feelings. 

Yeah, being their psychologist is not good... I know that thanks to pickup.
I was talking about revealing my past and my hardships of the past to my gf. I did it with both of them and they seemed to like it. I don't think it's a problem to share hardships and insights about your past. But I never did it as a form of "let's relax on the bed and let's find out the therapy for your psyche". Just as a form of bonding in a relationship.

[SFRL]

26 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

Yeah, being their psychologist is not good... I know that thanks to pickup.
I was talking about revealing my past and my hardships of the past to my gf. I did it with both of them and they seemed to like it. I don't think it's a problem to share hardships and insights about your past. But I never did it as a form of "let's relax on the bed and let's find out the therapy for your psyche". Just as a form of bonding in a relationship.

It goes two ways. If you shouldn't be their psychologist then they shouldn't be your psychologist either. 

You shouldn't tell your whole life story right away, they can find that out over time. 

You main strive in the beginning should be to be the fun guy. 

It's also good to corrupt her soul by having her do sexual things she has never done before ? those memories will stay with her forever ?

[Shir]

@billiesimon Hey There ! I know you asked for men to answer you more so than a woman but I just wanted to interject and say that I personally would REALLY adore a man who can be as affectionate as you seem to be, physically (I'm sure in turn you are emotionally as well, of course). As someone who has never had a relationship (sadly), I just feel like us women usually know what we might want in a partner. I know I would adore, appreciate and love a partner who can be AS physically affectionate as you are, and so would like to encourage you to keep being yourself. Please don't change out of fear and worry, especially when it has to do with such a positive and loving space such as physical affection. Much luck ~ !

[billiesimon]

1 hour ago, Shir said:

@billiesimon Hey There ! I know you asked for men to answer you more so than a woman but I just wanted to interject and say that I personally would REALLY adore a man who can be as affectionate as you seem to be, physically (I'm sure in turn you are emotionally as well, of course). As someone who has never had a relationship (sadly), I just feel like us women usually know what we might want in a partner. I know I would adore, appreciate and love a partner who can be AS physically affectionate as you are, and so would like to encourage you to keep being yourself. Please don't change out of fear and worry, especially when it has to do with such a positive and loving space such as physical affection. Much luck ~ !

Well, I appreciate a lot your perspective

The reason why I tend to ask men is because women usually DON'T know what they like, as the classical "i want a nice guy but I chase all the assholes" demonstrates. The problem is that women DON'T like affection out of insecurities and possession. But they like it out of genuine and pure expression, as you said  This is why a lot of female advice is WRONG, because women don't understand that nice guys are often affectionate out of fear and possession, and not out of pure bright peace of mind.

A lot of men are afraid of showing affection because women turn them down if they are needy. So these men don't understand that in reality affection is GOOD but it HAS to come from a solid and strong place inside. I somehow already undestood this, since I show affection for the sake of affection, and for the sake of sharing my personality. But I had to ask this question because I had this little doubt still stalking me-

But in fact both my exes loved my affection and never complained a bit

[Barbarian Number 8]

@billiesimon  You might be acting clingy and desperate. Tone it down and see what happens.

[Spiral]

4 hours ago, billiesimon said:

Well, I appreciate a lot your perspective

The reason why I tend to ask men is because women usually DON'T know what they like, as the classical "i want a nice guy but I chase all the assholes" demonstrates. The problem is that women DON'T like affection out of insecurities and possession. But they like it out of genuine and pure expression, as you said  This is why a lot of female advice is WRONG, because women don't understand that nice guys are often affectionate out of fear and possession, and not out of pure bright peace of mind.

A lot of men are afraid of showing affection because women turn them down if they are needy. So these men don't understand that in reality affection is GOOD but it HAS to come from a solid and strong place inside. I somehow already undestood this, since I show affection for the sake of affection, and for the sake of sharing my personality. But I had to ask this question because I had this little doubt still stalking me-

But in fact both my exes loved my affection and never complained a bit

Well I won't say female advice is wrong it's just, communicated in a way guys don't really understand to a guys who won't understand it anyway.

Here is a common one: Girl: "I want a guy who can make me laugh"  So the guy thinks he should be funny and makes jokes, but that not it at all. I mean it doesn't hurt but that not what she really means. If I would ask her if she meant that she would say yes, because we are confusing to them. How men work is also incredibly complicated. It's a mess basely and people don't really know what attracts them, they just know what they like.

[billiesimon]

59 minutes ago, Spiral said:

Well I won't say female advice is wrong it's just, communicated in a way guys don't really understand to a guys who won't understand it anyway.

Here is a common one: Girl: "I want a guy who can make me laugh"  So the guy thinks he should be funny and makes jokes, but that not it at all. I mean it doesn't hurt but that not what she really means. If I would ask her if she meant that she would say yes, because we are confusing to them. How men work is also incredibly complicated. It's a mess basely and people don't really know what attracts them, they just know what they like.

I beg to differ, because in my pua experience, even though it was short, I heard a lot of female opinions, and they are often full of bullshit lol. 
Women are socially conditioned to find beta males as supporting partners, but deep inside they need a confident and charismatic partner. Society tells them that they desire these needy and codependent men, while in fact they find them boring.
The female advice you usually hear are just lies that women believe since they are very in tune with group thinking and group consensus (hence society).

[Ayilton]

If you feel your hug comes from a needy place inside of you, Do it  ! It's completely fine to be needy   , you can't repress your feelings  ,  just let it out  ! 

cause girls can pick easily this signs  , you will just be fooling yourself  ! If you feel like giving a hug  , just do that  ! It's authentic bro... It's totally okay  ! 

I wouldn't buy too much into  pua advice  ! In Real life it's much  more complicated  ! 

Love your sins to death 

[Spiral]

@billiesimon Well I'm going to agree that's more complicated then I made it out to be. I normally don't ask for advice from girls either, when it comes to attraction. But I've in the past gotten very useful tips, that been very successful, that's what I meant.

Well feedback to be more specific.I do for instance often cuddle in a cruel way, that was very surprising to hear.

 

Edited January 26, 2018 by Spiral

[ajasatya]

On 23/01/2018 at 11:22 PM, billiesimon said:

I like to cuddle and exchange hugs and affection A LOT.

do not let it die. it's a rare feature for men.