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7thLetter

Depression & video games ruined my social skills?

5 posts in this topic

So I always was a quiet loner kid throughout elementary and highschool, and that has always been something that I've wanted to change about myself. I thought it was because of social anxiety, so I discovered psychology, and personal development. After looking more and more into this stuff, I found out that it was just an introverted personality of mine. But still, I wanted to become more social so that I could get the confidence to be able to talk to girls. I then got into customer service jobs dealing with customers, MLM, and I also did pickup for about a year. When I was doing pickup, it felt like my overall confidence was at an all time high, but there were sacrifices that I had to make when it came to pickup. Sure I had the confidence but it felt like I was dying on the inside psychologically because of the narcissistic behavior that I had little to no control of. I then cut back on the pickup, and started working at a huge restaurant which was a very social environment. At first, I was very very social working there, made a ton of friends during the first few months. My level of happiness was pretty high I would say, and I was able to socialize with the girls that I was interested in with no problem whatsoever. Later on down the road, after a year of working there, it started to feel like I was getting depressed. I stopped talking to the friends that I made there, especially the girls that I was into. And my life just felt like a huge mess. I was being scheduled 6-7 times a week, working 8+ hours a day, and the girl that I really liked had a boyfriend. Constantly every single day people would give me a bad reaction because of the way that I was acting. I was being all quiet and grumpy, and they seemed to take that personally. The more it happened with all these people, it kind of felt like it just adds onto the depression. Another thing I want to add was that I had a habit of taking cold showers. I thought it was helping with my self-improvement, but for me personally I'll say that it constantly put me into a bad mood. Because I hated taking cold showers. It was kind of like I knew it was a good habit to put into place, but I would always tell myself that I hate it. Anyways, I quit the job, then I fought this depression for 3 months. It felt like I was going through some life-crisis. All I would do is stay at home for the entire day and play video games. I had no motivation at all for self-improvement no matter how hard I tried. I still went to the gym daily but I didn't try as hard as I usually do. So now that I'm out of the depression phase, I got another restaurant job with the same company but the restaurant is a lot slower and a lot smaller. I made a good first impression during the interview, but working there, people know my personality sucks. I have a desire to be social and make friends but I'm not as social as I should be. I feel more shy and often hesitant about striking up a conversation with most people. People want to talk to me, but I really feel like I lost my social skills. The social skills I have now are pretty basic compared to what I used to have when I was doing pickup. I get a couple people reacting in a bad way towards me because of the way I act. If I were to make an assumption, I would say they think I'm stuck up. At this point, I'd say that I'm probably not going to be able to keep this job after 3 weeks now. Probably going to have a chat with my managers to see where I'm at and talk about my struggles so far. This makes me not want to work a job because you always have to deal with people and their emotions, and insecurities, and assumptions. And also its often this game of trying to impress the higher-ups.

ANYWAYS, I apologize for the life story but would you agree that the video games and staying indoors everyday ruined my personality? Is there any advice that anyone can give me? I could go back to pickup to get back my social skills but that's just not something that I want to get back into.


"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death." - Albert Einstein

 

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Sounds like a lot of worrying about "what other people think of me". 

My social skills are not that great either, but you know, some people react well to how I generally behave, some people react badly. Sometimes people give me clues that I've stepped over the line (even friends who generally like me), so I correct my behaviour (unless I have good reasons to continue). But I try not to indulge in replaying that situation over and over in my head to beat myself up with what I've done wrong. Maybe there was no wrong at all, just a clash of wants and expectations. I'm also content knowing that I fit into certain social groups much better than others. 

If you don't like the people you work with, you could quit and look for a better team, but if it's just a general feeling that "perhaps they don't like me", it's imho worth getting over it. Be you, do your job well, be generally well-meaning with your colleagues, and given time they'll accept you with any quirks you have, including shyness or depression.

Edited by Elisabeth

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There has to be a full proof method to making new friends. Someone is not doing a job at teaching us how. Yet, people like us wouldn’t have to keep comIng back to forums like this one or keep going to stupid social workers and shrinks and suffer through torturous self-criticism which of course diminishes our social confidence. I mean I wouldn’t mind analyzing myself if it lead to me figuring out exactly what I am doing wrong for certainty and lead to noticeable progress (unless I was close to our genetic potential, thereby having almost reached my limit of improvement). However, what’s the point of self analyzing so much on what you’re doing wrong if you can never figure out what the solution is and can never find a really good social coach (which seems extremely difficult to find and afford)? For several years of my life I’ve constantly tried to figure how the fuck to improve my ability to make new friends to hang out with and once in a blue moon have I ever been to find one that I think is really cool. Dating coaches say gay it’s a great idea to make friends with attractive girls to increase your social circle and have them hook you up with attractive single women hey are friends with. However, I’ve tried that many times and it never worked. I mean WTF?!

I feel like guys like me have been lied to about having a hopeful social future.

Edited by Hardkill

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@Hardkill I think it depends on a lot of things. There's no perfect pickup line that works 100% of the time to get you all the hot girls, or say this or that to make friends. There's a lot to take into consideration, like your personality, your interests, your values, etc. And if the other person shares the same things in common, or finds it attractive. People like different things, people are attracted to different things. Whatever a pickup coach or dating coach tells you, is just a generalization of what girls like. But they can't tell you exactly that Suzie Johnson over here likes dominant guys with a mole on their face and the way they walk, and what she likes in the way a guy dresses. I met this one guy while doing pickup, and he thinks that pickup doesn't work just because one time he met a random girl while travelling and she didn't like him. That really bothered me because he tried ONCE, she doesn't like him for several possible reasons, and now he says that pickup doesn't work. So really there soooo much to take into consideration. People like different things, people are attracted to different skin colors, people like different smells, people like different hair styles, you get the point. You can't impress everybody. You will attract those who align with your values, your interests, the vibe you put off, your personality, the way you dress, the way you talk, etc. etc. etc.

If you want the raw truth, the truth is to go out and practice. Practice makes perfect. You can’t read a book on how to ride a bike and expect to ride the bike perfectly for the first time trying. Go out to social meetings, socialize at your workplace, try cold approach. From my personal experience cold approach was the best for me to meet people and increase my confidence and social skills. I’ve approached over 500 girls within a span of a year. Got around 40+ numbers. Couple dates. I didn’t read a book on how to do it, I just did it. Start small, say hi to random people, hi-five people, embarrass yourself in public, then work your way up.

Edited by 7thLetter

"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death." - Albert Einstein

 

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You have to plan a strategy to recover your social muscle lost in the periods of isolation and un-action. Start progressive. I assume you overcame your gaming-loner-comfort zone spiral. Practise conversation with close friends, develop confidence, read, record yourself talking to the mirror...

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