Absolutely Unable To Make Small Talk - Deprived In Life

[uwotm8]

Not really able to strike a casual conversation with anyone, not with friends, not with close family, the thing is its not at all a problem at interviews, or official talks or meetings, or on on-line forums, it only informal casual talks that I cant  do, its not badly affecting me professionally, or in personal life, but every time I'm with a person or in a small group i cant make small talk, its almost like I'm trying to speak Chinese to them, and cant keep up a good conversation, I'll be like a dumb ass with a blank expression on my face with an empty head and nothing to talk about, i have noticed i do sometimes ask stupid questions and bring up really stupid topics and respond with stupid answers, but I'm not really stupid, infact people actually say i have a good professional ability and know a lot of random interesting facts, it actually surprises people that a person of my profile is so incapable of having a normal conversation. this has been the single most crippling behaviour that has deprived me of having fun with friends, having good life experiences, good relationships with women, a sex life, peace of mind I'm not even present in life, I'm so caught up in trying to interact with people that its very stressful. its almost like I'm  mute and get by each day with very little talking (but all relationships are intact and healthy) no idea what to do, what or how its happening  and where to go next, help is badly needed i'm in an awkward and stressful situation right now

by the way i'm 26 and this has been happening ever since i was a child, been trying ever since

[Guest]

A lot of "I'm" in this story. You are caught up in your own limiting bullshit story. None of this is you. That's only what you tell yourself. Your self-image is totally fucked up. Work on that first.

"I am this, this is why I can't have fun" is your bs story and your excuse

Edited February 28, 2016 by The Alchemist

[uwotm8]

@The Alchemist haha yea auto correct told me the same thing a lot of squiggly lines under "im"

anyhue, if this was a 'story' as you call it, an imagined self image or preconception, its not. the way I experience it, small talk is a 'skill' that i don't have, I don't 'think' I lack it, I actually don't have that ability

its like saying a person is not as good as Michael Jordan because psychologically he's made up a story to be not tall enough

[Toby]

You could have Asperger or some schizoid personality disorder.

[uwotm8]

@Toby That does't really explain why I'm OK while having a professional conversation and conversations related to important things but not with casual conversations, i checked the symptoms for those and I don't fall under those categories, its not actually the speech part its actually knowing what to say to other people

Edited February 28, 2016 by uwotm8

[xXxXx]

What toby said, it could be a characteristic of an autism spectrum disorder. Especially the fact that you have no problem with talking about professional stuff openly versus the inability to have casual small talk. But it could also be a fear of rejection, due to past stimuli, the professional talk being your save haven. Eliminate your neediness first, if you are constantly under pressure because you think you are unable to have small talk, you will go nowhere.

[uwotm8]

@Locooig could you point me to any resource that could help me to learn about eliminating neediness, maybe one of leo's videos or other self-help stuff

[xXxXx]

Leo has a few videos on this, unfortunately i do not exactly remember which titles. Ask in the self actualization subforum, someone will have the answer. Message was "nothing can make you happy outside yourself", you don't depend on anyone. Also i highly recommend reading about stoicism, this will ground you. 

[FindingPeace]

There was a similar topic to this elsewhere in the forum..can't remember where though. Anyway, I'm not a huge fan of small talk. I find a lot of it very meaningless and pretentious. I don't particularly have anything to contribute in social situations and am happier observing and listening than participating. That's not to say that I can't participate on occasion, I just have little interest in doing so. I've just become aware of how little value there is in the bs tooing and froing of mindless banter.

The thing is, why do you need it? What value do you think you will gain? Do you tell yourself that you need to do this thing in order for people to like you or accept you? Do you have any personal interest in being able to do it? Or is it just some 'skill' that you think you should have and be able to practice because it is the norm and expected of you?

I went through this same thing a few years ago. I felt self-conscious that I wasn't 'good' at small talk. So I dropped the bs story that "I am no good therefore I can't do it" and changed it to "I am confident in holding a conversation". Then I started 'role-playing' someone who could have conversations that looked and sounded like other people's. Sounds easy, but it was really. Once I stopped believing that I couldn't do it. Only problem was that I realised I was just being pretentious. Just role-playing, going through the motions. Sure, it felt good for a while before I realised that I wasn't being authentic. It didn't feel right. And it only felt good because I was receiving 'validation' from others who engaged with me.

I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't participate in small talk and conversations. But do it for the right reasons. Be true to yourself. Don't do it for the sake of others, or for their validation or approval.

On 28/02/2016 at 2:48 PM, Toby said:

You could have Asperger or some schizoid personality disorder.

Let's not start slapping labels on to people. Whether or not there may be any truth to it. Last thing someone needs is to be writing in to their self-image "I have a mental disorder therefore I can't do x,y or z and can't have fun..".

