Need Advice While Going Through Psych Med Withdrawal

[kieranperez]

Going through a really rough patch right now in my withdrawal phase. Really starting to feel delayed effects from reducing my Adderall dosage since I’m tapering off, having successfully gotten off Prozac, Lamictil, and Lithium. I’m in constant emotional turmoil it seems like these last few days. I’m getting so emotional out of nowhere where I reach heavy tears from random frustration. I have no passion now with my Life Purpose and am shaming and guilting myself to still do it. I even reached a conscious realization how I actually don’t want to be happy. I’m in such a deep state of neurosis that I don’t know what to do. 

If any of you have been through this i could really use your advice on techniques that could help. I feel so dead and upset that it’s like I subconsciously don’t want to feel good, as twisted as that sounds.

[MisterMan]

Hey, first of all congratulations on making the decision to stop. Albeit it appearing it being a decision based on a necessity. Rock bottom is a great place to start because you can tap into a lot of determination! Whilst feeling shit, it's a great and potentially liberating place to be as you've finally said, ENOUGH! I'm going to sort my shit you. I couldn't be happier for you.

  I too am tapering of a drug. A government prescribed drug used to help quit harder opiates. Suboxone, In the last month i went from taking 12mg per day to taking 2. And about 2 weeks now but just 2 days ago i felt withdrawls, that i thought had subsided a long time ago where i believed my body had become used to it. I am still so confused as to why thats happened. But i digress. (i've only recently in the last year understood how to use that word in the right context), so lets get on with the digressing and digress shall we?

Before I continue, this is a complete projection on my part onto what i understand about myself and addiction and trying to apply it to you may be helpful in most, some or no areas.

I understand completely where you're coming from, I've had a few acid trips , mushy trips where it became clear as day that i fucking hated myself. I was shocked! Oh my god, i hate myself, a lot! What? I assume with these conciousness expanding drugs you become aware of the deepest of deep underwater ocean currents dictating the flow of thought and emotions that run your life. Not of the white water rapids up top, but bottom of the ocean currents. It's great that you finally know that! Love yourself, love love love your hate to death. You know why? I'll tell you why. Because the self hate that you experience exists a part of you that is holding onto that self hate because it thinks thats the only way you can improve, it's trying to help. How can you not be compassionate to that?  This part of you is trying to help you! But like you said, the most twisted way possible

It's a good thing you're looking within.

I mean there are so many layers and things you can learn about your self afflicted condition :). Is it an attachment to an idea that isn't going the way you'd liked? Therefor attaching to something and that idea being under threat or danger causes suffering. Who knows which one, but whatever it is. It's still a misguided attempt at trying to help you the best way it thinks it can. it's up to you to take you by the hand, listen to him and be compassionate, because if it is that it's just a reaction to a deeper feeling. Hate/anger is usually something that covering another deeper emotion that you want even less to acknowledge and you do it by anger.

The best advice is take a passion on wanting to understand yourself, with a reason why (and it can change, you're allowed to!) . Also with meditation it tells you to let go, not hold onto any form. So theres a lot of conflicting stuff like this, if you're holding onto an idea to help propell you forward but the letting go stuff and watching your thoughts is stuff you can practice to understand yourself more. So it is applicable.

You're in a huge storm, there is no doubt about it. What helped me take the necessary steps to start tapering down was stuff like meditation. Daily, to now twice a day 15 minutes minimum. Whilst hard at the start, personally the story i was telling myself was if i don't meditate i will relapse. Meditation helps undo attachments the mind may have, and it really helps ease the urge to relapse.

There is a need to openly commit to it, what helps me is that i need a new program to run on. The old one was not working, I was always searching for the next hit. I'm not lying i would eat apples and think "this should start kicking in in 15 minutes" even if i was healthy i just wanted self gratification. Instant gratification. Committing yourself to a different lifestyle isn't easy and this isn't my first time trying. 16 years of drug and alcohol abuse, you better believe you need meditation so you can start to understand who you really are and how your mind operates.

