Confused emotions/should I leave?

[Charlotte]

Basically for the past week or so (I think) I'm having strong emotions about my long term partner/relationship. 

 

I'm so confused I don't even know where to begin to be honest. I'm reaching out to you guys because you have more of a deeper understanding on what I might be feeling, not this surface level bullshit. 

 

I don't know how I'm feeling so I'm struggling to communicate it but I'll try and bullet point my actions around my emotions...

• When we cuddle or kiss, I don't want to, I have what feels like a strong energy inside my chest that makes me cringe a bit. 
• I'm walking around with this emotion inside of me lately, definitely directed towards my intimate relationship. It feels negative. It feels like a blockage of some sort. 
• My partner has expressed he is worried with my behaviour, he said he can feel my distance from him. 
• I've gone off sexual intimacy altogether and the thought of it makes my skin crawl right now.
• I psychically feel like I don't want him inside my bubble. 
• Before you ask, I'm not psychically attracted to any other male, I don't desire another human being. 
• I feel emotionally cut off from him in a sense. 
• Do I love him? Yes (weird enough as it sounds). 

The only tragic event that happened to me most recent was a panic attack, from that night this is where it began (I think). After the panic attack, for maybe 4 days I felt numb. Like a shell of a person, with no emotion whatsoever. From that, I went on a high for about 5 days, I felt on top of the world. Now this... What the fuck is up with me?????? Help please ?

[Spiral]

Maybe you should take a break say a week (preferably without seeing him)

[Charlotte]

@Spiral I thought of this, eggd him on to go stay at his friends. He has nowhere to go (no family) and no friends local, he has a job locally so has to stay in the area. I can't leave my home either due to responsibilities ?.  Thank you for your suggestion though. 

[aurum]

@Charlotte

My guy reaction is to say you're no longer attracted to this guy.

Would you say you've maybe lost some respect for him as well?

 

[Nahm]

@Charlotte Man. This blows. I might be ‘over reading’ or ‘reading things into this one’, but it sounds like you’re in that limbo middle between - you love him, but not feeling the actual presence of being in love with him. From my life, from how I feel right now, and not from a place of knowledge or books I’ve read, etc.....just straight from the most primal place in me... I am in love with my wife. I have been for decades. I’ve had moments where I’m like - I need to to get the fuck outta here for a couple days, and I’ve experienced that “stay outta my bubble right now” too. But, the underlying connection is always there. Has been every second. Always.  Don’t hear this as sappy, try to hear it as practical: my head has been frustrated with her, but My heart has never been confused about her.  Sometimes I think she could do a little more, sometimes I realize I could be doing a little more, but there is always this baseline “bigger than both of us” connection.  I can’t really explain this, but if I’m being honest, it’s destiny. She is the only meaning I have for the word ‘destiny’. 

Previously, I was in a relationship for 4 years with another. She was perfectly nice, very pretty, we had some things in common, we lived together for a couple years. At any point in those 4 years, if someone would have asked me - “are you in love with her?”- “Do you know she is the one?”, I knew the answer was no. I knew it, but life can be complicated & distracting, and I was making everything in my life work. I was doing a great job of “making everything work”, and everything was working. That was the problem. We made everything work, so that became a cover story, but, I knew. At any given moment I readily knew we did not have that “destiny” depth. What I didn’t know, is that I would have that in the future when I met my wife. Now I know. So, it’s easy to reference. Back then though, all I had was uncertainty. So, my two cents is, it is true - when it’s love, you know. So if there is a question, well, that sucks, but, true love is a real true thing in my experience. Just like on the path, the phrase “the truth shall set your free” is real af - also the phrase “when it’s true love, you just know” is real af.

When it’s true love, it’s you and him against the world. The love will be so strong that no one could convince you otherwise. It would not matter what anyone says. So if what I’ve said feels influential, or causes inner turmoil, if you feel like “I want that!’...well, you stand to find true love. If it doesn’t, then you’ve already got it. 

[Charlotte]

2 hours ago, aurum said:

@Charlotte

My guy reaction is to say you're no longer attracted to this guy.

Would you say you've maybe lost some respect for him as well?

 

@aurum  Yeah I think your right. Definitely lost some amount of respect ? for whatever reason I don't know. 

@Nahm  "you love him, but not feeling the actual presence of being in love with him" ⬅️this with bells on! I said this exact line to my mum.

