How to warn about the monster that lurks?

[Epiphany_Inspired]

An ex has been seeing an old friend of mine (a friend for decades). You may assume jealousy, but I really want nothing to do with him. The real problem is that this friend was living elsewhere for a while and doesn't know about the violence that I experienced from this man. I know from personal experience that things with him seem great at first, and then the manipulation, coercive control, and violence start imperceptibly at first, until one is lost in it.  I saw that this behaviour happened to the woman before me, and I continue to experience it. There was also intense obsessional stalking with me too, and he has addiction issues. (even dating my friend is likely a part of this, an attempt to make me look negative in family court, or cause drama, or dream I'm jealousy, etc)

It's in my best interest to have this old friend in this relationship from a selfish perspective. She has similar values to me, and I believe would do better parenting with my child than my ex may have the skills or values to attain. She is far more reasonable and kind as well.

That said, I feel an intense moral *need* to warn. I can do it through a third party (so that, hopefully,I'm not slanderous for family court), and I have actual evidence of the violence. My ex has not changed, I deal with his toxic behaviour every week....and he has been toxic with the woman before me...and this abusive behaviour is pervasive throughout his whole family (father to mother, brother to his partner, etc)... thoughts? would she believe this info from a third party that's heard proof, or would she likely be deluded by hormones/ infatuation? ....I should try, right? ideas?

[poimandres]

 

19 hours ago, Epiphany_Inspired said:

I saw that this behaviour happened to the woman before me, and I continue to experience it. There was also intense obsessional stalking with me too, and he has addiction issues. (even dating my friend is likely a part of this, an attempt to make me look negative in family court, or cause drama, or dream I'm jealousy, etc)

It's in my best interest to have this old friend in this relationship from a selfish perspective. She has similar values to me, and I believe would do better parenting with my child than my ex may have the skills or values to attain. She is far more reasonable and kind as well.

That said, I feel an intense moral *need* to warn. I can do it through a third party (so that, hopefully,I'm not slanderous for family court), and I have actual evidence of the violence. My ex has not changed, I deal with his toxic behaviour every week....and he has been toxic with the woman before me...and this abusive behaviour is pervasive throughout his whole family (father to mother, brother to his partner, etc)... thoughts? would she believe this info from a third party that's heard proof, or would she likely be deluded by hormones/ infatuation? ....I should try, right? ideas?

When you say you are still dealing with it, do you have a child together or something? Are you guys still in contact? Because if you don't have a child together, why stay in contact?

From my experience, you can try to warn someone but you cannot control them (by warning them, you are attempting to control). They have to make the decision for themselves.

[Guest Annetta]

I have a violent ex as well.  Warning won't do shit, the new woman will just assume you're jealous or insane.  The man in question probably has some story about you already laid out to make you look bad.  They're good at covering their tracks like this.

My ex beat the previous woman he was with with a hammer and has been to jail three times, has a restraining order.

I would just spend as little time around him as possible and let her figure it out.  There's a monster buried in the heart and soul of every man, some just get good at burying it.  He will most likely have learned how to be more subtle about the abuse.

[ajasatya]

2 hours ago, Annetta said:

Warning won't do shit, the new woman will just assume you're jealous or insane.  The man in question probably has some story about you already laid out to make you look bad.

that's accurate. but lemme fix something for you.

2 hours ago, Annetta said:

There's a monster buried in the heart and soul of every person, some just get good at burying it.

 

[Guest Annetta]

@ajasatya Men cause most of the damage in the world.  If there is a monster in the heart of a woman, that is unnatural and goes against nature - and was put there by men.  They are born with a monstrous nature and they spend most of their lives learning to control it.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Guest Annetta @poimandres @ajasatya

Thanks guys...yes, we share a child!!! So, I'm trapped...... even with "no contact order" he still manages to get away with some disturbing shit almost weekly, and the police can't help because my order is not enforceable by them!

Now, I'm not sure if you guys missed that part, but I have actual proof ! (recordings of seriously fucked up shit) Would my friend still think I'm jealous or insane even with proof? The court accepted the proof and gave me the no contact order; wouldn't my friend accept it too? Would she be deluded by hormones or something? The recordings are obviously him; she would know it's him, and she'd hear some super scary and fucked up shit! Would she really be so deluded to think I doctored them or something?

If she would, then, I don't want to risk it. I have court again (he never relents) and I don't want any efforts with warning her to negatively effect my parenting rights, ability to move, etc. That said, if proof could sway her, is it worth a try? She is an amazing woman!

Edited January 25, 2018 by Epiphany_Inspired
grammar

[poimandres]

 

2 hours ago, Epiphany_Inspired said:

@Guest Annetta @poimandres @ajasatya

Thanks guys...yes, we share a child!!! So, I'm trapped...... even with "no contact order" he still manages to get away with some disturbing shit almost weekly, and the police can't help because my order is not enforceable by them!

Now, I'm not sure if you guys missed that part, but I have actual proof ! (recordings of seriously fucked up shit) Would my friend still think I'm jealous or insane even with proof? The court accepted the proof and gave me the no contact order; wouldn't my friend accept it too? Would she be deluded by hormones or something? The recordings are obviously him; she would know it's him, and she'd hear some super scary and fucked up shit! Would she really be so deluded to think I doctored them or something?

If she would, then, I don't want to risk it. I have court again (he never relents) and I don't want any efforts with warning her to negatively effect my parenting rights, ability to move, etc. That said, if proof could sway her, is it worth a try? She is an amazing woman!

From my experience, people get blinded by love even with proof. Again, it's up to you if you want to try, but it might back fire on you. She may end up thinking you are jealous (which, I'm sure he will play that card), and she may end up resenting you until their relationship ends and she'll then be asking "what was I thinking/why didn't you warn me/ etc". Tough situation.

[Elisabeth]

@Epiphany_Inspired I suggest being as direct and factual as possible. 

I don't know if it's better to send a written message or request a conversation, just pick what suits you. 

Keep it along the lines of "For my own moral integrity, I need to tell you something serious. I've been in a relationship with this man for X years. There has been psychological and physical (?) violence (consider sharing the most serious stuff without details) and addiction issues throughout our relationship (consider specifying how long you've been subject to violent behaviour). Currently, I've got a no-contact order for him. I can show you recordings that the court accepted as evidence if you are interested. I don't recommend having a relationship with this man. Please talk to me should you have any further questions."

Then give her time to digest the message and decide on her reaction. That way you've warned her without drama and your conscience is clean. If she listens or not is on her. I'm sure for some people this alone will be enough to run, other will request more information or brush it off and not listen. 

I wouldn't give her the evidence if she isn't asking for it. Might be more details than she wants to know, might be also too overwhelming. 

I'd consider mentioning resources or basic tips on how to leave a relationship with a potential abuser safely, if you know any. I think ghosting is preferred in these cases, but I'm no expert. But maybe not in the first message.  

Also don't forget to think about your own safety. This conversation should preferably stay secret from your ex, otherwise you're risking that he'll take out his anger on you despite the no-contact order. This is serious shit, so if you're unsure, talk to a specialist, I'm none. 

Edited January 25, 2018 by Elisabeth

[BobbyLowell]

Warn her. she might take your advice. it might prevent her from something horroble.

[Spiral]

Well you don't really have anything to lose here right? She might hate you but at least you tried. 

On the other hand he might have learnt his lesson, I doubt he wants to have someone to abuse. Might happen anyways, because he is messed up. 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@poimandres @Elisabeth @BobbyLowell @Spiral Thanks so much!!! I am very grateful for all of your words!