There were days i have been crying, since i taper i notice looking forward to each dose daily can become a trap to re committing your mind to the pursuit of drugs and instant gratification. I guess, and i don't really have any nor know how to get it. But i acknowledge that i could use a little faith in believing that it does get better, because the main platform of my arguments to use was

"i know drugs work for me NOW, with quitting i'm not so sure it will ever change".

or "what does it matter, life doesnt matter, why do long run shit when i can be happy now isn't that the point of life"

Sound great, romantic, but these thoughts were the pillars holding up the addiction program i was running. Ultimately without meditation we are just succeptible to any bodily sensation swaying our minds without our awarenes and without understanding of the true nature of thought and yourself. You are not your thoughts and that you can let go! It's not easy, or it can be it depends on you.

Reading about your addiction and the pursuit of understanding yourself and how you relate with reality is something i've completely thrown myself into.

At the start, you have all these self defeating thoughts like the one's you mentioned, i am like this because i feel dead inside. It may be true how you're feeling, but try not to let your self judgement propel you back into using. It is very important to be easy on yourself. Treat yourself as a pal, self compassion will become your new pillar to a new life. Admit where you are, you want to get better, meditate. Because this whilst difficult at the beginning can help you ground yourself, detach yourself from all the thoughts that dictate to you how dead you're feeling inside. Notice them and learn to stop identifying with them. Set a daily routine, that shy's away from your old one.

Routines are powerful tools, one thing i learnt from an addiction book was addicts become just ass addicted to the "ceremony", the ritual of taking the drugs instead of just the drugs. Whatever ritual you do when using you're mind connects the ritual to taking drugs.

Also when you're in two minds about taking drugs, and you finally decide to do it. It is common for the addict to misrepresent the ease of mind he has just experienced. As there is a dual of two minds within, you are battling with yourself, "do i take it" do i not  take it". Once you make a decision it's easy to believe the peace of mind is attributed to the drug. When in fact it's just the process of ceasing to be in two minds about things. In other words you are no longer dualing or battling with yourself, you accept what you're doing (taking drugs) and a peace of mind follows to fill the vacuum.
People think it's the drug and it re inforces their belief that what they've done the right choice.  

Addicts are full on people, you better believe you can throw yourself into anything you choose with the same intensity.
Set yourself 30 minutes of reading per day. Books about bhuddism, self help, addiction etc. Educate yourself about yourself and your condition and know that you're doing it for compassion to yourself. Things can be really full on now and these powerful thoughts can and have derailed you in the past.

You are going to have good days and bad days. The understanding and realisation that everything is fleeting. Your emotions albeit conceptually do no change, the state in which they arise and pass are not permanent, like all things they go away and others will arise in it's place. And you are not your thoughts. Going back to this understanding when i'm experiencing troubling emotions is very helpful to me.

Empower yourself with empowering literature, right now you're doing the opposite, which is fine you need to go through it. Cold showers, good for you. Important to not get attached to feeling good especially. Because that will pass too, and what then? Start accepting the states that your addiction has been repressing. You're in the eye of the storm, and only you can get yourself out. Quoted this allan watts one already here but it fits the circumstance. 

"you don't know what you don't know, and won't know until you know it",

Hilarious but very telling. You walk the path of knowledge alone. Experience-alone. There is a responsibility which exists that is tied into the core of your very being.  You can't depend on anyone's information if you are not going to to do the work.

Sorry about being all over the place. Hope this helped. Had nothing better to do so i boldenned a few things i thought were extra useful.

You are starting a new life, and you need a new program! You need to consiously commit to doing new things that help you develop. Your routines can change, morph as does life, try not to judge yourself if you do not meet your expectations as that is another trap, remember? Self compassion! You're trying to implement new foundations (self love) on which you can form opinions and thought from. From my understanding until now it's been your foundation has been self hate and reacting to a reaction to a reaction of self hate. Self hate is your foundation. But i'm mostly talking about me (in everything i've mentioned). So It's super important to start trying to understand yourself, only then can YOU know exactly what you need. I can just point you to experience by symbols that represent the things that they are not (Thanks Leo- He said that in one of his video's) ,

Would love to hear how you continue to progress as time goes by.

Edited January 18, 2018 by MisterMan