I'm so happy for you with regards to this ➡️ "I am in love with my wife. I have been for decades. I’ve had moments where I’m like - I need to to get the fuck outta here for a couple days, and I’ve experienced that “stay outta my bubble right now” too. But, the underlying connection is always there. Has been every second. Always.  Don’t hear this as sappy, try to hear it as practical: my head has been frustrated with her, but My heart has never been confused about her.  Sometimes I think she could do a little more, sometimes I realize I could be doing a little more, but there is always this baseline “bigger than both of us” connection.  I can’t really explain this, but if I’m being honest, it’s destiny. She is the only meaning I have for the word ‘destiny’." This is just beautiful! I also know exactly what your referring to.

 

As a matter of fact @Nahm everything you said with regards to the "cover story" I totally get. I feel like that now. Deep down I think he isn't the one for me, why cannot I not just say it? Why do I have to say "think" I KNOW IT I just can't fucking say it! I feel like a fraud, I've feel like I've let my family and him down. He has nobody. Oh god I feel like crying. This feeling I am feeling is screaming at me and I think I know what it is. I think. I'd be devastated if he left though, that's why I'm unsure what this feeling is, it's a conflicting feeling. @Nahm thank you for taking the time to write that for me. It's opened my eyes. ???

[poimandres]

3 hours ago, Charlotte said:

@aurum  Yeah I think your right. Definitely lost some amount of respect ? for whatever reason I don't know. 

@Nahm  "you love him, but not feeling the actual presence of being in love with him" ⬅️this with bells on! I said this exact line to my mum.

I'm so happy for you with regards to this ➡️ "I am in love with my wife. I have been for decades. I’ve had moments where I’m like - I need to to get the fuck outta here for a couple days, and I’ve experienced that “stay outta my bubble right now” too. But, the underlying connection is always there. Has been every second. Always.  Don’t hear this as sappy, try to hear it as practical: my head has been frustrated with her, but My heart has never been confused about her.  Sometimes I think she could do a little more, sometimes I realize I could be doing a little more, but there is always this baseline “bigger than both of us” connection.  I can’t really explain this, but if I’m being honest, it’s destiny. She is the only meaning I have for the word ‘destiny’." This is just beautiful! I also know exactly what your referring to.

 

As a matter of fact @Nahm everything you said with regards to the "cover story" I totally get. I feel like that now. Deep down I think he isn't the one for me, why cannot I not just say it? Why do I have to say "think" I KNOW IT I just can't fucking say it! I feel like a fraud, I've feel like I've let my family and him down. He has nobody. Oh god I feel like crying. This feeling I am feeling is screaming at me and I think I know what it is. I think. I'd be devastated if he left though, that's why I'm unsure what this feeling is, it's a conflicting feeling. @Nahm thank you for taking the time to write that for me. It's opened my eyes. ???

Simply put: You don't want to hurt his feelings by breaking up with him. No one wants to hurt anyone in a situation like this. You aren't feeling it and now you have a very difficult choice to make.

[Nahm]

@Charlotte You are so sweet.   Here’s the deep deep fact, very hard to accept...it doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t. If I was in your shoes, I’d write on the inside of my hand with a pen - “aligned” and “doubt”. I’d be filtering my thoughts that way. Align with yourself, with your desires. Life is way too short to stay with someone once you know in your gut that the path of aligning to what you want is other than with him. Thinking about if he’ll be ok, that’s certainly considerate and compassionate, I get it, but for you - is that a thought that aligns you with what you came to this universe to experience, or is it a thought that really is just you doubting yourself - doubting what you are? If it is - This new Charlotte just “ain’t got time for that”. She’s got her life to live. I have a hunch it’s going to be fucking awesome. He’ll be fine. 

[phoenix666]

just from reading I got that feeling.. it's between the lines. you know what I mean. and you already know. the answer is in the feeling.. I know it's hard to get there, but once it's done, it's done. and you will be free, on the path towards your true self <3

I wish you all the best!

[phoenix666]

@Mighty Mouse is it an illusion? maybe the romanticized kind of love that we've been introduced to from culture. but true, unconditional love an illusion? or the only thing there is

[Charlotte]

On 20/01/2018 at 5:13 PM, poimandres said:

Simply put: You don't want to hurt his feelings by breaking up with him. No one wants to hurt anyone in a situation like this. You aren't feeling it and now you have a very difficult choice to make.

On 20/01/2018 at 11:54 AM, aurum said:

@Charlotte

@aurum (please ignore these tags I cent delete) 

 

@poimandres Yes, your right but I still get that what I call 'pits' feeling in my stomach when I think of him leaving. 

