What can I do if making friends from hobbies, school, failed for me?

[Hardkill]

I believe I've taken massive action in trying to make new hangout friends, from multiple meet ups, and from my hobbies: martial arts, weight training, and running. Though they all failed for me. Either I must be a big-time social loser or I am missing something that is so obvious. I take an online course for my new Master's program so I can't meet new people in a class. I've been to social workers, psychologists, and psychiatrists countless times and I still couldn't get the advice I needed to help to me solve. I've read how to Win Friends and Influence People and the info. from that turned out to be mostly useless for me. It's not just making friends for the sake of improving my social and fun life, I will never make it far in the real world if I can't get effective social skills under my belt. Is there no helping me in this? Am I suppose to just be a victim to this fate of being a social loser forever?

Edited January 20, 2018 by Hardkill

[Zephyr]

How to Win Friends is rather shallow. Try reading Models by Mark Manson

[Hardkill]

5 hours ago, Zephyr said:

How to Win Friends is rather shallow. Try reading Models by Mark Manson

I thought that was primarily a dating book.

I don’t think that there are any books out there that can help me.

[Krishna Siva]

Most probably, you are not finding depth inside a person. Something like, you think they are not so interesting or deep or complex, so you don’t like to be around them. 

I experienced this too, and one solution is to chit-chat, which then will lead to more serious stuff and so on.

 

Edit: Just skimmed through your profile. Maybe you can adopt an growth mindset.

Edited January 21, 2018 by Krishna Siva

[MisterMan]

23 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I believe I've taken massive action in trying to make new hangout friends, from multiple meet ups, and from my hobbies: martial arts, weight training, and running. Though they all failed for me. Either I must be a big-time social loser or I am missing something that is so obvious. I take an online course for my new Master's program so I can't meet new people in a class. I've been to social workers, psychologists, and psychiatrists countless times and I still couldn't get the advice I needed to help to me solve. I've read how to Win Friends and Influence People and the info. from that turned out to be mostly useless for me. It's not just making friends for the sake of improving my social and fun life, I will never make it far in the real world if I can't get effective social skills under my belt. Is there no helping me in this? Am I suppose to just be a victim to this fate of being a social loser forever?

Yeah i feel for you, can sympathise.

I guess, realising that ultimately you depend on outer world circumstances (making friends) to give you something that you already have. Let's say for example you made a friend or two in a day. It is your very dependence on their friendship that then allows you to feel good about yourself, Feel worthy. What does that tell you than you need others to make you feel worthy? (not to judge yourself for it but to ask a potential hard question, to perhaps see the fallacy in this thinking)

The truth is,

Even though you not believe that. You give yourself permission because you have created a set of circumstances that you need to tick off until you feel more complete. And when you do, great! But because you are dependent on others for a sense of self worth. You are exactly that, always dependent on something that's out of your control.

The truth is the one constant in this is you, not the friends ie the circumstance,as they will always change. Self compassion should be a pillar in which you should build the rest of your thinking on.

Self compassion is more important than depending on others for compassion, as the compassion in you can go both ways. Dependence on others does very little for you. Depend on yourself, empower yourself. As ultimately you feel everything. You also bring every circumstance into existence by thinking it, since you are the creator in this sense it would seem silly to depend on these made up circumstances to bring you self worth.

But don't take my word for it.  As you are more likely to find your own answers that will help you a lot more than to depend on mine.

Edited January 21, 2018 by MisterMan

[Truth]

On 1/20/2018 at 4:26 AM, Hardkill said:

 I will never make it far in the real world if I can't get effective social skills under my belt. 

Not true, there are people making a good living online in the comfort of their own home. 

I think this has clouded your authentic desire for connection with others.

I know there's this tendacy to make the future the priority and doing 2+ things at once, but if what you need right now is connection with others then that's a more important thing to be laser focused on. 

This self actualization process is a lifelong journey, and it's about strategically plugging up these holes in the Hierarchy of Needs one at a time and then once you feel like you got that handled move on up. 

You need focus and priority or everything you do will be half assed I guarantee it.

[Hardkill]

On 1/21/2018 at 8:11 AM, Truth said:

Not true, there are people making a good living online in the comfort of their own home. 

I think this has clouded your authentic desire for connection with others.

I know there's this tendacy to make the future the priority and doing 2+ things at once, but if what you need right now is connection with others then that's a more important thing to be laser focused on. 

This self actualization process is a lifelong journey, and it's about strategically plugging up these holes in the Hierarchy of Needs one at a time and then once you feel like you got that handled move on up. 

You need focus and priority or everything you do will be half assed I guarantee it.

Really? How can make good money work from working online? What would be a realistic way of doing this?

[vizual]

People are attracted to people who feel good in their own skin. People can 'smell' that a mile away. It isn't even about what they say or do, but what they radiate. If you feel at ease and joyful, it will make other people at ease and joyful. 