It may not be anything like that at all. You just might not be interested or motivated to engage with people. Like I said, are you wanting to engage with people because you want to or because you think you should?

[DayTraderEdward]

I find it hard to carry on relationships with ordinary people. This is not to say that I am lonely or unsatisfied; I find it easy to determine that virtually everyone is attempting to satisfy deficiency-needs, while I am motivated by risk and growth. Also, need for "small talk" implies one is searching for something other than "small talk." People will find me self-righteous or amoral, while they forget that I am not motivated by acceptance or relatedness, but self improvement. This state may appear as sort of a chasm for most. All I can say is, I find deficiency-needs quite boring. This, of course, will appear as though I am "self absorbed," while in reality, my "self absorption" is really just a motivation to grow. 

[vizual]

Don't let people convince you you have Autism or Asperger or something, most likely you don't. That's just a cop out.

A lot of intelligent people have your problem, they have an easy time talking about things they are comfortable with. Whether it be there profession, news, their interests etc. But when they have to ad-lib a conversation they become weirded out because they are unsure where to go with it. There aren't any anchors in their mind they can normally go to, so they draw a blank.

I think your problem is that you are too critical about the things you say, and this can become a downward spiral fast. You are a bit unsure > you say something "stupid" > you become even more unsure. You have to learn to let your thoughts go in random conversations, you have to know there aren't any right or wrong answers in casual conversations. Casual conversations are about expression and connection, it's not about being wrong/right or smart/less smart, it's about fun. 

Start meditating, stop judging yourself for what comes out of your mouth, start having fun with it. Even if people think you don't sound smart or something, fuck that. In the bigger picture, people care most that you authentically express yourself, they don't care about the cold, factual content of your words.

[FindingPeace]

16 minutes ago, vizual said:

You have to learn to let your thoughts go in random conversations, you have to know there aren't any right or wrong answers in casual conversations.

Something I noticed in conversations is just how often other people say really silly or nonsensical things. So there's no point worrying about it, everyone does it. Even awkward silences aren't really a problem . Happens to everyone.

Conversation is only awkward if you think it is. Otherwise, it is just conversation. Whatever form it takes.

[uwotm8]

@vizual hey thanks!  I think your reply was very spot on, it gives a lighter perspective than mine,  I should just stop being so self concious about every single conversation that I have, I should start being more expressive about things that mean something to me, I will straight away stop trying too hard to strike a conversation with people. when ever I feel like I want to express something I will do it, this will do the job, I'm sure.

and the other part you mentioned, meditation, as in calming the mind down and not getting worked up in the head is very important and needed. if i achieve these two points my quality of life should get a lot better, I will make arrangement in my daily agenda to be genuine and at peace, to have a new perspective about my lifestyle.

I was contemplating on the drive back home after work, and I noticed that I don't express my feelings correctly, either I get mixed feeling or I don't communicate them properly to other people I  don't know which one. this whole theatrics about small talks and what not could be a symptom of something else, and by sorting out this casual talking problem I would be addressing the 'effect' and not the 'cause'

well, need more looking inward, as I discover life each day ✌

Edited March 1, 2016 by uwotm8

[uwotm8]

@FindingPeace  I wanted to engage with people because I thought I should, I would feel weird and would make the entire room feel awkward, i had thought that its because I kept quiet and that made the situation awkward, but now i believe it could be because I had a lot of negative thoughts and that proved to be a downer to everybody. 

i should probably take a chill pill and calm the fuck down brah!

[FindingPeace]

On 01/03/2016 at 8:02 PM, uwotm8 said:

I had a lot of negative thoughts and that proved to be a downer to everybody.

Good realisation to have. Negative thoughts are a downer. We can all do it unaware of the effect it has.

[Saarah]

I have a similar issue, once I tried just listening in on people to see what kind of things they talk about and it's usually about what they did yesterday or what they're going to do, maybe gossiping about someone, something they've watched or what's on at the cinema , about work related stuff, when the conversation is a longer one it usually digs into one specific aspect, let's say you talked about the weather, then you'd talk about which weather you like, the places associated with that weather, leads to talking about holidays and vacations, then maybe to food, then culture, relating it to yourself and your own life, your preferences - it just sounds so pointless... yawn! 

When you listen and practice lots with others you can certainly get better at small talk as with any other skill 

the issue arises when you ask yourself if you enjoy it or not and if you'd rather be somewhere else because then you will not be motivated to get better at it

I certainly am not and don't go out seeking small talk but there are some situations where I'm forced to such as in a lecture sitting next to a friend and that helps me gain the experience and practice to at least be a little functional in that domain 

[Mal]

@vizual

Viz,

You are right on so many issues. Thanks for being here

Mal