 

 

On 20/01/2018 at 6:04 PM, Nahm said:

@Charlotte You are so sweet.   Here’s the deep deep fact, very hard to accept...it doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t. If I was in your shoes, I’d write on the inside of my hand with a pen - “aligned” and “doubt”. I’d be filtering my thoughts that way. Align with yourself, with your desires. Life is way too short to stay with someone once you know in your gut that the path of aligning to what you want is other than with him. Thinking about if he’ll be ok, that’s certainly considerate and compassionate, I get it, but for you - is that a thought that aligns you with what you came to this universe to experience, or is it a thought that really is just you doubting yourself - doubting what you are? If it is - This new Charlotte just “ain’t got time for that”. She’s got her life to live. I have a hunch it’s going to be fucking awesome. He’ll be fine. 

@Nahm Once again, thank you for your awesome advice. The thing is, it's much more complicated than it sounds and appears. He has no one, no family, no friends (local). If we was to split he would be homeless. How can I do that to someone? For the record, he's started to notice, it's making me feel even more guilt. I'll be honest, I don't have the guts to do it. I don't, I'm a coward. At the same time I feel I'm putting on an act! I'm so internally confused, it's awful! I have a pen and paper in front of me and I'm about to do some self counseling. How can I wake up one morning and just feel like this? It feels as if someone's just flicked a switch! To be fair, over the Christmas period we was arguing everyday, it was not very nice. 

 

19 hours ago, Mighty Mouse said:

Maybe you're starting to see love for the illusion it is.

Elaborate please @Mighty Mouse

[Nahm]

@Charlotte What’s the current living situation? Does he have a job? Could he find a place to rent? Is he your responsibility, or are you your responsibility? 

[Nahm]

@Okaythen Thanks. Very kind of you. ❤️

[snowleopard]

@Charlotte  From experience, the prolonging and the enabling of the suffering will only continue until such time that it becomes so unbearable that one is forced to come to terms with it. No-one else can determine when that point is reached. Ultimately, getting at the root of all suffering, will eventually resolve the other attachments and self-deceptions that stem from that root. Until such time, it's  just some suffering self-identity leading and/or following another suffering self-identity into its inevitable demise.

Edited January 22, 2018 by snowleopard

[Charlotte]

Sorry not replied sooner, been away from forum/phone to try and sort my head out and introspect. 

On 22/01/2018 at 10:04 AM, Mighty Mouse said:

What is love?

An illusion? A 'feeling' a bunch of chemicals happening inside the brain? An emotion?

 

On 22/01/2018 at 0:48 PM, Nahm said:

@Charlotte What’s the current living situation? Does he have a job? Could he find a place to rent? Is he your responsibility, or are you your responsibility? 

He lives with me in my rented accommodation. He does have a job. Probably could yes. The reason I feel he is my responsibility (to a degree) is because what he has been through in his life. Awful shit and I don't want to add to it. Yes, in a way, I feel responsible for him. 

 

On 22/01/2018 at 2:08 PM, Okaythen said:

@Nahm is as discerning as ever with his choice of words. I feel like that really pointed to the root of this conflicting feeling, and like what he previously mentioned about aligning ourselves, it also serve as way to center and re-calibrate/reset our mindset on what is it that we truly have to prioritize. Personally, the way I see it, you can't be taking care of others if it means neglecting yourself. That way, everyone will lose out. If you really do care about him, the first step is center/align with yourself first, enough for you to actually show your love to the world, even if in the end, you can't share that love with him, as sad as that sounds. You can't be loving him and neglecting your own emotional turmoil at the same time. I know you are not neglecting, and are simply toughing it out, which is kinda worse, but I guess you are already able to see that by doing that, you are also hurting him even if your intentions was not to hurt him even more by abandoning him. It's not about the lesser of the two evils, but I guess, the greater of the two potentials to love. What I mean by that is that you should perceive your choice as the ability to unlock your potential to love, rather than labeling yourself as doing something cruel. Maybe you do have to do one cruel thing first, before you are able to begin loving, which is better than not being able to love at all. In a way, locking up your ability to love is the cruelest thing you can do, crueler than doing something actually cruel. But yeah, that's just my personal opinion, sorry if I sound too insensitive. Just take it slow for a while and really listen to your mind and body. Just like @Nahm said, align yourself. I genuinely agree with him that you're a wonderful person who deserve an amazing life.

