My 20 month meditation habit

[Dan94]

As I'm about to approach 2 years of daily meditation I want some of your advice. Frankly, I have had no goals what so ever with my practise but making it a habit. And that has happened. However I currently, and especially within the last few months, I have felt more stressed and very, very easily agitated. Even fears I was crippled by in my teenage years have started to appear (fear of darkness, claustrophobia especially.) Having said that, I feel less and less attracted to compulsive behaviour - even though I habitually still do them, but they just seem to lose more of their power and seem less pleasurable. It's quite comparable to the way I felt when I was struggling at my first (and only so far) vipassana retreat. Right now meditation feels so difficult, and every time I close my eyes and set the timer I am so humbled by how much work's still to be done.

 

I have done the life purpose course a few months back, and as of now my personal development "regimen" consists of 30min -1h vipassana meditation, 15 min contemplation, 15 min visualizing, 5 min LP contemplation and 5 min affirmations. I am in the process of building a previous poor work ethic that got me good grades in high school anyways. 

 

I was planning on doing my first solo retreat this summer after having watched Leo's trip videos but it seems more and more unlikely given my current state.

 

Have you had any similar experiences/stories?

Thank you

Edited January 22, 2018 by Dan94

[Nahm]

@Dan94 good job on the discipline of practices. Sounds like things might be getting a little stagnant? Maybe it’s time for a trip? 

[Dan94]

2 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Dan94 good job on the discipline of practices. Sounds like things might be getting a little stagnant? Maybe it’s time for a trip? 

Cheers

Yes, I have plans to do at least two retreats this year. If I'm a fucking badass I may do three. But it's still new to me and I know how arrogant I feel and how humbling an experience a 10 day retreat will make me, especially if I did it right now. People I have still contact with from last summer have told me about their experiences with later retreats, no fun and games like the first one . Let's see, but I will do two for sure.

[Kserkkj]

Take Note Of Your R-Energies === (THOUGHTS) ... They Can Turn The Wheel Of Experience (The Term Is Not Very Accurate But This Suffices) Intro-Negativity CREATES Powerful ANTI-Universes That Rupture The ORDINANCE OF THE REALMS...

RIN. RIN. RIN.