But if you 'try' too much to make friends, people will smell that as inauthentic. They will feel like you are subtly suffocating them with your neediness, no matter how noble you think your intentions are. The more you try, the more your grip on other people's necks tighten. And so, people will not enjoy your company enough to keep hanging out.

[CuteCornDog]

There are a lot of things to consider.

 

Not knowing the right people, not talking about the right subjects, etc.

[Hardkill]

So how the hell are some people able to do it easily ever since their mid to high school years? Don't tell me that's it because they are more socially gifted. There must be a secret that's holding me back. What exactly have the popular people or even a lot of normal people been doing to succeed at this? 

[Joseph Maynor]

On 1/20/2018 at 3:26 AM, Hardkill said:

Either I must be a big-time social loser or I am missing something that is so obvious

My guess is that you have some self-image issues that you need to identify and work out.

 

Edited January 29, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[deci belle]

hi Hardkill~ there's no secret. Maybe you don't understand that there is nothing to understand.

Attempt to still yourself by just accepting whatever you think is the problem (if you actually have an idea) of what is "holding you back".

You are trying to rationalize something that is wrong when it is NOT wrong. That's why you can't figure it out. There's no problem. The problem is that you want a problem to "fix"~ so you can be socially active. You feel left out, well~ no one else has a choice in the matter. Let's just say it's karma.

Some people are circumstantially popular for no reason at all.

Some people are circumstantially alone for no reason at all.

You are not missing out— you have nothing to lose by accepting yourself completely as you are.

The need to be socially gifted (by circumstantial relationships) is grounded in a fallacy you have constructed because you are under the impression that there must be a rational explanation for your current (or lifelong) predicament.

As soon as you can dispense with your past self-judgements and learn to accept your current situation as it is (not how you prefer to rationalize it), you may begin to realize the quality of all the seemingly vapid social arrangements surrounding you.

Not that you should do a boomerang and develop a cynical perspective by rationalizing your imagined superiority!!

They mean nothing, ultimately. Life is not passing you by. You can learn sso muuuch from objective observation of the situations around you. But you cannot see objectively as long as you are saddling yourself with the manufactured need to "be a part of it all" as opposed to being apart of it all.

Until you accept your current situation bereft of social attachments, you cannot appreciate the freedom you don't know how to enjoy (much less utilize creatively) because you believe the rampant social conditioning, advertising, and cultural traditions geared to MAKE you fit in.

Maybe there is something you need to realize first, before you can "fit in".

Take me for example~ I have no formal social attachments and by any conventional notion of it, sex isn't necessary (not that I am a professional dominatrix~ hahahhaa). People are part of my life and I get plenty of attention. It comes and goes and I don't pander nor do I form attachments. I'm not saying that my lifestyle would ever work for you, though.

May I suggest you still your need to fix your "inability" to fit in, and first accept your current condition on the spot so you can learn to accept yourself credibly and exactly as you find yourself, as is. Learning to see "what is" without judgements and then accepting your current situation (and yourself) as intrinsically complete, perfect and good is the first step.

I'll bet you have no idea how many people have been going along with and are now bound in all kinds of stupid social arrangements without ever having considered the ramifications beforehand— and would give ANYTHING to be free, just to know what it's like.

You know what it's like, but you are bemoaning your situation yet you have no idea how to benefit by it!!

I don't blame you, by the way— but you are responsible for your current situation, and by that I mean you have yet to consider the opportunities you have at your fingertips simply because you have no social obligations to speak of (if what you say is true) to explore your situation and SEE WHAT'S IN FRONT OF YOU!!

Forget about your ideas of what needs to be fixed and really stop, and then begin to see the quality of the social interactions surrounding you. How can you know what is really going on when you are not sensitive to your own innate goodness as an individual?

You already have your part in this picture as an individual. Most people cannot do that. I challenge you to give fully of yourself without even moving a muscle. Start by giving yourself an inner smile— then do it again.

Some people call it gratitude— no need to get drastic though-- just allow yourself the room to breath and accept your condition, then prove it by developing the capacity to intend loving acceptance of yourself for no reason at all. That's all it takes to catch up with the world and leave it in your dust~ heehee-- just kidding!!

The important thing is to be able to accept yourself as you are so if and when it is time for you to have social responsibilities, you will be able to maintain a healthy sense of detachment in the midst of it all —the thing you seem to be suffocating in at the moment. That's what I mean by leaving the world (in) your dust. Share your dust, and be aloof with your attention.

CuteCornDog said:

Quote

Not knowing the right people, not talking about the right subjects, etc.

When you are genuinely curious about yourself, you can easily extend this naturally joyous curiosity and have wonderfully spacious conversations with anybody.

 

 

ed note: add part about "professional dominatrix"; typo 16th paragraph; add last paragraphs

Edited January 29, 2018 by deci belle