I completely agree with what your saying. I also understand what you mean. Thank you for that. Not insensitive but true. 

 

With regards to aligning myself, I also agree to. I told him the other day how I was feeling (in a soft approach to spare his feelings) and some of the painful emotion I was feeling evaporated. I had a sense of 'calibrating' myself, to be honest to him and myself I felt free. The truth set me free... BUT we are still together and to be honest depression is kicking in because I haven't finished the job. I am weak, a coward I know I AM TO BLAME FOR my suffering. Thank you again all. @Nahm thank you❤️@Okaythen thank you ❤️

[Nahm]

Whoa!! Chill. Being young is not a crime. Ownership of one’s suffering is very wise. That coward and self blame stuff - that’s got to go. Our best is always good enough. There’s great peace in that. Some people settle in to a shit situation for 80 years. You’re askin questions, getting clarity, movin the dial to the life you want. These are not the actions of a coward. You’re strong af! No more beating up on yourself starting right now. No time for that. The truth will always set you free, and the truth of who you are is dumbfounding in it’s love, patience, and beauty. Win the inner game. Apply that love and use self honesty - when a thought feels bad, know that it’s because the deeper, wiser part of you knows better. Appreciate that you know better, keep opening the connection to that unconditional love. Listen to that deeper part of you. That’s where courage comes from, and it will always, always, be right there, in you. Always. 

It’s ok to love him and hold the most positive vision for him you can muster up - while going in another direction in your life, and also show him you want the best for him in his life. It’s weird, amazing, magic, and deep - but life is always presenting what we need. This is true for him too. He’ll be ok, and you’ll be ok. I’ve heard that couples have broken up before, and everything was fine! Lol. Lighten up, it’s ok to feel the love! No more doubting yourself Charlotte! One moment at a time. 

Love is not illusionary. Love is the fabric of All. 

Make moves in the direction your heart is telling you. Make a move today - swap in a more cheery avatar pic in your profile. Then look at it. See that you ‘made a move’. Don’t care what anyone thinks, care what you think.  It’ll feel good. That’s life. One moment at a time, one little bit better thought at a time, one little move towards self love at a time. 

[pluto]

This is very pure and powerful

[Charlotte]

On 24/01/2018 at 10:35 AM, Nahm said:

Whoa!! Chill. Being young is not a crime. Ownership of one’s suffering is very wise. That coward and self blame stuff - that’s got to go. Our best is always good enough. There’s great peace in that. Some people settle in to a shit situation for 80 years. You’re askin questions, getting clarity, movin the dial to the life you want. These are not the actions of a coward. You’re strong af! No more beating up on yourself starting right now. No time for that. The truth will always set you free, and the truth of who you are is dumbfounding in it’s love, patience, and beauty. Win the inner game. Apply that love and use self honesty - when a thought feels bad, know that it’s because the deeper, wiser part of you knows better. Appreciate that you know better, keep opening the connection to that unconditional love. Listen to that deeper part of you. That’s where courage comes from, and it will always, always, be right there, in you. Always. 

It’s ok to love him and hold the most positive vision for him you can muster up - while going in another direction in your life, and also show him you want the best for him in his life. It’s weird, amazing, magic, and deep - but life is always presenting what we need. This is true for him too. He’ll be ok, and you’ll be ok. I’ve heard that couples have broken up before, and everything was fine! Lol. Lighten up, it’s ok to feel the love! No more doubting yourself Charlotte! One moment at a time. 

Love is not illusionary. Love is the fabric of All. 

Make moves in the direction your heart is telling you. Make a move today - swap in a more cheery avatar pic in your profile. Then look at it. See that you ‘made a move’. Don’t care what anyone thinks, care what you think.  It’ll feel good. That’s life. One moment at a time, one little bit better thought at a time, one little move towards self love at a time. 

@Nahm Apologies for the late reply Nahm, I come down very ill with tonsillitis again, only just starting to feel like myself again. 

 

Wow, I'm actually shocked at how thoughtful and loving and wise your reply is. Thank you SO much. I can tell just from your replies your going places, very wise indeed. 

 

Quick update..  well I got very ill so all my emotions and whatnot flew out the window, still not 100% better but I'll get through it. With regards to the relationship I'm just taking one day at a time and concentrating on myself at the moment. Hope your well @Nahm and thank you again ❤️❤️

 

(Will change my avatar picture now, even though I hate smiling ??)

[Nahm]

@Charlotte Thanks! Sorry to hear! ?